Boyfriend is Paranoid!!

JajaD

Hi ladies.

I would like your advice. Ill try and make it as short as possible.

I am going out with my boyfriend a year and half now. The past few months have been so testing on my patience. When i first started seeing (not going out with) my boyfriend, i kissed some lad literally for a sec and it was a drunken thing that was over as quick as it started, and i didnt like this lad one bit, anyway my boyfriend and i started actually going out with each other. A few months in, i told him i kissed a lad at the very start and he didnt like it one bit. The fact is i love my boyfriend so much but he just doesnt believe or trust me. Lately he is paronoid about everything. Every week he thinks im checking someone out, and accuses me of cheating on him. We always end up fighting now (weekly) over when we are out he thinks im giving lads the eye (which im not). I feel so suffocated and feel like i cant do anything. We are just back from a weekend with all our friends and on the friday night we were all drunk and he called me a slut and said i was checking some lad out, the next nite he accused me of checking out some other lad and called me easy in front of everyone. We got back to our room and he kept me up for 4 hours calling me all sorts of names. I felt so bullied.

Yesterday he apologised and i thought everything was ok but he said today that he just cant stop thinking that im checking people out. He said his head is messed up (even his friends think he has lost it). He told me today that he is going to a councillor because his head is so messed up.I have never cheated on him and never would and i am so good to him. While he was drunk he said im too goodlooking for him and he cant handle it but thats no excuse to treat me so badly.

Anyway, just there he came onto facebook chat and asked me AGAIN was i checking out some lad in the hotel. And i got so upset cos i dont even know what lad he is on about. He sounds like such a weirdo lately. He keeps calling me unsupportive and i should be convincing him that i love him but thats exactly what i have been doing for the last few months. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to break up with him, and he is generally nice to me apart from when he thinks im checking lads out, thats when everything goes pair shaped. His friends say to me that he is too into me, and that he needs to relax and know that i wont cheat on him. (i left my previous boyfriend for him, cos i knew my present boyfriend years and fancied him and met on a night out and we started seeing each other, and i left my previous boyf for my now boyfriend. So that and the way i kissed a lad just before we got together is why he so paro. But he's paro all the time now. I feel so depressed cos i havent done anything on him.

What do i do?

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

Desert Rose

He seems very insecure.. Do you think it could be because you left your previous boyfriend for him and he thinks you might do that to him as well and leave him for someone else? Is he like that only when he drinks a bit, that could affect a lot how we perceive things.. he might become more aggressive or even possessive.

JajaD

Desert Rose wrote: »

He seems very insecure.. Do you think it could be because you left your previous boyfriend for him and he thinks you might do that to him as well and leave him for someone else? Is he like that only when he drinks a bit, that could affect a lot how we perceive things.. he might become more aggressive or even possessive.

I wouldnt have left my other boyfriend for him if i didnt think i loved him but yeah, it defo has a factor in his insecurity. And yeah to the drink thing ...

Desert Rose

Drink can affect different people in different ways.. it messes with the chemicals in the brain and can alter peoples behavior. It often leads to impaired judgement and violent behavior so that can be one of the issues. Though possessive people can be very afraid of losing the person they love and might become a bit emotionally dependent because of this fear.

JajaD

Desert Rose wrote: »

Drink can affect different people in different ways.. it messes with the chemicals in the brain and can alter peoples behavior. It often leads to impaired judgement and violent behavior so that can be one of the issues. Though possessive people can be very afraid of losing the person they love and might become a bit emotionally dependent because of this fear.

Yeah he isnt great with drink and so nice when he is sober. I think thats something to note. Thanks for your reply

Desert Rose

No problem! Hope things work out for you!

Zen65

JajaD wrote: »

So that and the way i kissed a lad just before we got together is why he so paro. But he's paro all the time now. I feel so depressed cos i havent done anything on him.

What do i do?

Hi Op,

I'm fairly certain you're wrong about this; the reason he's paranoid is not because of anything so rational as you describe. Paranoid people do not rationalise their thoughts in this manner. Your boyfriend's paranoia is not rational, and you should not try to explain it away in this manner as being the result of your actions.

He has begun to blame you for his feelings, and you have begun to describe yourself as the guilty party. This is an error on your part.

It's good that he has started counselling, and if you wish to remain together you should support him to continue doing this. Maybe sometimes you could accompany him (if his counsellor thinks this is a good idea) to these sessions, just to show your support?

You should not, however, allow him to subject you to hours of abusive name-calling. Not even minutes of it. I cannot stress this enough. You need to let him know that you want to be with him, but not if he treats you that way. This sort of conduct from him can quickly escalate and become physical, and whatever feelings you have for him, protecting yourself is your first priority.

You should ask him to cut down or cut out his alcohol intake. If he uses any other form of drug (cannabis, cocaine, marijuana, etc.) then he has to cut that out altogether. Your post suggests that he cannot control his paranoia when he's had alcohol, and he will be equally incapable of controlling his anger if the paranoia takes him in that direction.

I felt so bullied.

You should not feel this way in a relationship. Not for a minute. Couples have rows, that's pretty normal. If your instinct tells you that you're being bullied, don't ignore it. The story you tell has been told by countless women before you, and it rarely gets better with time unless you both work very hard at it. He in particular needs to deal with his feelings of insecurity / fear, and you need to establish boundaries for him in terms of how he treats you. If you simply opt to be silent and wait on an apology the next day then the events will likely become more and more intense, and can escalate to violence.

I do not mean to be alarmist. I have read countless accounts of domestic violence case histories in my preparations for teaching self-defence to men and women, and I recognise overtones of early domestic violence in the tale you tell. Your story may be different if he follows through with counselling at this early stage. I hope it is.

Be at peace,

Z

JajaD

Zen65 wrote: »

Hi Op,

I'm fairly certain you're wrong about this; the reason he's paranoid is not because of anything so rational as you describe. Paranoid people do not rationalise their thoughts in this manner. Your boyfriend's paranoia is not rational, and you should not try to explain it away in this manner as being the result of your actions.

He has begun to blame you for his feelings, and you have begun to describe yourself as the guilty party. This is an error on your part.

It's good that he has started counselling, and if you wish to remain together you should support him to continue doing this. Maybe sometimes you could accompany him (if his counsellor thinks this is a good idea) to these sessions, just to show your support?

You should not, however, allow him to subject you to hours of abusive name-calling. Not even minutes of it. I cannot stress this enough. You need to let him know that you want to be with him, but not if he treats you that way. This sort of conduct from him can quickly escalate and become physical, and whatever feelings you have for him, protecting yourself is your first priority.

You should ask him to cut down or cut out his alcohol intake. If he uses any other form of drug (cannabis, cocaine, marijuana, etc.) then he has to cut that out altogether. Your post suggests that he cannot control his paranoia when he's had alcohol, and he will be equally incapable of controlling his anger if the paranoia takes him in that direction.



You should not feel this way in a relationship. Not for a minute. Couples have rows, that's pretty normal. If your instinct tells you that you're being bullied, don't ignore it. The story you tell has been told by countless women before you, and it rarely gets better with time unless you both work very hard at it. He in particular needs to deal with his feelings of insecurity / fear, and you need to establish boundaries for him in terms of how he treats you. If you simply opt to be silent and wait on an apology the next day then the events will likely become more and more intense, and can escalate to violence.

I do not mean to be alarmist. I have read countless accounts of domestic violence case histories in my preparations for teaching self-defence to men and women, and I recognise overtones of early domestic violence in the tale you tell. Your story may be different if he follows through with counselling at this early stage. I hope it is.

Be at peace,

Z

Well he was on coke when he was calling me all sorts but i know he'd never hurt me. I will stick with him throughout the councelling but i dont think he realises how hurt i am and how wrong he is. Hopefully we will sort it out soon.

Thanks for your reply

Zen65

JajaD wrote: »

Well he was on coke when he was calling me all sorts but i know he'd never hurt me.

You cannot know that.

You have said yourself he is behaving like a weirdo. As long as he is using drugs & abusing alcohol his actions are not those of the man you love.

Please, be careful for yourself. Insist that he stops using these drugs, and (probably) that will mean getting help to do so from the counsellor. If he cannot stop then I would strongly urge you to leave this relationship behind you.

Be at peace,

Z

Taltos

OP - Zen is right on the money with this.
As much as you want to bury your head in the sand you are already an abused partner. You may not have physical bruises - but mental/psycological ones are there.

While it is very honorable to want to stick with him during his therapy - you may not be doing the right thing for either of you.
1. You - you are stuck - not moving on, never knowing if his next call will be after some "drink" again questioning you / abusing you. Shortly you will start to question yourself - "what did I do this time - it must be me..."
2. Him - by staying there - you are enabling his behaviour. You are also placing yourself into the role of "crutch" - how do you think he will be after therapy when that crutch gets pulled.

Personally I would either leave now - no-one abuses me like that either in private or in front of friends - that image will stick with them forever...
But you may also go to one of his sessions to break the news so he has the support of his therapist - maybe by speaking to the therapist in advance they can advise if this is really wise or not - but at least they will be prepared.

He needs to change himself, you can't do that for him...

curlzy

Hey OP,

I have to agree with the posters above. Your original post is very scary. The fact you allowed him to shout abuse at you for hours is very very very worrying. If my boyfriend called me a slut, once, never mind repeatedly, he would be crawling over hot coals for another chance, it wouldn't be a case of a simple apology. The fact you're rationalising this and accepting blame makes me think you're going to become one of those women than says "oh it's my fault he hit me, I made him do it". Please don't become another pathetic statistic! You're worth more than that. If I were you I would break it off, at least for the moment, tell him you need a break from him until he sorts his head out. If you do give him another chance make sure he knows this is the very last chance he gets, if he blows it then walk away and don't go back. To many women let their hearts rule their heads and against their better judgement they stick in a toxic relationship. By the sounds of it your relationship is headed that way.

Best of luck.

JajaD

I plan on showing him this thread so he sees how pissed off i am, and he can also see what you all think and that he will know he is the one doing wrong. I dont feel like i can be myself anymore, he always has something to say. Bad things about my friends, bad things about if i go out on nights with them, bad things when we're out together, i feel like i cant do anything anymore like go on trips with my friends, or be in bands, he slags the music im into, i am just feeling so controlled at the minute. He is always asking me questions about what i done, where was i, who was i with etc etc. Its just after getting really bad all of a sudden. I cant take his paranoia and insecurity. Thanks for all your comments.

lace

JajaD wrote: »

I dont feel like i can be myself anymore, he always has something to say. Bad things about my friends, bad things about if i go out on nights with them, bad things when we're out together, i feel like i cant do anything anymore like go on trips with my friends, or be in bands, he slags the music im into, i am just feeling so controlled at the minute.

this is a really serious situation, OP, and you need to really consider whether a relationship in which you feel controlled and smothered could ever be good for you.

abusive behaviour in public, in private or online is not acceptable in any relationship. just because this behaviour has been a sudden change, does not mean it's going to change back any time soon. it will probably escalate and get worse.

if you're feeling smothered or controlled, try to spend more time away from him with friends or family. tell him that unless he's willing to be positive and loving, he should not contact you. do not put up with any kind of mistreatment. try to confide in a family member or friend you trust, so that they know your situation and are ready to help and support you.

it's important that you recognise that the way he's acting is not your fault, and that you do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated now. i understand that you've been with him a long time and you love him, but you have to think about your own happiness here too. trying to "fix" him is not your job. he'll do that himself (with professional help) if he wants to. in the meantime, though, how much longer can you put up with feeling the way you're feeling? you should be out having fun, and you deserve to be happy.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

metrovelvet

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Uh. THis should be the 11th commandment.

Paranoia, insecurity and control, the evil trinity.

If I have learned anything in life, its not to advise or reassure a paranoic. Its a bottomless pit of addiction that feeds an appetite that gets hungier with every mouthful. Its a losing game and you will end up destroyed by it.

Taltos

JajaD wrote: »

I plan on showing him this thread so he sees how pissed off i am, and he can also see what you all think and that he will know he is the one doing wrong. I dont feel like i can be myself anymore, he always has something to say. Bad things about my friends, bad things about if i go out on nights with them, bad things when we're out together, i feel like i cant do anything anymore like go on trips with my friends, or be in bands, he slags the music im into, i am just feeling so controlled at the minute. He is always asking me questions about what i done, where was i, who was i with etc etc. Its just after getting really bad all of a sudden. I cant take his paranoia and insecurity. Thanks for all your comments.

Personally I would not bother.
As per the last few posters this will just feed into his little melodramatic world where everyone is against him and no-one understands what he has to put up with.
You cannot - and will never change him - only he can do that.
My recommendation for what it is worth is as much as it hurts you is to leave this relationship now while you have a shred of self-confidence and learn by this - avoid similar parasites in future and have a happy life.

JajaD

Thanks guys. Hope things work out for the better. x