He doesn't want kids! (because of his abuse from his past)

gitizzy

My partner is 30 and we've being together 6 years and I was the first woman he ever slept with. He didn't want to have sex with me when we first meet he used always run off or make up some stupid excuse. After about a year and a half into our relationship he told me he was sexually abused by a man when he was in his early teens and that is why he was pulling away from me. After months and months of taking things slowly we made love. I didn't force him into it.
I started on about having kids and he says he would love to have them but he doesn't want them because if his kids ended up being unhappy as he did he couldn't live with himself. He then went on and told me about his childhood bit by bit. He told me about being bullied all through his school life and alway being made feel like a freak and a waste of space and about how his father treated him so badly and didn't really give a crap about him. He then went on and told me a lot more about the sexually abuse by an man he used be around and how it really messed his head and he said I was the first woman he ever kissed. He also told me he was attracted to men and he hated this and he never tried it with a fella. The abuse makes him really sad and he begins to cry so I have stopped talking about it. He refuses to report it because he says he won't be believed and just to forget about it but I can see it in his eyes that he isn't happy. He is great at putting on an act around his friends and prob me as well. He just smiles and jokes and pretends every thing is okay. Sometimes in his sleep he cries and he seems angry and talks in his sleep. He is also over weight and I notice at times when he is sad he eats a lot more. I have no problem with him being over weight because I really love him and I know he loves me and he would do anything for me or his friends but when it comes to himself he says what is the point. He says he doesn't matter and just to leave him alone.
What should I do?

He needs to talk to a professional.. It's the advice everyone on here will give you. Until he deals with the issues he has, it will always be there.

gitizzy

He refuses to go to a Councillor! He says that he doesn't want to be known as a mad man.

Make him watch The Sopranos so he sees that it's not just mad men who goto councillors.. He needs to see that it's a normal thing to do.
Failing that, maybe anti-depressents.

Maple

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Maple.

Overheal

gitizzy wrote: »

He refuses to go to a Councillor! He says that he doesn't want to be known as a mad man.

Better to look mad to one confidential counselor than to let the problem ruin his life and look mad to everyone else.

irishh_bob

gitizzy wrote: »

My partner is 30 and we've being together 6 years and I was the first woman he ever slept with. He didn't want to have sex with me when we first meet he used always run off or make up some stupid excuse. After about a year and a half into our relationship he told me he was sexually abused by a man when he was in his early teens and that is why he was pulling away from me. After months and months of taking things slowly we made love. I didn't force him into it.
I started on about having kids and he says he would love to have them but he doesn't want them because if his kids ended up being unhappy as he did he couldn't live with himself. He then went on and told me about his childhood bit by bit. He told me about being bullied all through his school life and alway being made feel like a freak and a waste of space and about how his father treated him so badly and didn't really give a crap about him. He then went on and told me a lot more about the sexually abuse by an man he used be around and how it really messed his head and he said I was the first woman he ever kissed. He also told me he was attracted to men and he hated this and he never tried it with a fella. The abuse makes him really sad and he begins to cry so I have stopped talking about it. He refuses to report it because he says he won't be believed and just to forget about it but I can see it in his eyes that he isn't happy. He is great at putting on an act around his friends and prob me as well. He just smiles and jokes and pretends every thing is okay. Sometimes in his sleep he cries and he seems angry and talks in his sleep. He is also over weight and I notice at times when he is sad he eats a lot more. I have no problem with him being over weight because I really love him and I know he loves me and he would do anything for me or his friends but when it comes to himself he says what is the point. He says he doesn't matter and just to leave him alone.
What should I do?

while i cannot relate to your partners horrible experience with that strange predatory older man , i myself had an unhappy childhood with an uncaring father , i dont ever want kids as i know i wouldnt be any good of a father , intend to have a vasectomy this year , your partners possition is understandable

gitizzy

He actually loved kids and he would like them. He is afraid of messing up with them and that is his problem with them. I do think he is depressed but I can't really make him go to a doctor!

up for anything

gitizzy wrote: »

he said I was the first woman he ever kissed. He also told me he was attracted to men and he hated this and he never tried it with a fella.

The abuse makes him really sad and he begins to cry so I have stopped talking about it.

He refuses to report it because he says he won't be believed and just to forget about it but I can see it in his eyes that he isn't happy. He is great at putting on an act around his friends and prob me as well. He just smiles and jokes and pretends every thing is okay.

Sometimes in his sleep he cries and he seems angry and talks in his sleep.

He is also over weight and I notice at times when he is sad he eats a lot more.

when it comes to himself he says what is the point. He says he doesn't matter and just to leave him alone.

From what you say about him admitting that he is attracted to men but that he hates feeling like that and has never done anything about it, I would wonder as to whether he is gay or bisexual and is using you as 'cover' and comfort.

He sounds very sad and lacks self-esteem. Until he takes it upon himself to seek help he is very wise to not consider having children and you would be well-advised to think twice about it yourself. It will not make things better and will more than likely make things worse.

The only advice I can give you is to somehow persuade him to seek some sort of help and to get across to him that the days where people were not believed about childhood abuse are dead and gone and that by not doing something constructive about the abuse he is allowing his abuser to still control him and allowing him the freedom to abuse others.

letsbehonest

He seems like he wants kids and ye may have them in the future. What you have to do is tell him is that he is a brilliant man and none of his past was his fault. He needs help and he needs to see someone. He seems depressed and he needs to get this treated really. He seem to me he wants kids but he is afraid of turning out like his dad and being a failure. Tell him that he is nothing like his dad and he will protect his kids from monsters!

Kevin Duffy

up for anything wrote: »

From what you say about him admitting that he is attracted to men but that he hates feeling like that and has never done anything about it, I would wonder as to whether he is gay or bisexual and is using you as 'cover' and comfort

I know very little of the effects of abuse, but I do know of the problem of victims worrying or believing that they somehow gave off signals that attracted the abuser, or that they "enjoyed" the experience because their bodies responded to abusive acts. They can also identify with abusers long after the abuse stops and they conciously learn that what happened was wrong. All that at a time when sexuality is developing is a frightening, confusing thing and leaves the same fear and confusion as a legacy.

It seems unlikely he is using you for cover or hiding his sexuality, it appears he is just struggling with feelings he doesn't understand. I'd anticipate it's unlikely he and you will sort it out without professional help. Counsellors won't think he's mad and he won't be saying anything they haven't heard before. In my limited experience of them, they're more inclined to think that people who do have issues but don't seek help are mad

Have you looked here for advice? http://www.oneinfour.ie/