Don't feel part of my group of friends anymore- what do I do?

LegacyUser

At the age of 24 I never thought I would be writing a post about friends problems as usually these things happen in younger years but here goes.
I am an outgoing, chatty girl who loves meeting new people. The trouble is that I feel more left out of my group of "friends" every day. I don't know why this has happened as I normally get on with most people I meet.
I would be very close to one girl in the group, I mean we text and ring every week and if I had a problem I'd go to her and vice versa. The trouble seems to be with everyone else. I don't feel the rest of the group, about 6 other girls even like me. It's not that we fight or anything but we would never text outside of nights out. I made an effort with them all, texting etc as I genuinely believe they are nice girls but they never reciprocated and sometimes never text back. If we are on a night out, I have noticed that they only talk to me if I talk first. They don't ask about my life, my job or anything but I listen when they are talking about theirs and ask them about it.
I know my problem seems small in light of other stuff going on in the world but it is getting me down. Especially tonight when my best friend invited three of the group to her house this evening and I wasn't invited. I sent her a text earlier on to see how her day went, she was visiting her niece. Then she told me that all of the girls were coming to her house but two of them couldn't because they were busy. I was a bit upset and put out by this as I just feel that these girls don't even like me anymore because of all this.
I helped one of my friends through a tough time jobwise a few months back and if I never texted her, I doubt I would hear from her.
I don't know what to do. I guess it's hard to take when you are not in the group properly and I am tired of nights out when nobody really makes an effort to talk to me. I don't want to tell my closest friend how I am feeling because she is friends with everyone else. But I don't think I can go on any longer feeling so left out at the same time. If I stop going on nights out etc with these girls I am probably going to loose my closest friend and the thoughts of that upset me greatly. I don't know what to do anymore so any advice would be appreciated.

Glowing

You can't force someone to be friends with you. That girl is obviously not your 'best friend' if she's not inviting you around like the others. Stop chasing them, start suiting yourself and go out and meet some new people! Concentrate on making some new friends who appreciate who you are and you'll probably find with some new found confidence, these old friends will start chasing you!

Aishae

is the situation different than before or was it always like this? i ask as, if its the former then it could just be a case of drifting apart but if its always been this way i'd guess perhaps it's a social group you just fell into once and you didnt click with everyone and visa versa. so you end up being a sort of booty call = a party call for mking the numbers on a night out. it's possible. not necessarily a concious thing on their part. but if it sounds familiar maybe try a find a new social scene that you feel fits you better?

as we age our friendships also change. what suited us at 18 for example, might not hit the mark when you're 28 and so on. some friendships gradually change and alter as people grow in similar directions and so they stay friends. others dont.

grungepants

Aishae wrote: »

as we age our friendships also change. what suited us at 18 for example, might not hit the mark when you're 28 and so on. some friendships gradually change and alter as people grow in similar directions and so they stay friends. others dont.

This statement scares me.It makes me think of the future.Scarey.Lonley.

LegacyUser

To be honest the dynamics of the group have changed over the last few years, First of all there was four of us who were great friends and then a few more girls who went to college with one of our friends joined so if everyone was there, there would be about 10 or 11 girls.
One of the group is my best friend from primary school. She is the girl that I helped through a tough time jobwise and I actually didn't text her for a month to see would she text me and she didn't. So I suppose that friendship is pretty much gone now because I am not prepared to wait around for people to make the effort for much longer.
I have completely drifted apart from two of the girls from the original group of 4. To be honest that doesn't bother me that much because I don't really like their behaviour (ignoring me until I talk, never know anything about me as they never ask etc).
I suppose whats happening is that these girls are probably unconcsiously pushing me away from the group as it is so subtle. I think I am just going to have to stop going out with them if I feel this way after.
I just don't want to loose my best friend out of this and I fear this will happen as if I explain my situation to her she will probably tell me to grow up.
I don't know what to do.

Firetrap

You'l need to make new friends - this lot are merely tolerating your presence and have zero interest in you as a person. As a rule of thumb, it is never a good sign when you're the one who's doing all the chasing, whether it's a bunch of friends or a man you like. It's also time to listen to your gut instinct. You said yourself that if you didn't text the girl who you helped, that you'd never hear from her again. Next time someone you know runs into bother, take a step back and ask yourself will they appreciate you helping them or are they just using you.

As for your "best friend", I'm going to be charitable and look at what happened from her point of view. Perhaps she is genuinely your friend and she likes you a lot. You might not be her best friend though. Not everyone has what they'd describe as a best friend but still have a number of good friends. She is friends with these other girls and obviously wants to see them. She also knows that they'd prefer you weren't around so that's why you weren't invited.

If she is genuinely a friend, she'll be happy to hang out with you separately to this group. Not everyone's friends will get on well together and this is the case here. If you feel you're doing the chasing to keep your friend on board, she is not your friend.

As has been mentioned, friendships do come and go. It will be good for you to go make new friends - ones who actually want to be around you. Continuing to try and fit in with this bunch is doing you no good.

Aishae

grungepants wrote: »

This statement scares me.It makes me think of the future.Scarey.Lonley.

lots of us manage to keep friends for life in a way - you know the ones you dont see much anymore but when you meet up it feels like you just pick up where you left off?
and for the ones we DO drift away from - well, we tend to find new friends in the course of work or via other friends and other social scenes, neighbours and so on.

sashafierce

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Firetrap

OP, I missed your second post when I was writing my reply One thing I'm wondering about is if you have made any friends outside of this group? Generally by the time people are your age, they've started accumulating friends from different sources e.g. work, friends of friends, activities they're involved in etc.

If your "best friend" is any sort of true friend to you, she's not going to laugh it off. I'm sure she knows exactly what's going on but isn't going to take sides or get involved. I'm just wondering do you sense that the friendship is so fragile that it will break down if you stop hanging around with the others.

sashafierce wrote: »

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Really, all you can do is set about making new friends. I think that the friends that people make when they are in school aren't necessarily the friends they'll have as adults. People change over time.

sashafierce

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dearg lady

sashafierce wrote: »

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it's not easy, but it is possible!
for you and OP, the best advice I can give you is take every single opportunity that comes your way. I reached the point of sitting in every single night and weekend, work was my only outlet for a time, friends had drifted or moved away.
So, join ant clubs you're interested in, take up a hobby, try meetup.com for your city, maybe meet up with people from boards. it'll be difficult at first cos you won't know people, but over time you'll get to know lots of people. I can't imagine my life without the friends I have now, and many of them I've only known a couple of years!

Denerick

What is this 'texting' malark all about? You can't beat face to face conversation. I'm beginning to think that technology and social networking is ruining humanity in many subtle and annoying ways. What do these people do during the days? If they work, do they go somewhere on their breaks? What do they do after work? Why can't you meet up when you aren't on a night out? Why couldn't you just call round to one of their houses and watch a bit of TV and talk shíte? (The cornerstone of any solid friendship ) Basically what I'm saying is that I take it from your post that you don't meet these people without alcohol being the foremost lubricant of socialisation. Why is this?

sashafierce

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Red Hand

Denerick wrote: »

Why can't you meet up when you aren't on a night out? Why couldn't you just call round to one of their houses and watch a bit of TV and talk shíte? (The cornerstone of any solid friendship )

A lot of people aren't like that. The pub is often the only place where you will meet friends/acquaintances.

Firetrap

That's pretty limiting, is it not? What about meeting a friend for something to eat, a cup of coffee and artery clogging cake, a walk or a plain old fashioned visit? Or perhaps I have weird friends

JajaD

When i read this i actually thought i had written it. I am 24 and in the EXACT same situation than you. Its so annoying and disheartening.. I would love to find friends who are properly sound but i dont know where to begin plus it makes me feel like a massive loser.. But like you, i am friendly and outgoing. Its a weird situation i thought id never be in.

Little Acorn

Denerick wrote: »

What is this 'texting' malark all about? You can't beat face to face conversation. I'm beginning to think that technology and social networking is ruining humanity in many subtle and annoying ways. What do these people do during the days? If they work, do they go somewhere on their breaks? What do they do after work? Why can't you meet up when you aren't on a night out? Why couldn't you just call round to one of their houses and watch a bit of TV and talk shíte? (The cornerstone of any solid friendship ) Basically what I'm saying is that I take it from your post that you don't meet these people without alcohol being the foremost lubricant of socialisation. Why is this?

Good point Denerick, I love just chillin casually with my friends.
You said regarding the other 6 girls "we would never text outside of nights out." so you seem to be as someone else said just a 'party friend' to them.
Are they like this with each other too, or do the rest of them regularly meet up with each other outside of the pubs/clubs?
You could suggest meeting up at different times for more casual things like shopping, or cinema. This would give you more of a chance to actually talk to and maybe get abit closer to some of the girls. It's doubtful you can ever have a good chat in a nightclub.

There was a post here ages ago that broke my heart to read. It was from a man who was in a similar situation to you, felt really used and left out by his friends, and I think it was a new year's party they had without him. He was so hurt, but like you he had one friend who he knew the longest, and so he basically opened up and just let it all come out he was feeling. They both ended up tearful and hugging, and his friend had no idea that he had been feeling so isolated. I thought it was a great happy outcome.:)
You could try telling your close friend how you are feeling.

If none of these things work, you definitely need new friends. It will be a hard and hurtful thing to accept, but will be so worth it when you get friends who actually care about you, and who you might have more in common with.

sashafierce

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ando

Yea either make new friends by joining a drama group or sports club (something with a team effort involved, joining a badminton club or something solo won’t work) and work on going regularly. You'll get to know ppl and make friends, trust me. The other option is to make more of an effort with your current "friends". Going out drinking with them is not enough to be friends. You can hardly get close when you are shouting in each others ears trying to cancel out the noise/music. An earlier suggestion of going the cinema or coffee, I dunno whatever really, something were you can show your personality in an easy going environment is a really good idea. Like think about it, how do you make friends in college, you're in a quiet environment working on ongoing projects with others and over time you make friends because you can relate and have a bit of banter. You need to make your current surroundings similar. Nightclubs are not good for making friends, maybe the initial contact but ongoing friendship, it cannot work and it results in ppl not really caring about you, which is what just happened imo. YOU have to make the effort if you want to get out of this, don’t just give up txting someone for a month to see how they react, that’s just silly. You'll always get bad days nomatter how good your life is, but don’t give up just as an experiment. If you keep trying and you are still not seeing any response from the person, then they are simply not worth it, move on and up.

Firetrap

sashafierce wrote: »

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How about shopping then? My point is that surely friends can meet up outside of pubs/nightclubs. If the OP's friend genuinely is a friend, she'll be happy to catch up with her outside of socialising with the others.