Issue with (Best) Friend

LegacyUser

Just some background to this whole mess. My best friend wanted me to stay at her house overnight on Sunday (yesterday) as her parents were going to be away and it was have a friend over or have her granny over. I really didn't want to stay over as it was a school night and I'm in 6th year so I'm really feeling the pressure. Just about every reason I gave against staying, she came up with a counter arguement and then decided I only didn't want to stay because I was being petty. I don't think I am because I'm not mad on sleeping in other people's houses anyway but especially not on a school night. She asked me about a week and a half in advance and I initially gave a not very promising maybe. But I said no from a couple of days after that. She rang me on Sunday morning where we had a stony conversation that was half silent and half her shooting me down and telling me I was being ridiculous.
Today in school she's just blanked me. Didn't even look in my direction and from what I can tell, she is furious. I'm not sure what to do about it. She's fine as she has tons of friends. I find it hard to make friends and she's one of my only friends in this school. I really need advice on how to act towards her.
I'm angry at her for acting like this towards me. I'm not sure if I should be or if I really am, as she says, acting like a child over the whole thing. I was tempted to write her a note today and slip it to her in class. But is that just looking for trouble? Or an I just rolling belly up towards her since she's the one who started it? I don't want to be a pushover but I don't want to lost a good friend either.

The Lovely Muffin

Whats reasons did you give her for not wanting to stay over?

tinkerbell

OP, your friend sounds really immature and a spoiled brat who is used to getting her own way. Don't bother with a note, rise above it and confront her about it face to face. If you do it through notes, she can just say crap about you through notes that she wouldn't dare say to your face.

Just say to her "look, what's your problem? I told you I couldn't stay over, I didn't feel like it, it's on a school night and I shouldn't feel pressured to stay over just because you expect me to". Tell her that you think it's silly to fall out over something like this and she should respect your decision that you said you didn't want to stay over at her place.

I had a friend like yours in school actually. Unfortunately, we didn't remain friends over all the fuss she made about practically the same incident as yours. We were in Junior Cert year and she was one of my best friends. We had tons of sleepovers in first & second year, and then third year, I wanted to do some study at the weekends and didn't want to socialise as much as I wanted to do well in my exams. Like I said once every three weeks or once a month, because we'd spend the whole weekend at each other's house. That did not suit her at all, and she got so pissed off over it that I was "choosing school work over her". It wasn't the case at all - I just wanted to knuckle down to study some weekends, rather than spend every single weekend at her house. Our friendship completely fizzled out - she didn't want to know me anymore because I was no longer "cool enough" for her.

Oh well, ya win some, ya lose some. It bothered me at the time because I was quite hurt over it. Now, it doesn't bother me. If I hadn't knuckled down to study, I would never have got to where I am today in my career. I'm telling you all this because it is so similar to your story - you don't want to be out on a school night because presumably you want to be able to concentrate in school the next day. Put your education first. Yes, you need friends too but for most people I knew in college, the friends they had in college were their friends for life, and not their secondary school friends. And for me anyway, all my friends now are college friends.

Edit: Actually, you have even more a reason not be going on sleepovers on school nights - you're in Leaving Cert year! Put yourself first. Only you can get the results you need in the Leaving Cert. If she can't understand that the LC is one of the most important exams of your life, then she's not on the same wave length as you at all and perhaps you'd be better off without her anyway.

Denerick

Tell your friend to grow the fúck up. She'll get a sore landing when she enters the real world.

LegacyUser

Wouldn't worry about it OP, she sounds like she's not much of a friend, if she's being so childish and petty.

I really didn't want to stay over as it was a school night and I'm in 6th year so I'm really feeling the pressure

This is a perfectly valid reason. If she can't get her head around/understand this reason well then she has bigger problems tbh...

She's fine as she has tons of friends. I find it hard to make friends and she's one of my only friends in this school. I really need advice on how to act towards her.

OP i can completely relate to this, when i was younger i hung around with people that when i actually thought about it i didn't really like, just because it was school, and they were the only "friends" i had. So she's miss popular, believe me when she leaves the security of the popularity contest that is school, she'll realise that the real world is a very different place, and she'll quickly learn that her childish immature behaviour won't get her far in the real world.

How to act towards her? You've done nothing wrong OP, leave her be, your better off without her!

I don't want to sound patronising OP, but in a few years time you'll realise that 90% of the time school friends aren't "real" friends, they're just people you happen to get thrown in with randomly who you rarely have much in common with. You're in 6th year OP, after your LC you probably won't ever see most of them again! I'm 27 NONE of my friends now are friends from secondary school. I couldn't ever even imagine being friends with anyone i went to school with, when/if you go to college/work you'll meet loads of people who you have common interests with and who you can relate to and you'll find it easier to make friends with, then you'll understand what real friendship is!

All the best OP

Des Carter

honestly, I wouldnt take any of the above advise. If you tell her to cop on or grow up she will obviously take offence and it would make the problem even bigger. As for her being unreasonable and spoilt this may be true but it may just be a once off, she could be just as stressed about the leaving cert and has channeled her anger towadrds you in this situation. If this is how she usually behaves then youy have a problem but if its this one incident Id say let it slide. Just act normal say hi and whatever and let her get over it. She will probably have forgotten about it by this time next week.

Little Acorn

Ok so she is acting a bit like a spoilt brat, but as others have already asked, does she normally act like this or is it a once off?, and what exact reasons did you give her?
Just from reading your OP, [not knowing if she usually behaves like this], then it sounds like she is feeling really hurt, and taken personal offense over it.
Now I don't think she should take such great offense to it, but I've heard of people getting annoyed over less.

Maybe she doesn't get along well with her granny, or maybe her granny is very elderly or poorly and she didn't want her granny to have the hassle of coming to stay over with her, when she had the option of asking a friend?

Maybe off topic, but unless her parent's are very protective, then I'm thinking she might have been afraid to stay on her own overnight, because why else would a leaving cert student have to have somebody stay over for just one night alone? They obviously trusted that she wouldn't throw a house party as they gave her the option of having a friend. So I'm guessing she was afraid, and would have just preferred and felt more comfortable with a friend her own age to stay there with her.

don'tworryOP
So she's miss popular, believe me when she leaves the security of the popularity contest that is school, she'll realise that the real world is a very different place, and she'll quickly learn that her childish immature behaviour won't get her far in the real world.

Don't know if I'm taking you up wrong, but that sounds to me like that you think just because she's "Miss Popular" /[has other friends apart from the OP], that she is something like one of the girls from Mean Girls.
There is no mention of her asking any of these other 'tons of friends' to stay.
The OP was the one she wanted to stay over, presumably as the OP said, because they are best friends. OP, also never mentioned anything about her usually behaving like this, so she could be normally a good friend who is over reacting on this occasion.

Was one of her counter arguments that you could easily have studied at her house OP? Does she regularly ask you to stay school nights, or was this the only time? If it is a one off thing, then she could be feeling,
"I don't want to have my granny come to stay, and I don't want to stay alone for the night either, so I ask my best friend a favor to stay for just one night, and she completely refuses, even though she could have studied at my house, I can't believe somebody who is supposed to my best friend, just was too selfish to do this one little favor for me, it's only one school night of the whole year"

Now of course you are feeling, "I can't believe my best friend is being so spoilt and selfish, and refuses to just accept my wishes about not wanting to stay at her house"

You both think that you are right, and that the other is in the wrong, so this is never going to solve itself unless one of you makes the first move to speak about it. As she is sulking at the minute, it is likely up to you to decide whether or not to be 'the bigger person'/more mature.

If you feel it is a friendship worth saving, and not worth falling out over something like this, then go for it if you wish.
Do not however apologise for the choice you made. You can explain that you did not mean it as anything personal against her, that you acknowledge her feelings too, and regret that she is upset over it, but however you still feel that your reasons for it were valid, and that you don't want to end the friendship over this. Hopefully you can both just come to a mutual understanding about the incident, and just agree to respect each other's opinions and feelings.

If however, it is normal for her to blank you when she doesn't get her way, or whenever you have a disagreement, or if you feel that it is always you who has to initiate apologies, or if she regularly bosses you about, or excludes you from the rest of the group, then maybe think twice about approaching her, and consider if she is really a friend at all.

I'm hoping that it was a one off argument, and that you both get back to being good friends OP.
However it pans out though, I would suggest you widen your social circle.
It's all well and good having one 'best friend' that you are really close to, but it's not very healthy imo to have just one friend, because if things go pear shaped you are left feeling very alone, which is never a good thing for anybody to go through.
I'm curious as to how she has tons of friends, but for whatever reason you feel that you only have her. As you are best friends, do you not all hang around with the rest of these friends in school too? Perhaps they see you as a friend too.

Blatter

To be honest OP, you will get people like that but it is rare for someone to be as extreme as your friend.

Usually the people who try to force you to do something you don't want to do either give up after a while or forget about it the next day.

I never understood people who try to get you to do things against your will because what fun will somebody be who dosen't want to be there?

It sounds like the sort of thing that will fizzle out after a few days and will all be forgotten and things will go back to normal. If it dosen't and she is still ignoring you, then she won't have many friends left if she has a habit of holding grudges like that. Especially seeing as there was no grounds for a grudge in the first place.

Firetrap

It's a silly incident which has blown out of all proportion. If your friend has any cop on at all, she will realise this once she calms down. I guess to some people of that age, having to have their granny stay over to mind them might bother them. It possibly bothered your friend a lot and she had pinned all hopes of avoiding this on having you stay over instead. Just as much as you didn't say yes at the time, you also didn't say no.

You've done nothing wrong. That is why I don't think you should clamber over hot coals to make up with your friend. Try saying hello to her pleasantly next time you see her and see what happens. If she has any sense at all, she will see it as an opportunity to get things back on an even keel. Hopefully she regrets what she did and will be only too delighted to be back on speaking terms with you. If not, I'm afraid she's not much of a friend really.

up for anything

Do not put pen to paper or keyboard to computer on this issue. If you feel the need to sort it out with her do so by talking face to face. Better that she twists or misconstrues something that you have verbalised rather than her showing a piece of paper/private message or whatever around to her other friends and misrepresenting it.

LegacyUser

It's the OP here.

Thanks everyone. I confronted her today and we duked it out for a while and things seem to have settled down