Can you give me feedback on this conversation please!?

Dr. Baltar

ME: How would you feel if *sisters name* brought back a girl and said she loved her?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

ME: So you think it's alright so long as it doesn't affect us and the rest of our neighbours basically?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

Mam: You don't think *sisters name* is... well.... one of those ..... do you?

ME: No! Of course not.... it's just, if I were to bring home a guy... how would you feel about it?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

ME: Awwh; arlight Mam, I love you.

Mam: I love you too, and good night.

*I've been out over a year. Never brought a guy back or even thought about it because the whole conversation of homosexuality is a bit well.... dodgy in my house. They're cool with it so long as it itsn't well.... real.

How do I basically say to the parents... "I'm effin gay and there's effin nothin' you can do about it! I'm happy the way I am and I want you to be happy for me!!! ARRRRRRRRGGGGH!!!!"

Cavehill Red

Well, you can say what you just wrote, if that would make you feel better.
What you can't do is dictate how others should feel.
Nor can you demand that they accept you bringing fellas back to their house. Their house, their rules. If you don't like the rules, you man up and move out into your own place.

pragmatic1

In fairness Dr.Baltar, I'm striaght and I've never been allowed to bring a girl back to my house. The auld pair see it as disrespectful in some way. I dont agree with it but its their place.

Annasopra

not even for dinner?

Brods

Johnnymcg wrote: »

not even for dinner?

Could be wrong but I imagine this is what Dr. B meant but his mum took it as sleeping over? Maybe readdress the idea more explicitly... Unless you meant staying the night- my parents make my sisters boyf sleep on the couch, cos yea they see it as disrespectful. Our house, our rules could have been our family motto growing up!

Also, is there the immediate threat that you have someone to being over now? Or are you just worried in expectation? You could introduce them in neutral territory?

Beruthiel

Dr B, I think you need to clarify something for us, if ye were discussing a straight couple, would she still say, not in my house?
Would it be just that she wouldn't have any of her off spring having any kind of sex in her house?

From a mothers pov, my daughter has been going out with her fella for maybe 5 years at this stage.
I can count on one hand how many times he's stayed over.
I don't encourage it. Nothing to do with them having sex and everything to do with it being my house, my space where I can do as I please and I like having it to myself.
Having someone over means effort. My spare time is precious and I just couldn't be arsed.
Yup. It's all about me.

If she were ever to complain about it, I'll remind her that I left home at 19 and she's more than welcome to do the same.

mikemac

For my parents if I ever brought home a girlfriend for the weekend, it's strictly separate bedrooms
Not unless we were married was the rule and that was the same for any of my brother and sisters.

Not I know there is the whole marriage debate here and we won't sidetrack the thread.

If you want to bring back fellas to your parents house OP, well their house their rules
If it's an issue, well one day you'll move out and get your own flat and have new freedom

Dr. Baltar

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about sleeping over. I'm simply on about "hey Auld Pair, this is the boyfriend". They also know that's what I'm talking about.

As for would the same standards be set for a straight couple: certainly not as an ex-girlfriend of mine stayed the night before (on the couch) and they were really cool with it.

diddlybit

I hate conversations with my parents about being "one of those".;)

It's really unfair that your parents will not welcome any prospective partners to their home just because it's a same sex relationship.

It's also a lot harder to come out when you're single, I think, because if you're in a couple you have material evidence that you are in fact gay and not "going through a phase" or "confused". *wheel out partner for awkward first meeting*

I'd leave the subject well alone (as frustrating as that may be) until you are seeing some and then tell them that you would like them to meet them, that they make you happy, that you want their opinion and blessing, just like any straight couple would.

If the attitude is still the same, play the "parents unconditionally love their children" card and the "you've had ages to get used to my sexuality, did you think it would just go away?" and finally, "can you not accept that I am happy" card.

If all this fails, tell them that they are being highly unfair about the situation.

Beruthiel

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about sleeping over. I'm simply on about "hey Auld Pair, this is the boyfriend". They also know that's what I'm talking about.

As for would the same standards be set for a straight couple: certainly not as an ex-girlfriend of mine stayed the night before (on the couch) and they were really cool with it.

Well now that's a whole different kettle of fish.

So basically, what you're saying here is, they know you're gay but never want to see any partner you might choose to be with?
Let's ignore it, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist.
Sorry Dr. B, that's a bummer.

Don't know what age you are, but the sooner you can move to your own place, the better.
Live your life without curtailing it in any way, if they wish to be part of it, then fine, but on your terms.

Chuchoter

As long as both parties were clear on it being an introduction and not sex, I don't really know what you're going to do. After a year I think you have probably reached the point of as accepting as they're going to get sadly. I've recently come to realize the same thing, more than a year on and they still aren't comfortable with it at all, we just pretend its not happening

KnifeWRENCH

Unfortunately, you can't force them to accept it, or be happy for you. Some parents take time to come to terms with it. Others never do. It's their problem, not yours. So long as you're happy with who you are, that's the most important thing.

I know it would be nice to be able to bring a boyfriend home, but if your parens are that opposed to "that sort of thing" in their house, then they probably won't make your boyfriend feel welcome and he probably would feel very uncomfortable there.

You're like 19 or 20, yeah? The sooner you can move out, the better. You can bring whoever the hell you want back to your place, after all. And perhaps when you've moved out, your parents will realise that they miss having you around and that may be the catalyst needed to make them more accepting of you bringing a guy home.

Aishae

i got the impression at first she was saying like 'not staying overnight in my house' but as you clarified it wasnt about staying over and she treated it different before too.
it might be that she feels she'd be uncomfy ith the idea of seeing you with a fella. she knows it. but hasnt had to see it.

as its her house you couldnt force her to accept meeting someone. she has to feel comfy in her own home too. when the occasion arises maybe she'd be open to meeting someone on neutral ground first - like for lunch - just to get her used to the idea. then after having a chat about it she might be more accepting

Killer_banana

That sucks, Dr. B. I'm sorry your mother feels that way. Aishae's idea of meeting a boyfriend soemwhere besides your house could work though. My family just doesn't really discuss love lives and the like in general regardless of sexuality (although as far as my parents know all their kids are straight) so when my brother wanted to introduce his girlfriend to stop it being awkward he brought her to our cousin's communion so that it was a nice relaxed atmosphere and all the attention wouldn't be on her. I'm not saying just show up at a family event with a fella, especially if your relatives don't know, I'm just saying when it's not in your house and it's not simply about meeting your boyfriend but something else and he just happens to be their it might run a bit more smoothly and work out better for you.

Good luck anyway and I hope it works out.

dreamer_ire

You know things change over time. My folks have met a few of my exs and my current gf, whom they really like. For me, part of it was about choosing the right person for them to meet first. Someone they saw as an individual, not necessarily as my gf (and hence the thoughts of what we might be doing in private!!). When I visited with my next gf we stayed overnight, though in different rooms. When we were going to see them the next time with her children I spoke to my folks and explained it was important for the kids not to see us being treated differently. If us sharing a room was a problem for them that it was ok, and I respected their decision but that we would stay elsewhere and be at their house during the day. I guess that clinched it for them and since then it's always been ok for my gf to share my room.

Sometimes I think they need to take things in small steps. I was prepared to do that with them cos they were too important to me. They just struggled in getting their heads round things. It's funny now cos one of my cousins has come out and my mum cannot believe how weird her sister is about it! Interesting how we remember the past so diffferently lol.

Hope things work out for you.

Donnaghm

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

ME: How would you feel if *sisters name* brought back a girl and said she loved her?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

ME: So you think it's alright so long as it doesn't affect us and the rest of our neighbours basically?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

Mam: You don't think *sisters name* is... well.... one of those ..... do you?

ME: No! Of course not.... it's just, if I were to bring home a guy... how would you feel about it?

Mam: I think it's ok but not in my house.

ME: Awwh; arlight Mam, I love you.

Mam: I love you too, and good night.

*I've been out over a year. Never brought a guy back or even thought about it because the whole conversation of homosexuality is a bit well.... dodgy in my house. They're cool with it so long as it itsn't well.... real.

How do I basically say to the parents... "I'm effin gay and there's effin nothin' you can do about it! I'm happy the way I am and I want you to be happy for me!!! ARRRRRRRRGGGGH!!!!"

Ugh, the similarity with my own household is just uncanny. Parents' perpetual desire to keep up with the Jones by trying to project an image of normalcy and perfection is ruinous to their relationships with their kids by prohibiting an open, honest relationship from developing between them. Will they ever wake up and realise this and gain some bloody perspective? Who gives a fiddlers what nosey Nelly next door thinks? There's war, famine, disease, genocide, global warming, crippling soverign debt, etc happening in the world. Why care about the opinions of the pious morons who sit in the front seat of the church every Sunday? Arg.

BanzaiBk

My mother always said things like that (not in my house etc) but falls all over my OH whenever we're over. People change, give her a chance to prove herself wrong mate.

Annasopra

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about sleeping over. I'm simply on about "hey Auld Pair, this is the boyfriend". They also know that's what I'm talking about.

As for would the same standards be set for a straight couple: certainly not as an ex-girlfriend of mine stayed the night before (on the couch) and they were really cool with it.

Well then I'd say to your mother that she is being a bit hypocritical by saying it's ok but really it's not and tell her you are hurt by the whole thing (presumably you are)

baby and crumble

I'd second the views here from people who say give it time. My folks were the same, they were a bit weird about it all at first. To be fair to them though there's never really been a 'lets share everything as a family!' vibe in my house. Not that we don't talk, far from it. Just the whole idea of meeting your friends, partners etc. wasn't the done thing. It was pretty much like "well they're your friends, we don't need to meet them so long you get on", you know? Same with partners.

But when I came out, my Dad told me that he was fine with it, but he didn't want it 'shoved in his face' and that anyone I brought home had to 'respect the family'. I did kinda think I'd walked into the Sopranos or something. Really what he meant was he didn't really want to think about his daughters sex life. WHich I understand. He also believed all the stereotypes of lesbians he'd seen on tv, that we all shave our heads and wear dungarees and doc martins and hate men.

As it turns out, my gf is the girliest girl you could meet, yet can talk about cars with my Dad, so he's happy. Now us as a couple just rolls of his tongue, same as my brothers and their girlfriends. It's no different.

TL;DR- parents change.

ongarboy

Ironically, in my folks home my straight siblings were not allowed to share a bedroom with their partners until they got married (as the parents view it and living together as "living in sin") yet I was allowed to have my partner share my room with me when I brought him home. I think they just didn't know how to address my situation as they couldn't very well say "wait until you get married" to me! They are completely accepting of me and my partner but marriage to them would only be in the eyes of the church btw. Kind of a bittersweet perk for me really!

bitter_lemon

lol this brings me back!
i remember asking my mam could i bring the girl i was seeing at the time around for xmas dinner. my brother was bringing the girl he was seeing at the time.
the reply was a resounding NO!
both my parents are country people (i'm a dub) and nothing has changed after all these years.
i know i may in the minority but i do get where where they are coming from. i have spent a lot of time as a youngster and indeed an adult visiting their homeplace (they are both from the same little townland). and i do understand - i really do.
they want me to be happy but just wish not to have my lifestyle rubbed in their faces. they don't want to talk about it and that is ok.
i actually think they are great for just accepting me. i have to give them credit for that. because where they were brought up has no tolerance for gay people.

Endymion

You don't know how they'll react until it happens. When asked to comment on hypothetical situations, all a person can do is draw upon their prejudices. I don't think it's hypocritical to say it was OK for your known girlfriend to stay over while it's not OK for your unknown fictional boyfriend to stay over. They could have thought your "hetrosexual" relationship was more stable and serious than a homosexual one. It's not as if there isn't some merit to that in general.

Basically I think you're being unfair on your mother, and until she actually does something to let you down, you should give her some space to come to terms.