Advice needed on 4 yr relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi all going un reg for this one .

Right- Story is I'm going out with this guy 4 years this summer, he has 2 girls from
a past relationship, 11,12 years old.I get on very well with the two of them, no problems
on that one.

Problem is like today for example its his eldest girls confirmation, All his family are there
just I wasn't invited, No I didn't do anything to not get invited, but I haven't met his Ex yet
and don't see that happening at any stage in the future! Not for lack of asking on my part

He spelt it out to me last year that he doesn't want any-more children and I don't mind as I
am not too pushed either way, We do go to his parents with the kids and all goes great.

We don't spend quality time together as such, we work shifts so every sat,sun he spends with his kids at their house,
He also collects them at their house every morning and gets them ready for school and drops them off etc
Holidays are a no-no, weekends away -we had one 2 years ago
Once or twice a month they come to us for the weekend .
His point being that he/"we" can travel, do what we want when they have finished school,
college etc.

He doesn't drink so we don't go out, living fairly isolated tbh.
He buys all Santa presents, school books, fees, clothes etc so hes fairly broke by the
middle of every month, we don't do a weekly shop as like I said hes gone most weekend days, so a waste of time.
Most weeks i get the essentials and i find it hard myself to count my pennies.

So here I am sitting here,while everyone else is at Confirmation, dreading going to work as we work together and people will be asking why Im not there ..
I feel Im wasting my life and don't think he realises how much this is upsetting me.

Any advice, guys ??

seamus

Talk to him about it. I'm assuming that he otherwise brings you along to family occasions except when his childrens' mother is there?

You need to ask him why you can't meet his ex. Is he afraid that it'll start a row? Perhaps he's afraid that she'll just be a complete thundering bitch. Or perhaps she doesn't even know that he's going out with someone.

It could even be something like he has informally agreed with the ex that she doesn't want her children to see any girlfriend of his and he's going along with it to keep the peace. The fact that all of the interaction with the children occurs in the mother's house suggest to me that this is the "agreement", but in reality there could be hundreds of reasons why he doesn't want you and his ex to meet.

But whatever the reasons are, you're now in a committed long-term relationship, he can't keep you away from his ex forever. If he plans to be with you for the rest of his life, then you are going to be part of his childrens' lives for the rest of your life and either he or his ex will just have to suck it up and live with that.

Remember though to a certain extent you need to be mindful of his needs. It would appear judging by his lack of money and the interaction with the children, that his ex is holding all of the cards. If the boat is rocked too much, she may cut off his access - maybe she's threatened this already - and he wants to avoid that. And access to his children will always be more important to him than your relationship.

solerina

4 years is a very long time to be in a relationship and still be left on the outside of his life. I would have a chat with him and tell him that you need to play a bigger part in his life. If his children have accepted you then there is no reason why their mother shouldnt have to also. You cant go on like this indefinately, its about time he made more of an effort for you, it seems that your life together is all about him and his needs with very little consideration for you. You should be at the confirmation etc and he should make the effort to have you there in my opinion.

Elle Collins

You are having a relationship with a man who refuses to recognise you publicly and treat you with respect. That should tell you all you need to know. If you stay in this you will be playing second-fiddle for the rest of your life as this is clearly a man who has no clue how to balance the different aspects of his life. If that's good enough for you then I think you might want to start asking the deeper question of why this is the best you expect for yourself.

curlzy

Wow, just seriously wow. So he doesn't have money to spend on you as a couple (not even for food), doesn't want children with you, doesn't socialise with you, won't recognise you publicly, won't travel even for a weekend . . . em I'm confused, why are you in this relationship??? Can it even be called a relationship? Like seriously! Wake up for god's sake, you deserve WAY better than that, even a nazi deserves better than that, well maybe not a nazi but still, you're defo selling yourself way way way way way short here. I know it's scary to break up but to be honest will it be any different to what you're experiencing now? Just get rid of him for god's sakes and enjoy being single and putting yourself first, it doesn't sound like your first on anyone's list, even your own list! Why do you not think you deserve better than this crap? You could do with a spot of councelling to see why you value yourself so little. Please have a good think about this, yes it's easier to just go along with it and bury your head in the sand but you've already wasted 4 years on this guy!

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for responses .

We do go out in public that part of the relationship is ok, would like to do things a bit more
often tho, its just when it comes to his ex that the problem is.

I get on fine with his parents, sisters etc and with his girls, its when I asked to meet her it was not yet, and he would set it up- nothing !! That was 1 year ago.

We had to change our hours in work just at the end of last summer and I offered to collect the kids from school (he collects from school) as i started later and to drop them to their
house, but she said no bloody way was "she" collecting them.

So got no phone calls today, get home from work and hes all trying to be nice..

Im going to talk to him on Thursday night Im off for a few days,
Im no good with words so
any way I can start this without getting angry or upset ??

Thanks

curlzy

OK OP,

Here's what I would say (NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY) well I think it's what you should say but I don't know you so I can't say that with any certainty so have a good think before you act.

"Boyfriend, can I talk to you about our relationship as it stands? Good, look I'm not sure what way you view our relationship so I'll sum up my thoughts on it: I pay for all our bills as a couple because your money goes on your kids. You won't travel, our last weekend away was 2 years ago, you want me to wait until your girls are finished college to go on a holiday. We don't spend any quality time as a couple, you're too busy with the girls. You allow me to be close to them and I get on great with them but you won't allow me to meet the ex and allow her to refer to me as "she". I'm left out of your family gatherings such as the recent confirmation. You've stated that you won't have a family, I don't know if I want kids yet but the option would be nice. You don't drink and we don't socialise, I feel isolated. As you can see our whole lives revolve around what you think is best for you and your kids. I come a distant 4th on your list of priorities. So for these reasons I think we should go our separate ways, you seem to have no idea on how to have a healthy balance in your life and I'm suffering for it but you seem to think its ok to ask me to be in a relationship which I get absolutely nothing from. So yeah I love you and I wish you well but I'm done with this. I'm going to start putting myself first, I'm going to get a life I'm happy with and I'm going to search for a guy who'll be my number 1 and will treat me as his number 1."

That's how the conversation would go if it was me in your shoes. In fact I had a fairly similar scenario, I went out with a guy for 5 years who had a daughter and our lives sounded a lot like yours does. I eventually realised that there's nothing noble or honourable about sacrificing EVERYTHING for someone else. There's no gold star at the end of this life for putting up with never being a priority, for never putting your own happiness first. We only get one life OP and it honestly seems to me that you're wasting yours by being a martyr.

I really hope you wake up soon and realise that what he's offering you in exchange for what you give is in NO WAY FAIR!!! You deserve better and it's out there waiting for you to find it. I've met the love of my life since I got out of that nightmare, a man who loves the ground I walk on and shows me that every day and we're going on a 2 month holiday to San Fran and Hawaii in 14 days time, I thank all my gods that I eventually listened to my inner voice that was telling me "I'm not happy and this isn't good enough".

Best of luck OP whatever you decide.

Elle Collins

un reg wrote: »

I get on fine with his parents, sisters etc and with his girls, its when I asked to meet her it was not yet, and he would set it up- nothing !! That was 1 year ago.

We had to change our hours in work just at the end of last summer and I offered to collect the kids from school (he collects from school) as i started later and to drop them to their
house, but she said no bloody way was "she" collecting them.

These words above stood out to me. Why did you ask to meet his ex? Why is that necessary?

Also, I have to say it is every mothers business who picks up her own kids. You seem to be transferring your relationship issues from your partner to his ex. She is not the person you're in a relationship with and she is not the person you ought to be looking to for inclusion in your partners family - he is.

seamus

un reg wrote: »

house, but she said no bloody way was "she" collecting them.

Well this is the core issue here. Everything else is irrelevant, symptoms of this core problem.

The children's mother has clearly decided that she doesn't want her children to be around you. Jealousy, bitterness, whatever it is from her side.

Your boyfriend has effectively agreed to these terms. But it can't continue. If you're going to be a part of your boyfriend's life then you are going to be a part of his childrens' lives, whether their mother likes it or not.

But the same is true in reverse. If you cannot be a part of his childrens' lives, then you cannot be a part of his life. And this is what you need to tell him. He needs to grow a backbone and build a situation where you are part of his life and his ex doesn't get to dictate who does and does not have contact with his children.

But be prepared for the answer that you don't like. As I mention above, his children will always be more important to him than you are. That doesn't mean you should always be prioritised second, but if the choice is losing you or losing his children, he will lose you.

Elle Collins

seamus wrote: »

He needs to grow a backbone and build a situation where you are part of his life and his ex doesn't get to dictate who does and does not have contact with his children.

Sorry but, again, this situation is being seen to revolve around the ex. It's not about her and shouldn't be framed to be.

Firstly, the ex clearly hasn't dictated that the OP have no contact with her kids otherwise the OP wouldn't have been able to build the good relationship she says she's got with them. As a mother myself, I wouldn't blame any mother for not wanting her kids fathers partner picking them up from school and dropping them off at her home. I wouldn't be disposed to that and I wouldn't be inclined to have my new partner dropping the kids off at their dads home either. The childrearing is supposed to be between the parents. A good relationship with the kids is great, but butting your nose into the childrearing is another thing.

That said OP, I do believe this man is treating you with disrespect, I just think you are focusing your energies on the wrong issues and holding the wrong person accountable for them.

LegacyUser

Hey

Curlzy thanks for that

@ Elle I thought it necessary after 2 years of going out with my partner that it
was the best option to try meet her as She wouldnt allow the kids to meet me or come
over to our house, no other reason.

As for picking up the kids its an arrangement they have that he brings them to school, and collects them, when our hours changed, it would have cost €40+ per week for extra
school fees so I "offered" to help out that was all, he was agreeable to it!

As for her not wanting them around me they come to our house 1/2 times a month for
the weekend.
I don't need her to be included in my partners family as I already am, Its the situation with
Ie social gatherings etc. involving kids, parties,birthdays etc. that I am talking about.

I don't "butt" in their upbringing as they are not my children, that is not the issue here.

I'm not as naive as to think we (ex) would ever be great pals or anything, I just want a
bit of respect both from my partner and from her.

@ Seamus Thanks
I do know he will always put them first, but it just took so long to finally meet them,
I feel that this is the way its going to stay if I don't say anything to him.
He lives for his girls and would do anything for them.
I knew from the beginning what was ahead, ex, kids etc, just didnt think it would
be anything like this.

Thanks again guys.

Kimia

Elle Collins wrote: »

Sorry but, again, this situation is being seen to revolve around the ex. It's not about her and shouldn't be framed to be.

Firstly, the ex clearly hasn't dictated that the OP have no contact with her kids otherwise the OP wouldn't have been able to build the good relationship she says she's got with them. As a mother myself, I wouldn't blame any mother for not wanting her kids fathers partner picking them up from school and dropping them off at her home. I wouldn't be disposed to that and I wouldn't be inclined to have my new partner dropping the kids off at their dads home either. The childrearing is supposed to be between the parents. A good relationship with the kids is great, but butting your nose into the childrearing is another thing.

That said OP, I do believe this man is treating you with disrespect, I just think you are focusing your energies on the wrong issues and holding the wrong person accountable for them.

I agree with most things you post Ellie but I had to reply to this to say that I totally disagree with this. I grew up with my parents separated and I think that the attitude of 'I wouldn't blame any mother for not wanting her kids father's partner picking them up from schoool' is really sad, for everyone involved. So the mother or father isn't allowed move on and have a relationship, the child isn't allowed bond with the step parent, because the 'childrearing is supposed to be between the parents'? Maybe that's how things worked years ago but times change, and you have to adapt to the fact that families are not just mother father children - there could be mother's husband, father's wife, etc - even mother's lesbian lover etc. And they are all to be shut out?

I think that's really sad and narrow minded. I understand wanting to protect your kids but it's petty and damaging to the child tbh. The wife needs to get over it, she's not with the father anymore and he's entitled to his own life - and by extension his new life will have to merge with the old. If he continues to try and separate everything (I can only imagine the stress of it) he will damage his relationship with his children, his girlfriend and his ex wife. Tbh, he needs to grow a pair.