Going back to psych ward... Advice?

Holly_

Ok so I guess I must be really desperate if 'm about to share this on a public forum, but I'm totally confused about what to do. I'd be so grateful for any advice or experience here.
I'll try and summarise so as not to bore you all, but basically I'm trying to decide if it would be best for me to admit myself into a psych ward just for a short while to get a grip on things.

I was admitted last year after an overdose, but had been an outpatient for anorexia so they put me on the ed program, and I left about three months later. From then until now I haven't got my life back together. I feel pretty much exactly where I was a year ago, except I'm a healthy weight now. My thoughts are the same, and my life is just a waste. Truly it is. I cannot function, I can't attend college, I'm pretty much pretending I'm a student so people don't worry. A lot of days I can't leave the house. And all my energy goes into putting on a mask for everybody else. Some days are ok, mainly if I think I'm losing weight. But I don't have the control over food anymore, so I constantly go between restricting, binging and fasting, and I alsolutely disgust and hate how I have let myself be this weight. But I can't get a grip on it. I have no life, I'm basically a shell. My only existance is in doing social things to show I'm ok, which is rare because a lot of the time I can't bear to dress myself because I have to see myself in the mirror. It disgusts me because I know I have skills, college isn't hard, I'm interested in it. I have no good reason for not doing anything. I feel like a lazy pathetic excuse. I honestly don't do anything. Except I 've been pretending to everyone, friends, family, doctors that I've been doing my day to day things fine. Nobody knows the extent of this. I've been lying because I don't want to accept their help, becuase their help is focussed on food and all I want (and yes I know why I shouldn't but I find it impossible to care) is to be back the way I was when I was 'ill'.
The thing is I'm not crying my eyes out. I'm numb. I can't even access that part of my brain. I'm constantly drowning it out. It's like my mind can't tolerate fully comprehending the situation I'm making for myself. I know it sounds morbid (I don't mean to be, it doesn't seem morbid to me) but I guess I never thought I'd be around this long, even after I got out of hospital it always seemed inevitable. I can't do what I did before. I seen the fall out of an attmepted suicide on those around me. But now I can't even starve myself anymore. I feel so unbelievably trapped, I don't know if it's that I don't want to exist but more like I'm good for nothing else so why prolong it. It's cutting me up, I don't want to be here but I don't want to disrupt the lives of others by acting on the impulse. I sway between the two, and I don't know how to stop it. I'm close to just acting onimpulse with it. I don't feel hopeful for a future or optimistic that I can 'fix' this so I don't know what going back into hospital would resolve but I just don't think I have other choices here.
I thought I wouldn't want to go back, but it occured to me today that I probably should. I don't really know what I should be asking here, I think I'd just like to know if a voluntary admission is straight forward, I mean I still attend as an out patient so I know the team. But I don't know if it's enough to even need to be back in. I feel like a sham, like I should be able to cop on and get on with things. I don't know if I'll regret going back (that is if they think I need to) and I don't know if I could handle being around eating disorder patients (same ward), I'd hate myself even more for letting myself gain all this weight and having no self control. Really, I know it's wrong but it's the thing that scares me most about being back there. I'm a 'healthy' weight now, I don't want to be on the ed program, I just want to do something about this depression, or whatever it is. Maybe... I don't know if I want help, it just occured to me that maybe this has gone too far now.

Sorry for rambling, I know it's a self pitying read, it's hard to even type the words because it seems so self involved and that's not a trait I want to have.

If anyone has any... Thanks

cantdecide

I have no practical advice as to how to approach things or what is open to you as an option. I'm just too ignorant of the ins and outs of the systems at work.

By way of just showing some solidarity, I will say that you've been incredibly open. You should really print what you wrote for 'us' and show it to your GP, counsellor etc. even your parents or a trusted relative or friend. You shouldn't try to be a good liar. You obviously are very self aware and you need to exploit this.

I'm sorry things have to be this way for you. Life just sucks for no good reason sometimes. You have to understand that you don't deserve this and you deserve happiness and fulfillment. You should do whatever it takes to get to that place. People love you and they want you around and they would be heartbroken if the knew that this is how you really felt inside.

Sorry I can't help. Please just do what it takes. You have to have a little blind faith sometimes even if it feels wrong.

spinandscribble

I think without knowing it you're getting back on track. You're aware you need a bit of help and being able to admit that for yourself and logically look at the options available is a great sign. Don't worry about, as you put it, "copping on", you are very much doing so and theres no need to bottle it up ect and push on without sorting yourself out. By looking for assistance you ARE copping on and improving yourself. thats the only way you can keep going forward.

It seems to me from reading your post you've got stuff going for you you don't even realise yet, you're intelligent enough to write that well while depressed, you're being completely honest with yourself, you're straightforward and not having a pity party, just trying to figure out the right step for you next. I think going back to the ward will do you some good. You're not lazy and if you inform your family/friends that you're not better and have been putting on a brave face but now need some help they'll probably feel you did it to spare them worry. At least you're in a place now where you can say "yes i feel bad still and I'm depressed so i need help and i'm gonna get it".

Good luck Op I think you have it in you to beat this.

Fittle

Firstly, I so admire you for your honesty. It can't have been easy to write that down, but in some may, I hope it's helped you.

Secondly, you should really be talking to your GP or a professional about your feelings and seek their advice about whether you should admit yourself.

Please try to drop the mask - easier said than done I'm sure - but you know how much those around you love you obviously, which is wonderful, and is alot more than many people have - think about how they would feel if they knew your thoughts? They want you to be happy and fulfilled in your life.

You say you have the mask for 'them' , to keep 'them' happy.

But if you're honest, it's yourself you are protecting here - not them. If you have this mask on, you don't really have to deal with the reality of how you feel, do you? You can go on pretending to all around you, but ultimately, it's only yourself you are lying to.

Give your GP a call. It can do you no harm.

Sometimes, life sucks OP, it's as simple as that. There are those of us who carry the burden of our negative thoughts around with us for a lifetime, until they subconsciously become our 'comfort zone'. And there are others, who are able to dispel the negativity and go on to live quite fulfilling and rewarding lives, settling down with someone you love, becoming parents, writing books, become professional sports men/women - whatever it is that fulfils them. Try to find one thing you like to do, and do it. You are quite a good writer - you've a nice turn of phrase and are very open - ever thought of writing?.

Sometimes, it just takes one thing to turn our lives around - sometimes it takes a bit more. I wish you well on your journey OP.

Holly_

Wow, thank you all so much for your words, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I do think that maybe it might be for the best, at this point I've nothing else.
As for seeing a gp, I attend psych as an outpatient at the hospital so I would be meeting my consultant or a reg then. So as scary as the prospect seems, I suppose I'm pinning everything on my next appointment, which is in a few days time. I don't want to tell anybody around me just yet, I really would rather quietly get it done with, although how that's possible with my housemates and my OH I don't really know, but I'll take it as it comes.

Again, thanks so much, I don't know what I expected from posting last night but I certainly didn't expect such kind words. And I'm totally blown away by people commenting on my writing; I didn't think it would be possible to make a judgement on it just from a desperate rambling. It is something I think about a lot, but then again that's also something that makes me so frustrated because I'm not able to motivate myself to do anything with it anymore.

LegacyUser

Wow, you are so self aware, you should give yourself praise.

I think you should certainly print out your original post and give it to the consultant the next time you go. It's full of little gems and an honest account of where you are now.

You deserve a better quality of life, and I think you can achieve it. Of course you're not perfect, none of us are, and yes you have weaknesess but maybe there is a better way of managing them.

Whatever you are doing now, as an outpatient isnt quite working for you is it? It's no ones fault it is what it is. The team are there to facilitate YOU and your needs. Maybe things could be planned out differently? Maybe you wont have to go in? Maybe you do, if only for a little time out for yourself. There are loads of posibilities nothing is black and white so consider the grey for a while.

Take courage, we are all subject to the human condition, we all struggle in different unseen ways.

Best of luck girl!

XX

poozers

Wow!! well done to you!!! as "spinandscribble" said, admitting that you need help is a step forward in itself!!! i think you deserve a break... start thinking about yourself and what YOU need, and not stressing out about trying to let everyone else know your "ok" - cos you dont feel ok!! for your own sake you cant go on pretending everything is ok. talk with some one someone you can trust...or even go see a therapist. and maybe, if you think its for the best, go check yourself in to that ward! to be honest, i know nothing about psych wards, or institutions or anything, but i like to think you could meet some very interesting and helpful people there... you will know youre not alone and can start concentrating on getting yourself better, while not hiding your true feelings from people! doing everyday things youre not comfortable doing is stress in itself!!! best of luck!!!

pheasant tail

Holly sorry about your problems but i can relate to a nawful lot of it apart from the anerixa, as you know yourself theres definetly issues of depression so could you not say that to them like in the hospital and they may put you in a different ward?
Im currently an inpatient myself at the moment and from reading your story there you could do with a lot of help also..
all the best

LegacyUser

To be honest OP, you sound like someone who is in complete conflict.But not necessarily in a "bad" way.

You sound like some part of you is heading back towards a "normal" life and self, but is battling with the part of you that has that tight iron fist of control and manifests as anorexia.

(I should point out here that I'm not a mental health professional. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for a while however, and have recently finished with a counsellor, so I have a vague understanding of how you feel.I won't give medical advice though - just how it sounds to me)

Possibly all this confusion could be seen as a good thing - a turning point.But at the same time, these things can get too much for us at times, and asking for professional help is no bad thing. Stop being so incredibly hard on yourself. Why should you just cop on and get over things? You've been through a lot, and you know what, you came out the other side. You had help, but you did it, and were strong enough to do it.

That's a lot to deal with. You've done the physical thing - you're a healthy weight, which is fantastic. Now to give your brain and your mind a bit of help.They've been battling against themselves for a long time with the weight thing - they're bound to feel a bit battered and numb. Stop being hard on yourself, and give them (and you) a chance to heal. Ask for the help you need - just somebody to talk to. Speak to the hospital, and see what can be arranged.

You're already incredibly strong, OP, even if it doesn't feel that way. You have it in you to be even better, but it will take time.It took time to get that far into anorexia, it'll take time to get out the other side. There's no shame in asking for help when you feel you need it. And well done for admitting that you do.

Holly_

I really don't want to be going about eating issues, like I said earlier my BMI is normal and I'm not anorexic now, I can't explain why but it humiliates me to have to be weighed and talk about food when I'm have the complete opposite of the control I had before.
I've been inpatient before for a few months so I know how everything works there. I think I'm closer to making up my mind, but ultimately it's not my decision, it's in the hands of the doctors. And there might not be any available beds. I can't even contemplate what I'll feel like if this isn't an option.
I appreciate what you have all said and I wish it was more of a comfort, I don't feel like I've made any progress, I'm still in the same headspace - Yeah I might have put on weight but if I could change that I would. I realise that doesn't make sense but I can't help it.

Jeez, this probably doesn't make for a light Sunday read, so thanks for taking the time to go through it.

cantdecide

You aren't any different to any of us in that there will be some times when you have to correct your path. Sometimes just going through the motions for long enough can help you to retrain your behaviour and habits. Even if your heart isn't in it, these things are still helping.

Just don't pin all your hopes on a particular avenue. If something isn't available just now, you can't let it be the rock you perish on.

LegacyUser

Hi,

From my own experience, the truth can solve a lot of problems.
I have been lucky to have a great GP over the last year who has helped me manage my depression well, and understand it too. I was suicidal and unable to function years ago but am now doing ok and working in a job I like. A lot of my problems were from the fact that I put up with a lot of crap from people who lied to me and who did not have my interests at heart, and this was personal relationships, which I am glad to be out of now, once bitten twice shy, and I suppose Karma will sort them out.

Anyway.....my doc once told me that as mental issues get worse you are more likely to refuse help. You seem to have a grasp on reality at the moment, in that you admit to lying.

There are a lot of good people out there, play fair with them, stop lying (you would be surprised at how many pepole think they are succeeding with the lie, but they are not and as a team you can work with them to make your life more manageable.

Best wishes