I treat people like crap

LegacyUser

so to give this background I feel slightly awkward in social situations who doesnt I guess. I feel it stems from bullying and more so for not confront/standing on my feet against it. I am over it now to a large degree but I sensed a great bit of relief since one of my friends talked about it a while ago saying I was a bit "****ed over" by this group. It was as if once it was recognised by someone else it wasnt in my own head, it felt great tbh. Anyway when I say I treat people like crap, I think it comes from this. I would be rather serious all the time finding it difficult to "let my hair down" and chat to strangers drink helped when going out but then I started getting down and saying nothing when drinking so I stopped. I constantly judge people, I also rarely share my opinion unless I really trust the person(not many of these) as Im afraid they will judge me based on what I say and my thoughts are constantly changing so I feel their judgement would betray my actual character.

so basically what I find myself doing in social situations is focusing on the people who are talkative/centre of the conversation, generally group leaders whilst not giving attention to others and really not treating them with respect or properly listening to them. I dont ignore them and I am not outwardly rude or anything but I know at the back of my head that I dont value anything they have to say based on the either my or the "groups" judgement/opinion of a person. When I say groups judgement I dont mean its said this guy/girl is less, I just sort of put people in a pecking order in my head, I tend to do this by watching peoples reactions and body language towards someone most of the time even if I havent talked to someone Ive done this. It hurts when I realise the same applies to me and Im not seen as one of those charasmatic characters, I notice how people judge/ react to me very keenly, not well a lot of the time. I can become cynical about people in general as I feel I am one of those people just havent found myself from being trod upon in another life and that Im not shining through. This sounds like feeling sorry for myself but Im not, its just the way its been built up in my head and the way being bullied has changed how I put myself accross. Ive been taught a lesson(to stand up for myself) but I feel Ive adapted my personality to be less outgoing and "attractive" due to it

I wouldnt be the most handsome lad but I feel it neccesary to add that I am very picky/judgmental when it comes to women, constantly finding flaws reasons that I wouldnt go talk to her

anybody else in a situation like this or willing to give some advice how to alter my behaviour, thanks guys. I find all of this tiring on a daily basis and just want to be able to change, I know Ive recognised it but some direction would really help

Curry Addict

you are going through your formative years. its all natural and you are just growing slowly into adulthud. Its good that you are aware and refining who you are going to be. its a natural process so dont fret it, enjoy it!