How do you know if a relationship is over?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'm just looking for a bit of advice. Have been in a relationship for the last 5 years (2 of these have been long distance). Have always been very happy with my BF and love him completely. He is probably one of the best men I know and has a lot of patience with me!

However of late I have been going a bit crazy. The long distance thing is really getting to me and now it seems like he may be away for another year or longer when initially the plan was for him to be away for a year. He does have a job to come back to however so there is no problem for him getting work in Ireland. But I know that he wants to stay away as he is really enjoying where he is working and the people he is working with. Every time I try to talk to him about it he tells me that the jobs in Ireland arent definite though he seems to change the story all the time as I have seen the emails where he has been offered the job and he has requested to have the start date pushed back by a year.

I dont really know what i want to ask. At the moment I am confused as I want him to come home but everytime I see him I just get angrier and angrier that he is not moving back. I have told him that once my current work contract has finished I will be willing to move away with him if his work needs that. Am I being selfish to think that he should come home to be with me until then?

At the moment I barely feel like we have a relationship as when he is home we spend all our time visiting relations and seeing friends that we very rarely have time for each other. Our sex life has become almost non-existant (this is mainly from my side and this worries me even more) As I am worried if the sex is gone out of the relationship maybe there is no relationship left there??? I have always thought that absence makes the heart grow stronger but in this case I feel like we have been growing apart. Dont get me wrong- I miss him when he is not here. But I dont know if i am just missing having someone around to make dinner with and to go for walks with. Or even just to talk to at the end of the day. I have asked him to come home and told him that I am not happy with how things are working. But I am also afraid that if he does come home then I will realise that our relationship is over and I will have dragged him back to Ireland to be with me when he would have been happier elsewhere. But I cant make the decision that we are no longer in love because we arent spending enough time together to know! I am worried about the sex drive mainly - but this has happened to me before and then it has returned. I kind of feel under pressure to have sex when we are together and that then turns me off from having sex if you get me.

I dont know if i should talk to him about these worries or not- I dont think its nice to say to anyone that you dont know if you are in love with them anymore - I dont know if i can take the long distance relationship anymore and I have said this to him. I suffer from panic attacks & anxiety so I dont do well with change. This is one of my major problems at the moment. I have recently gone through a bad period where I was getting panic attacks every day. Things have got a lot better recently but one of the main reasons for this is the fact that I have been regulating my sleeping pattern. But everytime my BF comes home I dont sleep well as I am not used to having someone in my bed anymore. So I dont sleep well and am therefore not in great form. Then it takes me a couple of days to get back to my normal sleeping patterns once he has left.

I think what I am asking is how do you know when a relationship is over? When you have just moved into the best friends zone? I think a lot of this may be coming from the fact that I am almost 30 and am wanting to settle down. Most of my friends are getting engaged and having babies and I still havent lived with my boyfriend! And dont know when I will. I am worried that I will leave it going like this for the next year or two and then I will have wasted the last 4 years on something that should have been ended a long time ago.

Anyways sorry about the really long ranting post. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it

Oryx

You can love someone, and still need them, and yet know that you shouldnt be with them. Thats what Im hearing from you. It sounds like you already know in your heart that you want out of this relationship, but like you say, you are afraid of change, so youre hesitating.

When a relationship goes out of balance, when the compromises you have to make are not balanced by what you get back, thats when you begin to question whether you should continue. It sounds to me like youve reached this stage because you are putting up with the long distance relationship as its what your bf wants, but youre beginning to resent it.

Youve got to talk to him about this, and take the risk of what that talking might cause. Because you cant go on with these hidden doubts. You may end up taking a break to see how you feel, a headspace like that might not be such a bad thing.

Change is scary, but without it, nothing progresses, and our lives get stuck in a rut.

Curry Addict

the way i see it is your boyfriend has been chosing work over you. not only this but also chosing to live in another country away from you.
for me, it would be totally unacceptable for him to chose work. chosing another country would be off the scale tbh.
i couldnt consider a relationship like this for one second.
in a relationship your partner should be no.1 most important thing.
no.2 most important thing is sharing all of yourself with your partner.
but thats just me.
if a person does not positively enhance your life they are not relashionship material.

I am a friend

I agree with other posters. The relationship is not making you happy and while I can understand the requirement to work abroad, his lack of willingness to see your view is worrying.

If It were me, no matter how good the relationship I would not be willing to do indefinite and long term lona-distance relationships. Its very hard (from experience) and to be honest, rarely works...

If any relationship is not making you happy then you need to move on and find one that does. Time is precious. Good luck,

Count Duckula

A relationship ends when you don't want to be in it any more, or when it no longer fulfils you. That doesn't mean you resent the other person in that relationship, or indeed that you no longer love them, but you simply feel nothing for the relationship.

This seems to sum up your feelings quite well. You love your boyfriend, but you no longer care for the relationship - it does nothing for you. You actually seem to care for your boyfriend enough that you don't want to hurt him, but deep down you think he might be better off without you, and you without him.

It's a horrible realisation to make, but you seem mature enough to make it. By the sounds of it your relationship is over. What you must do is try and move on with your life, and allow him to move on with his.

I've had friends (and partners) in your shoes. They loved their boyfriends / girlfriends, and still do, but they knew that they couldn't be together any more. That love is shown differently now; they don't want to be with them, but they want them to be happy with someone else. They care enough for them to want them to be fulfilled in their lives, just not with them.