Long-term relationship issues

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd ask someone for advice on this as it's really getting to me. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years, since I was 15. We've had our fair share of fights and arguments but nothing major yet. The problem is...it's been four years now and I feel like we're just going through the motions. I know people always make the mistake of always expecting relationships to be like the 'honeymoon period' of the first few months but I really do feel like the spark is completely gone.

To add to this, I recently made friends with a guy who I do feel that spark with and I feel horrible for it. Nothing has happened with this guy as I never want to cheat on anyone but the urge is there.

So my problem is this; I have had a good four years with my boyfriend but it seems like the whole thing has just fizzled out to me. Would I be mad to abandon these good 4 years for some guy who just gives me the butterflies (As cheesy as that sounds)? Is this something that everyone experiences in long-term relationships? Should I just ride it out? I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I'd really appreciate your help though.

Miss Fluff

Yes relationships can fizzle out. It's also very easy to simply "grow out" of someone. You got together at 15 which is terribly young and you can change so much in four years, especially at such a tender age. If you're simply not feeling it any more than do the decent thing. And if at all possible, try and leave a decent amount of time between breaking up and getting together with this other guy. This is such an amazing time in anybody's life so don't just go from one LTR to the next, have some time to yourself to enjoy your youth!!

KiLLeR CoUCh

Hi Op. Relationships do fizzle out over time, especially when people get together so young. If you're not happy, you're not happy. Don't look at it as throwing away the passed four years, I'm sure you grew up a lot and gained a lot from your bfs company and at the end of the day that's all you can ask for.

One thing I will say is don't leave somebody for someone else. Leave them for yourself. I think hopping from one person to another can lead to a lot of wreaked heads and "what ifs" so by all means if you decide to end what you have, take a couple of months to yourself to just reflect and enjoy your own space.

Zen65

guiltyandconfused wrote: »

Would I be mad to abandon these good 4 years for some guy who just gives me the butterflies (As cheesy as that sounds)?

Hi Op,

I think it's a bad idea to keep a relationship going which you started at 15, and you should not attach any great significance to the 4 years of time together. In later life I'm pretty sure you'd regret it if you did not try other relationships with other men, but instead settled for somebody you met so young.

Move on, try other things. It sounds as though you've slipped into allowing your current relationship be nothing more than a habit. You're far too young to be in this position.

BE at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Thank you guys so much for your advice. It's just so weird because up until about a month ago I would have happily agreed to spend the rest of my life with him. He is an amazing guy; really kind and caring and affectionate but he really does deserve someone who's really into him. I just don't know how I'm going to explain it to him that I want to end it when last month we were discussing (not too seriously but still) how it would be cool to emigrate together. I have no idea how to break it to him without breaking his heart.

Wisco

Even though you don't want to hurt him, it's inevitable that you will. However, it sounds to me like you need to move on. 4 years may be a long time, but you're both very young and at 19 you're only just learning who you are and what you really want to do with your life. My advice is to make a break now- when you both look back in a few years, the hurt won't be as big and I think you'll be relieved to have all options open to you. Like another poster said, don't do this for someone else, do this for you. I made the mistake of settling down with someone when I was quite young, and regretted it. It was only after we split up that I realized how happy I could be and what I really wanted to do with myself.
So go for it- you have your whole life ahead of you, independence beckons, and so does adventure and real life.

LegacyUser

KiLLeR CoUCh wrote: »

One thing I will say is don't leave somebody for someone else. Leave them for yourself. I think hopping from one person to another can lead to a lot of wreaked heads and "what ifs" so by all means if you decide to end what you have, take a couple of months to yourself to just reflect and enjoy your own space.

This is sound advice. You're talking about a relationship that has lasted pretty much a quarter of your life; it takes time to go from being half of a couple to just being you again after that level of commitment. And jumping ship from one LTR is no way to start another. You'd be well advised to take some time to regroup, even if you're not going to play the field or anything - any future relationships you have will be stronger for it. Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP, before you met this new guy, how did you feel about your boyfriend?? Could this just be a crush? And are you thinking the grass is greener??

If your answers are no to those questions then you are right to break up.
The man you think you would marry at 16, you would never marry at 21, is something I heard before. And it was true for me. Just wish I didnt wait nearly 4 years to do something about it.
Do it now, and stick to your guns. And enjoy your singledom and like another poster said, wait a while to get togther with someone else. Find out who YOU are, because you have been a couple for nearly all your teenage years.
Best of Luck.x