GF doesn't want sex after pregnancy scare

LegacyUser

Tonight myself and my girlfriend were watching a movie when in the middle of a sex scene she casually mentioned to me that she hadn't had her period in six weeks. My immediate reaction was 'Are you serious?', to which she replied "Yes but I'm irregular so it's not that bad". Cue a big argument and then us walking around the city looking for a late night pharmacist so that we could get a pregnancy test. All this while she started getting more and more freaked out. Before I continue I should give you the background information:

We've been seeing each other for just over 3 months. When we first hooked up she told me when she was drunk that she didn't like sex as she'd been abused by a relative as a child. A week later I brought this up when she was sober and initially she denied it before she relented and told me the bare minimum of detail whilst promising me never to bring it up again.

We started having sex regularly but I always felt that it was a case of she doing it just to keep me happy rather then out of any sense of enjoyment. In fact I know that she didn't get any enjoyment out of it but she did say that she liked the sensation of feeling close to me. The fact that I knew that she didn't enjoy it was a turn off for me so that the number of times we had it reduced.

We'd also talked about the future and she had said that she didn't want children whereas I had said that I would like to do so. She conceded that she may change her mind in the future (she's only 22) and we kind of left it at that.

Fast forward to tonight. When we were walking around looking for a pharmacy she was saying things like "I can't be pregnant, my life will be destroyed" and "I hate children". I don't want to have a child right now either but I found these comments a bit over the top.

Anyway we found a pharmacy, took the test and she wasn't pregnant. Immediately afterwards she told me that she couldn't go through that again and she would no longer be having sex with me.

I should mention that she refused to go on the pill as she thinks it messes up people's hormones so we had just been using condoms.

Apart from this side of the relationship things have been going great. She is spectacularly attractive, intelligent, we have a lot in common and we get on really well together.

People will probably say that I should try to get her to go to counselling for what happened in her past but I can categorically say that this is a non runner as she will reject the idea without a doubt. I feel like at this stage though I need to cut my losses and make a clean break of it but I'm not 100% sure that I'd be making the right move. A small part of me thinks that I can talk her into becoming sexually active again and helping her to actually enjoy it.

Faith

nomoresex wrote: »

A small part of me thinks that I can talk her into becoming sexually active again and helping her to actually enjoy it.

That's too big for you to handle on your own. Without professional counselling, your girlfriend will never get past her issues, and certainly not any time soon. Unfortunately, I would say to get out of the relationship now. Abuse aside, your sex drives are completely different, and she doesn't want kids when you do. Fast forward 10 years if you stay with her - chances are, you still won't be having much sex at all and you'll probably wants kids a lot more than you do now, while she probably won't want them still. I'm making a lot of suppositions, but you've only been together for 3 months. It shouldn't be so hard early on. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I think you need to be selfish in this case.

Count Duckula

I can only echo what Faith has already said. Sex and sexuality are HUGE parts of a relationship, as big if not bigger in importance than any other aspect of what makes two people compatible. If the two of you are so out of synch now in regards to your attitudes towards sex, it will only get worse, and when you factor in the child issue (that she might change her mind), I honestly can't see a future in it for you. You might have a lovely ten years together, but sooner or later these issues will raise their heads and you'll probably end up splitting up.

There's no point putting yourselves through that misery further down the line when it can be avoided now. I'm sure both of you are lovely people and will find romantic happiness further down the line - just not with each other.

IrishEyes19

counselling would definately help, OP, but I understand its her decision and you cant force her unless she wants to.

Also her comments might have seemed over the top about her life being destroyed, but pregnancy scares are really frightening and since her period is late and she isnt pregnant, her hormones are probably all over the place anyway since its due to come.

trio

A small part of me thinks that I can talk her into becoming sexually active again and helping her to actually enjoy it.

God, you'd be taking on A LOT. As much as a therapist. And considering she doesn't wanna talk about it at all.....how's that gonna work? I'm not being funny, but how?? By just being nice? And suggesting sex when you think she's sufficiently chilled out? Cos that's about as much as you can really do, if she's not gonna discuss it.

And she really has a big right not to discuss it by the way. It may be healthier for her to open up to somebody, but it doesn't have to be now, or with you. Not if she's not ready to revisit it, which she's plainly not.

Basically all that might happen is yeah, you talk her into becoming sexually active again. But helping her enjoy it? She was possibly raped as a child! It's not suprising she doesn't like it. For all you know she's having flashbacks whilst you're doing it.

So you wind up feeing the whole "enduring it to please you" vibes again, and as you rightly said, it's not gonna make you want to do it either.

I'm sure she's amazing, and you're a nice guy but.....I think this mountain is too big to climb, dude.

LegacyUser

talk her into becoming sexually active? really?

not fair on her and not your job.

teaspach

Hi OP - You have already said that she has ruled out counseling, but unfortunately that's the only way this issue is going to be sorted out. She may consider it when she is older, and realises that her problems are adversely affecting her ability to sustain relationships. There is very little you can do on that front. Try and support her as much as you can, and encourage her to get help.

It's a tough one though, even if she agrees to counseling you are talking 2 or 3 years of a very difficult time for both of you. Be gentle with her. It takes enormous courage to go into counseling. It's the first step to dealing with your problems. Some people never even get that far. Unfortunately, if she can't do it, or is not ready to do it, then I don't think you have any option other than end it. That said, no relationship is perfect, and people are carrying all sorts of baggage all the time. Tell her you are crazy about her, but can't stay with her unless she at least considers getting help. That's pretty much all you can do. It's something she has to go through.

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Thanks for all of the replies. There has been an update in that my girlfriend has still not had her period. She took another test which was again negative but she said that some small line on the side wasn't showing which apparently should have been so she doesn't think it's valid. She says she was feeling like crap all day today and is worried that it is some form of pregnancy sickness. She's now terrified and I'm pretty worried myself. Has anyone any experience of something like this. Surely after 6 weeks or so a false negative has to be out of the question? I've advised her to go to a doctor for confirmation. I can't think what else to do.

mud

nomoresex wrote: »

Hi again,

Thanks for all of the replies. There has been an update in that my girlfriend has still not had her period. She took another test which was again negative but she said that some small line on the side wasn't showing which apparently should have been so she doesn't think it's valid. She says she was feeling like crap all day today and is worried that it is some form of pregnancy sickness. She's now terrified and I'm pretty worried myself. Has anyone any experience of something like this. Surely after 6 weeks or so a false negative has to be out of the question? I've advised her to go to a doctor for confirmation. I can't think what else to do.

Hey OP

Yep, the doc is your next stop. If she has been freaking out over missing her period then that could be what is making her late. Women's cycles are affected by outside influences such as stress. The only way to be sure is to have a doc give her a check-up.

Hope it goes well for you.

Toots

Some brands of pregnancy tests are less sensitive than others. The line she's referring to is probably the 'control' line. It's the line that comes up first to show that you've taken the test properly (ie: you haven't peed too much or too little on it). When I found out I'm pregnant, I got a negative with Clear Blue, but the same day I got a positive on a First Response. If she takes the test first thing in the morning the result can be more accurate.

The lateness of her period might not necessarily mean she's pregnant. Stress can affect your period, so if she's stressing about this that could be contributing to it. If she's irregular, and she is pregnant, it might be early to get a positive because if you're irregular you can ovulate later in your cycle. My cycle is irregular and occasionally I did go 6 weeks between periods, but everyone is different and you never know. Really the best thing for her to to is go to her doctor, just in case there's anything else that's affecting her period. Just out of curiosity, I don't mean to be nosy, but are either of you using contraception?

Neyite

Buy a First Response, they are the most sensitive on the market. You can get a pack with two, and if you use one you can test again in a few days to reassure yourself.

Doing the where's-my-period worry can stress you further which in turn delays periods. In addition, pre-period symptoms are pretty impossible to differentiate from pregnancy symptoms - your boobs are sore and slightly bigger, you can go 'off' food, you can get bloating etc etc. for both outcomes. Trust me, I know - Ive been trying for a baby for 20 months now - thats a lot of pre-period symptom watching. And I have learned a lot about peeing on sticks!

A doctor's tests generally are not any more sensitive that chemist ones.

You get two lines on the pregnancy test - one is the control line, if a second appears, then you are pregnant. Now, there is such a thing as an evaporation line that can occur - the line that should be the pregnancy line can sometimes show faintly as the test dries out. But if it has not appeard on the window within the time stated on the instructions then its not a pregnancy line Thats why the instructions say to disregard the test after a certain amount of time.

So if the control line does not show, its a faulty test. Take another with first urine in the morning.
if a second line appears within the stated time on the instructions its pregnancy confirmed, however faint the line is. It is testing for a hormone only produced during pregancy. if there is no line, either its too early to test, or she is not pregnant.
bin the pregnancy test after the result- otherwise that evaporation line will wreck your head!!

Hope this helps.

R.D. aka MR.D

Yeh worrying can definitely delay the process.

It is not up to you to fix her past problems especially if she refuses to get help.

Do you really want to stay in a sexless relationship? Maybe suggest that the two of you break up and remain friends or else as you suggested make a clean break.

If you are breaking up with her then do it gently. Don't blame her but explain honestly what the problem is. It is not that she has been abused its that she won't seek help.

Taltos

OP - I am not going to tackle her past abuse nor your thoughts that you can talk her into having sex.

Instead
She - hates children
You - want kids
This divide in itself is a clear signal that this relationship is more than likely not right for either of you. My OH is the same as your girlfriend - even to the language, luckily I am the same.

Hopefully she is not pregnant - and if not I think that you need to sit down and talk about kids seriously - feeling as she does saying that she might want kids - well I consider that a lie - and one she might also be telling herself as well as you... Some of us just don't want kids and that for me and my OH has never changed.

LegacyUser

Well I bought a double pack of the First Response's (she used Clear Blue the first time). She took one on Tuesday night and another first thing on Wednesday morning and both were negative. However she still hasn't had her period and she reckons that it's been 7 weeks now.

At this stage I can't possibly think that she is pregnant but her not getting her period is a major head wreck. She's not overweight or anorexic and she's young so I don't know. We're going to try and get a doctor's appointment over the weekend to sort tis out once and for all.

Bottle_of_Smoke

She's not into sex, could be issues or could be she has a really low sex drive. Eitherway I'd run. Look at all the threads about this issue on this forum, don't think I've ever seen one end with good results.