How does Bullying affect you as an Adult if Indeed it does at all?

LegacyUser

Curious Guys. Not a bitter guy or anything but I was bullied for all my primary school life. Secondary School was BLISS more or less.
Primary School was made up of 8 hours of
Physical and mental abuse, being hit by the main bullies kicked etc, things taken from me. Made fun of. Even valentines cards and love letters being planted in my bag that i had written to my gay class lover . Usual silly juvenile crap. I was even walked home by a bully who would pull my hair and hit me right up to my door. I went to 4 different primaries all in really really bad areas. Same happened everywhere.
I remember Vividly their names and even the visuals like it was yesterday im mid 30s so this is 20 odd years ago.
Does bullying affect you as an adult? I cant hand on heart say YES I AM SHY OR WITHDRAWN BECAUSE I WAS BULLIED
My mum tells me I was allways quite a shy soft young kid. Thats part of the reason I was bullied I guess being the soft target.
Does bullying have long term affects?
I do notice when I get angry i go absolutly beserk and punch myself like i mean ANGRY.
Anyone think the way they are now is partly a result of being bullied as a kid?

Azureus

I think it completely depends on the extent of the bullying and the type of person that you are. Your childhood experiences affect everybody, but to different degrees.

I was bullied as a child, mainly in primary school but also in secondary, to an extent. The usual stuff; name calling, being excluded, rumours spreading.. Im not going to deny that that didnt hurt me, but it did shape a huge part of my personality today. I had the ugly duckling complex I suppose, growing up I was overweight, suffered badly with acne and was quite withdrawn. Now, I dont have any of those issues anymore and people treat me completely differently, but I will always remember how it felt to be 'that girl'. I have no time for people who disrespect others or especially liars, I have seen how destructive they can be. I have a degree of empathy I would not have had if it wasnt for my experiences with nasty people and bullies. I think my personality developed a lot more than many of my peers because I was forced to rely on that, rather than on my looks, and for this I am thankful. I do absolutely HATE being alone though, and I dont know where this stems from. In all other aspects of my life I am fiercely independent, but when the groups of people leave I do still have that insecurity that I would never show anybody apart from my closest friend and my boyfriend and its something that I am quite embarassed about. I reckon its probably from the constant exclusions that I put up with when I was younger and I dont want to ever go back to that place.

To put it in short, I guess bullying will inevitably affect your adult self, but you have to make a concious choice to not let it remain a negative in your life. Theres a flipside to everything and if anything those years have made me a stronger and better person.

MysticalSoul

Personally, I feel bullying does affect us as adults. I was bullied for most of my school days, both primary and secondary. In many ways, I felt I never had a chance to just be me, as some of the bullies from primary were in my class in secondary, some of it was the usual name calling, exclusion etc, but was also physical too. From my experience girls can be just as physical as boys when they want to be. It had the impact of ending up in work situations where I was bullied too, and it took a lot of hard work to come out the other side. I do feel I have learned a lot from the experiences, but it took me a long time to feel like I am walking my own path, knowing where I am going, without feeling intimidated by colleagues etc.

greengiant09

it definitely does affect your personality and impacts on your adult life. like yourself, it happened to me...albeit only for about 2 years but those 2 years seemed like a life time back then. people go on about hell and whether it exists, well i can tell you those 2 years were hell to me.

despite these things happening to me around 15 years a go....it definitely left some unhealed wounds. i thought when i hit my twenties, i had gotten over it but on closer self reflection, i began to realise that it had left some major wounds which i needed to look after.

the major problem it left was social anxiety....an anxiety disorder where u get anxious in certain social situations....speaking in front of groups, etc.....i had developed a negative association in my head of being the centre of attention.

i started doing cbt and i have addressed a lot of these issues and made major improvements to my life. it's kind of like a journey which i'm still on. doing cbt made me notice that my self-esteem had suffered badly as a result of the bullying....i also had issues with perfectionism (trying to do everything right to please others), self-acceptance and assertiveness.

i have a hell of a temper like yourself....i think it's a result of surpressed emotions. bullied people tend not to voice their feelings (lack of assertiveness) which leaves them boiling beneath the surface. something will then trigger it causing them to erupt.

i think though in some ways it was a good thing in the overall scheme of things. it made me who i am today...a lot of it good. i think you need to start viewing it this way. if you can go through that, you can go through anything. i reckon if i hadn't been bullied, i would have been soft, vunerable and delicate. so its not like everything would have been perfect otherwise.

i suggest looking into cbt if it is still causing you problems in your everyday life and take heart in that a lot of well known artists and successful people were bullied as kids. eminem is an example. it can inspire you to achieve more....

good luck

LegacyUser

I was bullied in school as well. Not to the extent that you were but enough to hurt. I went to an all girls primary school so it took the form of other girls sneering at me. When I got to 11 or 12 I learned how to stand up for myself better - I developed a sharp tongue. Some personal comments and some wallops with a schoolbag cured the worst of my tormentors.

If I think about it though, it has scarred me to some extent. I'm 37 now and while I do have a small group of good friends, I do suffer from some sort of social anxiety. I find it hard to socialise and rarely go out on a Saturday night, for example. I worry that I'm not good enough, that people won't like me but I don't have the anger issues thankfully.

Something which is starting to descend on me like a cloud is the realisation that I'm not getting any younger, I'm probably not going to have kids and my chances of meeting Mr Right have diminished enormously. Eve if I did socialise. It's breaking my heart to type this and I feel so so lonely.

I've also been bullied in the workplace. The funny thing is that I'm very good at my job and get on really well with my workmates. Except for one co-worker who's a woman and who has been psychologically bullying me. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it better if I hadn't been bullied in school but I can feel myself crumbling inside.

thefeatheredcat

spiritsixteen wrote: »

Anyone think the way they are now is partly a result of being bullied as a kid?

I can completely relate to Azureus as had much the same experience.

From my own experience, yes the way I am now has been shaped by being bullied as a kid. and as an adult. I've been bullied in workplaces too, mainly exclusion and rumours spread about me, which were unjustified and stemmed from other people's inadequacy and jealousy..

If you dwell too much on the experience of being bullied, it can only take you down a negative path in blaming yourself and treating yourself badly.

You do have a choice to rise above it, and make yourself a better person than those who acted out in bullying behaviour.

I probably wouldn't be as kind to people and others, with a great sense of compassion and empathy for others if I hadn't been treated so badly by others growing up and in later life. I also wouldn't have half the confidence and self esteem that I've had to fight for and wouldn't have as much ambition as I do now.

It certainly did shape me, but in much better ways than it could have. I learned never to stoop to that level and to treat others better as a result, but have the wisdom to see the people who can behave in bullying fashion and not have much to do with them as a result.

LegacyUser

What a good question.

I was out for lunch with a friend awhile back, & I confided in her that I'd been bullied as a child. She responded: 'So that's why you're always so nice.' which sounds lovely but what it means is that acceptance by my friends has been terribly important to me - the positive is that I've got a solid bunch of friends. The negative is that, like the others here, I've got a ferocious temper, or at least I did in my 20s, which is what happens if you've learned assertiveness the hard way.

OP I'm also mid-30s though female. I was bullied and excluded in school for about ten years. People who I've mentioned this too have often looked at me like I've 2 heads - they don't see that in me now because I'm outwardly very socially successful & I am now assertive. But I'll always know, and I can see the effects in terms of the temper, and sometimes an inability to have faith in my own judgements. I'm seen as a talented person and I've experienced a good level of success but no where near where I would/could be because I struggle to 'expose' myself professionally. Learning to function in the work world took me until my 30s... I took a passive role while others promoted themselves.

Luckily today, I'm not in bad shape. I'm clear on my boundaries because I have worked through so much, and deep down I'm naturally resilient, though of course the bullying has had a huge effect. And worst of all, I went on to bully my younger sister and she also has those scars to this day.

I hope to become a parent myself soon, and if I teach anything, it will be assertiveness and socialisation. If my kid gets those things I don't care if they never learn long division.

The bullying was not the whole story. I never learned assertiveness in my family. I also struck out on my own young and didn't have much support... which in turn was part of the bigger family scene & not particularly anyone's fault (long story). I believe in taking responsibility for my own life. One time I saw a great piece of reasoning: if you were bullied when you were 11 by other 11 years olds, ask yourself - would you let a 11 yr old run your life now? .... I know that's not the whole story.... we are everyone we've been like layers on an onion, but that doesn't mean the negative voice (of the inner bully, what we learned as kids) is the one we have to answer to now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input, I copied and pasted from all the above of what i totally relate too.Listed below.

fiercely independent (definitly rely on myself alone mainly)
work situations where I was bullied (yes not unusual)
social anxiety....an anxiety disorder where u get anxious in certain social situations....speaking in front of groups, etc. ( my voice cracks i go BRIGHT red and can hear the blood pumping through my cheek veins)
self-esteem had suffered (True i would lack a lot of confidence)
bullied people tend not to voice their feelings ( Ill keep my mouth shut and then i will explode smash plates objects punch myself the works)
a small group of friends (VERY small group of friends)
hard to socialize (i feel awkward in ANY group setting)
I'm not good enough ( funnily this is true for me when i bought my first place to live I used to be embarressed to show my friends, I bought a nice little car and i used to be embarressed when some one looked at me in it. Felt i wasnt good anough. I dont know where this comes from though its a weird one.
I looked up one of my persecutors on facebook and was about to send him a message about his actions but sobered up and said NOT A GOOD IDEA!
I might try that CBT

LegacyUser

I loved primary school, happiest days of my life
Went to secondary school and all changed, around 3rd year up to I was 21 or so

Have an younger brother, two years younger then me. Have not talked to my brother in about seven years and tbh, I doubt I'll talk to him again in my life. At home I enter a room he leaves, kills my mother to see this. If I were getting married tomorrow he wouldn't be invited, if he crashed his car and died you won't see me at his funeral.

Him and his little friends make me the laughing stock of the parish. Got pelted with conkers and bottles every day on the school bus and I sat there are took it. Sing songs about me on the bus or write some nickname on bus seats.
I used to avoid going to lunch downtown as him and his friends would shout at me.
When I was 18-21 I'd be working as a barman and they'd come in and give me hassle, like grabbing my tie as I collected glasses. Beat me outside pubs and or shout at me while I sat with my friends.

Any wonder I never go out? I was scared to walk down the street at times. Told my Dad, laughed at, told to man up and I understand "you're over 18 and your small brother is bullying you??"

Moved away from the town and I rarely go home.

People in work say I'm unfriendly and get defensive. I try to be helpful, would do anything to help anyone but I guess there is a reason I'm standoffish and never socialize. My manager said I'm in a shell!
But I love helping people and I post here a lot in PI of course under my reg name. I'm a people pleaser but people who just meet me reckon I'm not friendly at all

spiritsixteen, I tick every item of your list!

What I hope to help is I'm on a mad fitness plan and wanting to learn boxing. Not to box down the street but I love the sport and it gives discipline and confidence.
I want to build confidence so I'm not a doormat, learn to fight so you don't have to fight if that makes sense

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

spiritsixteen, I also tick those boxes. So I'll add my two cents.

I was bullied fairly regularly in primary school and for nearly all of secondary school. I was a walking joke for the best part and it was an absolute living hell. Particularly secondary school because I'm overweight and was a bit of a nerd, which doesn't go down well in a rural tech school. What made it worse however was that at the same time as being bullied my paedophile father was in hiding and we had to deal with that effects of his abuse on my family. I wasn't sexually abused by him but it doesn't mean that there wasn't any impact on my life because of it. However, I went about my life as best as possible and in the mean time was treated pretty poorly by a lot of people in school (for some reason, girls tended to be the cruelest, but the lads were pretty bad too). I can recall the people that did it and thinking about them, I have nothing but contempt for them or their ilk whenever I go home.

The impact... Well I'm definitely an angrier person. I'll lose the rag and punch a wall several times over the slightest things going wrong. I wont get angry with people specifically, I tend to hold my anger back. But I will lose it inside and then I have to hit something or curse blindly. I'm also pretty adverse to compliments or attention, I find being complimented difficult to deal with. I don't like being touched by people either, I recoil even thinking about that one as I type. I tend to put my energy into my study/work which is all well and good but it doesn't help my social life.

I think the humiliation and general physical and mental abuse destroyed my social confidence. I'm comfortable with what I know (work stuff) but I still find it difficult to chat up women or form any kind of meaningful relationships, which is probably the worst consequence from the whole experience. For that alone, it really does make me sad and the reason why I absolutely detest my former school friends (the f*ckers that bullied me and the ones that stood back and said nothing). When I see mates being able to chat up women so easily and with so much confidence, inside and outside of nights out it's very depressing.

However, I think I'm fairly mentally strong and there's not much I can't deal with at this stage, even though I'm 22. I'm doing a PhD now and have a masters from TCD and got the highest first in my undergrad. I tend to be able to work through problems as opposed to letting things overwhelm me. I think the fact that I was able to let the bullying at the time pass over my head as I'm pretty dim with normal social situations, so that helped but I think things over in an ex post manner and the stuff said and done to me upsets me (for example going to bed as I am now, I'll think about stuff).

So in summary, bullying made me; angrier, hard to trust people, low self-esteem, low social confidence, harder working and generally not good with developing relationships (however, the domestic situation definitely had a lot to do with as well, so it's probably 40% bullying but it definitely didn't help).

irishh_bob

spiritsixteen wrote: »

Curious Guys. Not a bitter guy or anything but I was bullied for all my primary school life. Secondary School was BLISS more or less.
Primary School was made up of 8 hours of
Physical and mental abuse, being hit by the main bullies kicked etc, things taken from me. Made fun of. Even valentines cards and love letters being planted in my bag that i had written to my gay class lover . Usual silly juvenile crap. I was even walked home by a bully who would pull my hair and hit me right up to my door. I went to 4 different primaries all in really really bad areas. Same happened everywhere.
I remember Vividly their names and even the visuals like it was yesterday im mid 30s so this is 20 odd years ago.
Does bullying affect you as an adult? I cant hand on heart say YES I AM SHY OR WITHDRAWN BECAUSE I WAS BULLIED
My mum tells me I was allways quite a shy soft young kid. Thats part of the reason I was bullied I guess being the soft target.
Does bullying have long term affects?
I do notice when I get angry i go absolutly beserk and punch myself like i mean ANGRY.
Anyone think the way they are now is partly a result of being bullied as a kid?

i was the victim of bullying but not untill i was twenty years old , happened in the workplace while overseas and has completley and utterly overshadowed my life to this day , thier isnt a day that goes by which i dont think of the abuse i suffered at the hands of that nazi , bullying at any time in your life can be life shattering and the worst thing about it is , it often doesnt effect you untill the actual bullying has passed , i myself wasnt so much effected by the bullying while it was happening , in fact , i tried to give as good as i got , i had left this place of work a month when the effects of it hit me , i live in hope that i may one day again meet up with this viscious individual but nearly twelve years on and chances are slim , we ( i assume ) dont even live in the same country

LegacyUser

Wow. This thread is striking some familiar chords with me. I was bullied in school and didn't make anyone I could call a proper friend until I was 14 or 15. I'm ashamed to say that after that in school, I did join in with a bunch of other kids in picking on a girl in my class. I don't know where she is now but if I ever bump into her again, I'll be apologising.

I do think it has affected me more than I'd like to think as an adult. It has definitely done damage to my self-esteem. I'm nervous around strangers, I've only got a few friends, I avoid socialising if I can and I've never had a proper relationship. Even though I try to tell myself that I'm great and I've had people praise me to the high heavens, I still don't think I'm good enough. Other things I can relate to which people have posted include being difficult to get to know, posting in PI , great at my job but rubbish with real life, relying on myself rather than others (don't trust them) and being over-generous to people in the hope that they'll like me.

Perhaps it's a case of history repeating itself in that I've been bullied in work.

The Northern Lights

spiritsixteen wrote: »

Curious Guys. Not a bitter guy or anything but I was bullied for all my primary school life. Secondary School was BLISS more or less.
Primary School was made up of 8 hours of
Physical and mental abuse, being hit by the main bullies kicked etc, things taken from me. Made fun of. Even valentines cards and love letters being planted in my bag that i had written to my gay class lover . Usual silly juvenile crap. I was even walked home by a bully who would pull my hair and hit me right up to my door. I went to 4 different primaries all in really really bad areas. Same happened everywhere.
I remember Vividly their names and even the visuals like it was yesterday im mid 30s so this is 20 odd years ago.
Does bullying affect you as an adult? I cant hand on heart say YES I AM SHY OR WITHDRAWN BECAUSE I WAS BULLIED
My mum tells me I was allways quite a shy soft young kid. Thats part of the reason I was bullied I guess being the soft target.
Does bullying have long term affects?
I do notice when I get angry i go absolutly beserk and punch myself like i mean ANGRY.
Anyone think the way they are now is partly a result of being bullied as a kid?

Yes I firmly believe that negative childhood experiences can affect you as an adult. I had a bit of rough time when I was a kid due to a 'bad friendship'. It has left a mark on my pysche as I have anxiety/edgyness from time to time.

LegacyUser

Yesterday I wrote a reply to the "were you bullied" thread in The Ladies Lounge. I wrote under the username Regrets and Anger, this is a link to page of my post: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056221342&page=5

I'm now posting in PI, because I've been thinking a lot about the whole thing since I wrote that reply. I think it's because I never wrote it all down like that before, and I've never talked to anybody about the FULL story before either.
I told my boyfriend about the main girl, and the 3 worst girls, and how they tried to exclude me, but I never told him that my other friends had isolated me too. When telling him, I didn't make a huge deal about it, kind of just said "yeah, they tried to exclude me/spread rumours, but I always had the rest of my friends", I never told him the truth, that actually I didn't.
I didn't have anyone, I spent my days in school alone, I cried, I hated every second of it and eventually stopped attending.
I told him I didn't want to go to the Debs because of the main girl I didn't like, but I told it in a way, "oh, can't stand to be in the same room as that cow for the night", he thought I should go because I had other friends there, and just to ignore the bitchy ones.
I didn't tell him that all my friends WERE her friends, and that they just stayed silent and hung around with her all the time. I felt I would have been isolated at the Debs too, and that my boyfriend would have seen the situation for what it really was.

I never tell anybody about this. When new people I meet talk about secondary school stories, I join in with all my funny stories from the good times I had. [I used to be very popular and happy.] I don't tell anyone about the bad times.
When new people talk about their Debs dresses, I tell them what my one was like. I just neglect to tell them, that it is still hanging in my wardrobe never worn because I was too afraid to go to my debs, afraid of being made look stupid and ignored by my "friends" and alone infront of my boyfriend and the rest of the year.
My boyfriend had met me with friends I had from outside school, so assumed I had just as many other friends in school.

I mentioned in my post on the other thread, that there was plenty of other girls in my year, who I could have made friends with, if I had just told them what was happening. I always pretended I was fine to them though.
By 5th year everyone had their own group of friends, and I had always been known to be part of the group of my friends. So when other girls asked me where some of my friends were I would smile and just say "oh, I'm going meeting them now, I got held up", when really my "friends" would have just gone off without me, and I would more than likely be heading off to doss the rest of the day of school, as I got sick of the horrible feeling of walking down to the shop to meet them, and just being ignored and excluded.

I've been thinking tonight about why I did all this.
Why did I not tell my boyfriend the full story?
Why do I not tell anybody else about it, and why do I always just pretend to new people that secondary was great craic, and I had loads of friends? [It was true for majority, but not for the final 2 years]
Why did I not tell the other girls in school what was going on?

Because I am embarrassed.
I've only admitted this fully to myself tonight.
I am embarrassed that I was so weak. I am angry with myself for not standing up for myself. I am angry with myself for letting them "win", by not going to my debs.

I've also realized that for years I have been defending and making excuses for the others who I called my friends.
I have tried to justify their actions by saying, "oh well, even though they stayed hanging around with Aoife, they still talked to me when I spoke to them, albeit awkwardly, but that was only because they were afraid of Aoife"
I told my boyfriend that these were my friends, so that Aoife and the rest didn't bother me too much, because "I still had my other friends."
This is not true.
I did NOT still have these people as friends. They were fcking cowards and behaved badly, and I am sick of making excuses in my head for them, and still referring to them as "old friends I had in school"
We had been such close friends for so many years, and they could have stopped this at any time, by refusing to sit away from me in class, by refusing to jump at every order Aoife barked to walk away from me, by refusing to leave me alone at lunch when we had spent every day together for so many years.
I would NEVER have gone along with that if it was happening to one of them. People might not believe me there, but as I mentioned in my other post, I even stood up and defended Aoife at the start when my friends wanted me to ignore her, because she was very loud, annoying, and rude. I couldn't ignore somebody and leave them on their own, and used to talk my friends into giving her another chance. How stupid was I.
It's probably the reason she decided to single me out, as she saw me as the softest in the bunch.

I'm angry with myself that I am polite to these "old friends" when I meet them out, and that I didn't open my mouth when they were telling me that they all eventually fell out with Aoife over various things. I'm angry that I smiled and laughed along when they talked about all "the craic" we had in school. I'm angry that I didn't tell them exactly "what craic" it was for me in my last 2 years, because of their behavior.

So how has this affected me today?
I don't think that it has affected me hugely, but I realized tonight that I have still got feelings of anger there, though a lot of that anger is at myself for being so weak.
When I think about it rationally in my head, I say that I shouldn't feel so angry towards myself, because I was a young girl who had always gotten along with everyone, and I just didn't have the skills to handle the situation at the time.
I still am annoyed with myself though and I don't really know why. I don't think other people who experienced similar are weak, infact I usually admire people who come out the other side of these things, but I am a much harsher critic of myself.
I think I am harsher and angrier with myself, because I have never actually admitted to myself that I was bullied.
I still don't even know if bullied is the right term for what happened because I read about so many stories, about people who had it so much worse. People who were bullied all through primary, AND secondary. People who were beat up. People who had NO friends.
I always had a few friends outside of school, and eventually my boyfriend aswell, so I think that I have always tried to just block out the last 2 years of school, and pretend they never happened.
Being popular most of my life was part of my identity. Bullying was always something that I read happened to OTHER people. I would think if I read a story in a magazine, that poor person, those bullies are absolute scumbags, and fair play to the victim for gaining strength and overcoming it. But I always kind of thought, "that could never happen to me, I'm popular, I have loads of really great friends."
It sounds so stupid now.

I have feelings of embarrassment linked with the anger. That is why I always pretend that school was grand. I'm embarrassed that I was "a loner" in my final 2 years in school, I am embarrassed that I basically got "kicked out" from my bunch of friends. I don't want any new people I meet to feel pity, or to wonder and question why I just didn't stand up for myself, because I can't even answer that myself.
So much emphasis is based on being popular and having lots of friends, and being happy in this world, that I fear that others might see it as some sort of failure/weakness in my character that this happened. And that they might then see me as in some way inferior to them. That is why I'm embarrassed. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I'm quite a different person today. I'm no hard nut by any means, and still am seen as being quite soft by most of my friends and my boyfriend, [they tell me in a friendly way], but I have definitely gained a lot more assertiveness than I ever had back then.
If someone makes very obvious bitchy/catty remarks towards me, then I will quite publicly make an even bitchier putdown right back at them. And believe me, I've enough experience of bitchiness, to be able to be very quick tongued when it comes to these type of situations. Before I would have just stayed quiet, because I never had a clue of any comebacks, but not now. I know people say you should "be the bigger person" and just ignore these things, but I don't think that is all it's cracked up to be. One well thought out reply, is usually enough to stop most bitches from trying it with you again.

Like others on this thread I have a terrible temper. If you met me, you would never believe it. I am tiny, very friendly, generally very happy go lucky, but like others here when I do lose it over something I tend to explode! Smashed ashtrays, cups, screams, tears of temper, foul mouthed abuse etc.
This is extremely, extremely rare though for me.
I think it's because that although I have become much more assertive with people who are very obviously and openly hostile, I still have a few problems with being a bit more assertive with people I love who are my friends or family.
I tend to let tiny little niggles build up for ages, and then I burst.
It could be stupid things like getting sick of lending someone money even though they pay it back, or someone constantly hogging the remote control, or if someone cuts me off when I'm speaking because they are so enthusiastic to tell their story. Small little things like that build up for me, and I eventually get really angry-leaving the poor person apologetic but shell shocked, because I had never told them I was annoyed by anything.
Have an alcoholic mother too, and all the time pretend that I am dealing just fine with all the hugely embarrassing things she does, and the hugely worrying life threatening conditions she leaves herself with in hospital. This all gets pent up, and then unleashed badly too. She is in treatment again though, and has been sober for a few months so fingers crossed.

I am working on this bad trait of mine, and have actually gotten a good bit better. I am slowly starting to just tell people the things that annoy me,and be more assertive in general and I have started talking to my boyfriend and sister a lot about the feelings I had regards my mum.

I never make a habit of doing things just to please people anymore either. Sometimes I will put myself out for a friend of course, and they do for me too. I mean more in the sense of making a habit out of it, just to keep others happy, or I won't do constant favors for somebody I wasn't close too either. Before, I was very much a people pleaser, and just wanted to be liked and afraid to say no to favors.

I often post anon advice to people here on PI about how to be more assertive, and I give them tips that I am following myself. I think I have improved a lot.

As I mentioned in the other thread, I am also very defensive of other people who might be a bit shy or timid, and I never allow anybody to be excluded in my company. In college, if I see a face I recognize from my class, and they are sitting alone in the canteen, then I will say something like "you're in our physics class aren't you, do you want to come and sit with us?" If I notice that someone who myself and my friends often chat to in classes, NEVER seems to mention or join in with talk about socializing, then I might ask them when I'm by myself with them, "are you going to such a thing on Wednesday?, I've noticed the usual reply to things like this is either "I don't know anybody going", or "no, I don't think so, no plans anyways". To the first I reply, "well sure come with us!" and exchange numbers, To the second I reply, "well sure if you change your mind, myself and the girls are going, I can give you my number, for if you change your mind and want to meet up", and the thing is they usually do end up coming out. I think there are a lot of shy people around, and maybe it's because I'm abit older now, but I have become better socially at spotting people who maybe need a friend, or just a helping hand to get into the swing of college.

So to sum up, I have finally accepted what happened in those last two years. It is definitely not near as bad as some people have it, it might not even be classed as bullying, but it did happen and it did hurt me. I am crying writing this now, because I hate having to admit that. I have to stop pretending that I was grand, or wasn't affected at all, or pretending that it never happened.
Can someone please tell me if feeling embarrassment or anger with yourself is normal? Because I feel guilty for feeling embarrassed with myself.

Sorry for mega, mega long post. Years and Years of things I've felt just came out. I don't expect many to read all of it, if someone just could help me understand the embarrassment feeling, or how to stop it, that would help thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Well just to say...yes like you. I've been bullied at 3 major stages in my life. As a child I was always a tomboy, outgoing, a "messer" and very hyperactive. But during my teens, right up into my early twenties...i hated myself, thought it was my fault, never stood up for myself...no confidence or self esteem. Horrible time.

More recently I was bullied quite badly...even lies and stories were made up about me. At the time I was already going through a lot. So when I found out these lies....I went totally and utterly beserk. Manic. And yes I was diagnosed as having a hypomanic phase just the once off. It was reactionary. I didn't get meds. Got a few mental health reviews and I'm fine...just stressed.

So I understand these feelings of anger you're having. I think it's because there may be a lot of suppressed emotion, anger, hurt and betrayal. I could be wrong...as I'm not a psychologist! But you know...it would be worth your while may be getting some counselling. And/or keeping a journal. Use that as an anger outlet. And do something nice for yourself everyday....you need to look after your needs. Maybe that could be meeting a friend, having a bar of chocolate, listening to a few of your favourite songs, watching a good film... I dunno. But good luck! ;-)

Janet1986

Yes i was bullied too in primary and secondary school too ended up leaving before my junior cert.

However i went back to adult education and got my junior and leaving cert and went on to college and things have turned out good in the end.

I do suffer from depression and find that if i sense someone is trying to bully me as an adult, i just simply will not take it! I can confront them and will not back down.

LegacyUser

I doubt you would find anybody who was bullied saying that it didn't leave a mark on their lives; some people turn it into a strength, some people will be irreparably damaged and most will lie somewhere between the two.

Personally I was bullied from a young age so I have a lot of difficulty imagining what I would be if I wasn't, I don't know which parts of my personality are truly my own and which parts were inflicted upon me. Some things I have difficulty dealing with I definitely ascribe to bulling more than others, though it's possible that I'm simply using it as a crutch to excuse my own social inadequacies.

Like others have mentioned I have trouble handling complements and I have on several occasions retrospectively noticed myself actively repressing the talents that people have complemented me on. For a similar reason I also go to great lengths to hide my interests in things especially if those things are deviant from the norm (I am a massive geek and I think that's a large part of the reason I was bullied). I'm simply terrified that people will notice I'm different but I've recovered a bit from this since college.

I'm also a misanthrope (and I'd imagine I'm not alone here), that isn't to say that I don't have friends (though I definitely have less that is normal), I do and I'm quite fond of them and am eternally grateful to them for putting up with me but I find it difficult to deal with people. I spend too much of my time imagining scenarios so I know how to deal with people in different situations and if I can't imagine a scenario then I will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid that situation (it amuses me to think of some of the fictional scenarios I think I would be able to deal with and the mundane that I wouldn't). I'm also incapable of being reliant on other people except in the most shallow ways with a clear plan of retreat, something I struggle with because I'm doing a PhD at the moment which I will probably fail because of this.

Another way it affects me is, well to be frank, I'm probably going to spend my life alone. There is a myriad of reasons for this and I don't particularly want to pick them apart so suffice to say I don't believe that I have anything to offer a partner or that I'm all that capable of being reliant on another person. Frankly the concept terrifies me to inaction no matter how curious or alone I sometimes feel and it is something I've come to accept at least in part.

All that being said I'm not bitter or angry at the people who damaged me, at least not any more. I believe that they did what they did not for their own pleasure but for their survival, so that it wouldn't be done to them in turn. Perhaps if I were in their situation I would have acted as they did, I don't misconstrue my lack of opportunity as some sort of moral superiority. That being said I know some people have said that they would love an opportunity to confront the people who tormented them, but I hope to never see or hear from them again. I think it would hurt me deeply to see how little it affected them when it affected me so much, to see the happy and probably nice people the have become.

greengiant09

Have to write, to get it out of my head. wrote: »

Yesterday I wrote a reply to the "were you bullied" thread in The Ladies Lounge. I wrote under the username Regrets and Anger, this is a link to page of my post: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056221342&page=5

I'm now posting in PI, because I've been thinking a lot about the whole thing since I wrote that reply. I think it's because I never wrote it all down like that before, and I've never talked to anybody about the FULL story before either.
I told my boyfriend about the main girl, and the 3 worst girls, and how they tried to exclude me, but I never told him that my other friends had isolated me too. When telling him, I didn't make a huge deal about it, kind of just said "yeah, they tried to exclude me/spread rumours, but I always had the rest of my friends", I never told him the truth, that actually I didn't.
I didn't have anyone, I spent my days in school alone, I cried, I hated every second of it and eventually stopped attending.
I told him I didn't want to go to the Debs because of the main girl I didn't like, but I told it in a way, "oh, can't stand to be in the same room as that cow for the night", he thought I should go because I had other friends there, and just to ignore the bitchy ones.
I didn't tell him that all my friends WERE her friends, and that they just stayed silent and hung around with her all the time. I felt I would have been isolated at the Debs too, and that my boyfriend would have seen the situation for what it really was.

I never tell anybody about this. When new people I meet talk about secondary school stories, I join in with all my funny stories from the good times I had. [I used to be very popular and happy.] I don't tell anyone about the bad times.
When new people talk about their Debs dresses, I tell them what my one was like. I just neglect to tell them, that it is still hanging in my wardrobe never worn because I was too afraid to go to my debs, afraid of being made look stupid and ignored by my "friends" and alone infront of my boyfriend and the rest of the year.
My boyfriend had met me with friends I had from outside school, so assumed I had just as many other friends in school.

I mentioned in my post on the other thread, that there was plenty of other girls in my year, who I could have made friends with, if I had just told them what was happening. I always pretended I was fine to them though.
By 5th year everyone had their own group of friends, and I had always been known to be part of the group of my friends. So when other girls asked me where some of my friends were I would smile and just say "oh, I'm going meeting them now, I got held up", when really my "friends" would have just gone off without me, and I would more than likely be heading off to doss the rest of the day of school, as I got sick of the horrible feeling of walking down to the shop to meet them, and just being ignored and excluded.

I've been thinking tonight about why I did all this.
Why did I not tell my boyfriend the full story?
Why do I not tell anybody else about it, and why do I always just pretend to new people that secondary was great craic, and I had loads of friends? [It was true for majority, but not for the final 2 years]
Why did I not tell the other girls in school what was going on?

Because I am embarrassed.
I've only admitted this fully to myself tonight.
I am embarrassed that I was so weak. I am angry with myself for not standing up for myself. I am angry with myself for letting them "win", by not going to my debs.

I've also realized that for years I have been defending and making excuses for the others who I called my friends.
I have tried to justify their actions by saying, "oh well, even though they stayed hanging around with Aoife, they still talked to me when I spoke to them, albeit awkwardly, but that was only because they were afraid of Aoife"
I told my boyfriend that these were my friends, so that Aoife and the rest didn't bother me too much, because "I still had my other friends."
This is not true.
I did NOT still have these people as friends. They were fcking cowards and behaved badly, and I am sick of making excuses in my head for them, and still referring to them as "old friends I had in school"
We had been such close friends for so many years, and they could have stopped this at any time, by refusing to sit away from me in class, by refusing to jump at every order Aoife barked to walk away from me, by refusing to leave me alone at lunch when we had spent every day together for so many years.
I would NEVER have gone along with that if it was happening to one of them. People might not believe me there, but as I mentioned in my other post, I even stood up and defended Aoife at the start when my friends wanted me to ignore her, because she was very loud, annoying, and rude. I couldn't ignore somebody and leave them on their own, and used to talk my friends into giving her another chance. How stupid was I.
It's probably the reason she decided to single me out, as she saw me as the softest in the bunch.

I'm angry with myself that I am polite to these "old friends" when I meet them out, and that I didn't open my mouth when they were telling me that they all eventually fell out with Aoife over various things. I'm angry that I smiled and laughed along when they talked about all "the craic" we had in school. I'm angry that I didn't tell them exactly "what craic" it was for me in my last 2 years, because of their behavior.

So how has this affected me today?
I don't think that it has affected me hugely, but I realized tonight that I have still got feelings of anger there, though a lot of that anger is at myself for being so weak.
When I think about it rationally in my head, I say that I shouldn't feel so angry towards myself, because I was a young girl who had always gotten along with everyone, and I just didn't have the skills to handle the situation at the time.
I still am annoyed with myself though and I don't really know why. I don't think other people who experienced similar are weak, infact I usually admire people who come out the other side of these things, but I am a much harsher critic of myself.
I think I am harsher and angrier with myself, because I have never actually admitted to myself that I was bullied.
I still don't even know if bullied is the right term for what happened because I read about so many stories, about people who had it so much worse. People who were bullied all through primary, AND secondary. People who were beat up. People who had NO friends.
I always had a few friends outside of school, and eventually my boyfriend aswell, so I think that I have always tried to just block out the last 2 years of school, and pretend they never happened.
Being popular most of my life was part of my identity. Bullying was always something that I read happened to OTHER people. I would think if I read a story in a magazine, that poor person, those bullies are absolute scumbags, and fair play to the victim for gaining strength and overcoming it. But I always kind of thought, "that could never happen to me, I'm popular, I have loads of really great friends."
It sounds so stupid now.

I have feelings of embarrassment linked with the anger. That is why I always pretend that school was grand. I'm embarrassed that I was "a loner" in my final 2 years in school, I am embarrassed that I basically got "kicked out" from my bunch of friends. I don't want any new people I meet to feel pity, or to wonder and question why I just didn't stand up for myself, because I can't even answer that myself.
So much emphasis is based on being popular and having lots of friends, and being happy in this world, that I fear that others might see it as some sort of failure/weakness in my character that this happened. And that they might then see me as in some way inferior to them. That is why I'm embarrassed. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I'm quite a different person today. I'm no hard nut by any means, and still am seen as being quite soft by most of my friends and my boyfriend, [they tell me in a friendly way], but I have definitely gained a lot more assertiveness than I ever had back then.
If someone makes very obvious bitchy/catty remarks towards me, then I will quite publicly make an even bitchier putdown right back at them. And believe me, I've enough experience of bitchiness, to be able to be very quick tongued when it comes to these type of situations. Before I would have just stayed quiet, because I never had a clue of any comebacks, but not now. I know people say you should "be the bigger person" and just ignore these things, but I don't think that is all it's cracked up to be. One well thought out reply, is usually enough to stop most bitches from trying it with you again.

Like others on this thread I have a terrible temper. If you met me, you would never believe it. I am tiny, very friendly, generally very happy go lucky, but like others here when I do lose it over something I tend to explode! Smashed ashtrays, cups, screams, tears of temper, foul mouthed abuse etc.
This is extremely, extremely rare though for me.
I think it's because that although I have become much more assertive with people who are very obviously and openly hostile, I still have a few problems with being a bit more assertive with people I love who are my friends or family.
I tend to let tiny little niggles build up for ages, and then I burst.
It could be stupid things like getting sick of lending someone money even though they pay it back, or someone constantly hogging the remote control, or if someone cuts me off when I'm speaking because they are so enthusiastic to tell their story. Small little things like that build up for me, and I eventually get really angry-leaving the poor person apologetic but shell shocked, because I had never told them I was annoyed by anything.
Have an alcoholic mother too, and all the time pretend that I am dealing just fine with all the hugely embarrassing things she does, and the hugely worrying life threatening conditions she leaves herself with in hospital. This all gets pent up, and then unleashed badly too. She is in treatment again though, and has been sober for a few months so fingers crossed.

I am working on this bad trait of mine, and have actually gotten a good bit better. I am slowly starting to just tell people the things that annoy me,and be more assertive in general and I have started talking to my boyfriend and sister a lot about the feelings I had regards my mum.

I never make a habit of doing things just to please people anymore either. Sometimes I will put myself out for a friend of course, and they do for me too. I mean more in the sense of making a habit out of it, just to keep others happy, or I won't do constant favors for somebody I wasn't close too either. Before, I was very much a people pleaser, and just wanted to be liked and afraid to say no to favors.

I often post anon advice to people here on PI about how to be more assertive, and I give them tips that I am following myself. I think I have improved a lot.

As I mentioned in the other thread, I am also very defensive of other people who might be a bit shy or timid, and I never allow anybody to be excluded in my company. In college, if I see a face I recognize from my class, and they are sitting alone in the canteen, then I will say something like "you're in our physics class aren't you, do you want to come and sit with us?" If I notice that someone who myself and my friends often chat to in classes, NEVER seems to mention or join in with talk about socializing, then I might ask them when I'm by myself with them, "are you going to such a thing on Wednesday?, I've noticed the usual reply to things like this is either "I don't know anybody going", or "no, I don't think so, no plans anyways". To the first I reply, "well sure come with us!" and exchange numbers, To the second I reply, "well sure if you change your mind, myself and the girls are going, I can give you my number, for if you change your mind and want to meet up", and the thing is they usually do end up coming out. I think there are a lot of shy people around, and maybe it's because I'm abit older now, but I have become better socially at spotting people who maybe need a friend, or just a helping hand to get into the swing of college.

So to sum up, I have finally accepted what happened in those last two years. It is definitely not near as bad as some people have it, it might not even be classed as bullying, but it did happen and it did hurt me. I am crying writing this now, because I hate having to admit that. I have to stop pretending that I was grand, or wasn't affected at all, or pretending that it never happened.
Can someone please tell me if feeling embarrassment or anger with yourself is normal? Because I feel guilty for feeling embarrassed with myself.

Sorry for mega, mega long post. Years and Years of things I've felt just came out. I don't expect many to read all of it, if someone just could help me understand the embarrassment feeling, or how to stop it, that would help thanks.

the feeling of embarassment and anger is completely standard after- effects of bullying. you can read from the other posts on this thread that there are similar patterns. i myself still feel a little bit ashamed about what happened to me. i would never ever mention my school days and would completely close up if someone even brought up the topic. the reason we feel embarassed is because we preceive being the victim of bullying as being weak and vulnerable when we desperately want to show that we are strong and confident.

i have to say that i'm much more stronger now and i feel that i am ready to open up about it more. it happened a long time ago (14+ years) and i have worked a lot on my confidence and self esteem. i no longer feel major anger towards what happened to me and the feelings of embarassment are definitely not as strong as before.

i really think it comes down to confidence and self-esteem if you want to overcome these feelings of embarassment. mine have definitely decreased as my confidence grew over the years. i've met people before who said they were bullied in school and could talk about it openly. they were all confident people who were sure of themselves.

thankfully, nowadays, there are a lot of self-help books which can give you advice on how to increase your self-esteem and confidence. judging by all the emotions shown in your post...and the fact that you were tearful writing it shows that you haven't fully dealt with what happened to you. you might find very theraputic to talk with someone, maybe a counsellor about what happened. it can take a weight off your shoulders and help you to move on.

you can definitely overcome these issues if you put a bit of work into them.

crazym02

Bullies are cowards, and pathetic cowards at that. Hold your head up high and be pround of yourself and who you are, no matter what these losers who are bullying you try to do. And remember, that success is the sweetest revenge.

Kimia

Hi 'Regrets and Anger', I remember your post from the LL too, and I'm sorry that that happened to you. Very common unfortunately and very painful.

I have looked into the embarrassment thing and I believe it's something to do with shame. You were shamed in school by this girl, she made you feel isolated and like there was something wrong with you. She also made you a negative highlight by focusing on you - and her rejection and bullying of you was so awful that naturally you wondered why? Because there was no real reason for it (or one you'll never know anyway - who knows why she was so horrible) you assumed that the problem lay with you, and not her. Natural and very normal feeling to have.

The thing to do now is to escape the cycle of shame. You have to understand that you being bullied does not mean that you deserved it in some way. You didn't. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, and the only reason you do feel like that is because you can't understand why someone would do this to you.

Forget trying to figure out why this happened. You'll never know. You can't ask that girl, and she might not even know herself. You have to accept that it was beyond your control, and therefore something that you can't possibly feel embarrassed about, because you didn't do anything!

It's very common, so no need to feel embarrassed or guilty about feeling embarrassed, even though it's such a normal feeling to have. It's like (in a way) abuse victims feeling like the abuse was something they made happen, or somehow 'asked for it', or other feelings like that to try and make some sense of why the abuse is happening to them.

Let the shame and embarrassment go. And when you speak to people about it, be forthright and honest about your experience. You went through a hard time in school, you were isolated and bullied and you found it very difficult. There's no shame in that, none at all. Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself, you were treated very badly and rather than disappear into a shame spiral of guilt and embarrassment you should take the time to look after yourself and understand that nothing you did, ever, gave that girl the right to treat you like that. Hope this makes you feel a bit better, and remember you are not alone.

ps one last thing. You keep repeating that it wasn't bullying, and it wasn't that bad. It was terrible and it was that bad. You're not going to feel better by down playing it (although i know you're doing that so that your self-esteem doesn't completely implode). Try and remember that it's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of how horrible that girl was.

LegacyUser

Like many of you here, i was bullied at school i had peperated ear drums so i had to wear a hearing aid,and it made me stand out a lot and was called things like defy duck and such even though i could hear ok and speak normally it just shattered any confidence i had.There was a lot of other things that happened too and it just made me feel totally worthless and i went in on myself as a result i couldn't bring myself to try and get a job or interact with people because i just didn't know how.

Time passed and i tried to build myself up and eventually i got myself on a back to work course where i was lucky enough to get a job out of it, 3 years later i'm still there but find it hard at times to tell when people are being nasty for the sake of it or just having fun so i tend to take things personally more then i should, i do work on a truck as a helper and i am very clean about myself and appearance but the driver has said things like that i smell and that i'm useless and anything i confided in him he has told other people, i only recently found this out. Anyhow my point is that no matter how hard life gets and no matter how low you feel there has to be some sort of hope inside you that keeps you going. I wont satisfy this guy by quitting, i don't have friends really that i can talk too but i'm still here and hopefully things will start to get better!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much to I Get Ya, Greengiant, and to Kimia for your replies.
They were very helpful to read, and very much appreciated. I would thank your posts but I wish to remain anonymous.

I am feeling much better now, and back to my usual self. I think I was so annoyed when I wrote that post because I just had never really allowed myself to sit down and REALLY think about it all too much before. [I had thought about it very briefly a few times before, felt a quick pang of anger, and just blocked it out again.]
I even felt better after writing it all and posting, like a weight had been lifted off me.

Reading back on it, it comes across as abit loopy and whingey!
I swear, I'm not usually that emotional and rambling!

I think I could have been affected worse by this, which thankfully I wasn't. For example I don't want to sound cocky but I am happy with my looks, I love my face, but could do with losing some weight on my tummy. I am very confident in my capabilities, I believe I am intelligent and that I'm going to succeed in my education and future. I also believe that I am a generally good person.

I think where it affected my confidence though, is that I feel I wasn't as strong and assertive of a person as I feel I should have been.
I really admire strong people, who always stand up up for themselves, and like to think of myself as getting to be that strong also.
So looking back on this recently, made me doubt my abilities of being this strong person that I see myself as today.
It made me think to myself, "you're not strong at all, you never stood up for yourself back then, so who are you trying to kid."

Now though, after calming down and reading some of these helpful replies, I realize I have no good reason to feel embarrassed or disappointed with myself for not standing up for myself back then. I was only a teenager back then, but I am a young adult now, and I AM a stronger person.
If anything it is the others who should feel embarrassed about how they behaved, [which tbh my original friends who still spoke to me at the time, but who just went along with the exclusion probably do feel abit embarrassed, they have been ultra ultra nice to me the few times I've seen them whilst out, and very critical of how much they dislike Aoife, even though they never bring up what happened with me].
I suppose in their own way they are sorry, and were just fairly weak willed themselves in school.
I can forgive them for that, because I know they are not inherently bad people. I had many great years of friendship with them, and even though they acted **** towards the end, I can get over it. I've decided that I don't mind too much being polite or chatting a little with these ones.I see them very rarely, and I might have a frank talk about it with one of them if the topic ever comes up in some way. I will never class them as current friends now though, or in the future.

Regarding Aoife and the 3 other ones though, who actively participated in the ignoring, exclusion, turning their backs, laughing at me in class, and spreading disgusting rumors. I don't have much forgiveness for them.
One of them is the girl who came up hugging me in the nightclub acting like we were old friends. I just mumbled Hi and couldn't speak to her.
She met me another time on the street, and started asking me about college etc., I just gave her short yes and no kind of answers, then said I had to go. Unless she's dim, she should have got the impression that I didn't want to speak to her.
The Aoife one, just says "well, any craic?!" really friendly if I ever see her, and waves hi at me if I'm across the street. She has never tried to initiate a conversation with me though, thank God!

I think to make myself feel better, I'm just going to completely blank Aoife and the main other 3 from now on if I ever see them at home. It might sound petty, but it will stop me being annoyed with myself for responding to them.
I don't particularly hate them, now I just think they are pretty sad individuals, and I'm thankful I'm not like them.

I am not as angry today as when I wrote that post. I was letting alot of pent up things out whilst writing the first post. I am back to being my usual calmer, rational self now.
My building up of rage over little things has improved a huge amount. I've only lost my temper in the big way that I described 4 times, so that goes to show how long I used to let things eat at me!
I have been told in the past by both my boyfriend, and my close friends, that I build things up too much, and that there is no need for me to be so controlled all the time. That none of my friends are going to judge me for getting pissed off about something, or just having an occasional moody day.
My boyfriend has often gotten to see me mad, and I find it very easy to be able to express myself [calmly] to him, when I'm annoyed or upset about something. I just have to start asserting myself more to my mum, and a few others I think, so that I don't end up exploding again in future.

Anyhow, thank you so much again for everyone's help, and also to everybody who posted their own stories.
I am feeling much better now, and am back in good form again.
I think I just really needed to accept and acknowledge my feelings over about what happened[because I had ignored them for so many years].
I feel I have done that now and am ready to move on.
Thanks again!:)

LegacyUser

Have to write, to get it out of my head. wrote: »

Regarding Aoife and the 3 other ones though, who actively participated in the ignoring, exclusion, turning their backs, laughing at me in class, and spreading disgusting rumors. I don't have much forgiveness for them.
One of them is the girl who came up hugging me in the nightclub acting like we were old friends. I just mumbled Hi and couldn't speak to her.
She met me another time on the street, and started asking me about college etc., I just gave her short yes and no kind of answers, then said I had to go. Unless she's dim, she should have got the impression that I didn't want to speak to her.
The Aoife one, just says "well, any craic?!" really friendly if I ever see her, and waves hi at me if I'm across the street. She has never tried to initiate a conversation with me though, thank God!

Their behaviour nowadays has guilt written all over it. I'm decades away from my own bullying so it's much easier for me now that it is for you, but when I've met my old bullies... I haven't even recognised them. A few of them look like dumpy little middle aged women (and we're not that old LOL). They've been friendly and very curious about me when we've met. Maybe my tough childhood pushed me further out in the world then they ever went. I don't feel anger towards them. They're all mothers now and I'm sure they feel bad about how I was treated. I will always feel sad for the little girl that I was... but I can't even really relate these women to the little girls they were. I know I went through incredible pain at the time and that it affected the path my life took in many negative and damaging ways, which I'm probably still living with the results off... but I don't suffer anymore? Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just too far down the line to access the pain. Or maybe I've just dealt with it?

Part of growing older is that I'm able to feel compassion for the child I was, rather than internalising the guilt and shame. That's not to say that all that guilt and shame hasn't made me who I am (negative effects) but it gets easier!!!

A19B1C12

For me;

-Dents confidence

-Made me act unnaturally in an attempt to fit in

-Made me over anxious/worried about what others think of me

-Was afraid to try things incase I failed and would be laughed at

Basically as a child despite being fairly smart, I was a bit socially dim and wouldnt really know how to act in situations. Got quite a lot of stick in school but my mom and dad would make it worse by emphasising it to me and being too 'involved' although I don't blame them at all because they were only trying to help - they also make massive deals of the tiniest issues, but it made me a bit 'soft' and afraid to fight back. Didn't like sports such as rugby because they'd say it was too dangerous.

Eventually at about 15 I started to ignore the tormentors and after about half a year I made friends with them and remain friends thus far. I don't believe what you do as a child should be how you are judged, I've evolved hugely although I still possess characteristics from the past years and everybody else has evolved too. I have now developed into quite a well balanced and I hope, well liked individual as I try to treat most people with respect,despite probably falling short the odd time.

I look back on those years with a tinge of regret but who doesn't have regrets.

"Don't let the potholes in the road spoil the journey"

tawnyowl

In my experience it does have long term effects.

In primary school it was mocking, taunting, as well as physical (a lot of kicking). In one case, two kids followed me home from school and sang mockingly outside my house. I was a geeky, non-sporty type who was easily upset and probably a bit immature.

In secondary school it was less physical (e.g. threats but not following up the threats).

I was diagnosed as suffering from depression in college - looking back, the bullying was probably the main cause (there were other factors, though).

I was bullied in work some time later - not so much a personal matter, as that my then boss had very poor people skills and didn't realise that I found some of his behaviour intimidating.

As a result, I'm probably quite quiet, not good at socialising and wary of possible bullies. I dread to think what might have happened if things had gone a bit worse.

flyswatter

Was bullied for a few years.

But I'm a much stonger, driven and independent guy now.

It shapes your personality and makes you want to prove these people wrong.

There is a well known DJ who has the most listened to late night talk show in Ireland, broadcast from Dublin. Adrian Kennedy is his name.

He was bullied for years, to the extent that he didn't get into college and got interested in radio, worked hard and is now very successful at his job.

He sometimes see's the bullies around where he lives and he feels proud because he is doing a lot better than a lot of them.

It made him stronger.

LegacyUser

well in my case ive been bullied since i was six pretty much right up to present day only thing that has changed for me is now i get bullied by my parents have never experienced one happy school day from primary right up to finishing secondary school. affected me big time suffer depression(without treatment) have intense loathing in myself and constantly made feel like im a failure as a parent. its sad to say but bullying affected me to the point where the only plans i had actually made out for my life was that id would move out when i was 22 and would kill myself such a reason to want to move out of home i know but thats how it was. my daughter was not planned never ever thought about kids or marriage still dont think id ever get married if my bf asked cos i dont like attention at all. the only reason i havent gone through with my plans is cos of my child. still think about it but think about her blaming me for not being there for her have a plan b to do it when shes grown up. totally destroyed my teeth as i thought to myself fcuk it if i have a **** smile no one will bother with me. im now a 28 yr old that gets comments made to me about my daughter such as "shes got amazing teeth she obviously gets that from her dad" ( this is said regularly by a couple of girls in the local supermarket) just more proof if you dont stand up for yourself even by getting help it will never end.

To anyone that is being bullied get help as soon as possible cos it wont solve itself. im 28 yrs old and never once felt deserving of any love affection or anything good cos i listened to what was said to me too much without trying to get help. and the life i have isnt a life id wish on anyone.

LegacyUser

hey,
been reading through this thread. so much of what was said i can definitely identify with. i was always picked on and bullied since my childhood as far as i can remember, from people in my neighborhood and in school. it has completely affected me and shaped the person i am today. i'm now 22 (male) and have pretty much zero social skills, never had a GF or kissed a girl. about to finish my degree and have mixed feelings about having to go out into the world when i hate myself half the time. I have also had pretty bad acne since my early teens. with the bullying i believe i developed a really low self-esteem, no confidence, self worthlessness, etc. as a result i dont think i was able to handle having acne and it is something which really affected me. i still have acne today, although its not as bad sometimes, and it can still really depress me. i have acne dysmorphia as i have a perfectionist personality. i really find it interesting the way some of you were saying how much of our present selves is the result of bullying and how much is our personality. i do think that i was picked on partly because i was a bit shy and quiet to begin with. However, the bullying compounded this for me. my mid teens i believe i learned to accept isolation as the norm. there are, however, aspects of my personality which today, whether a result of my isolation through bullying or nor not, i am very happy and grateful for. I am a musician, really interested in food, cooking and healthy eating and really interested in world affairs and world politics and general knowledge seeking, etc. im also quite a sensitive and caring person and skilled with introspection (good and bad thing i think) or sometimes overthinking everything to a debilitating stage. i like these things about myself but i do often think that they came at the expense of social skills and social self-confidence. i find im often torn between loving the amazing talents and traits i've got and hating myself for all the other negative thinking. i feel if i dont get some sort of help it will affect my career, finding a GF and my overall future happiness. i feel like im being held back by all my negativity. i think CBT could be a good solution. anyway i just thought i would write something. really makes me feel a bit better to have read all your posts and to know that others are in the same situation as me. thanks guys.

greengiant09

I just want to say after reading some of the other posts that being the victim is not the end of the world. the damage that is done is not irrepairable.

as a victim myself, i still remember back in the worst days how i believed i was destined to be a failure, to never have friends and to endure a miserable life. i honestly believed it back then.

i never actually treated the effects bullying had until about 2-3 years. i can now say that my outlook and perspective on life is completely different now. i feel so much stronger....and i now feel i have real momentum to keep moving forward. in fact, i think i can have a better than average life as i now know how to handle events in life much better.

i must say it took a lot of hard work and persistence but it was definitely worth it. so for everyone out there who's still suffering...no matter what age you are, you can still change your negative beliefs and enjoy a healthy life. i'm living proof of that!

irishh_bob

SumOfTheParts wrote: »

I doubt you would find anybody who was bullied saying that it didn't leave a mark on their lives; some people turn it into a strength, some people will be irreparably damaged and most will lie somewhere between the two.

Personally I was bullied from a young age so I have a lot of difficulty imagining what I would be if I wasn't, I don't know which parts of my personality are truly my own and which parts were inflicted upon me. Some things I have difficulty dealing with I definitely ascribe to bulling more than others, though it's possible that I'm simply using it as a crutch to excuse my own social inadequacies.

Like others have mentioned I have trouble handling complements and I have on several occasions retrospectively noticed myself actively repressing the talents that people have complemented me on. For a similar reason I also go to great lengths to hide my interests in things especially if those things are deviant from the norm (I am a massive geek and I think that's a large part of the reason I was bullied). I'm simply terrified that people will notice I'm different but I've recovered a bit from this since college.

I'm also a misanthrope (and I'd imagine I'm not alone here), that isn't to say that I don't have friends (though I definitely have less that is normal), I do and I'm quite fond of them and am eternally grateful to them for putting up with me but I find it difficult to deal with people. I spend too much of my time imagining scenarios so I know how to deal with people in different situations and if I can't imagine a scenario then I will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid that situation (it amuses me to think of some of the fictional scenarios I think I would be able to deal with and the mundane that I wouldn't). I'm also incapable of being reliant on other people except in the most shallow ways with a clear plan of retreat, something I struggle with because I'm doing a PhD at the moment which I will probably fail because of this.

Another way it affects me is, well to be frank, I'm probably going to spend my life alone. There is a myriad of reasons for this and I don't particularly want to pick them apart so suffice to say I don't believe that I have anything to offer a partner or that I'm all that capable of being reliant on another person. Frankly the concept terrifies me to inaction no matter how curious or alone I sometimes feel and it is something I've come to accept at least in part.

All that being said I'm not bitter or angry at the people who damaged me, at least not any more. I believe that they did what they did not for their own pleasure but for their survival, so that it wouldn't be done to them in turn. Perhaps if I were in their situation I would have acted as they did, I don't misconstrue my lack of opportunity as some sort of moral superiority. That being said I know some people have said that they would love an opportunity to confront the people who tormented them, but I hope to never see or hear from them again. I think it would hurt me deeply to see how little it affected them when it affected me so much, to see the happy and probably nice people the have become.

great post , i know what you mean about not deviating from the norm , i myself hope to get married but i have made a conscious descision to never had kids as i dont believe people who are damaged goods should reproduce , while i respect your descision not to remain bitter towards those who damaged you , im not sure they deserve it , forgiveness must be earned , as regards you not wanting to meet those who bullied you in the past , im very different , more than anything in this world , i want to meet up again with the nazi who savaged me for those months i was working overseas abroad in the late nineties , i have made efforts to try and find out where they are but to no avail , it really kills me that i will most likely never meet this person again , its been nearly thirteen years now yet not a day goes by that i dont think of this viscious individual

irishh_bob

crazym02 wrote: »

Bullies are cowards, and pathetic cowards at that. Hold your head up high and be pround of yourself and who you are, no matter what these losers who are bullying you try to do. And remember, that success is the sweetest revenge.

its nothing but a cliche to say bullys are cowards , they are nasty bad people but thier is no real reason to suggest they must also be cowards

LegacyUser

spiritsixteen wrote: »

Thanks for your input, I copied and pasted from all the above of what i totally relate too.Listed below.

fiercely independent (definitly rely on myself alone mainly)
work situations where I was bullied (yes not unusual)
social anxiety....an anxiety disorder where u get anxious in certain social situations....speaking in front of groups, etc. ( my voice cracks i go BRIGHT red and can hear the blood pumping through my cheek veins)
self-esteem had suffered (True i would lack a lot of confidence)
bullied people tend not to voice their feelings ( Ill keep my mouth shut and then i will explode smash plates objects punch myself the works)
a small group of friends (VERY small group of friends)
hard to socialize (i feel awkward in ANY group setting)
I'm not good enough

What a great thread and this list realy adds to it
And I got to exchange pm's with one poster here.

As Irish bob says, they are cowards. But all I can add is for most of the examples here, it doesn't end when you leave school.

Bullying is never ok but some people just are targets. Quiet, not very confident and unlikely to speak up.
If you were bullied in school and you don't work on yourself you may be a victim all your life. As there are cliques and bullying going on in workplaces too.

I remember doing a job interview for a local factory, wore glasses back then. And the interviewer asked what would I do if the lads on the factory floor had a go at me. Met this women in a job interview and she reckons I'm going to be bullied!

Or wondering all the time what's wrong with me. Like the battered wife, you might end feeling you deserve it.
A ****box Hondo Civic passes you as you are walking and the skangers roar abuse and throw a bottle at you, and you wonder "what's wrong with me? I bet this doesn't happen everyone else? Must be something wrong with me."

Sort of a victim mentality.
I can't say being bullied made me stronger and more independent, I let it affect it to this day and I'll never ever forget what happened.
Some lads I've met now and they apologized and I'll have a pint with them and some I'll never forgive.

But I suppose the only person who can improve myself is me. Even if that's becoming confident like getting a boxers physique or CBT or whatever

TanG411

I'm not going unreg'd. Nobody knows me anyway.

I was bullied around 15 and 16. Not in school though (though there were the odd messers), but where I lived. It consisted of taunts, rumours, insults - but nothing physical, and I'm greatful for that. Also a picture passed around showing people how ugly I was.

But it has affected me mentally:

- Social anxiety is a main factor. In college, I chose subjects where I didn't have to make any presentations. I have a small group of friends. I would never eat on my own or go to the library on my own to study. If a stranger says hi to me - whether it be on the street or in college - I would assume its with malicious intent. They will do something to me.

- Blind rage - That's what I would call it. Sometimes I would go off on an anger burst just thinking about my past and what I went through. I'd come around and notice a smashed glass, or a dent in a table. I wouldn't have much memory of these things happening.

- Never go out. I stay home all the time and only leave if I absolutely must. I don't drink or smoke, and never meet anyone for a night out. Having said that, I never had much interest going out anyway as I prefer to relax at home.

- Always covering myself up. I always wear a jacket or coat - even in the hot summer days. It offers a protective element.

Also I suffered in my schoolwork. I was a bright lad, got student of the year in primary school. 90% averages in first year of secondary school. Then with the bullying it all started to change. I barely got enough points for my college course (it was 360 points). And now I'm severly struggling in that as I can't concentrate.

Everyday, I think of what has happened. I still can't get my head around it. I've contemplated suicide, I've thought of running away. I can't tell my family as they believe you can just "Snap out of depression", or whatever else I may be suffering from.

It's not something I've ever cried over. It's over five years ago now, going on six. (It started August 2005 and lasted for a year or so).

LegacyUser

I just read through this thread and a lot the of posts have struck a chord with me. Particularly now because ive been doing a lot of thinkinng recently about why I am they way I am. Why I feel so disconected form every one and everything, why I dont seem to relate to anything. When thinking about this I allways get brought back to secondary school. Pritty much form my first week in school I started to get hassled. I remember it started in the very first pe class. Class mates started making fun of me because I was really bad at what ever game we were playing and they started saying that I must be some nerd that does nothing but sit in front of a computer all day. Then pritty much every one in the class took a disliking to me. I couldnt believe it only after a few days in school people already didnt like me. So after the first week everyone had their mind made up about me. From then on I was though of as the class weirdo. When ever I was asked a question in class I was laughed at because I aparently had a stupid sounding voice and someone behind me would allways be imitating me. Other things that they did were taking my things and trowing them around, ocasionally getting punched in the back of the head in class. Their was no one in perticualr picking on me it seemed to be everyone. The lads would slap me in the back of the head and the girls would laugh and call me a weirdo. I had a lot of stuff said to me.

There was one event that really made me realise that I just hate people in general. When i was around fourteen I had gotten myself into a situation where I could of been badly hurt or even killed. I came away form it unharmed but when I went into school on monday everyone knew about it. What was worse was they thought it was ok to make fun of it. I just wanted to forget about it but every day someone would make some comment about it to me. I even had someone come up to me and say that they wish I had been killed.

This kind of thing went on until around 3rd year. Then I went and did transition year and was put in a different class. While my bullying experience isnt as severe as some other posters it pains me to say that it has had a effect on me. Im in my early 20s and I have never really shaken the feeling that I had In seconday school. I went through a few years of being very bitter towards people and I still am to a certain extent but Im not nearly as bad as I was. I still get the feeling that people think of me very negativly even if they dont know me, like their thinking "oh hes just a retart, thats all he is and thats all he'll ever will be".I know thats not true but I have to constantly remind myself that. So in the end I think the bullying has had a major effect on me whether I like to admit it or not. I have very little confidence, I dont socialize much and I feel like I havent developed as a person. Writing this has brought back some memories I would of preferred to not remember but I just felt like trowing my story in.