Very down at the moment

emc28

Hi this is a long one so apologies in advance.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years now. For the first 7 years we were together we both earned good money.We built a house together and things were still going well. He is a tradesman and for the last year work has been very on and off for him and I've had to take a 20% pay cut. We don't have much spare cash but are managing to pay all our bills without using savings.
Things are good between us except for the fact that i want to get married and have children this is the only thing we ever fight about. I always made it clear to him that i wanted to have kids young at about 25 and that it was important for me to be married before we had kids. For the first 7 years we were together the cost of getting engaged and married would have been no problem but i didnt want to push him.
Anyway his sister got married in August and an incident at the wedding really upset me. He was usher so was at the church before me, when i asked him where i was to sit he told me not in the front 3/4 rows because those were for family. I felt like i had been kicked in the guts. He then didn't even sit with me for the ceremony and when photos were being taken i wasn't asked to be in the photos.You might think i'm making a big deal out of all this but it really upset me.
Anyway we had a huge row after this, i told him i was prepared to compromise on the wedding before the babies due to our finances. This was a big compromise for me. We decided to leave it until March to see how things went with work etc and then have a serious conversation about a baby.
Come March the situation hasn't changed much and the other day i tried to talk about a baby. I know we aren't loaded but neither were our parents and they managed and i had a brilliant childhood. Brought it up to him in the car and he said nothing has changed and we still can't afford it, oh the news is on, and proceeded to turn up the radio :mad:. I was fuming. I calmed myself down and tried to speak to him about it later, said i wanted to have a proper conversation. He went ballistic and said it was totally unfair that i approached him that i knew his work was the same as last august and i was putting him in a horrible situation by making him be the one who has to say no!! Made out i was a total b***h for even bringing it up.
At this point i don't know what to do, it seems like excuses. I asked him if i shouldn't be bringing it up am i supposed to just sit waiting until he decides its a good time for us to have a baby and tell me.
Its getting me really down at this point, its like he thinks because we have a house together thats all the commitment he needs to show me. Oh he is 33 and i am 28.
Would really appreciate any advice as i don't really have any close friends it can talk to about this

ladygirl

Hi OP

I dont understand why he asked you not to sit in the first few rows at his sisters wedding, after 10 years of a relationship you ARE family (well in my book anyway). I would consider any of my siblings partners as being family long before 10 years.

Firstly when reading your post I thought you were 25 and I felt that maybe if he was this young he might not be ready for such a bit committment as a child, however at 28 and 33 I do not think your requests are unreasonable.

Is there any way you reckon that you could both sit down and have a rational conversation about this?? Or does he maybe feel his life is unfulfilled in any way - eg - does he maybe want to travel etc before having a child??

I can only think that maybe he is feeling pressure as if you are pregnant he will possibly be the sole provider and that with irregular work he may not be able to manage this. Also with regards a wedding - is it the big white wedding with all the frills?? maybe he feels this is just more expense at a hard time that he dosent need to draw on himself.

I havent any experience on this subject, im just giving you my two cents.
all I can suggest is to try and speak to him (if you can) and without putting pressure (I want to have a baby in x amount of time) try and come to some compromise to suite you both..

Now if he totally is unwilling to have this conversation with you, then you should start worrying!! he may never want marriage or children and in that case it may be a deal breaker for you...

Best of luck op xx

ElleEm

ladygirl wrote: »

Now if he totally is unwilling to have this conversation with you, then you should start worrying!! he may never want marriage or children and in that case it may be a deal breaker for you...

+1.
If he cannot sit down and rationally speak about your future with you, then I would wonder if he is committed to marriage and kids at all.

Do you think you may be pressuring him slightly to follow your agenda, without asking him what his plan is? I am only saying this as I always "wanted" to get married at a certain age, have kids by a certain age etc. but when I got with my partner, I realised that it's not all about me- we will do those things when we are BOTH ready. It's about compromise.

And if he genuinely is putting off the idea of having kids because he wants to be financially better off, well then more power to him! It is admirable to want to set up a good financial base to bring your kids into. But only you know if this is an excuse.

How is your relationship normally? How is his family with you? If you have been together ten years, and have built a house together- you have shown that you are serious. I would be worried if my partner's parent's and family had me at the back of the church at a family wedding.

LegacyUser

I honestly see why he would go ballistic. His work is hit and miss, no regular income so your the main secure earner of the family. If you get pregnant your going to be out of work for a long time and that will no doubt put extra strain on your budget, less income + more expenses = massive amounts of stress.

Men think about these things more rationally and women think about these things more emotionally. He probably thinks you havnt really put much thought into this considering the economic climate and would prefer to wait so his children are not raised in a struggle but with the abilty to spoil and look after them without worrying when the next bill is coming in the door.

Your 28. There is plenty of time to have a baby. Setting deadlines on such things says that you dont really care about the circumstances, you just want what you want, be damned if it all goes wrong. Would waiting a bit longer be that bad really?


As for the wedding, I can only think that his sister doesnt like you.

LegacyUser

He's had the last 3 YEARS (seeing as you've always been open& honest about the fact you've wanted a family from about age 25), if not more, to think about this, it's way out of order to round on you for bringing up the topic, as if it was something you were "suddenly" landing the idea on him bang in the middle of a recession. Way out of order.
He's 33. Meaning he's been 10 years working, minimum. Ok, things are rough now, but every single person is in the same boat. He can't put your lives on hold- there's never going to be a "right" time to start a family...or when he decides it is the right time, one or both of you may have difficulty conceiving.
Is it because he thinks that you'll want to take long maternity leave/become a fulltime mum?
I can't believe neither he nor his family had any issue with you being totally excluded from recent wedding proceedings. This is the most worrying issue of all. Did not one of them make an effort to bring you over to the family pews in the church, or invite you for a photo?
You're still young, OP. I realise you have a house with your OH, but things really need to be clarified asap, he cannot continue kicking for touch for the next 6, 12, 18 months. He's old enough to know his own mind& should be man enough to speak it. This is a make or break issue; you either move on or you move out.
You both need to get together& have an honest conversation. Make time for it, don't bring it up in the car. Set a time and a date in advance& give him his "man time" to get his thoughts together, make sure he knows that this will be the final conversation(one way or another) on the issue.
Good luck. Be brave.

emc28

OP here. I don't want the huge wedding, i wouldn't be one who is eager to be the center of attention to be honest. My parents and siblings and the same for him, registry office and restaurant after.
I understand if he has problems with having a child but i would think as a man of 33 he would be able to have a civil conversation about it (after we agreed we would discuss it again in March) without flying off the handle and sending me on a huge guilt trip for bringing it up.
As far as the wedding is concerned, he has 2 sisters one of them is my closest friend, the other one who was getting married lives abroad so i'm not as close to her but we do get on. Even if she doesn't like me he should have stood up and had a bit more thought for me. If a member of my family suggested i treat him like that they would be told where to go.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Having read your opening post gotta tell you there's major red flags there. He doesn't consider you part of the family??? He sounds manipulative, very selfish and childish to be honest. I mean he would have a little bit of a point if it was just him working and things where hand to mouth but from what you're saying it's an equal partnership that's managing even in this recession. So he won't get married or have babies even though the deadline you had both agreed upon is 3 years past? He has a tandrum if you try to talk about these issues? Yep he sounds very selfish and immature to me. I'd say have a very serious conversation with him about these issues. If he's unwilling to compromise then maybe you should walk away from this one, your biological clock is ticking but also because from the sounds of it he certainly isn't putting you or your feelings very far up on his list of priorities.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

A previous poster, "a mans' view", suggested the reason why your OH is so stressed is that his work is sporadic whereas you are currently the main/most reliable breadwinner, ergo having a baby would not be feasible as you would need to take time off work.
What, in this modern day and age, is preventing the OH himself from looking after the baby? Surely it would make more sense than the poster taking time off?
Why could he not turn the disadvantage of being on parttime work, into the advantage of being a hands-on dad for the first year or so? Being practical about it.
If the bf really thought this through, it could work- IF he wants it to.

LegacyUser

ljlklj wrote: »

ergo having a baby would not be feasible as you would need to take time off work.

What, in this modern day and age, is preventing the OH himself from looking after the baby? .

He wont be able to give birth to the child. I was refering to the fact that many women need time off from work for pregnancy reasons, giving birth and then to get themselves back in the mindframe to go back to work and leave the child at home,

And as this would be her first child might make things "worse". We are all more cautios and worry filled with the first.


Just wanted to clear that up.

LegacyUser

That time is maternity leave& is paid for in the vast majority of jobs by the employer?

LegacyUser

ljlklj wrote: »

That time is maternity leave& is paid for in the vast majority of jobs by the employer?

Yeah Maternity leave is dependant on your contract. Employers are not obliged to pay women on maternity leave.

The max maternity benifit is 262€ a week.

But then there are cases were people cant work during the pregnancy. I worked with a lady would annouced she was pregnant and then i think she worked for another month and that was it. out sick.

Anyway the point i am making is that you cant expect the op to get pregant, work during the full term, take a few weeks off to have the kid and then just get straight back into full time work.

common sense brigade

Your 28. There is plenty of time to have a baby

Not really true. Everyone is different it took me 1 year 1/2 to get pregnant. It might not be easy for the OP to get pregnant she could be trying for a year or two. Also if she is 28 now and wants kids her clock is ticking. after age 35 the chance of complications almost doubles. also if her partner decides again in 3 years he still financially cant have kids where does that leave the OP? Men can biologically have kids for ages, women cannot.

I am a friend

There are 2 issues I have concerns over and the first one is that you are iwth him 10 years and you still, as a couple, cant have a discussion about very important future plans for your lives. Secondly, as already pointed out, he doesnt consider you family... I dont care how stressed he is about work, if he was fully in this relationship, he would be willing to talk to you about your future and explain his reasons for stalling and that is what he is doing - stalling.

Op, if he wont talk to you, then you have a big, big problem here.... You need to ask for a conversation to get an idea where he is coming from. Set a time to talk to him and if he wont then you have to consider your options because (without being unfair to him), you could easily waste another 10 years on this man who appears to have no plans to start a family or get married any time soon.

The stunt about the family wedding is appalling.. That would be a deal breaker for me as I find it highly disrespectful and insulting.

mazi

emc28 wrote: »

Hi this is a long one so apologies in advance.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years now. For the first 7 years we were together we both earned good money.We built a house together and things were still going well. He is a tradesman and for the last year work has been very on and off for him and I've had to take a 20% pay cut. We don't have much spare cash but are managing to pay all our bills without using savings.
Things are good between us except for the fact that i want to get married and have children this is the only thing we ever fight about. I always made it clear to him that i wanted to have kids young at about 25 and that it was important for me to be married before we had kids. For the first 7 years we were together the cost of getting engaged and married would have been no problem but i didnt want to push him.
Anyway his sister got married in August and an incident at the wedding really upset me. He was usher so was at the church before me, when i asked him where i was to sit he told me not in the front 3/4 rows because those were for family. I felt like i had been kicked in the guts. He then didn't even sit with me for the ceremony and when photos were being taken i wasn't asked to be in the photos.You might think i'm making a big deal out of all this but it really upset me.
Anyway we had a huge row after this, i told him i was prepared to compromise on the wedding before the babies due to our finances. This was a big compromise for me. We decided to leave it until March to see how things went with work etc and then have a serious conversation about a baby.
Come March the situation hasn't changed much and the other day i tried to talk about a baby. I know we aren't loaded but neither were our parents and they managed and i had a brilliant childhood. Brought it up to him in the car and he said nothing has changed and we still can't afford it, oh the news is on, and proceeded to turn up the radio :mad:. I was fuming. I calmed myself down and tried to speak to him about it later, said i wanted to have a proper conversation. He went ballistic and said it was totally unfair that i approached him that i knew his work was the same as last august and i was putting him in a horrible situation by making him be the one who has to say no!! Made out i was a total b***h for even bringing it up.
At this point i don't know what to do, it seems like excuses. I asked him if i shouldn't be bringing it up am i supposed to just sit waiting until he decides its a good time for us to have a baby and tell me.
Its getting me really down at this point, its like he thinks because we have a house together thats all the commitment he needs to show me. Oh he is 33 and i am 28.
Would really appreciate any advice as i don't really have any close friends it can talk to about this

Emc28,

I think you should be dishing out the ultimatum by now, do you really want to wait around until he makes a decision and it might be too late for you?You have every right to be annoyed that he told you to sit away as your not family, I don't blame you.Don't waste your time and life on this person if they don't want the same things in life as you.BTW- not having a go or anything but you say you don't have any close friends to talk to about this? It is so important that when you are in a relationship that you don't push away your friends and devote yourself to your partner because when the relationship ends you look around and it can be very lonely.......It's a very hard lesson that's often learned the hard way