Depression putting a massive strain on our relationship

LegacyUser

I can't expect anyone to help me but just thought I'd throw it out there.

Been with my gf for over a year now. Before we got together I was aware that she suffered from severe depression - she warned me away several times. Our relationship has been awesome regardless, but lately it feels like it's all getting to be too much.

She's dropped out of college and can't hold down a job so she hasn't got much to do with herself. She lives with students so she's alone in the house during the day if I'm not there. I've missed more college than I've attended since September, and as you can imagine it's not doing great things for my grades.

If we're having a great day together, it can all go to **** in a second for absolutely no apparent reason - she'll just have a downswing out of nowhere and there's nothing either of us can do about it. I know not to take it personally and that the best I can do is to be there for her but it's a bit distressing when my own girlfriend will hardly look at or talk to me for hours.

She's gotten increasingly needy and clingy, to the point that she literally physically can't walk away from me if we're supposed to be leaving each other to go do separate things. We'll say our goodbyes, I'll turn to leave, and she'll grab a piece of clothing or restrain me somehow. We both pretend it's a joke, but it's not.

She's withdrawn from all of her friends, so I'm the only person she turns to most of the time. We rarely spend a day or night away from each other.

I've given most social events of the past few months a miss, and also have had to ignore friends and frequently cancel plans to meet up with them. I frequently go 4 or 5 days without seeing my own flatmates because I'm at hers. I manage to go out once every few weeks, but I hate missing all the good times my friends have together. I f*cking hate it.

It's gotten to a point where either I'm with her, or expecting/slightly dreading my phone to go off, because all I want is some time to myself, or with friends. Unfortunately she always calls, which means that my resentment rises instead of falls when I'm trying to blow off some steam.

She's been getting vibes that I'm a bit fed up lately and in fairness, keeps asking me frankly if I want to end the relationship. I don't. I love her. I know this is a very ranting post but I do love her. I just feel like I'm sacrificing an awful lot for this, like sometimes I (prepare for overly dramatic sentiment) don't even know who I am anymore cos I go days and weeks without going to my own apartment or lectures.

I know that if I ended it, it would mess her up really badly. She doesn't seem to trust anyone and her self-esteem in general is very low. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not ending it because I love her and have hope for our relationship or because I'm seriously afraid of what might happen afterwards.

Sorry for this all being a bit disjointed, I'm a bit upset and keyboard therapy is my only option right now.

teaholic

A friend of mine suffers depression and suffers very badly with it. She has gotten help and talks to a psychologist every week, meets a psychiatrist regularly, goes to meditation classes once a week.

It has helped her and her marriage, she openly talks about it now where as when I met her first years ago, she didnt admit there was anything wrong even thought there clearly was.

It should be treated like any other illness and your girlfriend should go to a doctor and start on treatments, weather medical or therapy, and start to understand what her triggers are if she has any and the best way to avoid them and how to recognise them.

She needs to get professional help and she will need support too. The last thing you need to end up is resenting her and as you say yourself you love her. But you need a social life too because you will end up resenting her and your relationship will fall apart. From the sounds of your post you are very supportive to her and want to help her. There is not many people like you and she is a lucky girl to have someone so supportive towards her.

LegacyUser

im probably not much help, but I am in the same position as your girlfriend. I am pushing my boyfriend away because my whole life has centred around him, my happiness depends on him. I dont want that to be the case because I can feel him pulling away.

G86

Papillons wrote: »

I can't expect anyone to help me but just thought I'd throw it out there.

Been with my gf for over a year now. Before we got together I was aware that she suffered from severe depression - she warned me away several times. Our relationship has been awesome regardless, but lately it feels like it's all getting to be too much.

She's dropped out of college and can't hold down a job so she hasn't got much to do with herself. She lives with students so she's alone in the house during the day if I'm not there. I've missed more college than I've attended since September, and as you can imagine it's not doing great things for my grades.

If we're having a great day together, it can all go to **** in a second for absolutely no apparent reason - she'll just have a downswing out of nowhere and there's nothing either of us can do about it. I know not to take it personally and that the best I can do is to be there for her but it's a bit distressing when my own girlfriend will hardly look at or talk to me for hours.

She's gotten increasingly needy and clingy, to the point that she literally physically can't walk away from me if we're supposed to be leaving each other to go do separate things. We'll say our goodbyes, I'll turn to leave, and she'll grab a piece of clothing or restrain me somehow. We both pretend it's a joke, but it's not.

She's withdrawn from all of her friends, so I'm the only person she turns to most of the time. We rarely spend a day or night away from each other.

I've given most social events of the past few months a miss, and also have had to ignore friends and frequently cancel plans to meet up with them. I frequently go 4 or 5 days without seeing my own flatmates because I'm at hers. I manage to go out once every few weeks, but I hate missing all the good times my friends have together. I f*cking hate it.

It's gotten to a point where either I'm with her, or expecting/slightly dreading my phone to go off, because all I want is some time to myself, or with friends. Unfortunately she always calls, which means that my resentment rises instead of falls when I'm trying to blow off some steam.

She's been getting vibes that I'm a bit fed up lately and in fairness, keeps asking me frankly if I want to end the relationship. I don't. I love her. I know this is a very ranting post but I do love her. I just feel like I'm sacrificing an awful lot for this, like sometimes I (prepare for overly dramatic sentiment) don't even know who I am anymore cos I go days and weeks without going to my own apartment or lectures.

I know that if I ended it, it would mess her up really badly. She doesn't seem to trust anyone and her self-esteem in general is very low. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not ending it because I love her and have hope for our relationship or because I'm seriously afraid of what might happen afterwards.

Sorry for this all being a bit disjointed, I'm a bit upset and keyboard therapy is my only option right now.

It's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves.

She's putting an awful lot of pressure on you, and you're right, it's not fair. You shouldn't have to deal with that, and it's ok to hate it and wish things were different. The thing is, things aren't different, and if she's not prepared to get help then they never will be. And that hatred will grow, and you'll begin to resent her more and more, whilst loving her at the same time. It's a trap you don't want to fall into, trust me.

You ARE sacrificing an awful lot, and it's not overly dramatic to say that. When you have someone with a mental illness in your life it can begin to take over your whole life, to the point where you don't even feel you have ownership of it anymore. Your feelings are reliant on their feelings, and as much as you may deny it now - those feelings do rub off on you. It's not easy to see someone go from holding your hand to turning their back to you in the space of 5minutes, for no reason at all. And it's not easy to remind yourself again and again that it's not your fault, when all the time it feels like it's completely your fault, because you're the only person there.


Is she seeing a therapist? It's hard to tell from your post. If she's not, then obviously she needs to, but she has to be the one to do it - and that could take a long time. It's not an easy thing to admit to yourself that you need help, and the even scarier thing is worrying that it won't help you at all.

Everyone has to have hope. But you have to have a serious look at things now and figure out if you're with her for the relationship that you wish you had, or the one you have right now. The reality is that you may never have that relationship, things may never change, and what you have now could be the best you ever have together. Is that enough for you? Because if it's not, then maybe love isn't enough either. And it pains me to say it, because I thought for so long that love was all that mattered, but the thing is that sometimes the people we love just can't make us happy. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to, it doesn't mean she isn't trying every day to beat her disease, and it doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate and acknowledge every single thing you do for her.... but it does mean that none of it is working.

IrishEyes19

A lot of people here will suggest her seeing a therapist if she isnt already and although its the right thing to do, you cant force her either.

Also a lot of people dont get how stressful and draining, depression can be on the family and friends of the person who has it. you havent said how young you both are, but although you love her, OP, you do realise if you chose to stay with her, you are in this for the long run,

All Im saying here is, dont stay because you feel she will collapse without you, she's collapsing already. Just suggesting this because its already tearing your relationship apart,