Need to unplug and make new friends

LegacyUser

Hi there

I'm a mid 20s single guy from Dublin. I work in IT, and when I get home from work I find I'm spending all my free time by myself, bored, wasting away the evenings on Facebook or playing my guitar or reading or whatever. - I don't this is healthy. The only time I see my friends is the odd evening during the week or at weekends, in the pub, and I don't think it's healthy that I only see my friends when I'm drinking. I'd be a fairly quiet, introverted type of guy, I'd be kind of nerdy, but not in an antisocial way. I get on with most people (or I'll make an effort to). I get on well with the people I work with, we'll often go for drinks on a Friday night, but I find midweek that I have nothing to do or nobody to do it with, and it drives me nuts, I feel I'm wasting away what should be the best part of my life.

On top of all this, I don't think a lot of my friends respect me, or that their respect for me has diminished over time. They'll often exclude me from things like trips away or whatever, and when I do include me , on nights out say, I'll get a text at 10pm saying "we're in pub X if you want to join us," so I've been excluded from the decision of choosing a venue, they all agree amongst themselves in advance it seems. They have this general banter amongst themselves which I'm not privy to, and it annoys me sometimes. Some of my other friends only seem to appear when they need something from me, like a bit of technical advice or advice on personal problems, and then they'll disappear, often for weeks at a stretch.

I think part of the problem is that I am the odd man out in my group of friends, I don't have as much in common with them as they do with each other. Most of them went to school together, so I knew a couple from childhood but the rest via mutual friendships, they all play football together on weekends, they all meet up and play computer games while having a few beers on weekends (I really don't find that any fun). They definitely don't take me seriously. The friends I did go to school and college with, I never really see bar a few as they lived in different parts of the city or county, moved or emigrated or just went off the radar completely.

I acknowledge that this is partly my fault. I wouldn't be particularly proactive about meeting new people but this is due mostly to a lack of self-confidence, and this obviously causes problems when meeting girls - I don't! I suppose what I would like is some advice on social things to do after work in Dublin. Just something to get me out of the house and away from computers!

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

If you play guitar why not try and set up a band, eventually you'll have a circle of probably 4 friends, you'll play gigs and meet more people, thereby expanding your friend network. Only cost in doing this is setting up a band can be very difficult.

cafecolour

You're not unique, this could almost be a sticky at this point

Join some social clubs based on interests (rugby, kayaking, walking, cooking, a book club, etc.). Check out various events/get-togethers - meetup.com is pretty active for Dublin.

In general as well, don't be too sensitive about whether friends 'like you' or not - if they're texting you, they obviously like you. Keeping a mental tab of the sort like "I've texted so and so 5 times this week and they've only texted me three, they mustn't really like me that much" is a method for madness. Self-awareness is definitely a good thing, but don't over analyze too much

Denerick

You are conditioned by this society to think that enjoying time by yourself is both unhealthy and strange. For the vast majority of people, the idea of spending any significant length of time alone is anathema. If you really aren't happy with this set of circumstances, then you must put greater effort into your existing friendships. But it sounds to me like you don't really enjoy their company anyway. Which leads me to question why you are giving yourself such existential angst over this.

Leading a solitary existance needn't have to be bad. Solitude and detachment may be considered a good thing. Most great writers, scientists and the great creators of history tend to be solitary beings. Popular culture wants you to be ordinary and generic. Normalcy is simply a majority construction.

In short, pursue what you want to pursue. If you're unhappy, change it. But that line: I don't this is healthy.

Why not?Why wouldn't it be healthy if you are happy?

baby and crumble

I have to say OP, i'm not too far off your situation, in a few ways. Most of my really good friends have emigrated in the last 18 months, and it's tough to get out and meet new people that you have something in common with- it's often really easy to just stick with who you already know, even if they're not really your kind of people.

Definitely try meetup.com- I'm a member of a group on there, and it's good. Some of them are more active than others, and some are really niche, but there's a few movie clubs, for example, where a few people meet up to go to the cinema together and for a drink or coffee afterward. Something simple like that might be a good place to start.

But something I'm only just learning- you say you spend a lot of time alone, and it's not healthy. I agree, but only to a certain extent. You need some time alone, but only if it's quality time. Arsing on FB isn't quality time. Your guitar playing probably is. And it'll leave you feeling a lot more happy, so picking up a new hobby might be good too.

Sibylla

OP some good advice has been given, Try joining a club or taking up a new hobby.
Considering there are so many threads like this I'm surprised there isn't a 'Find a friend'
thread in TGC like TLL or a mutual one.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys/Gals

I've taken your advice and joined meetup.com. I've signed up for a few different groups so I'll definitely make a big effort to go to as many as I can. I hadn't heard of the site before but it's a great idea actually!

A couple of other people I talked to about it said that I'm being very hard on myself about spending time alone and my friends obviously respect me. Anyway, I'll give it a go and see how I get on

Flashgordon197

I would also advise that you talk to one of your friends and relate how you feel a bit excluded. People are normally not that bad. There must be one of your friends in this group who you can relate to ?