Father in law problem.

LegacyUser

I'm getting married in a few months and my father in law is a pain. The first time I met him he told me how to pronounce my name (its an annoying Irish name) and TBH I find him very controlling and patronising towards his offspring and me, even his wife come to that. I go for dinner in the inlaws about once a month to keep my partner happy-he knows how I feel about his dad but thinks there's nothing wrong.

However, the most irritating thing is that he is constantly taking photos and videos of us at dinner, having tea etc etc. When I say constantly, I mean it. Yesterday I was really annoyed, we had dinner and he took photos during most of the meal, then we had to go out to the garden for him to "catch the good light" for MORE pictures. Its the sam story every time we go.

These pictures then go up on his facebook account which is not private so anyone can see them and he also emails them to his entire family. I'm not happy with this at all. In fact, I'm partly dreading the wedding because I saw him in action at his niece's wedding and he was in everyone's face all day long with his camera and camcorder.

If he was more approachable I'd say something jokey about it like "Ah come on, we're not celebrities, let's eat our dinner" or that I was opting out of this but he's very thick skinned and "rules the roost" in his house.

Can anyone give me any advice? Thanks.

fed up of it

fed up of it wrote: »

I'm getting married in a few months and my father in law is a pain. The first time I met him he told me how to pronounce my name (its an annoying Irish name) and TBH I find him very controlling and patronising towards his offspring and me, even his wife come to that. I go for dinner in the inlaws about once a month to keep my partner happy-he knows how I feel about his dad but thinks there's nothing wrong.

However, the most irritating thing is that he is constantly taking photos and videos of us at dinner, having tea etc etc. When I say constantly, I mean it. Yesterday I was really annoyed, we had dinner and he took photos during most of the meal, then we had to go out to the garden for him to "catch the good light" for MORE pictures. Its the sam story every time we go.

These pictures then go up on his facebook account which is not private so anyone can see them and he also emails them to his entire family. I'm not happy with this at all. In fact, I'm partly dreading the wedding because I saw him in action at his niece's wedding and he was in everyone's face all day long with his camera and camcorder.

If he was more approachable I'd say something jokey about it like "Ah come on, we're not celebrities, let's eat our dinner" or that I was opting out of this but he's very thick skinned and "rules the roost" in his house.

Can anyone give me any advice? Thanks.

I think you should find a nice way of telling him to back off.

If he doesn't, you'll have no choice but to find a mean way of telling him to back off.

I would advise consulting with your partner before proceeding with the second stage. What does he think of all this, by the way?

Either way, you need to do this. You're an adult, and you do not want someone else trying to run your life, plaster your image all over the internet, or make your wedding a stressful occasion. If you don't do it now you'll only end up doing something much worse later. Oh, and remind him how to pronounce your name your way.

Just my two cents' worth.

Walls

Have him round your place, where your rules apply. Firstly, it would be a nice thing to do, so he and his family are made welcome by you. Secondly, it would allow you an arena to say 'That is enough photos', or rather say 'No photos, please.'

ongarboy

I agree with above poster. It's possible also that the son sees this as normal or harmless as he has grown up this way with the dad always carrying on like this and therefore knows no different. Who's to say the father won't upload your wedding video footage on Youtube if he already uploads photos on FB as public?

OP, explain in an non confrontational way to your OH that you are uncomfortable with the father taking constant photos during such mundane activities as eating etc and ask him to have a quiet word with the dad about it. Suggest that it removes the special occasion and uniqueness element from photos when they are been taken in mass frequency capturing un-interesting trivial events such as biting into hamburgers etc and that over-doing it can affect the spontanaeity and conversations of such get togethers if you are constantly having to "pose" in the middle of banter. I think you will need your OH to empathise with you before you or he can bring it up with the f-in-law or otherwise you will be at loggerheads with both.

The F-in law sounds like a bit of a pain although it seems he is allowed to get away with his actions because those around him facilitate it. It's a tricky one as I understand the last thing you want is tension or battles in the run up to your wedding. Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

I agree. Only invite them around to your house. That way you are prefectly within your rights to say that you object to photos of your house and your "personal space" being viewed publicly on Facebook.

Are you on good terms with your partners mother? Could you talk to her about it?

Peanut2011

OP, what ever you do it won't go down well if he is the way you have explained. IMO the best thing is to speak to your OH and explain how you feel. Don't leave any uncertainties about it.

Your OH has to speak to his father and put his straight but do it cos he wants to, not cos you tell him to. If it is done cos you told him to do it won't work and they will come back to you.

Your OH needs to realise what the problem is.

I wish you the best of luck considering if this is not sorted now it will be around for a very long time. What would be next? When you two decide to have the children and the baby is born. Is he going to be around constantly taking the pictures of the baby???

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.

He's been over to our house many times. He never brings his camera/camcorder to our place. My partner knows how I feel about this and has told his dad that he is not a fan of the photos and videos going up on facebook/being sent to all the cousins etc, but his dad can't understand why anyone would not want all the family stuff documented.

There is one grandchild and he is constantly taking pictures of them, anytime the child is left in their care we get emails with dozens of pictures of her. This makes me very uncomfortable, especially as another poster mentioned, we want to have a family some day.

I do not want all our wedding pictures and video up on facebook for all to see. I mentioned once when they were in our place that as we'd hired a professional photographer and videographer for the day, we would not need EITHER set of parents to worry about taking photos, but he either chose to ignore or didn't get the hint.

Short of a confrontation, I'm not sure that other avenues are open to dealing with this. He's a very difficult man and I do feel his family make all sorts allowances for what anyone else would consider intrusive behaviour. The next time he starts taking pictures I feel like excusing myself from the room.

deisemum

I know how you feel. My father in law is a control freak and tried the same thing with me. My husband and the rest of the family were afraid to rock the boat with him and even though my husband could see what his father was like he was incapable of dealing with him like I expected.

Long story short I cut my outlaws out of my live 10 years ago, we attended relationship counselling and the counsellor got me to realise that some adult children are incapable of standing up to a parent especially a domineering father because of what they experienced growing up such as physical and psychological abuse.

She also got my husband to realise that I married him and not his family and that he should not expect me to have anything to do with his family if I chose not to especially the way I was being mistreated.

We'll be 21 years married next month, had a 6 month separation 10 years ago. My only regret is that I didn't cut my inlaws out of my life when the abusive behaviour started. I have nothing to do with them apart from maybe a quick chat with on sister in law a couple of times a year. My husband and children visit them but I don't and live is a lot more peaceful.

I'd go ballistic if someone was taking photos of me and putting them up on the internet the way your father in law is. This needs to be stopped now because I dread to think what he'll be like if you have children.

LegacyUser

Thanks for sharing your story. I like my mother in law a lot, as well as my partner's siblings, and it would be extremely difficult for me to cut my father in law out without offending them. I do not know how my sister in law and her husband put up with the constant picture taking of their daughter and I worry that as they are happy with him clicking and filming at all family occasions I'll be seen as the "akward one" if I ask him to refrain from his behaviour at our wedding or if we have children.

I limit my visits as it is to once a month and my partner is fully aware of how I feel about his father. However, he is an extremely difficult man to deal with. He had a hissy fit during the last visit because my mother in law started moving things from the table as he was taking pictures and it interupted his plans, as he put it.

My mother had similar issues with her mother in law (a different set of problems though) and never visited her, although me and my siblings visited with our father. It caused hassle until my grandmother died, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by cutting people out.

tinkerbell

OP, you really need to voice your opinion here. It is a complete invasion of your privacy and personal space if he is constantly in your face taking photos of you and then putting them up on facebook and sending them around for everyone to see. That is just really weird and unsettling, if you ask me. I also don't think it is appropriate for him to be putting up pics of the children in the family on his facebook page if it is not set to private, I mean anyone could see them. I'm sure it would really upset you if you have children one day, and they are posted up all over facebook for the entire world to see.

The next time you are at his house and he takes out the camera, tell him to put the camera away. If he persists, well tell him you are going home. I would not tolerate anyone in my face the whole time taking my photo. First of all, I hate my photo being taken and second of all, I think it is really rude having a camera out nonstop. You need to speak to your partner too and tell him to speak to your dad. You should be your partner's number one priority, so he should be standing up for you and sorting this out.

Good luck OP.

dixiefly

Could you not do what my mum does and some others in our family do.....look away and / or cover your face whenever he takes these photos.

It will ruin his photo and give him the hint without having to actually say anything.

If he queries your actions, say that you are embarassed as to how you look, look tired , no makeup etc etc.

Also, you are not dictating whether or not others are included in the photos. For all you know the others may not mind. You should just ensure that YOUR photo is not taken.

R.D. aka MR.D

what about striking up a conversation over dinner about an article you read about the dangers of Facebook and paedophiles looking through public profiles for material.

And how terrible it is that people dont have any privacy anymore.

Then do as others say and cover your face or excuse yourself when picture time happens.

And if ye are going outside just say something like 'oh no not today, I'm not feeling up to having my picture taken'

you have to put up with a lot of annoying/different behaviour when it comes to your in-laws but the best thing is to politely stand your ground.