Schoolyard problems

LegacyUser

I am hoping that some of you might have been through this with your childrn already and have some sort of a solution here.
My son is 10 and loves football, but he is not very gud. My husband is not at all interested in it either. However, he plays football in the yard every day - there are alot of boys on teams (outside of school) in his class, and they obviously outplay him in the yard. We have talked about him joining a team, but he won't do it, no matter how hard i encourage him. He loves watching football, loves palying it in the yard but that's it...he doesn't tink he's good enough for a team (unfortunately, I would tend to agree with him :-(....)

Lately, he has been getting very upset going into school everyday - since xmas. i was almost convinced he was being bullied but ive finally gotten to the bottom of it. It turns out that hes never 'picked' for a team in the yard, and when he's allowed to play (as the last player) he never even gets to touch the ball. He says he spends yard time running after the ball but never gets it, and no one ever passes it to him. He did try to play in goal for a while, but he wasn't great at tat either so the 'captain' (another 10yr old) decided he shouldn't ever be in goal again.

so I know that this is normal school yard behavior and not something I can go to teacher about. Its also not something I can fix for him. But there have been tears from him (this morning) going into school and every night he gets quite anxious about yard time. I have constantly told him not to play football in yard, if this is what it's doing to him, but according to him, that's all there is to play (they are only allowed to play with their own class) and anyway, he really really wants to play it.

today we had quite an argument on the way to school and it ended with me threatening that I'd tell teacher to keep him in at yard time if he doesn't stop this complaining..of course, now I feel awful.

On the one hand, I really admire him for continuing to play day in, day out, despite being told he's a 'crap footballer' and being told never to go in goal again. And yet, I am also heartbroken for him that he is doing this to himself everyday.

Has anyone been through this with a child - i do remember my brother being the one who was never picked for sports stuff back in the day - it had a bad affect on him and he became quite a withdrawn teenager etc.

any ideas?

Morag

Take him to join your local kids team, bring him to have a kick about sometimes we have to make them do things and try them. This should bring up his confidence and eventually skills.

Michellenman

Where I live in Ireland there's a group which run a saturday morning (and summer camps too) football skills and general games group. It basically entails practising techniques and learning new skills, my cousins went to it and are still members. At the end of each session, there is a 20-ish minute match (the leaders pick the teams - not the players) and every gets a go of the ball. Not sure if I can give the name of the company who do it where I live (D 15) but you should check out if there's something similar in your area. I reckon the more relaxed atmosphere would help him with his confidence and because it's not all about winning a match or being the best on the pitch he might find it easier.

RedXIV

I'd agree with the above. Everyone gets nervous about joining a team/club. I remember being like that as a kid. And then once you join a club, after 2 sessions, you'll have completely forgotten what it is like to be nervous. Best thing you can do OP is have him play as an extra curricular activity, where they will nurture his skills as well as confidence.

common sense brigade

your post broke my heart! all i can suggest is you and your husband get out in the garden every night and practice like mad with him. make goalposts and see if you can get him any good at being in goals. bring his friends around and have let them alll play. but also encourage other interests in him, perhaps he might like writing about football, or photography etc. hope all works out ok. give him big hug tonight! another part of me thinks hold the coolest party imaginable for him and invite everyone except the lads who are leaving him out at football. underhand i know! but they are horrible and it would be good for them to realise what being left out feels like

LegacyUser

thanks for your replies.

Believe it or not, I have been kicking the ball around the back garden with him for about a year now (while hubby watches corrie!!)...
I have tried to get him to a team - I even brought him up to their training twice, once he wouldn't even get out of the car and the second time he did play it, but swore he wouldn't go back.
With the best will in the world, the child just has two left feet and is not going to have a sports career...he is very creative, artistic and all those other things, loves to read, has great friends on our road and outside of school. Hes quite a social kid.
It's just this school yard thing that seems to be his only issue at the moment. Two boys in his class play for U10 teams whos main team are in the irish premier league - they have been playing for years.

I encourage all his other activities, i really do. On saturdays he goes to arts/drama and also does taekwondo and boxing on other nights per week.

its just this damned football thing in the yard. I tried to explain to him that it's only 20 minutes of his day (x 2) and he really shouldn't let it bother him, but easy for me to say...when i saw the tears today, I almost left him off school.
I am tempted to even chat to teacher to see if she's come across this before and see how it can be resolved....i really don't think the child will ever come up to the level of his peers in football...im not saying that's a bad thing, as he is great at loads of other stuff, but its causing him major problems at the moment.
Another regret I have that I didn't send him to a mixed school!

CrazyRabbit

A few things...

It turns out that hes never 'picked' for a team in the yard, and when he's allowed to play (as the last player) he never even gets to touch the ball. He says he spends yard time running after the ball but never gets it, and no one ever passes it to him

That is a form of bullying. Exclusion is indirect bullying.

they are only allowed to play with their own class

That school policy is idiotic at best and harmful to your son (and every other child in the school).

Now, to address the actual problem....your son isn't the most athletic kid in the class. Well, as posted above, you could get him signed up with the local football team. It would help improve his skills, but he could end up in the same situation of being shunned by the other players. Some people just aren't good at sports (myself included).

Another approach would be to contact the school to ensure that there are multiple activities available for the children during yard time. Limiting the activities to just 1 physical sport is not in the best interests of all students.

Lastly,

today we had quite an argument on the way to school and it ended with me threatening that I'd tell teacher to keep him in at yard time if he doesn't stop this complaining..of course, now I feel awful.

You need to apologise to your son for that threat. It wasn't helpful and you were dismissing what is a really serious problem from his point of view. How can he trust you after that? When I was a kid, my parents dismissed similarly important issues (from my point of view as a kid), and I grew to believe that they couldn't help me with problems, so I never told them when I was having a hard time & needed support. Don't let this happen to your son.

Your son needs support and he needs a lot of positive reinforcement...or he may up end believing that he is useless. Remember that kids find it hard to see the big picture and tend to focus on the little things, which right now is his inability to compete with his peers equally).
I'd also suggest helping him to find something he is good at. Perhaps a hobby, or a different kind of sport/activity that suits him. He helps to keep perspective.

Good luck to you and your son.

Soccer Mom

I agree with the others OP. I know you've been trying desperately to get him on a team outside school, but this is really the way to go. The reason why he is refusing is because his confidence is after taking a serious knock since this has been going on quite a while. Kids can say some of the most hurtful things to one another.

Start from scratch. Why don't you go and talk to one one of the local team managers, and explain your sons situation. I think he'd be quite happy to let him train with the other boys, and partake in the matches when he feels confident enough. Sit your son down, and say there's a new plan. Tell him that you want him to try it a couple of times and if he likes it he can stay on, if not he can stop if he wishes. The boys in your sons class have an advantage over him, they are being taught skills and the training improves their stamina and in turn their game confidence.

I have two boys myself (7 & 9), and while they mightn't be the best themselves, its great to see them getting involved with the other boys, doing something that is keeping them fit, and getting them off their playstation for a bit!


Best of luck to you and your son OP


Edit: I just seen your post about having already tried him with training. I'd give it another go with him. He's going to have to give into it if he wants to persevere with playing with the boys in the yard, he's tormenting himself otherwise!

LegacyUser

I will apologise to him the second I get home - I have felt awful all day. But the truth is he gets very upset most mornings lately and I am always in a rush to get to work when the tears begin at the school gate...that sounds awful i know, but my husband is out of work at the moment so its very important that im not late for work.

I will have a good chat with him tonight - i really will, and i had never thought that exclusion in the yard was a form of bullying. I always thought that because he actually got to play the game (even though he gets picked last - in fact he doesn't get picked at all - he says he just happens to be the last kid left at the wall and joins the team that has to pick next...god my heart is broken) he was being included.

I will also get to the school early tomorrow and talk to the teacher.

The schools policy is that each class can only play with each other - I also think it's a ridiculus policy but doubt anything I say will change it. its an all boys school and each class gets a different coloured ball to play with at yard time. Ive often been at the school at yard time and it's mayhem - I dont know why they give them footballs at all or how they control a yard with over 200 boys kicking footballs....

Shekira

I think having a chat with the teacher is the way to go.

My hubby coaches kids and when picking teams at training he often appoints the weaker players as captains....it's good for their confidence and it also means that they're not the one left standing waiting to be picked. Depending on how many children are in involved you could suggest that each child gets a chance to be captain for a day...like say Tommy & Alan are captains every Monday, Conor and Sean every Tuesday etc etc

It wouldn't do your husband any harm to get up off his ar*e rather than watching corrie and kick the ball around with him either.....I know he's not interested in football but that's not a good enough excuse!

byhookorbycrook

Each class only playing together is not totally idiotic, esp if each class has their own ball.It means that there is no rowing over who owns what ball and stops interclass rivalry and rows.
It's is not bullying if he is picked last, but it's not fair either.

I'm not sure how the teacher can change this,except to pick teams before they go out on yard. Letting children choose teams always mean someone gets chosen last, so a system where the teacher assigns the letters a/b at random and all the a children are one team and the b the other is one way out, but can lead to one side being much better than the other and rows too.

CrazyRabbit

unregistered wrote: »

I also think it's a ridiculus policy but doubt anything I say will change it.

It's because most parents have that same belief that stupid policies like this remain. It'll never change until parents start complaining about it.

My friends 8 year old is in a school were physical contact of any kind with another child (shaking hands, playing tag, etc) was punishable by suspension from school. My friend met some of the other parents during a parent/teacher meeting, and discussed it. After 11 complaints from parents, the policy was amended.

LegacyUser

well i had a chat with him earlier and today was as bad as ever. He didn't get picked,no one wanted him on their team...he said he fell during the game but pretended his injury was worse than it actually was, just so teacher would send him back to class. He then went to one of the boys bday parties after school (bowling and mcds) and had a great time. Like I said, he gets on well in school with most of his class - doesn't really have a 'best friend' now, as him and the one child who he 'played' with from junior infants grew apart - this boy is crazy about star trek and star wars and space these days, none of which interest my lad. Anyway, he gets on well with the boys so had a great time at the party, but found yard difficult again.

I am gonna chat with teacher in the morning, and also ask some other parents how their boys feel about yard time.

My husband, in fairness, brings him to all his other activities and is very 'hands on' with him. However, he was never into football himself as a child, and still isn't, so keeps telling him not to mind the boys who won't let him play. I grew up with brothers who were football mad (except for the one brother) so I completely understand what's going on with him. My son watched the Arsenal match in his room last night while we watched the soaps downstairs..some women think I'm lucky that my hubby isn't into soccer...I'm not so sure ;-)

Orion

Crazy Rabbit is right. I've been on both the Board of Management and PA Committee of a primary school so I can see this from both sides. Raise the policy at the next PA meeting and see what happens. Boards do listen to parents.

This is, of course more long term. In the short term you could suggest to the teacher byhookorbycrook's option.

smelltheglove

When I was a teenager I used to take care of my little brother a lot, I dont have parenting skills of this as mine are girls but I remember my bro had a similar issue with hurling. He was a great footballer but just couldnt get the hurling and used to get upset going to his training although my dad really encouraged him and he would go he didnt like it. So to tackle this I agreed that every day I would take him to the green and practice, try to teach him. Every day we would go and every day he got better, bit by bit he started to enjoy going.

So you may not know a lot but a little kick about could work wonders. If only you could convince your hubbie to do it as its a great father son thing to do.

BostonB

He'll only get better with practice. You can do that in a number of ways. Find a team, that rotates all players regardless of skill. Some do this. Also being fitter, faster etc, will counter balance (a bit) having lesser skills. So if he does other sports, like gymnastics, or tennis will help with coordination and stop starts.

The only way to get skills is practise kicking a ball as much as possible, against a wall or on a course in the garden.

LegacyUser

Just an update - I had a word with the teacher this morning. I must say she was just brilliant (she's a great teacher anyway).

She wasn't really aware that he had been having the issues in yard, as he's doing really well in school in general.

She did say there are a few (3) boys who are extremely competitive in the yard, (who always end up on the same team in yard) and she spends about 5 minutes after every yard break, trying to calm them down with their talk of who won, how many goals were scored and who was better than who etc. She admitted that as the mother of 3 girls herself, she finds the whole football thing quite daunting lol.

so she said she'd have a chat with a few of the male teachers in school today to see how they would handle this - I was keen to point out that I know this is not something she can 'fix' necessarily, but that I was just making her aware that it was happening.

She also said (on my advice) that she'd google FIFA fair play and have a chat with them about it today (they recently got an interactive white board, and this is one occassion where being able to access something she has no clue about, was a great advantage she said). She also said she would have a word about fair play in general and said she might introduce a reward scheme (stickers) for when they come in from yard and report back about the level of fair play in the game...I also told about my own fella's idea, that she could perhaps whisper a number to each boy as they walk out the door - then the 'pickers' just pick numbers as opposed to people. She thought this was a great idea and said she will try it today...I'm not sure it's something she could do everyday, but the fact that she's open to solving this issue was great.

And lastly, she said that playing football amongst their own class (only) works really well for each class, because it keeps them in groups in the yard and they are much easier to supervise...

so thanks for advice everyone - it really helped. Im also going to bring him down to the local team for training tomorrow night and see how that goes...I'll keep my eye on this of course, but was very pleased with the teachers reaction.

BostonB

There always some kids or adults who'll treat every bit of football like its life or death, even if its a casual kick about. A bunch of us used to play football for years in school yard with a tennis ball. I think it helped a lot with skills. I always tended to stay away from the football fanatics myself. They always pick their own even if some of them wouldn't be that great themselves.

I've seen a lot of dire players, especially kids, move to be ok players, through practise, and fitness.

LegacyUser

OP here..Just a bit more feedback.

He had a great day yesterday :-D.

The teacher had a good chat with them about 'fair play'. She also got one of the male teachers, who used to play for LOI back in the day, to come into the class and talk in more detail! He couldn't remember the exact details of what was said, but the general message was 'fair play' for all.

So on the way out to yard, the teacher nominated two boys to be the 'pickers' and my lad was one of them. She said she'd nominate two boys each day as they leave the classroom...

So himself said that although he still didn't get much of a touch of the ball yesterday (which will come with time, I know!) that even he could see that the ball was passed around much, much more and that it wasn't the usual 3 boys getting the ball and running up the yard with it.

So all in all, a result I believe! No tears or moaning this morning...just guesswork about who will be today's pickers...thanks again.

Orion

Delighted it's working out.

This is a perfect example of how a teacher can only deal with a problem when made aware of it. They're not mind-readers and some issues don't present in school only at home. Add that to the teacher engaging and you've got a win-win situation.

LegacyUser

thank you macro, you are SO right.

When I came to boards about this, i genuinely thought this wasn't an issue that the teacher could sort at all - it wasn't 'bullying' in the 'normal' sense - i thought this type of stuff in the schoolyard was just something my boy would have to deal with. That's why I came here, in the hope that someone else might have been through it.

She is a genuinely great teacher. We had a very bad experience with the worst teacher in Ireland in 2nd class, and it had a very bad impact on my son. Even I became more reluctant to approach her myself, she was the worst teacher I have ever had the displeasure to deal with. We have had this teacher for 2yrs now and the change in him is incredible.

pickarooney

Sounds like things are really improving, for all the boys and not just your son. Good on you, OP.

As regards his improving at the game, it might be worth focussing on the lesser-known skills such as tackling, long throw-ins, defensive headers - anything that if he concentrates on he could become one of the better players at