Can you 'hate' a child?

LegacyUser

Is it possible to hate a young child?

I ask because although I'm a parent myself, I have a friend who has a child who I really can't stand. My children have loads of friends, some of whom practically live in our home and all of whom I genuinely care for. Having seen these children grow from newborns to toddlers to early/mid teens, I treat some of them like my own and that's the way I like it.

But a friend of mine - who had no children until she was 39, now has a 7yr old. The child (a girl) is a brat - there is just no easy was to say it. She is a constant moan, nothing is good enough for her, she cries, she whinges, she is rude, cheeky (to everyone, including her mom) she never eats anything you give her, (if there are a few kids around the table, she insists that she wants something different to everyone else) she wants everything she sees, she kicks up such a fuss if she doesn't get her own way and I could go on, but I would be here forever.

I find myself avoiding this friend lately - and yet, I am very fond of her. She has a pretty high-powered job and a very successful professional life. But she really has a child that I cannot stand.

I am getting a bit worried about this now as even when her name is mentioned in conversation, I find myself thinking of ways to avoid her (the child) and getting myself in knots, making excuses when my friend says she might pop in for a coffee at the weekends.

Even when my friend rings me for a chat, I can hear her moaning in the background because her mom isn't giving her attention.

So is it possible to hate a child when of course, I know that this is really her parents fault for letting her away with so much - but we went to the parade with them yesterday and I was fit to strangle the girl (not literally, of course!) with her constant moaning.

Has anyone felt similar to me about a child, because these feelings really make me uncomfortable????

Chuchoter

Some kids are just not nice. The girl I babysit, who although she is 8, is an absolute cow and a total bully. I have no qualms about saying it, she is nasty and is well aware of what she is doing. Kids are people with their own personalities, you're allowed to not like them.

Cottontail

I remember years ago I was living in a house with 2 other girls. The girl who owned the house had a young child (about 4) and she was a BRAT. I couldn't stand her. I remember having to babysit her one night when her mother went out. It was my birthday and it was the most miserable night i've ever had. She wouldn't do a thing she was told. The happiest day was when I moved out after the course I was doing was finished.

I also lived in another house with a single mother who had a young son (also about 4). He could be a lovely child at times but other times he could be an absolute monster. He had learning problems though and there was difficulties with his dad as well, who lived abroad and would not visit when he was meant to etc, and the child would also be upset for ages after seeing his dad and then the dad left again. So a lot of it wasn't really his fault but it could be difficult living in that house at times too!

So yes, it is possible to really dislike (I hesitate to use the word HATE as it is very strong and emotive word) some children. To be fair though, a lot of children's behaviour is down to how they are let behave. if the girl you speak of wasn't let away with that behaviour by her parents then she wouldn't behave in that way. I feel sorry for you having to avoid her mother just to avoid seeing her daugher but hopefully the situation will improve.

Oryx

I think its possible to dislike a child, its just a bit taboo to say so. I wouldnt use the word hate though. I think thats too strong, after all, this is a child youre talking about, kids just respond to their world, I dont think even the worst behaved young child deserves to be hated for their behaviour. I always thought kids acted up because something's wrong in their life, or through learned behaviour, not because they are inherently 'bad'.

Kildrought

I think it would be better to say you hate the child's behaviour, rather than the child themselves. Behaviour can (and does!) change over time.

I also think you need to talk honestly to your friend before this ruins a long standing friendship.

Daisy!

Kildrought wrote: »

I think it would be better to say you hate the child's behaviour, rather than the child themselves. Behaviour can (and does!) change over time.

I also think you need to talk honestly to your friend before this ruins a long standing friendship.

There will be no friendship if the OP tells her the truth. Parents think their children are perfect, there's no way she'll be impressed if the OP tells her how much she dislikes her child.

Lady Chatterton

crayolastereo wrote: »

Some kids are just not nice. The girl I babysit, who although she is 8, is an absolute cow and a total bully. I have no qualms about saying it, she is nasty and is well aware of what she is doing. Kids are people with their own personalities, you're allowed to not like them.

Why are you babysitting a child that you have such a poor opinion off? As a parent, I would be completed gutted if my babysitter felt like that about my child and didn't raise their concerns with me.

snuggles09

i have a friend with a daughter who is about 8 and i dont hate the child at all it's just her behaviour grates on me. she's always moaning about everything, whinging like a 2 year old when she is 8 and wants everything her own way..i try to avoid my friend when i see her coming with this child because i swear i do be fit to strangle her (again not literally!) when she starts..i blame my friend though because she never gives out to her or pulls her up on her behaviour..she is going to be an absolute nightmare when she is older if she behaves like this now

so in answer OP i can totally see where you are coming from and again as said above, some parents think that their kids are angels and one of my main pet peeves in life is people who can't see any bad in their own kids..does my head in:mad:

Kildrought

...there's no way she'll be impressed if the OP tells her how much she dislikes her child..

Which is why we refer to the behaviour and not the child; and it is quite possible to talk to parents about their less than perfect children without everyone getting up in arms about it.

deisemum

Well if your friend comes to your house and if her daughter starts up then be firm and say something like "we do not do that in this house" and if she still acts up say something like "you've already been told we do not do this/whatever in this house and if you continue then I'll have no choice but to ask your mum to take you home" and follow through if she does. I've done the above to a friend's child and followed through and next time the child was in my house she behaved and my friend didn't say anything. Your house your rules.

Do the same if they're visiting and you're in conversation with your friend and she keeps whining and interrupting just for attention sake.

If she's not happy with whatever you give her to eat say that's all that's on offer and don't offer an alternative.

If she's rude and cheeky to you pull her up on it and tell her it is rude to speak to people like that.

If you're visiting your friend and it's the same just say to your friend it's obviously not a good time and leave.

Jesus Wept

Of course.

John Mason

absolutely.

there are certain children i hate with a passion but on the other hand i feel sorry for them. they have crap parents and because of their upbringing they will be hated as adults.

i have a friend with an horrendous child, i hate being in their company because of her behaviour but i have noticed when this child stays with me, she knows the ground rules and is a lovely kid no whinging and playing up, she will be perfect all weekend. a joy to be with but the second she walks into her parents house she turns in to a horrid brat,

children are little fe.ckers and they know what they can and cannot get away with and with whom they can play up with

LegacyUser

See all this 'hate the behaviour, not the child' is very super-nannyish I'm afraid. This particular child has no, and I mean NO redeeming features. She does not have one quality about her that I like - the child IS her behaviour as far as I can see and her behaviour, 100% of the time, is disgraceful and I find it difficult to seperate the child from her behaviour.

I am still recovering from her comments at the parade, when everything was 'crap' or 'boring'.. Her mom was at pains to point out the beautiful colours, the effort people went to to make the huge floats...but nothing seemed to impress her. We had other children with us, all of whom stood with their mouths gaping open at the splendor of the things they saw in the parade. Yes, they got bored after a few hours, as all kids do at the parade, but this girl had little or no interest in anything going on around her from the second we got there, even though she kicked up a huge fuss about wanting to go that morning. We had promised them all lunch in Eddie Rockets but no, that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted to go to a proper restaurant..so off her mum brought her to a place myself and my hubby would go out to dinner!!!!!

I am glad to see that there are others who feel the same about certain children. I have never felt this way about a child in my life, and as I said, it was beginning to unnerve me. I will be avoiding this friend and her child for as long as is possible.

amdublin

unregistered wrote: »

. We had promised them all lunch in Eddie Rockets but no, that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted to go to a proper restaurant..so off her mum brought her to a place myself and my hubby would go out to dinner!!!!!
.

Sounds like mum is enabling the bad behaviours.

Bannasidhe

Children are people too - which means they have their own personalities. A person can dislike the behaviour of a child in the same way as one can dislike the behaviour of an adult. It's just not PC to say so.

All of us as children encountered other children we couldn't stand but as adults we are required to cast about for excuses for a badly behaved child which often exonerates them - 'ah sure, it's not their fault because...' and while yes, some children have been allowed to use bad behaviour to get their own way (remember when they were called 'spoilt') there should come a point when the child knows this is not acceptable - sadly many carry this behaviour into adulthood.

A spoilt brat is a spoilt brat and what ever the reason I don't see why I should tolerate appalling behaviour from anyone - adult or child. While I do think 'hate' is too strong a word - dislike and avoidance would be more my feeling.

mattjack

I,M a coach for an underage sports, i see bad behaviour regularly from a number of kids on the team...but if you look more closely, a lot of the time the issue comes from the parents...divorce,broken families,spoilt kids always some underlying aspect in the background..its never the childs fault.Hate is a very strong word...maybe dislike ...

Sleepy

amdublin wrote: »

Sounds like mum is enabling the bad behaviours.

Picked up on the exact same line myself I have to admit. If our kids misbehaved like that they wouldn't get dinner out anywhere, nevermind get to "upgrade" the restaurant.

You mentioned your friend has a high-powered job, am I right in presuming the child gets everything she wants because her mother feels guilty for not being around as much as she'd like due to work commitments?

stovelid

I think you can dislike a child for sure, although it's not considered polite to do so. That said, I do think a brat of a 7 year-old does at least have more chance of improving than say, a teenager or young adult with a similar attitude.

gcgirl

My next door neighbours 6 yr old is a nasty piece of work, makes my 3 look like little angels. Seriously needs a good kick up the hole or a child therapist

simplistic2

Have you tried asking the child about her feelings? and if there are certain needs of her not being met? I'd take a guess that she is either emulating the mothers behaviour or is feeling unwanted, isolated or unloved.

It is completely and utterly your friends fault, kids are blank slates until most are used as posion containers by their parents. If anything you should hate the mother for her behaviour instead of projecting it onto an innocent child. If you really cared about the child and the mother you would sit the mother down and ask her about her parenting style. If it doesnt work and your friend loses her head - then you have the answer already.

BostonB

I don't buy into this is the always parents. Thats a lazy dogma of an answer.

You could have 5 kids and only one of them could be like this. They may be all the same personalities, they may not. That not to say it impossible to correct or deal with. But it may be harder for one child than another sibling, because their nature is different. In my experience you can retrospectively recognize personality traits in babies. You often don't realise it till later. Like the child who is very tidy, or the one who isn't, or the one that loves art, or the one that loves football. Some are stubborn, grumpy, determined etc.

That said. If as the OP commented, the child is not corrected by the parent, its hard to avoid the conclusion that "in this case" the parent isn't doing their job. I'd have to agree that, often if you say anything, you could lose a friend, then again it looks like you've already lost them. You could drop subtle hints. But many take them badly.

professore

Some people are mean. That's life - they had to be kids at one stage. Like the kid who tortures a cat or dog or other kids. I don't care what upbringing they had this is not learned behaviour in many instances.

You can't say that in all cases it's the parents fault, although in many cases it is. However much of the personality is inherited so in a way it's not fully the parents fault. You also have families where all the kids bar one are well behaved and mannerly. You have to ask yourself then if there are kids who are just born with a mean streak. I believe there are.

professore

simplistic2 wrote: »

It is completely and utterly your friends fault, kids are blank slates until most are used as posion containers by their parents.

I disagree somewhat with this statement. I have 3 kids and they are all very different. None of them are bad kids, thankfully, and I am sure they could be poisoned to some extent at least under different circumstances, but they have their own personalities which have nothing to do with how they have been raised.

Having said that, in the OP's case it does sound like the kid has been spoilt by her parents. Much of this is overcompensation because of her "high powered career". All most kids want is love and your time. If your career interferes with this then ditch the career, and make do with less. As the famous quotation goes, Nobody will say on their deathbed 'I wish I had spent more time in the office'. By the way this doesn't have to be the woman in the relationship, either parent will do.

we'llallhavetea_old

tbh i only like my own child. other kids can be fine, in small doses, otherwise they irritate me beyond belief. whataya gonna do *shrugs*

maameeo

im surprised your friend hasnt moaned to you about her daughters behaviour!

If my daughter acted like that infront of my friend id say 'sorry about that' or 'are your kids ever like that?' or 'what do you do when yours get like this?'

i find it odd that shes oblivious. if she is actually saying things like this then id say something, even say 'have you watched super nanny?' :pac:

at the moment you dont have much of a friendship, you may as well bring it up gently (there has to be a polite way of telling her her daughter is a brat!). that poor child is gona get worse if she isnt disciplined

Whynotme

divorce,broken families

Mattjack, have to say I am SICK of people quoting this. As both a product and unfortunately a member of both, I hate when people use this as an excuse. None of my family, siblings or offspring have had issues directly resulting from the above. If one of mine DARED to use this as excuse they would be blown out, end of. I wish people would stop using this as an excuse for bad behaviour. By doing so they are saying ok you are a victim, but they are not if the parents handle it correctly. It makes me MAD to hear this used in school, court or wherever.................:eek:

mattjack

Whynotme wrote: »

divorce,broken families

Mattjack, have to say I am SICK of people quoting this. As both a product and unfortunately a member of both, I hate when people use this as an excuse. None of my family, siblings or offspring have had issues directly resulting from the above. If one of mine DARED to use this as excuse they would be blown out, end of. I wish people would stop using this as an excuse for bad behaviour. By doing so they are saying ok you are a victim, but they are not if the parents handle it correctly. It makes me MAD to hear this used in school, court or wherever.................:eek:

I said a lot of the time, not all the time...I see it every week.., but I recognise what you are saying ,not EVERY child from broken families or parents who are divorced is badly behaved..you are very much entitled to your opinion as I am..I,m not using it as an excuse ....its the excuse we are given week in , week out and I take your point whoever raised you ..your Mum or Dad obviously raised so well that you are prepared to defend your position,... without doubt the parent(s) are responsible not the child

metrovelvet

Whynotme wrote: »

divorce,broken families

Mattjack, have to say I am SICK of people quoting this. As both a product and unfortunately a member of both, I hate when people use this as an excuse. None of my family, siblings or offspring have had issues directly resulting from the above. If one of mine DARED to use this as excuse they would be blown out, end of. I wish people would stop using this as an excuse for bad behaviour. By doing so they are saying ok you are a victim, but they are not if the parents handle it correctly. It makes me MAD to hear this used in school, court or wherever.................:eek:

I dont think its used as an excuse but kids from divorced homes are often under a lot of stress, have been through a lot of pain, or are going through a lot of pain, and that can lead to both acting out or due to deficiencies in parenting, either not enough or one of the parents spoil them out of guilt or whatever, or never seeing two people talk out and resolve a conflict, or many many other outcomes.

Yep. I know no one wants to talk about this, admit to it, but its there.

LegacyUser

Op here.

for the record, this child's parents aren't divorced/separated. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in not liking a child - perhaps 'hate' is too strong a word, but it's close.