why does life suck

LegacyUser

I hope you don't mind a little rambling...

I'm a bloke pushing 30. I look and sound like most people but I'm not. I haven't lived life. I'm such a ******* loser, I literally don't know how I keep getting out of bed in the morning.

Growing up, I lived in a house where my dad was the alpha male. My older sister, was the apple of his eye and nothing I did was good enough. He made fun of me. Used to insult me for being overweight or the way I looked or something I'd say or the music I like or whatever. He would humiliate me. My mother had to hide the fact that I was a bed-wetter from him out of fear of his reaction. She was totally passive. He was un-necessarily aggressive and violent at times. He was totally narcissistic and had no empathy for me (or anyone else for that matter). Everything was about him and what he wanted. He was disappointed in me and he didn't see why he shouldn't let me know.

We generally weren't well off at all but we always had money for my sister for clothes, school tours or whatever her latest hobby was. When it came to me, they either didn't have the money or 'you're sister gets those things because she works hard in school and you don't'. The reason I wasn't good at school was because I was bullied there too. Our school was just full of thugs. I was always a sensitive child and I was being jeered and mocked from all angles including home. I contemplated suicide at a very early age. At the age of 10/ 11/ 12 when I would be getting lectured by my dad as we drove, I used to wonder if I jumped out of the car, would it be enough to finish me off. I used to wonder how high I would have to jump from to kill myself. I just hadn't a friend in the world or anywhere to turn to. Utter hopelessness.

There was some respite when I got into secondary. There were fewer thugs and life was easier. I got on. I made some friends, got into things and things improved. My school work didn't improve much. I was bright enough but had no self esteem and was too far behind having got into bad habits earlier in life where school wasn't about school work, it was about social endurance.

I'm not fixated on my parents. I actually work in the family business now although my dad continues to make life un-necessarily hard. He under-pays me (I do some pretty grueling and tricky admin/ management s*** and I'm in sales too and doing well at it and I recenly learned that our receptionist earns more than I do). I don't get a fraction of the credit I deserve (this in itself isn't a problem, I'm fairly self sufficient, luckily) and I actually get blamed for things that had nothing to do with me. I'm bigger than this. I don't let it get to me. The economy will turn and I'll leave. That's definitely on the cards. I've become a better man than my father. He's the only man alive that wants to see his son do no better than he did but I'll endure these circumstances for now.


Before my current situation, I finished school and I was thinking about PLCs and I was thinking about apprenticeships but nothing really took root. I drifted and ended up finding different jobs and no more happened about eduction or training. I throw myself into my work anyway. I am a perfectionist. I want everything to be as good as it can be. If I were a street sweep, I would want to be the best street sweep I can be. I've always thought that inspiration for a career would present itself to me but it hasn't. Life looked up after school but things went bad again soon after. My appearance deteriorated. I lost hair where I wanted it and gained it everywhere else. This knocked my confidence again. I ended up in some jobs working for more chavs and thugs. I was treated like **** again. Friends were going abroad and doing interesting course, falling in love, having one night stands. I was on a merry go round. I've never travelled beyond the UK. I've never been on a holiday because I'd have to travel alone, due to lack of friends. My phone stopped ringing. I was becoming the loner of my youth again.

My early experiences affected my confidence hugely. I've emerged from this but I'll always be sensitive and I'll always be given to the odd crisis of confidence, I'm sure. There are uglier guys than me but I was never a good looking guy. I'm not that charismatic and I'm not the life and soul. I watched my schoolmates and friends going to school discos, kissing girls, having relationships etc. They went to college. The spent summers in the US and went to Oz after they finished and they sowed their wild oats etc. Just getting on with life. I could never get a girl to like me. I was fairly shy and unconfident and I know I wasn't much to look at. They were crazy about my friends but they never had any interest in me. I knew that life was long and that there's someone for everyone. I was always quite mature so I decided that I should bide my time. Lack of love is still my biggest problem all these years later. I have improved myself. I'm fairly pleased with the person I've become, knowing where I've come from. Unfortunately for all the confidence I've found, I'm still in the same position I was when I was just out of school.

I've always just wanted to meet someone who would be nice to me and not horrible. I wanted to find someone who wasn't repulsed by me. I wanted a best friend. I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated. This has never happened. I'm less shy and more confident now. I like to think that I've come a long way. Unfortunately, I still have these social problems. I don't know what it is. I'm just not sound or good looking or whatever enough. Life still forces me to be alone. I try things. I try lots and lots of things. I throw myself into whatever I'm doing but nothing ever works. I'm the unwilling loner. I have been virtually isolated from women my whole life. Every time I meet a nice girl she's seeing someone, she's moving away, she's simply unavailable to me. It's just incredible. The world is filled with women and I can't get next or near even one. The odd girl who comes into my world, I'll ask her out and she will say no. I tried online dating. I properly threw myself into it and it was pointless. I just want to be close to someone. I'm an emotional person and I just want some love, warmth, companionship and affection to make up for the coldness I became so used to. I want nothing that most people haven't experienced at some stage. I can't understand that it's just my 'station' to be lonely.


Truth be told, I always thought that I wanted to meet a nice girl, firstly. I always thought that everything else was negotiable. People who know me would say I'm happy and friendly and outgoing. They would be shocked if they saw this post. Maybe it's just my previous experiences but I've always felt I wouldn't be complete until I found someone. My friends are getting married and having childred and buying houses and I'm pushing 30, I'm a ******* virgin. I've kissed maybe three girls in my whole life. I have no idea why I don't throw myself off a bridge. I have literally nothing to live for. My life is pointless and lonely and I can do nothing to change it that I haven't tried already. There's a song lyric that says "Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on". This sums up my feelings. Just utter hopelessness. If I knew when I finished school that at thirty I would be in exactly the same position with the same level of hopelessness, I wouldn't be here now. If I had a crystal ball and found out that at forty, I'd be no better off.... well.... who knows.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. I'm not expecting lots of replies. I don't even know what my problem is. I don't know what more I can do. I don't want to be alone yet happy. I just don't want to be lonely or alone any more. I've literally had enough of that for one lifetime. I'm definitely not suicidal or anything like it but I keep thinking that if loneliness is all that life has for me, I don't see what's so good about life.

LegacyUser

Buy these two books:

The Feeling Good Handbook & The Road Less Travelled.

Life can be tough but it's also possible to make it easier.

I know a guy who was in an accident a couple of years back - he's now in a wheelchair, has very little movement in his hands and you know what - he's up every day working.

I had a great childhood - parents were loving, gave me most things I needed - I turned out shy like you.

You are over generalising on how life is for other people - most people find life a bit tough but they have good coping mechanisms.


You say that you're a loser - well, it seems that you're not a loser at sales. It seems that you're not a loser when it comes to throwing yourself into things

Er, losing your hair is no barrier to success, marriage or anything else - just think of the number of bald successful people there are.

Thinking that you won't be complete until you find someone is the wrong way to go about things...... start loving yourself and you will find it easier to find someone.

Go talk to your GP - maybe he can give you the name of someone to go talk to about your situation.

SarahG91

OP, you sound so down on yourself. Reading this brought tears to my eyes with everything you've been through.

It seems that you now work for your bullying, narcissistic father who makes a point of under-valuing you when it comes to your wages, just as he sent you the message your whole life that you were worthless.

If I was you, I'd tell you to get out from under his influence. Find a job someplace else. Emigrate if you have to. Anything has to be better than this.

You should probably also seek counselling after all the bullying you have endured in your life.

As for girls, they are attracted not only by looks, but by men who are confident and self-possessed. The more you get away from your father and take control of your own future, the more women will see you as strong, independent, and attractive. Not all girls are taken! There are many single women out there in every age bracket.

Good luck, and I really hope things get better for you.

elbee

OP, you sound like a very nice guy and I really hope things look up for you. Personally if I met a hard-working, driven, shy, kind bloke I doubt I'd notice his hair and I'm sure lots of women would agree.

I think you should seek some counselling for your low self-esteemn. Also, a book I found helpful when dealing with self-imposed narrow horizons was 'Feel the Fear - and Do it Anyway' by Susan Jeffers.

I think meeting some people would be a great start - there are sites like meetup.com and even Boards Beers that could help you with that. I want to tell you that travelling alone is great fun, but I feel if you got a plane to Oz you'd just be lonely there too, because I don't think what you want is to see the world or to sow wild oats. I get the feeling that what you really want is to connect with people. And I feel if you met people here and had friends, or maybe went on a few dates, you'd feel less onsecure about taking the odd holiday on your own, or taking a course in something.

So I think that tackling the issue of meeting new people would be a great first step for you, if you do a search on PI there are a few threads on it, are you living near a city or a large town? Do you drive?

Also, if you aren't actively applying for new jobs, I would recommend you start. Yes, the economy is rubbish and the market is competitive and you may not get anything, but on the other hand, you have a clear idea of the work you do at the moment, so I bet you could put together a really good CV and you might well get something. And even if you don't, feeling that you're working on getting away from your father's negative influence will help your state of mind.

Best of luck OP. I really hope things look up for you, you have a lot of strengths. Time to use them.

LegacyUser

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

I hope you don't mind a little rambling...

Growing up, I lived in a house where my dad was the alpha male. My older sister, was the apple of his eye and nothing I did was good enough. He made fun of me. Used to insult me for being overweight or the way I looked or something I'd say or the music I like or whatever. He would humiliate me. My mother had to hide the fact that I was a bed-wetter from him out of fear of his reaction. She was totally passive. He was un-necessarily aggressive and violent at times. He was totally narcissistic and had no empathy for me (or anyone else for that matter). Everything was about him and what he wanted. He was disappointed in me and he didn't see why he shouldn't let me know.

That can be a very tough thing to deal with. I suppose I don't have much of a relationship with my own father. I'm pushing 40 by the way. I used to feel the same way as you, put down and humiliated. But then I cast these thoughts aside. I started looking at my good points and said that if he can't see them, that's his problem. I also just accepted that as a parent, he really wasn't up to much, parenthood is not for everyone.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

We generally weren't well off at all but we always had money for my sister for clothes, school tours or whatever her latest hobby was. When it came to me, they either didn't have the money or 'you're sister gets those things because she works hard in school and you don't'. The reason I wasn't good at school was because I was bullied there too. Our school was just full of thugs. I was always a sensitive child and I was being jeered and mocked from all angles including home. I contemplated suicide at a very early age. At the age of 10/ 11/ 12 when I would be getting lectured by my dad as we drove, I used to wonder if I jumped out of the car, would it be enough to finish me off. I used to wonder how high I would have to jump from to kill myself. I just hadn't a friend in the world or anywhere to turn to. Utter hopelessness.

I feel for you here on this, having a tough family life can be made easier if you have friends to support you.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

There was some respite when I got into secondary. There were fewer thugs and life was easier. I got on. I made some friends, got into things and things improved. My school work didn't improve much. I was bright enough but had no self esteem and was too far behind having got into bad habits earlier in life where school wasn't about school work, it was about social endurance.

That's good that things improved on the job front, you should remember this and know that you have good qualities and friendships can be made. I'm reading your post and one thing jumps out, how articulate and expressive you are. Ok, academically you may not have achieved as much as you would have hoped, but I think people can become successful even though their academic past was poor.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

I'm not fixated on my parents. I actually work in the family business now although my dad continues to make life un-necessarily hard. He under-pays me (I do some pretty grueling and tricky admin/ management s*** and I'm in sales too and doing well at it and I recenly learned that our receptionist earns more than I do). I don't get a fraction of the credit I deserve (this in itself isn't a problem, I'm fairly self sufficient, luckily) and I actually get blamed for things that had nothing to do with me. I'm bigger than this. I don't let it get to me. The economy will turn and I'll leave. That's definitely on the cards. I've become a better man than my father. He's the only man alive that wants to see his son do no better than he did but I'll endure these circumstances for now.

I'm really pleased to read this. You're dead right. Things will change on the economy front and you should seek out that job where they pay your worth. Continue to be "bigger than this". Some people are just bullies and I think your approach of not letting it get to you is the best move.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

Before my current situation, I finished school and I was thinking about PLCs and I was thinking about apprenticeships but nothing really took root. I drifted and ended up finding different jobs and no more happened about eduction or training. I throw myself into my work anyway. I am a perfectionist. I want everything to be as good as it can be. If I were a street sweep, I would want to be the best street sweep I can be. I've always thought that inspiration for a career would present itself to me but it hasn't. Life looked up after school but things went bad again soon after. My appearance deteriorated. I lost hair where I wanted it and gained it everywhere else. This knocked my confidence again. I ended up in some jobs working for more chavs and thugs. I was treated like **** again. Friends were going abroad and doing interesting course, falling in love, having one night stands. I was on a merry go round. I've never travelled beyond the UK. I've never been on a holiday because I'd have to travel alone, due to lack of friends. My phone stopped ringing. I was becoming the loner of my youth again.

You've got to nail the problem with the lack of friends. Believe me as somewhat of a loner myself, you need to surround yourself with positive people, negative people like your father will only lead to esteem issues. You know this. Look as regards appearance, everyone gets older, I'm not making light of your worries, but I think sometimes we all focus a little too much on our appearance. I think if further training is something you're interested in, you should look at your obvious interest and enjoyment of sales. Perhaps start a part time degree. As I said I'm pushing 40 and thinking of going back to further studies myself, you're still young. Also look at clubs you could join, I moved to a new town 4 years ago and some of my best friends I made through a tennis club, I'm an average player but so are lots of people in the club. Everyone needs friends.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

My early experiences affected my confidence hugely. I've emerged from this but I'll always be sensitive and I'll always be given to the odd crisis of confidence, I'm sure. There are uglier guys than me but I was never a good looking guy. I'm not that charismatic and I'm not the life and soul. I watched my schoolmates and friends going to school discos, kissing girls, having relationships etc. They went to college. The spent summers in the US and went to Oz after they finished and they sowed their wild oats etc. Just getting on with life. I could never get a girl to like me. I was fairly shy and unconfident and I know I wasn't much to look at. They were crazy about my friends but they never had any interest in me. I knew that life was long and that there's someone for everyone. I was always quite mature so I decided that I should bide my time. Lack of love is still my biggest problem all these years later. I have improved myself. I'm fairly pleased with the person I've become, knowing where I've come from. Unfortunately for all the confidence I've found, I'm still in the same position I was when I was just out of school.

Look I know you think all is almost lost. Do you not think there are shy girls out there as well, longing for some company, friendship maybe companionship. It's never too late for this, once their is breath in your body. Make friends, make friends, make friends. Then a relationship may happen.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

I've always just wanted to meet someone who would be nice to me and not horrible. I wanted to find someone who wasn't repulsed by me. I wanted a best friend. I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated. This has never happened. I'm less shy and more confident now. I like to think that I've come a long way. Unfortunately, I still have these social problems. I don't know what it is. I'm just not sound or good looking or whatever enough. Life still forces me to be alone. I try things. I try lots and lots of things. I throw myself into whatever I'm doing but nothing ever works. I'm the unwilling loner. I have been virtually isolated from women my whole life. Every time I meet a nice girl she's seeing someone, she's moving away, she's simply unavailable to me. It's just incredible. The world is filled with women and I can't get next or near even one. The odd girl who comes into my world, I'll ask her out and she will say no. I tried online dating. I properly threw myself into it and it was pointless. I just want to be close to someone. I'm an emotional person and I just want some love, warmth, companionship and affection to make up for the coldness I became so used to. I want nothing that most people haven't experienced at some stage. I can't understand that it's just my 'station' to be lonely.


Truth be told, I always thought that I wanted to meet a nice girl, firstly. I always thought that everything else was negotiable. People who know me would say I'm happy and friendly and outgoing. They would be shocked if they saw this post. Maybe it's just my previous experiences but I've always felt I wouldn't be complete until I found someone. My friends are getting married and having childred and buying houses and I'm pushing 30, I'm a ******* virgin. I've kissed maybe three girls in my whole life. I have no idea why I don't throw myself off a bridge. I have literally nothing to live for. My life is pointless and lonely and I can do nothing to change it that I haven't tried already. There's a song lyric that says "Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on". This sums up my feelings. Just utter hopelessness. If I knew when I finished school that at thirty I would be in exactly the same position with the same level of hopelessness, I wouldn't be here now. If I had a crystal ball and found out that at forty, I'd be no better off.... well.... who knows.

Man, all I will say is that if you do end up having a relationship, I'm pretty sure that you're going to appreciate that person.

The unwilling loner - sounds like me a lot. I split with a girlfriend after 4 years and for years there was no one in my life. Then one night I cancelled a night out with pals and one of them called to the door and said that's it you're coming out. I met a girl that night, married her and now have a wonderful daughter. I appreciate her and tell her every day. My point is you find love when you least expect it and in many cases when you stop looking.

I'm a loser baby wrote: »

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. I'm not expecting lots of replies. I don't even know what my problem is. I don't know what more I can do. I don't want to be alone yet happy. I just don't want to be lonely or alone any more. I've literally had enough of that for one lifetime. I'm definitely not suicidal or anything like it but I keep thinking that if loneliness is all that life has for me, I don't see what's so good about life.

I hope you get some help from my reply. I think you come across as someone who has a lot to offer, but you're a person who has had a tough past. But remember, it is your past, your future is something that you can shape to a large degree yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to read. It really means a lot that you've taken the time to reply.

There's some good practical advice there. I'll try to get a hold of those books. I'll probably keep the GP and counseling options as last resorts. I'm not always so down. Hitting thirty soon is making me take stock and I don't like my findings. This is why I'm in such a low ebb. I know I must get away from my father and I have considered emmigration too.

elbee wrote: »

...I get the feeling that what you really want is to connect with people...

This is it. I could go to a lot of effort and even emmigrate and end up even lonelier than I am now. My relationships are my biggest priority and I don't want to give them up and risk even greater loneliness.

Normally, i am a happy person now. I do believe I'm made of stern stuff. I do love myself. I've just always had it in my head that it would be wonderful to meet someone special. It would be the cherry on the cake. Now, it's the root of my unhappiness. The frustration and the agony of knowing that if my life carries on anything like it has always been for me, I am likely to have spent my entire life single and lonely.

Again, thanks for reading.

common sense brigade

op reading ur post one thing is obvious...you have a talent for the written word. you should write.

murphthesmurf

You've prob heard this a thousand times but......
Do you have any hobbies or play any sports etc?
I know its obvious and you prob do all you can, but I know from experience that having a hobbie or a sport is a great release. I did weight training for several yrs, I always had low confidence. One of my mates would always get the girls, and I could never understand why, it was really frustrating, because to be honest he was a f****n nob. He didn't have the looks at all, but it was all down to his confidence, somehow he had the confidence to approach virtually any girl without any fear of rejection.
I'd done weight training for a few yrs, but began to really throw myself into it, it almost became a religion for me, and it worked. I gained muscle and looked much better. More importantly I felt a million times better. It sounds stupid, but I remember going for a sunday night drink in our usual sunday night haunt, there were a few girls in there that I liked the look of but had never spoke to and dont think they'd ever noticed me. But this night I donned a tight T-shirt for the 1st time and couldn't believe it. They looked at me, smiled at me, I still didn't talk to them as I hadn't a clue what to say, but this was the start of the new me

Now, i'm not saying you should go to the gym 8 nights a week. But my point is that from then on my confidence grew and grew. It wasn't to do with how I looked from then on, although it did get me some attention when i'd don one of my t-shirts, it was all about the confidence. From then untill today (i'm now way into my thirties) I just have so much more confidence.
I met more friends at the gym too, although I already had a few good friends.

What I'm trying to say is, its not all down to how you look, and I bet your not half as bad as you think you are. Its all about the confidence. But confidence doesn't come by magic, you have to build it. I think doing something like going to the gym would be good for you, you'll look better, feel better, and meet a few new people. I trained at a **** hole blood and guts gym, and made a decent friend there who i'd go out for a beer with, it was great. Its something to get your teeth into, a distraction, and it'll benefit you.
I'm not as good as getting my point across as you, but i'm sure you'll get the jist of it.
You have a pc too, do you use Facebook etc? meet up with people on their too. (though wouldn't rely on this too much)
I live in Ireland now with my family, dont have any friends at all yet , but i'm fine for now, I'm in a gaming group on my computer that I play a bit of COD with a few nights a week and we have a laugh and joke through the game. Nurdish, but fun.
One last thing, stop trying so hard to meet someone. I never had a need for anyone, i'm in a relationship now because I want to be, not because I need to be. I think this is important, you don't 'need' anyone, you can look after yourself and through all thats happened you've picked your chin up again and again. You'd like to meet someone, not 'need' to. This will come across in body language and the way you talk etc. I think its quite easy to pick out someone who is in need, and this can put people off.
Good luck mate.

CorkMan

24 year old fella here. I had a bad speech impedement when young and couldn't respond back to insults, which were almost day in and day out at school. This led to really low self esteem.

I have been on opposite ends of the weight scale, from 13.5 stone in 2006 to 24 stone in 2008. I went through a deep depression from 2004 until 2008, I know how life can hit ya. Regards women I've never had a girlfriend or anything.

When I was 19 I went from 18.5 stone down to, around 14.5 stone at this stage and I started to get smiles from girls, which was a first. The self esteem was very low before that. But then I had to go on medication and the weight blew up to 24 stone. I am off the medication now and am a solid 18.5 stone. My confidence has improved and that is very important. Almost every women under 35 I meet in the street notices me when I walk past upright, confidence briming. But I haven't talk to a women yet, but I can feel my beliefs changing definitely. There is a movement inside of me.

It's annoying turning on the radio and every 2nd song about falling in love or being in love. Before my self esteem was low, but not i'm telling myself "You're worth it", "You're amazing", "You're one of a kind and priceless" very regularly and this is translating into action. Use affirmations to built up your confidence, these have helped me a lot.

murphthesmurf

Just a thought, but the idea of seeing a doc might be a good one too. Not for anti depressants or a psych, but a hormone inbalance can also cause problems like this. If your testosterone levels are too low, or estrogen too high, this can make you feel very 'down'. Will also effect things like sex drive and motivation. Too much Estrogen in the body can be very damaging, even in women. Sometimes testosterone hormone receptors can become blocked by estrogen.
This kind of in balance would also cause weight gain

JajaD

Wow you sound like such a nice person. Most people seem happy and busy and not lonely but if you read other peoples boards.ie threads or could look into other peoples heads you will find that a lot of people are like you but just plod along in life. As a previous post said, you need to get away from your father, id rather be on the dole than work for him. You should go to Oz on your own. lots of people travel on their own and you will meet loads of new people. Join some hobbies or clubs which people may be similar to you in.. Where are the people now who bullied you? Are they successful and happy?

Love yourself because by the sounds of things you have loads going for yourself. Chin up... you will be ok.