She's just Fed Up

killer_cain

This is a long story sorry.....

I have made the worst mess of my life. I've been with a girl 4 years she is now 34, the last year I moved to a different country to be with her, I stayed at her place where she lives with her sister, only temporarily, but ended up living there & basically I sat around while she did everything for me, getting my visa sorted etc. -

I got a job but otherwise, I was a useless thoughtless careless arsehole, completely withdrew into myself, didn't even talk with people at work, stopped going out and became a recluse, drinking on my own & way too much & dragged her down with me...I got so used to living this way - I didn't even notice. Even when she tried many times to get me to talk or consider the future, I never listened.

On 14th of Feb just gone, instead of the ring she was expecting I got her worse than useless crap. That moment she realised I did not understand what would make her happy or what she wanted from our relationship, she was upset & angry like I never seen. The next morning she demanded a commitment from me & I walked out of the house while she was begging me to talk.

That evening she told me our relationship was finished - I still didn't take any of it seriously. I moved out and now can see with sickeningly clarity all the crap I put her through. I have completely changed as a person since it all happened. But she seen her ex since - now is imaging a future with him - and won't listen to me. I have gone over every detail in my life and changed myself - but she is beyond anger, she is just too fed up with me to care.

We can't even have space because we actually sit across from each other at work!
I can't bail on the job, I need it to show her I am a responsible person - having never taken responsibility before. I have tried explaining everything I feel and now understand what I did to her - sometimes it seems to make sense to her, sometimes she is worse than ever - her feelings are very up and down.

She tells me not to bother - she has feelings for her ex etc. - I know it's a rebound cos she is sick of me & I feel she would be with anyone who offered her hope & comfort now. When she thinks of being with me she just remembers all the stress & pressure I put her under & just the thought of that puts her in a pissy mood.

But I really love this girl & want to do whatever it takes to get her back, I will still try to win her until the bitter end but the more I try the more I seem to push her away.

It is all because of me & I accept this. I realise how much I have hurt her emotionally, but now I am confident in myself yet not hopeful of a re-union (if that makes sense) but I won't give up.

I am Really sorry for the long read guys, I want to listen to anyone who took the time to read all my idiot-brain-created stupidity, If anyone can give me advice or even tell me to quit I will listen - I just don't want us both to regret the last 4 years of our lives.

Again, Thanks for taking the time.
kc

ManOfMystery

It sounds like she just needs some space. You pressuring her or crowding her won't do any good.

You've done a LOT of damage. But you're on a positive road now. Just give her some time to herself, and keep working and keeping positive to show her that this isn't just some phase you're going through.

killer_cain

sunflower27 wrote: »

I have to ask why you treated her so badly? Were you unhappy living where you were?

I should have mentioned that we live in Turkey, where not being married & living together is a sin! - that I didn't move out is what killed it (along with the other stuff).
I can't say for sure how I fell into such a rut, it's something that I just didn't notice (or even cared about when I think about it now), I just became weak-minded & got lazy & dependent I withdrew into my own place & never took anything seriously or listened to reason, she was so motivated I just let her take the wheel & all the pressure with it.

I'm really shocked when I look at my life just a few weeks ago. I'm not an alcoholic but I might as well have been, I saw it as the only way to enjoy my time...any time I had a day off or she was away somewhere, or if we went anywhere ANYTIME, the first thing I thought about was alcohol, I see how stupid & pointless that is now, there's a lot more to life.

I see how I was bitching & whinging over nothing like a brat, I always moaned that she nagged at me, that she put up with all my crap for so long and worked so hard for us is a testament to her. I don't blame her for a moment for giving me the boot.

I know I'm becoming a better person for it all, but it's knowing I'll lose her forever that I will regret for a long time to come.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm not trying to be mean but you sound like the worst type of arsehole with very very few positive traits. Luckily you seem to have realised this and are working on changing it. Unfortunately it seems that you're too late to keep your relationship. The kind of person you've described yourself as is just so pathetic and weak that there's nothing attractive at all about who you were. By the sounds of it you've completely driven her to break it off. I would, if I were you, leave her alone and concentrate on yourself. You can't just click your fingers and change your personality, it'll take time. It seems like she's beyond caring anyway. You should concentrate on becoming someone that's actually good, likeable and lovable so if you meet someone else you won't blow it. So yeah concentrate on yourself and maybe, just maybe, when she sees the changes are for real she'll give you another chance. I wouldn't hold my breath though, sounds like she gave you chance after chance after chance.

LegacyUser

you were like that for 4 years. how do you expect her to believe you have changed jsut like that? it probly seems more likely to her that this is teh temporary behaviour.

in fact, waht makes you think that? this is a complete personality change overnight.

LegacyUser

sorry OP but I had an ex like that who wasted his time with me, bitched and whinged that I was 'nagging' him, always took me for granted and let me do all the work to keep us going. Same as you, after four years, I'd had enough and we split up....then a few weeks later he claimed he'd 'realised' he was acting like an arsehole, and was desperate to get me back and prove he had changed. Well, I tried after a lot of back and forth adn persuasion. I never ever fully believed in his miracle awakening to his ****ty past behaviour, and even if I did, I was still incredibly hurt and fed up from four years of ****e, that I just didn't have it in me to give it a proper shot. Leave her be, you had four years to act like a proper boyfriend, it's too late now and she deserves better.

I'm glad you realised how you acted was not fair on her, or on your relationship, I hope, like I do for my ex, that the change of behaviour lasted, that it was a hard lesson for you to learn but maybe you'll be better the next time round.

killer_cain

Well guys after six weeks of telling her giving as much space as I could & over & over everything I felt inside & what I thought of myself & going through every detail in my life we are back together. It was down to being honest, realistic and in the end being the guy she loved in the first place.

SheRa

OP Im glad that it worked out for you, but be careful not to slip back into old ways or you will end up writing the first post again, except you probably wouldnt get a third chance.

The best of luck. Actually sod that, its not luck, its working on the relationship and yourself that matters. Hope it works out for you both.

missgroovy21

okay you've been quite selfish towards her...she obv thought the next srep would be marriage as any woman would.....but to not give u time to explain things to her must really hurt.....on the flip side...if she is rebounding with the ex it wont last.....altho if they stay together and he can give her what she wants then maybe you should let things be and learn from your mistake.....

you have to ask yourself...if u 2 did get back...would you commit yourself to her? if the answer is no then just leave her be...