Could you be with a bad kisser forever?

HannahBecker

Hi,

In the grand scheme of things it may seem trivial, but I love a good kisser. I am a good kisser, I know I am, and to be honest, all of the men I have kissed over the past ten years have also been good kissers. In fact I think it's rare to meet bad kissers these days once you have passed your teenage years. Therefore, although it is very important to me that someone can kiss well, I hadn't even thought about it until I met my boyfriend. Now it's all I can think about. It pains me to say this, but he is the worst kisser I have ever been with. At first I thought it wouldn't matter that much, or that it would change if I kept kissing him the way I do, but it hasn't changed and it is so off-putting. I just cannot believe my bad luck. So much of me wants to think that it shouldn#t matter, but it does. I'm at the point now where I don't even want to sleep with him as I find the kissing so awful that I get a bit repulsed rather than turned on. I feel so bad about this but it has started to make me try to avoid sex with him. I love kissing so much and I could do it for hours but even the feel of his mouth and tongue when he comes near me turn me off. It really is that bad. Once I tried to bring it up, nicely and subtlely and it resulted in him getting really upset and not kissing me or being intimate at all for weeks as he felt bad. So I had to assure him that it was fine and now it's back to normal, which is me avoiding kissing and sex and only really going for it if I have had a drink and can put up with it. I feel so bad. I do love my boyfriend but I have a feeling that he may propose soon and the question I keep asking myself is "can I put up with this forever? Can I really accept that I will never have a wonderful, amazing, spine-tingling kiss ever again? Anyone else been through this?

beks101

I really find it hard to understand how your relationship has come as far as it has (to the point where he may propose??) if the physical side of things is so bad? How have you not done something constructive about this yet? And subtly mentioning it and then avoiding the topic for weeks does not count as constructive.

Have you ever tried teaching him? It takes two people to kiss after all, and if you're not remotely enjoying it and yet not doing anything about it, how is he supposed to know it's repulsing you? Is he too fast, all tongue, too much saliva, teeth getting in the way? Generally if I end up kissing someone and don't enjoy the experience, I won't end up in a relationship with them. But if I did I'd try to address it in a sexy way...why don't you tell him to take your lead the next time you're kissing, start slow and show him what you like, kiss him the way you like to be kissed and encourage him to do the same.

Another thing to consider is, is there actually a spark there? Are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend, is there chemistry there, does he give you butterflies, has there ever been a time when you just wanted to jump him? I'm sure you love him and care about him but if you're not feeling anything when you're intimate with him, well maybe you just don't gel on a sexual level. As the song goes, sometimes it's in his kiss...

Fluorescence

For me bad kissing is a deal breaker. I've been with a few, and even though I did give them a chance and try to help them "fix" poor technique it just wasn't working. Mind you I'm talking a few weeks/months at most here, not years :eek:. But if as you say you're repulsed by him/his kissing then why are you still with him??

fghijkl

OP i have to agree with beks101, how you have managed to let the relationship get this far is beyond me?

In the grand scheme of things it may seem trivial, but I love a good kisser.

There's no way i could stay with a bad kisser, Op the thing is it's not trivial at all, it's one of the most important and fundamental things in a relationship IMHO.
In saying that i've only ever come across one really bad kisser in my life, and the reason he was so bad was simply because he refused to change his style. He'd been in a 5 year relationship before i met him so i guess he was just stuck in a particular (bad) style of kissing. I tried the whole sexy 'let me kiss you' line and i began to kiss him the way i liked to be kissed, you know what he did? he ignored me and just started kissing me his way anyway! No way could i put up with that, 4 dates was my limit, i've no idea how you've stuck with him to the point where a proposal is on the cards?!

I love kissing so much and I could do it for hours but even the feel of his mouth and tongue when he comes near me turn me off. It really is that bad. Once I tried to bring it up, nicely and subtlely and it resulted in him getting really upset and not kissing me or being intimate at all for weeks as he felt bad. So I had to assure him that it was fine and now it's back to normal, which is me avoiding kissing and sex and only really going for it if I have had a drink and can put up with it. I feel so bad.

OP if his kissing is actually turning you off, then you're in major trouble. Maybe it would help if you could pinpoint exactly what it is about his kiss that doesn't do it for you? Too much tongue, too slow, too fast whatever. Maybe if you sat him down and explained exactly what it is about his kiss that you don't enjoy it might be better than trying to do it subtley where he prob thinks your just saying he's a crap kisser. If you could tell him specifics he might not take such offence as you're actually giving him "specific" things he can change. Maybe also if you approach it by saying "i prefer to be kissed with less tongue" for example rather than "i don't like it when you use so much tongue" so you're not running down his technique but instead expressing your preference.

Although it sounds like you've been together a few years and if he can't sit down and discuss it with you at this point in the relationship without getting into a childish huff about it, then honestly i can't see him changing tbh.

Another thing to consider is, is there actually a spark there? Are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend, is there chemistry there, does he give you butterflies, has there ever been a time when you just wanted to jump him? I'm sure you love him and care about him but if you're not feeling anything when you're intimate with him, well maybe you just don't gel on a sexual level. As the song goes, sometimes it's in his kiss...

+1

HannahBecker

We were friends for years and already love each other in that respect. One I looked at him and realised that maybe I felt a bit differently about him than I thought I did. My feelings became really strong and I felt confused but certain we would be perfect together as we get on so well. I admitted this to him (through email and from a foreign country) and he responded telling me that he had felt that way about me for years. So we had about 4 months of non-stop texts and emails and we were finally reunited and the expectation and build-up had been immense. But from the very first time he kissed me, I knew it was bad. But I wanted to believe so badly that we were perfect and that it was perfect. I am not repulsed by him, I know I know used that word, but I mean I am only a bit repulsed when he kisses me. I don't find him physically repulsive at all, he looks good, he smells good and he's very good in bed. But I find myself just having sex with him where I avoid the kissing or just try to do loads of singular kisses on his face or body rather than a full on kiss because it is that bad when we do. He is 34. I don't want to have to teach him how to kiss. I think I would actually rather if he was bad in bed than a bad kisser.

fghijkl

I don't want to have to teach him how to kiss. I think I would actually rather if he was bad in bed than a bad kisser.

I don't mean to sound harsh but he's not going to magically change his kissing technique one day, it's just not going to happen.

And if you don't "teach" him, well then it's never going to change....

I just don't understand how you'd rather spend the rest of your life not kissing the man you love rather than sitting down and discussing it with him. Surely if you love each other you can talk about these things? I'm sure if he knew how you really felt he'd do his best to change??

flowerchild

Could I be with a bad kisser forever? Well, no. But strangely, for some reason I have not been able to work out, I have never liked kissing.

It feels too intimate.

ted1

i was face rapped by am american last weekend who had a cracking body but was the worst kisser ever she was like a tumbel dryer. I couldn't get away east enough. So yeah bad kissing scares us guys

Ickle Magoo

Kissing, like all things sex related, is down to technique and so what one partner loves may feel awful to someone else.

You wouldn't let a relationship continue whereby his technique in touching you in any other regard was unpleasant so why kissing? Why not just show him/tell him how you like it - I think everyone would rather know they were making their partner go weak at the knees and getting it right than blindly hoping they are.

cantdecide

+1

You have to find a tactful way of bringing this up but you have to have your way on this.

LegacyUser

The very first time my girlfriend kissed me she said immediately afterwards whilst smiling "Hmm I thought you'd be a better kisser". I must admit I was taken aback and my pride was wounded but I respected her for saying it up front like that and not beating around the bush. My solution was to ask her how she would like to be kissed. After a few awkward trials I quickly learned what way she liked it and have continued to do it like that since then, much to her delight.

Now I had never received any complaints before so it might just be a case that my current gf likes it an unusual way. You need to explain to your bf that you don't like his technique. Try to avoid telling him that he's a 'bad kisser'. Perhaps rephrase it to say that you prefer it a different way.

If he reacts like a child and throws a fit about that then well it doesn't auger well for other areas of your relationship.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend was a terrible kisser when I first scored him and I taught him how to kiss properly! I think I probably told him when I was drunk or something that he was kissing wrong, he used to kind of bang his teeth off mine!! so I kinda showed him how to do it properly!

give the poor lad a chance and gently tell him what hes doing wrong!