Help me help my friend please

LegacyUser

Hi,
My friend lost her only child very suddenly. How can I help her. I feel useless.
Mothers day is approaching... I wish I could cancel it. Should I do something for her?? buy her a card from her child. She is still a mom after all?? If anyone has been through losing a child- what helped you cope??

axel rose

I haven't lost a child but I did lose my husband very suddenly.

There is no 'right' answer in this one op. If you want to get a 'Thinking of you' card do-Personally they do nothing for me, but thats me. ( I'm thinking a mums days card is not a great idea).

You would be so surprised at how people avoid the bereaved. I suggest that if you want to be a good friend then phone and visit regularly. be a shoulder to cry on, be a distraction by means of mundane conversation, head out for lunch.........Be the same friend as you always were really.......

Hi OP,
I know it's a cliche but just be there for her. I certainly wouldn't buy her a card for mother's day. Maybe bring her for lunch the day before or something but not on the day. On the day, you could call to her house but not make a big deal of it, just pop by with a packet of biscuits or a nice cake. As insignificant as Mother's day can be when you're children are alive and well, it's absolutely heartbreaking when you've lost a child, particularly if you have lost your only child/children.

As Axel Rose said, just be the friend you usually are. Don't fuss over her but be there for her. Talk to her, but about normal things, let her talk to you about her bereavment if she chooses but don't always bring it up.

Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

Thank you, I might just visit her so. I will always be a friend.. I jsut wish I could do something for her. Thanks for the replies!

eastbono

Please dont buy her a card. I have buried a child over 20 years ago and still have two lovely daughters and if some one had given me a card from my daughter on mothers day after she had died It would have taken me a long time to forgive them. All I can say is be there for her... grief comes in different stages and different forms to everyone. No one experiences grief in the same way it is a very individual thing and time does heal but you never forget.

Fittle

Firstly, well done for even asking what you can do in this situation. I have been through the death of both parents, and the people who helped me the most (although they don't realise it) are those who continued to chat about my mam and dad on mothers/fathers day, xmas, birthdays etc.

I have/had a friend who also lost her only child when he was 16. To this day, I feel I failed her completely by not being there for her. However, she had amazing family and friends who were closer to her than I was, and even though I still think of her and her son very often, at the time (ten years ago) I wasn't a mother myself so I got it all wrong, thinking that by not mentioning him, it was easier for her. She has since emigrated to austrailia and we are no longer in contact, and it's something that I still regret.

Ask her if she is doing anything on mothers day - perhaps going to the grave or marking the child's passing - ask her if she'd like you to be around or if she'd prefer to be alone. Communicating with her is the key - acknowledging her child is no longer here, but also acknowledging the fact that she is still a mother.

Fittle

Fittle wrote: »

Ask her if she is doing anything on mothers day - perhaps going to the grave or marking the child's passing - ask her if she'd like you to be around or if she'd prefer to be alone. Communicating with her is the key - acknowledging her child is no longer here, but also acknowledging the fact that she is still a mother.

I have to say I disagree with this, I personally think that by bringing it up with her you would be forcing her to think about something she may not want to think about at the moment. I would have been very upset if someone started asking me what I wanted to do for mothers day after my children died. I guess it's different for different people but my feeling on it is that she will decide herself what she wants to do and she will do it.

I do agree with you on talking about the child with her, not so much reminiscing specifically about the child, but in general conversation. My friends have always done this with me and it has really kept their memory alive without it being with sadness.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the imput. I agree, I won't give her a card.
I will just continue doing what I do. We talk a lot about her child all the time, and the grieving process. It's just heart breaking to see her go through all this. I too am effected by it all. Obviously not as badly as my friend. So its good to talk.

I would love to hear what helped others through it. It's like a never ending nightmare.. that has just begun.

ziltwo

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to say I disagree with this, I personally think that by bringing it up with her you would be forcing her to think about something she may not want to think about at the moment. I would have been very upset if someone started asking me what I wanted to do for mothers day after my children died. I guess it's different for different people but my feeling on it is that she will decide herself what she wants to do and she will do it.

I do agree with you on talking about the child with her, not so much reminiscing specifically about the child, but in general conversation. My friends have always done this with me and it has really kept their memory alive without it being with sadness.

+1

Fittle

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to say I disagree with this, I personally think that by bringing it up with her you would be forcing her to think about something she may not want to think about at the moment.

With respect, she is thinking about the child every second of every day, so a friend of hers acknowledging the child is not going to force her to think about anything that she's not already thinking about.

Fittle

Fittle wrote: »

With respect, she is thinking about the child every second of every day, so a friend of hers acknowledging the child is not going to force her to think about anything that she's not already thinking about.

I didn't say that it would force her to think about the child. I said it would force her to think about what she is doing for Mother's day, or to think about Mother's day at all. Of course she should acknowledge the child, I agreed with you on that.

I do agree with you on talking about the child with her, not so much reminiscing specifically about the child, but in general conversation. My friends have always done this with me and it has really kept their memory alive without it being with sadness.

BostonB

guestthistime wrote: »

T...
I will just continue doing what I do. We talk a lot about her child all the time, and the grieving process. ...So its good to talk. ...

I think you are doing the right thing. Spent time with her, and talk.

Fittle

Deleted User wrote: »

I didn't say that it would force her to think about the child. I said it would force her to think about what she is doing for Mother's day, or to think about Mother's day at all. Of course she should acknowledge the child, I agreed with you on that.

I doubt anything that anybody would say to her would force her to think about Mothers Day as no doubt, it's on her mind in the same way all the 'celebratory' events would be (xmas/birthday/first anniversary etc).

Spend time with her OP.

LegacyUser

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly, well done for even asking what you can do in this situation. I have been through the death of both parents, and the people who helped me the most (although they don't realise it) are those who continued to chat about my mam and dad on mothers/fathers day, xmas, birthdays etc.

I have/had a friend who also lost her only child when he was 16. To this day, I feel I failed her completely by not being there for her. However, she had amazing family and friends who were closer to her than I was, and even though I still think of her and her son very often, at the time (ten years ago) I wasn't a mother myself so I got it all wrong, thinking that by not mentioning him, it was easier for her. She has since emigrated to austrailia and we are no longer in contact, and it's something that I still regret.

Ask her if she is doing anything on mothers day - perhaps going to the grave or marking the child's passing - ask her if she'd like you to be around or if she'd prefer to be alone. Communicating with her is the key - acknowledging her child is no longer here, but also acknowledging the fact that she is still a mother.

Fittle is spot on. My daughter died almost five years ago. After the funeral, she has rarely been mentioned by most of my family including my husband. I find this really hard on top of everything else. Perhaps suggest going to visit the child with her on Mothers day when you call around. This would have been a great comfort to me.

Fittle

Fittle wrote: »

I doubt anything that anybody would say to her would force her to think about Mothers Day as no doubt, it's on her mind in the same way all the 'celebratory' events would be (xmas/birthday/first anniversary etc).

Spend time with her OP.

As I said already, everybody is different, but I know that if someone had asked me after both of my children were killed, what I was doing for Mother's day, it would have upset me greatly.

I guess it's different for different people

Still grieving wrote: »

Fittle is spot on. My daughter died almost five years ago. After the funeral, she has rarely been mentioned by most of my family including my husband. I find this really hard on top of everything else. Perhaps suggest going to visit the child with her on Mothers day when you call around. This would have been a great comfort to me.

That's heartbreaking still grieving I think I was lucky in that people always spoke about my children to me/with me, just in normal chats, in general conversation, not specifically about them, although if I wanted to speak specifically about them then I always had that choice, and used it.

If you ever need to chat or would just like to write lots of nice things about your daughter, drop me a pm

Fittle

I cannot even begin to comprehend the death of a child, so my heart genuinely goes out to you both and I'm actually welling up here even trying to comprehend the magnitude of it.

As I mentioned, both my parents died and that was difficult enough and even now, many many years later, I still love when people mention them to me (old neighbours etc), but we are all different, that's also true

eastbono

Still grieving wrote: »

Fittle is spot on. My daughter died almost five years ago. After the funeral, she has rarely been mentioned by most of my family including my husband. I find this really hard on top of everything else. Perhaps suggest going to visit the child with her on Mothers day when you call around. This would have been a great comfort to me.

I find that very sad to this day we still talk about our daughter who died. All through the years at special occasions eg. communions, confirmations, starting secondary school, graduating we always spoke about her... it was a case of what if Bec was still here what would she be doing now etc etc. As another poster has said to pm her i am also here for you to pm me if you need to chat. 20 years on it is still very sad at times. I'm not a grave visitor I dont need to visit her grave for her to be always in my heart and thoughts.