Girl trouble, what do I do?

Elessar

So I've fallen, big time, for a girl in work. We're both early 20's. I liked her from when I first met her, a few months back, but never thought she would be interested in me. We work shift on a large team split up into smaller teams so I didn't see her too often so was able to put her out of my mind.

That was until a few weeks ago. We got chatting and found some common ground. She asked me over facebook whether I was going to a work night out coming up and I said I was. She said she would be in town with friends and would drop in. Grand.

I show up on the night. There she is, sitting at the table. Turns out she came in on her own pretty much just to see me. She didn't know anyone else going and had to txt around to get people's numbers and find out the venue and time. It became apparent she went only because I said I was going!

As with any girl I like I become nervous around her and can't relax. The night wasn't great as she seemed off and I had difficulty getting a decent conversation with her. We did chat alone for a bit though which was good. I asked her to dance, she declined, yet was up 10 mins later with the other girls on the dancefloor. Well I took that as a signal she wasn't interested, got my jacket and left. On the way out she stopped me and gave me her number!

We were texting the rest of the night, the next day and into the next week. She mentioned it was a pity I had to leave early etc. She seemed interested in me. At this stage I was already taken with her, hook line and sinker! I was so tempted to ask her out that week but held off because it felt too soon and I wasn't sure how she felt.

Over the next few weeks she would come up to me in work and chat, and we would chat over facebook. Nothing too heavy, but I could sense she was interested, at least, that was my gut instinct.

That led up to last weekend where I finally asked her out. Imagine my surprise when she tells me she's actually seeing someone! :mad: Gutted, I accept it and tell her I had no idea. I feel like I was made a fool of.

Ever since then I have been a wreck. I am crazy about her and pretty much devastated. Things have been cool between us but we still have to work together sometimes. I try to pretend it'd not affecting me, as it certainly doesn't seem to be affecting her. I'm sure she has totally forgotten it. There's no awkwardness from her, but things are definitely cool. She doesn't stop and talk to me anymore.

Was she even interested in me? Was she taken all along? Or did she meet someone else in the weeks after our night out? Or was her saying she is seeing someone just a nice way of rejecting me?

Anyway it has gotten to the stage where I feel awful if she is around but doesn't acknowledge me or look at me (though this could be a general thing that I am looking far too much into) and where my spirits are lifted if she waves back on her way home.

It's beginning to affect my work and home life. I was depressed and irritable in work today (surprise surprise, just after she came through). Being rejected by the girl you are crazy about is horrible. So much pain

In order to protect myself I have closed off from her and am trying to distance myself from the close/friendliness we had, even though I don't want to. She probably thinks I am a complete dick for this. I can't get the thought of a sliver of hope that we could get together in the future if she finishes with this other guy. Maybe I'm naive. But I can't move on. I don't want to.

Why do I let her have so much power over me? Why are my feelings and sense of self worth so tied to another person? I can't help the way I feel.

What do I do?

ManOfMystery

Why she came to that night out? Who knows. Maybe her friends let her down, maybe she was bored, etc.

Why she gave you her number? Well you do work with her, so it's not like you're some random guy. I'm in a relationship, but I have numbers of girls from my work in my phone - not for any romantic reason, but simply because it's not uncommon for people who know each other (through work or otherwise) to swap numbers on nights out.

Her not wanting to get up and dance was probably a telltale sign that she was there as a friend and didn't have any romantic notions.

And by your own admission, you've been chatting since but it 'hasn't been too heavy'. You haven't mentioned flirting or any romantic talk, so I presume it's been just plain old chitchat.

I think you misread the signals to be honest, and IMO you are overanalysing this to a certain extent. You asked her out; she's already taken, so she did the right thing and told you the honest truth ........... and now you're still friends, exactly as you were before. The only difference is that you've built up something in your head which you really don't want to tear down - but you're going to have to, as this infatuation will lead nowhere.

There are millions of other girls out there. This one is taken, and that's likely the reason she declined your request of a date rather than her not liking you. Move on, get out and date a bit more and get her out of your head.

ibarelycare

I think this could be a case of "You snooze, you lose" tbh. She went out of her way to show interest in you. Obviously she could have made the first move by asking you out, but a lot of girls expect the guy to do the asking out and perhaps you waited too long.

You say you have been "made a fool of" but chances are the girl met someone on a night out very recently and has only just started seeing them. She's hardly going to just stop texting you out of the blue, because obviously you've built up a friendship with her.

Sorry OP but you should have taken the bull by the horns and asked sooner!

poconnor16

Either she did meet someone in the time before you asked her - in which case, forget about it. Or she likes a bit of attention and was only playing with you. In which case - forget about it.
I know the truth hurts when you are that mad about someone, but nobody is worth getting down about. Pain that you have to see her in work alright. Start focussing on meeting someone else, get out with your friends, throw yourself into you hobbies. You have to learn how to deal with rejection properly, its just part of life.
You dont see her looking down and upset so why should you?

Distorted

Elessar wrote: »

She asked me over facebook whether I was going to a work night out coming up and I said I was.

I show up on the night. There she is, sitting at the table. Turns out she came in on her own pretty much just to see me. She didn't know anyone else going and had to txt around to get people's numbers and find out the venue and time. It became apparent she went only because I said I was going!

As with any girl I like I become nervous around her and can't relax.

Well I took that as a signal she wasn't interested, got my jacket and left. On the way out she stopped me and gave me her number!

We were texting the rest of the night, the next day and into the next week. She mentioned it was a pity I had to leave early etc.

I was so tempted to ask her out that week but held off because it felt too soon and I wasn't sure how she felt.

Over the next few weeks she would come up to me in work and chat, and we would chat over facebook. Nothing too heavy, but I could sense she was interested, at least, that was my gut instinct.

That led up to last weekend where I finally asked her out. Imagine my surprise when she tells me she's actually seeing someone!

I feel for this girl. There she is, initiating contact with you on Facebook, turning up alone at a night out (terrifying and probably explains why she stuck to the other girls when she got to know them), giving you her phone number, chatting with you for weeks - and you still don't ask her out. Obviously, she decided either you weren't interested (enough) or were one of those guys who likes to flirt but doesn't want to take it any further. The worst part is where you just got your jacket and left the night out, which she had gone to all the trouble to go to alone!

You had how many opportunities? And you think she was playing you?

She's not going to stay single indefinately in the hope that you might get your act together. You had loads of chances, she was doing most of the chasing, she got fed up. Either you've hacked her off so much that she's gone off you and made up a boyfriend to teach you a lesson, or she's had someone else interested who has managed to make a move a bit quicker than the pace of a snail.

Sorry, no-one's fault but your own. You just didn't do anything to show her you were properly interested back. You could have asked her on a date at least! As girl myself, you tend to get asked out quite a lot. Its likely this happened to her and she saw no point in turning down someone else, since you didn't seem interested in asking her out. Very logical decision on her part.

The few weeks after the night out probably convinced her you were never going to make your move.

Crash Bang Wall

Im thinking that she was playing you to be honest, did she say how long she is seeing this other guy, if its long term then she is.

Try and forget about her is my advice

wylo

Im surprised with the responses I got the impression he meant she had been seeing someone all along, hence the being made a fool of remark.
Either way its a tough one OP but theres nothing you can do now. You cant ask her out again.
I have experience with this kind of situation (workplace/being crazy about them) and its a pain. Just dont fall into a trap of becoming great friends with her and being crazy about her even more. UNLESS she makes a clear statement to you that shes now single. But tbh, you did the hard part so even if she does become single again its really up to her now.


Overall though, try and hook up with other people, itll get your mind off it.