Am I gay?

letsbehonest

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old male. I have never kissed a girl or guy. However I have never felt attracted girls at all. Apart from I was seven or eight and I thought you were meant to like girls. When I reached around 13 I started looking at guys and I felt attracted to them . These are guys on tv, papers and around town/school. The thing is I don't I don't want to be gay and I sort of feel it's wrong. I also feel that I wouldn't fit into the into the gay community due to being ugly. So am I gay?

Dr. Baltar

letsbehonest wrote: »

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old male. I have never kissed a girl or guy. However I have never felt attracted girls at all. Apart from I was seven or eight and I thought you were meant to like girls. When I reached around 13 I started looking at guys and I felt attracted to them . These are guys on tv, papers and around town/school. The thing is I don't I don't want to be gay and I sort of feel it's wrong. I also feel that I wouldn't fit into the into the gay community due to being ugly. So am I gay?

You're 18 and you're young. You could be gay, you could be bisexual, you could even be asexual. Regardless of what you are, you need to look after yourself firstly and do what makes you happy.

At the age you're at, you may be going to college or you may be starting it soon. This is the perfect opportunity to explore your sexuality, and regardless of what conclusion you come to, it isn't "wrong". Just be yourself.

As for the ugly comment, don't be ridiculous! Attraction is based on someone's personal preference. Some people like the skinny emo looking guy, others like the guy over 40 who's really hairy and overweight.

There's someone out there for you and as I mentioned before, you're young. Don't worry and go with the flow!

deirdre_dub

letsbehonest wrote: »

Well to begin with I am an 18 year old male. I have never kissed a girl or guy. However I have never felt attracted girls at all. Apart from I was seven or eight and I thought you were meant to like girls. When I reached around 13 I started looking at guys and I felt attracted to them . These are guys on tv, papers and around town/school. The thing is I don't I don't want to be gay and I sort of feel it's wrong. I also feel that I wouldn't fit into the into the gay community due to being ugly. So am I gay?

The good news is that there is one person here who can give you that answer. The bad news is that there is only one person who can give you that answer, and that person is you.

It seems to me that there are two issues that need to be sorted out in your head first. The first of these issues is your feeling that gay is "sort of wrong". That is what is called in psychology as "internalised homophobia". Repeat after me - there is nothing wrong with being gay. You also say that you don't want to be gay. Well, I don't want to be transgender (contrary to popular belief, I don't "want to be a woman" - I've discovered that I am a woman, and so I have to take appropriate action). But not wanting to be gay isn't going to change your sexuality if you are gay - if you are gay, at some stage, it's going to become too difficult to keep it under wraps.

The second issue you need to sort out is your image of yourself as "ugly". First of all, there are plenty of butt-ugly guys in the gay community. Second, there are guys out there for whom beauty isn't the most important thing. Third, we usually underestimate our own beauty.

So - how do you get that one person who can answer your question to answer it? My recommendation would be to socialise in gay spaces. That doesn't necessarily mean going to your local gay bar - it could mean going to a gay community centre. Pretty much everyone you will meet has gone through, or is going through, in their own way, what you are going through.

Good luck.

letsbehonest

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

You're 18 and you're young. You could be gay, you could be bisexual, you could even be asexual. Regardless of what you are, you need to look after yourself firstly and do what makes you happy.

At the age you're at, you may be going to college or you may be starting it soon. This is the perfect opportunity to explore your sexuality, and regardless of what conclusion you come to, it isn't "wrong". Just be yourself.

As for the ugly comment, don't be ridiculous! Attraction is based on someone's personal preference. Some people like the skinny emo looking guy, others like the guy over 40 who's really hairy and overweight.

There's someone out there for you and as I mentioned before, you're young. Don't worry and go with the flow!

Thanks! I would love to be with a guy honestly I do. I however don't feel don't know where to go to meet guys and belong to won't work because I know people that goes there and I want to keep it a secret for a while longer. If I ever meet a guy I would like to go out with them for a while and then have sex. Sleeping around and one night stands are just not my thing. My brother is gay and he is nearly 30 and he has never being in a long term relationship he just meets guys of the net for sex and this is a very negative image of gay people for me and it just seems wrong to me.
I am quite small and not over weight. I am not thin tough. I have black curly hair that I love having because it id kind of different. However It isn't really attractive looking.

Wolfe Tone

Only you can answer, I suggest socializing more with the opposite sex.

mikemac

You're young at 18

Get out and about, head out with your friends and try to expand your social circle.
You'll meet more people and figure this out for yourself

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Only you can answer, I suggest socializing more with the opposite sex.

Insofar as it would strengthen his feelings of non-attraction to the opposite sex, I presume? In which case, it would probably be more productive to socialise in gay spaces, though getting counselling to deal with the internalised homophobia and self-image issues might also be a good idea.

Wolfe Tone

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Insofar as it would strengthen his feelings of non-attraction to the opposite sex, I presume? In which case, it would probably be more productive to socialise in gay spaces, though getting counselling to deal with the internalised homophobia and self-image issues might also be a good idea.

Considering his age and the fact he has never kissed a girl I assume he doesnt associate that much with the opposite sex, might be an idea to change that, even just to confirm how he feels.
He should, as feelingsressed said, get out more and get to know more people before labeling himself as one thing or another, it wouldn't be good to convince himself that he is something. Socialize more in a pressure free environment, ie regular nightclubs and see what happens. Seen as he is having difficulty and is probably vulnerable I dont see how throwing him into the alien and undoubtedly uncomfortable(for him) environment of say a gay bar, community center etc is a good idea, considering he would be on his own and who knows who he could meet.

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Considering his age and the fact he has never kissed a girl I assume he doesnt associate that much with the opposite sex, might be an idea to change that, even just to confirm how he feels.

If someone hasn't spent much time socialising with one gender or the other, then yes, that could be something to look at. However, kissing someone you aren't attracted to just to confirm your feelings makes as much sense as a straight guy kissing another guy who he isn't attracted to just to ensure he isn't gay. I think we all have a good idea what it will be like to kiss someone before we actually do it.

He should, as feelingsressed said, get out more and get to know more people before labeling himself as one thing or another, it wouldn't be good to convince himself that he is something. Socialize more in a pressure free environment, ie regular nightclubs and see what happens. Seen as he is having difficulty and is probably vulnerable I dont see how throwing him into the alien and undoubtedly uncomfortable(for him) environment of say a gay bar, community center etc is a good idea, considering he would be on his own and who knows who he could meet.

I think he knows his limits better than you or I do. If socialising in a gay space is too much, then it won't happen. However, if it doesn't happen due to internalised homophobia, or due to self-image problems, then that is something else that needs to be looked at.

Wolfe Tone

deirdre_dub wrote: »

If someone hasn't spent much time socialising with one gender or the other, then yes, that could be something to look at. However, kissing someone you aren't attracted to just to confirm your feelings makes as much sense as a straight guy kissing another guy who he isn't attracted to just to ensure he isn't gay. I think we all have a good idea what it will be like to kiss someone before we actually do it.
.

I said socialize

I think he knows his limits better than you or I do. If socialising in a gay space is too much, then it won't happen. However, if it doesn't happen due to internalised homophobia, or due to self-image problems, then that is something else that needs to be looked at.

I don't think its fair to say that, the clear implication to the lad is that if he doesn't go he hates gays and by going he will conquer his self image problems(which I bet are down to a lack of confidence, and the fact he is 18 and hasn't kissed anyone when no doubt near all of his friends have)

All I am saying is that he should socialize more in a comfortable setting, I don't think from reading his posts he would be comfortable going to a gay bar etc, and I would be wary of telling him to go there when he would be,

1. Alone, he is hardly going to bring his mates(most lad that age wouldn't be seen near a gay bar for a variety of reasons, lets not get into them!)although if he has female friends he could bring some of them.(I see he has a gay brother, he should talk to him really, although they mightn't be close etc))

2. Vulnerable, he is at a young age and is very unsure and confused, he needs to be careful he is not taken advantage of.

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

I don't think its fair to say that, the clear implication to the lad is that if he doesn't go he hates gays

That is not what I said at all. Actually, what I said was the opposite. (And I'm having flashbacks to a certain After Hours discussion that you and I were involved in where the opposite of what I said kept being thrown back at me).

What I suggested was that internalised homophobia (i.e. "I sort of feel it's wrong") might be the reason why gay spaces are difficult - not that not going to gay spaces is a sign of homophobia. There are tons of people who never set foot in a gay space, and very few of them do so for homophobic reasons. :rolleyes:

and by going he will conquer his self image problems(which I bet are down to a lack of confidence, and the fact he is 18 and hasn't kissed anyone when no doubt near all of his friends have)

I hadn't kissed anyone when I was 18 either, and it was because I didn't know who to kiss, as I didn't understand gender. It was only when I understood what my gender is (which I learned through socialising on the Dublin transgender scene) that I understood who I prefer to kiss.

I would be wary of telling him to go there when he would be ... vulnerable, he is at a young age and is very unsure and confused, he needs to be careful he is not taken advantage of.

The implication being that gay spaces are full of people who are ready to take advantage of young men?

No - gay spaces are full of people who are loving, caring, protective and understanding, and who understand the kinds of struggles that this young man is going through. If he truly isn't gay, then that will very quickly indeed become apparent as he socialises with people who are.

Wolfe Tone

The implication being that gay spaces are full of people who are ready to take advantage of young men?

No - gay spaces are full of people who are loving, caring, protective and understanding, and who understand the kinds of struggles that this young man is going through. If he truly isn't gay, then that will very quickly indeed become apparent as he socialises with people who are.

It is frighteningly naive to suggest that such people arent out there and he shouldnt be wary.

Gay people arent all nice people, would be idiotic to say otherwise.

So you feel it is a good idea to send a confused, vulnerable lad off alone to a gay bar/whatever as they are all loving caring people without even warning him? For shame. Not only is that irresponsible its dangerous too.

if it doesn't happen due to internalised homophobia, or due to self-image problems

Its clear that that is putting pressure on the lad to go and try and prove to himself that it is not either of those reasons.

All I am suggesting he does is go and socialize more and not go rushing into anything, and to be careful and not go alone.

PJelly

If you're interested in the gay community but a bit apprehensive about going on a "gay" night out and not knowing anyone. You should go to a youth group like Belong To (theres probably others but thats the only one I can think of) or if you're in college, go to a LGBT soc meeting or two. To ease yourself into it and see if you really do have feelings for men.

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

It is frighteningly naive to suggest that such people arent out there and he shouldnt be wary.

Indeed. Straight spaces are dangerous places for a young vulnerable man to be. He needs to remember that as he goes searching for a girl that he isn't attracted to to kiss to see if that answers his sexual orientation questions.

Gay people arent all nice people, would be idiotic to say otherwise.

Straight people are, in my experience, on the whole, even less nice. I've never received a threat of violence from a gay person for being who and what I am.

So you feel it is a good idea to send a confused, vulnerable lad off alone to a gay bar/whatever as they are all loving caring people without even warning him? For shame. Not only is that irresponsible its dangerous too.

So you feel that it is OK to warn him about the dangers of going to a gay space without pointing out that straight spaces have exactly the same dangers? For shame. Not only is that irresponsible and dangerous, it is also prejudicial.

Actually, some straight spaces have extra dangers for someone who is questioning whether they are gay.

Its clear that that is putting pressure on the lad to go and try and prove to himself that it is not either of those reasons.

Well, you are the one who seems to believe that all he needs is a kiss from a girl that he isn't attracted to!

If I'm not mistaken, attraction is the thing that generates the kiss, not the other way around.

All I am suggesting he does is go and socialize more and not go rushing into anything, and to be careful and not go alone.

I am suggesting exactly the same thing, except in gay spaces. Except, just as there are straight spaces where it is safe to go on your own, there are also plenty of gay spaces where it is safe to go on your own, believe it or not!!!

ninty9er

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Straight people are, in my experience, on the whole, even less nice. I've never received a threat of violence from a gay person for being who and what I am.

What a ridiculous statement. How do you know you've never been threatened by a gay person? The only way to know that is if you've never been threatened.

Anyhow, back on topic.

Up to you OP, whether you're gay or not could take you a long time to figure out. Took me almost 6 years to finally get it. I questioned it for a long time, but it took almost 6 years for me to finally tell myself and others that I'm gay.

Don't make an issue of it and other people won't.

Fago!

letsbehonest wrote: »

I also feel that I wouldn't fit into the into the gay community due to being ugly.

Ahaha that's adorable! The only community you wouldn't fit into would be that of a bunch of 8 year olds. OP nobody's that prick-ish to outcast someone because of their looks. and you're probably just being harsh on yourself, any bets yer a stud.

As for you being gay, if you're attracted to men, and not women, chances are, yer gay. as someone suggested, go to a gay night or buzz to any gaybar in town. Only you can find out if you're gay. and if you do find out you're gay, waheeeeey up and at'em!!! Don't be upset or ashamed. Embrace it. Don't hide or be afraid to be who YOU are. As someone (Wilde I thinkz ) said "Be yourself, everyone else is taken"

Wolfe Tone

deirdre_dub wrote: »

Indeed. Straight spaces are dangerous places for a young vulnerable man to be. He needs to remember that as he goes searching for a girl that he isn't attracted to to kiss to see if that answers his sexual orientation questions.

Point out where I said he should do that, or else stop being a liar. He would have his mates with him, a major difference.

Straight people are, in my experience, on the whole, even less nice. I've never received a threat of violence from a gay person for being who and what I am.
So you feel that it is OK to warn him about the dangers of going to a gay space without pointing out that straight spaces have exactly the same dangers? For shame. Not only is that irresponsible and dangerous, it is also prejudicial.

You have the nerve to call me prejudiced? While saying that?

You are suggesting he go off alone and ask complete strangers in some club for help. Im saying he should go out and socialize more with his mates.

Well, you are the one who seems to believe that all he needs is a kiss from a girl that he isn't attracted to!

More bullsh!t.

deirdre_dub

ninty9er wrote: »

What a ridiculous statement. How do you know you've never been threatened by a gay person? The only way to know that is if you've never been threatened.

I didn't say that I've never been threatened by a gay person. I said I've never been threatened by a gay person for being who and what I am. :rolleyes:

How do I know that they weren't gay? Because their perception of my sexuality was part of the threat against me.

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Point out where I said he should do that, or else stop being a liar. He would have his mates with him, a major difference.

We're getting personal this Thursday morning, aren't we? :rolleyes: Trying to upset me by calling me a liar, are we?

Wolfe Tone wrote:

Considering his age and the fact he has never kissed a girl I assume he doesnt associate that much with the opposite sex, might be an idea to change that, even just to confirm how he feels.

Now if I misinterpreted what you meant by that, then, well, guess what? Such misinterpretations are common on the internet - get over it!

You are suggesting he go off alone and ask complete strangers in some club for help.

There are other types of gay spaces than "clubs" but, yes, sometimes we need to ask complete strangers for help. I mean, he's come on here and asked complete strangers for help!

Im saying he should go out and socialize more with his mates.

And I'm saying that he should try and expand his circle of mates.

deirdre_dub

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

You have the nerve to call me prejudiced? While saying that?

While saying what, exactly? While pointing out my experiences with some straight people? That isn't prejudice - that's observation. Prejudice is a conclusion that is arrived at without observation.

My observation is that I've been threatened for being who and what I am by some straight people, and never by gay people. Hence I conclude that, on the whole, in my experience, straight people are less nice than gay people. Of course, there is huge individual variance, which is why I use the phrase on the whole. The top half-dozen people in my life who love me the most are all straight, for instance.

bodice ripper

When I was 18 I was sure I was gay. I was wrong, and I do *wish* I hadn't written men off the way I did - it made my life complex later on. It took me years and years to come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual.

I am not suggesting this is the case with the op, but if I were him I would be wary of other people seeming certain of his orientation. they don't know either. I also wouldn't go to a gay bar alone - not because it is dangerous per se but because you may find being hit on overwhelming.

I think this talk of "straight spaces" being dangerous to an 18 year old lad is daft.

Rick_

letsbehonest wrote: »

I have black curly hair that I love having because it id kind of different. However It isn't really attractive looking.

Oh, I love curly hair on guys, especially if there is a bit of length to it...!

KnifeWRENCH

letsbehonest wrote: »

Sleeping around and one night stands are just not my thing. My brother is gay and he is nearly 30 and he has never being in a long term relationship he just meets guys of the net for sex and this is a very negative image of gay people for me and it just seems wrong to me.

Ok, two things you need to remember here:

1. You are not your brother. He can live his life whatever way he wants to, and you should live yours whatever way you want to. You don't have to follow his example if you don't want to.

2. Your brother is not representative of all gay people. Not everyone is into one-night stands or meeting online for sex. If that's not your thing (and believe me, I know why; I really don't understand it either) there's absolutely no problem with that.

You say you find guys attractive and would like to be a relationship with one. Which indicates you are very likely to be gay. However, even if you are gay that doesn't mean you will be forever! Sexuality is a very fluid thing and it can change. It's not like you're given a lot of boxes (gay, straight, bi, asexual etc.), told to pick one and stay in that category forever! And if you are gay, it's important to realise that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're still the same person.

Also, you're only 18. You've plenty of time ahead of you to figure out what it is you want. And as for feeling unattractive, all I can say here is that so many people out there feel the exact same way about themselves! the thing to realise is that there's no universal standard of "attractiveness"; one person's idea of what unattractive is is another person's idea of attractive.

rainbow kirby

Wolfe Tone, deirdre_dub - don't get personal.

normaldude

Rainbow Kirby you are the moderator on here, you say deirdre above is been personal maybe she is, but she entitled to be others on here have been too (in my opinion she is just giving her view point).

But may I ask why a women is the moderator on here? when it seems most of the replies are from gay men? Also i dont understand why you closed my thrend on why there is not a separate forum for gay only issues........

bodice ripper

I for one welcome our indignant gay male overlords.....

Wolfe Tone

normaldude wrote: »

Rainbow Kirby you are the moderator on here, you say deirdre above is been personal maybe she is, but she entitled to be others on here have been too (in my opinion she is just giving her view point).

But may I ask why a women is the moderator on here? when it seems most of the replies are from gay men? Also i dont understand why you closed my thrend on why there is not a separate forum for gay only issues........

How does her sex matter?

Just a fyi, I am not gay.

rainbow kirby

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

How does her sex matter?

It doesn't.

Normaldude - if you have a problem with moderator decisions, please send a PM, do not derail another thread.