Possible New Relationship - Unsure

LegacyUser

So this is a bit long winded, but yeah.

I've been seeing this girl for about two weeks now. We got talking on a dating website and had been talking for around a month before we met up, where we had an amazing time and have met up numerous times since then - always getting on very well. I have met her friends and they seem to like me - she's got a male best friend and I think he has said I'm a good guy.

I've really fallen for her and she likes me too, often commenting on how she can't stop smiling, that she likes me, and I want to ask her to go out with me - I've been single for about 2 years now, after a previous pretty messy breakup. But there's a few things that are on my mind and I don't really know how to go about with it - hence me coming here, I guess.

Her previous relationship ended in or around New Years Eve and her ex was supposedly this arse who wasn't very affectionate and caring, so this is what she is used to. I'm the complete polar opposite; I'm very affectionate, romantic, caring, and tell her nice things quite a lot (that she is amazing and beautiful, which I really think she is). Because her ex was an arse, she sometimes tells me to stop being so mushy, as she puts it. This is the way I have always been and have told her that when I'm this happy and like someone this much, I find it very hard not to be.

It's kinda gotten to the point where I am worried about asking her if she would like to come out to dinner with me sometime, which I really want to so I can treat her .

When we started talking first online, she mentioned how she was going to enjoy being single. Part of me wonders if this is still the case and whether she'd want to remain single. This could have changed though - as I have previously said, I have met her friends, her housemates, we hold hands wherever we go and are kissing almost constantly.

I'm just worried that if I ask her to go out with me, she'll say no and it might put a damper on things because I really do like her and I don't want this to happen.

What should I do?

Vicxas

Theres no way to guage it OP, prehaps maybe talk about it then slip in casually that you should go cinema or to dinner.

You cant change who you are, if you are affectionate then you cant change that, best advice is to be yourself. shes probably not used to all the affection.

LegacyUser

Thing is that I don't really want to hang back, because I like her a lot and I'm worried that if I do she could just lose interest. I've never been one for any of these games, "playing mean to keep 'em keen" or any of that bollox. I think she is over her ex, just the fact that he was an arse though - we have talked about it and I told her I would cool down the being nice, but I may slip up. I think her friends really didn't like her ex very much, but they seem to like me so far .. I hope. Especially her male friend - they're very close and also housemates, so I know it's important to her.

Distorted

I don't really see the problem? Just ask her and you have your answer, most likely to be positive but nothing venture, nothing gained.

I would also find a guy who was extremely complimentary and overly affectionate and mushy a bit overbearing, particularly in the very early stages of a relationship. Nothing to do with ex-boyfriends. You need to keep a bit of coolness about you too.

gerryk

If you don't make your intentions known sooner rather than later, you will get friend-zoned. Even if she enjoys her singlehood, make sure she's aware you see her in a sexual light, and that you are likewise a sexual creature, otherwise you'll just become a thing of comfort and a source of compliments... and that's not a good place to be.

flowerchild

What is wrong with being seen as a source of love, affection, support and compliments?

gerryk

Nothing at all. However, what I said is that you don't want to become just that.

LegacyUser

I really hope I won't be friend-zoned - we were talking last night and I've agreed to tone down my mushiness, because I understand that she's just not used to it. The only problem is that I won't be able to see her again in person until next week sometime, because she's going away for the weekend with the college and will be back Monday, then she has some stuff to do (which I do too). I'm hopefully taking her out to dinner next week and to a movie, so thinking of asking her then. But I'm worried that if she says no, will it put a damper on things?

yungwan

OP you sound like a really nice guy, and I think its lovely that you feel comfortable expressing yourself to women. But can I be completly honest and give you some advice? You need to tone it down alot. Otherwise you run the risk of pushing her away as she may view you as being too pushy or full on.

She has already mentioned she doesnt like TOO much "mushiness". She is probably very flattered with your compliments etc but I dont think you should be too full on. After all you only met her in person 2 weeks ago.

Sometimes playing it a little cool is very attractive too. (And I dont mean cutting all contact and changing how you are), but maybe pull back slightly, let her enjoy her time with friends and see her when she gets back. Maybe a text every two days or that to say hi and arrange something for when she gets back.

If she is interested she will go out with you then.

Sonics2k

yungwan wrote: »

OP you sound like a really nice guy, and I think its lovely that you feel comfortable expressing yourself to women. But can I be completly honest and give you some advice? You need to tone it down alot. Otherwise you run the risk of pushing her away as she may view you as being too pushy or full on.

She has already mentioned she doesnt like TOO much "mushiness". She is probably very flattered with your compliments etc but I dont think you should be too full on. After all you only met her in person 2 weeks ago.

Sometimes playing it a little cool is very attractive too. (And I dont mean cutting all contact and changing how you are), but maybe pull back slightly, let her enjoy her time with friends and see her when she gets back. Maybe a text every two days or that to say hi and arrange something for when she gets back.

If she is interested she will go out with you then.

This sounds like the best advice.

Some people (including myself) simply don't like overly mushy or sweet partners, frankly it starts to do my head in and is a bit of a turn off.

There's nothing wrong with being nice and sweet to her, but don't overdo it or you run the risk of just coming across as a sap.

I'd advise you try and find out a bit more about the ex aswell, was he just a díck to her in general, or were there some other issues for why they broke. eg, does he have kids, get another girl pregnant, was he abusive, never worked, dirty.
If you can get the answers to that stuff, you can help yourself and how you communicate much easier.

LegacyUser

yungwan wrote: »

OP you sound like a really nice guy, and I think its lovely that you feel comfortable expressing yourself to women. But can I be completly honest and give you some advice? You need to tone it down alot. Otherwise you run the risk of pushing her away as she may view you as being too pushy or full on.

She has already mentioned she doesnt like TOO much "mushiness". She is probably very flattered with your compliments etc but I dont think you should be too full on. After all you only met her in person 2 weeks ago.

Sometimes playing it a little cool is very attractive too. (And I dont mean cutting all contact and changing how you are), but maybe pull back slightly, let her enjoy her time with friends and see her when she gets back. Maybe a text every two days or that to say hi and arrange something for when she gets back.

If she is interested she will go out with you then.

Oh, I am very wary of moving her away from her friends, it's the one thing I do not want to do and it's likely that over the weekend, while she's gone we won't be talking at all really. Mainly due to the fact that she'll be out of Ireland for the weekend, but also because I know she probably wouldn't be able to reply due to having stuff to do there.

When you say, "maybe a text every two days", do you mean over the weekend or when she's back? Thing is that we've been texting pretty much nonstop since the very beginning, so if you mean when she's back, it will only likely give across the impression that I've lost interest - so it's a bit of a double edged sword really.

We talked last night and she's explained that she's just not used to the mushiness - so I have agreed to tone it down and try not to tell her too many nice things, which is what it essentially boils down to - my telling her she looks pretty, that she is a really nice person, and so on and so forth. Though, if I'm honest, I'd regularly tell things like that to other friends too - "that's a really nice haircut", "you look nice today". But I'm going to be more aware of it now with her - really want to make the effort as I really think she is worth it

Like I said previously, I would never even try and be overpowering and take her away from her friends - that's just not who I am. Heck, even when she was doing stuff for this trip and wanted some advice, I asked her first if it was OK for me to because I knew it was her trip and I didn't want to impede on anything.

LegacyUser

Sonics2k wrote: »

I'd advise you try and find out a bit more about the ex aswell, was he just a díck to her in general, or were there some other issues for why they broke. eg, does he have kids, get another girl pregnant, was he abusive, never worked, dirty.
If you can get the answers to that stuff, you can help yourself and how you communicate much easier.

I've asked about him and as far as I'm aware, he just wasn't very affectionate, caring, never made time for her or asking her to do stuff and generally just a bit unemotive. Don't think he has any kids, or abusive, or got another girl dirty, but not sure about the dirty or the never worked.

I'm very much not a manly man, which she knows.

Sonics2k

New Relationship .. maybe wrote: »

I've asked about him and as far as I'm aware, he just wasn't very affectionate, caring, never made time for her or asking her to do stuff and generally just a bit unemotive. Don't think he has any kids, or abusive, or got another girl dirty, but not sure about the dirty or the never worked.

I'm very much not a manly man, which she knows.

Fair enough then.

As for being a manly man, well quite frankly a lot of women aren't that attracted to it, just like a lot of men don't really like the idea of getting Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie etc, so it's nothing to really worry about.

LegacyUser

I have been doing a lot of thinking and it really seems that she likes me as much as I like her, but I am still unsure as to whether or not she will say yes, so I was thinking that I might try and get in contact with her male best friend over Facebook, just explaining that I like her a lot and was thinking of asking her out, but am not sure as to whether or not she'll say yes.

They are very close so there's a strong possibility she may have said something or it might have been brought up. I would also ask him to keep it quiet until I get to do it - but he seems like a good guy and would keep it secret.

Would that be the wrong thing to do?

LegacyUser

you said your always holding hands and kissing and all her firends know the two of you are seeing each other. It doesnt sound like she has either friend-zoned you or would be particularly surprised if you asked for a date. She already knows you like her and apparently she likes you too. But as someone else has said, its only been two weeks, no need to rush anything.

Distorted

New Relationship .. maybe wrote: »

I have been doing a lot of thinking and it really seems that she likes me as much as I like her, but I am still unsure as to whether or not she will say yes, so I was thinking that I might try and get in contact with her male best friend over Facebook, just explaining that I like her a lot and was thinking of asking her out, but am not sure as to whether or not she'll say yes.

They are very close so there's a strong possibility she may have said something or it might have been brought up. I would also ask him to keep it quiet until I get to do it - but he seems like a good guy and would keep it secret.

Would that be the wrong thing to do?

Only if you're still in your teens or still at uni/college. But hey, who knows what swings people's boats? I would have said safest to get it from the horse's mouth (and less hassle, how do you have time for work and life in general with all this faffing around?)

The thing about over-complimenting someone in the first two weeks of a relationship is that, in that time, you don't really know the person that well. So with some people, you risk coming across as insincere. Earned compliments are often best interspersed with superficial ones. Its also well known that most nutters and over-clingy nightmare types (and this applies to both men and women) are the ones that go OTT in the initial stages of the relationship. Not saying this is you at all, but maybe its something she's thinking?

I'd also personally find your speculation and the conclusions your drawing from it on her previous relationship rather intrusive if I were her.

Pilgrim Soul

OP you are over thinking this. You are coming across as a little needy. You do seem like a very nice guy but maybe you are not confident enough. You seem to be desperate for this to work out, but try to relax and go with the flow, get to know this girl. Cut down on all the overanalysing (about her ex etc.) and orchestrating (Leave the friend out of it).
All the complimenting this early is insincere, you don't know her that well yet.

Faith

Oh my god, just ask her out. Seriously, reading your last post has made me cross, OP. I mean this in the nicest way - grow some balls! Your posts SCREAM insecurity and lacking in self-confidence, and they're two traits that are never attractive. You want her to say yes? Then just ask her. If she finds out you've been pestering her friends, I doubt she'd be too impressed. She'll either say yes or no, but either way you'll know and you've have kept your dignity. Just do it!

Sonics2k

Faith wrote: »

Oh my god, just ask her out. Seriously, reading your last post has made me cross, OP. I mean this in the nicest way - grow some balls! Your posts SCREAM insecurity and lacking in self-confidence, and they're two traits that are never attractive. You want her to say yes? Then just ask her. If she finds out you've been pestering her friends, I doubt she'd be too impressed. She'll either say yes or no, but either way you'll know and you've have kept your dignity. Just do it!

Inclined to support this.

You're completely over-thinking matters.
You said you've been seeing this girl a while now, well it's blatantly obvious she's interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't be seeing you at all!

sporina

OP - nothing more unattractive than insecurity and neediness indeed,.. get on with your own life..

do what ever it is that you would normally do for a date..

or surprise her - do something different..

show her your personality - not what you think she would like..

if i were this girl reading your posts I would run for the hills,... v v fast..