End of the road....serious relationship issue.

C2

Hi all,

I'm in a tizz I guess. I've been with my BF for 2 years- I'm 39 he's 51. We live together with his 2 kids. All in all, it's a great relationship, I suppose he's 'the one' and boy did it take long enough to find him! Sadly, now we've run up against a wall- I'd like a child (and I don't have a lot of time), he doesn't. He says he just can't go there again. We have therefore reached an impass and are planning to breakup.

I'd love a child but the thought of breaking up is really traumatic. Plus I'm also thinking about all the other considerations- I may not meet anyone else especially at my age, there seem to be so many older single gals out there who aren't having much luck. I mightn't meet someone I feel the same way about. I mightn't be able to have a child. It all seems to be a huge gamble.

So, here I am just wondering if anyone has been through something similar to this? Or maybe someone has some advice.

I know some people might have thought 51 is too old to be a dad but I have an older dad who's 91 now and all 4 of his kids couldn't have asked for a better dad. Both me and other half are very fit and active so I wasn't worried about age. Anyway, this isn't about that now- it's should I give up the child wish and stay or go?

Thanks for any advice.

C

challengemaster

C2 wrote: »

I may not meet anyone else especially at my age

You're 39, not 89. I'm not saying you should/shouldn't break up, but for flip sake, the way you're going on you'd swear life ends at 40

MagicMarker

challengemaster wrote: »

You're 39, not 89. I'm not saying you should/shouldn't break up, but for flip sake, the way you're going on you'd swear life ends at 40

Well, she wants a child so.... the biological clock is ticking, so to speak.

rebel10

So Op, is what you are saying, and sorry if this comes across as rude, your wish to have a baby is greater than your wish to stay with this man?

What exactly are his concerns? Why is he saying he can't go there again? Is it his age, money, energies or any other factors?
I feel for you, but I don't think you will get many answers from the ladies here, because personally, I think this is a huge issue for you both, and because people here don't know you personally, it will be difficult to give advice. Perhaps counselling may help?

C2

I know I'm not ancient, but I also know 3 very attractive women in their early 40's who can't meet anyone and there is nothing wrong with them. I just think there are less single guys around at that age. :-(

C2

Hi rebel10

I always thought that I'd have a child but never met mr right.....then I meet mr right but there can be no child. I'm afraid I'll resent him down the line if I don't have a child......but I don't know.

As for his reasons, he had a very stressful marriage and when they split up he got the kids. They're great but they are a handful and he says he just sees a light at the end of the tunnel and the idea of starting again is too much.

I did see a councellor but they said I needed to follow my instincts......I'm still stuck. I was hoping that in asking here someone might have a different perspective that would help me think better.

Thanks C

Zen65

C2 wrote: »

I did see a councellor but they said I needed to follow my instincts......I'm still stuck. I was hoping that in asking here someone might have a different perspective that would help me think better.

Somebody might, but probably shouldn't.

The counsellor was right not to offer directive advice, that's not their role. Counsellors can't predict whether your chances of having a child would be any better if you leave this man, and that's the equation you're trying to figure out, right? It seems like you've already decided that you would leave him for a child of your own, but you know that there's no guarantee.

You also know (as does your OH) that as you age your chances of having a handicapped child increase. Of course if you leave this man you might find another in 5 years time with whom you'd both be happy to have a child. But would you be as eager at 44+ to risk having your first child?

And if it worked out, might you realise later that you had walked away from the greatest love you've ever had?

I'm not in a position to offer any definitive advice. This is a question of enormous consequence for you and my two cents is poor currency in that regard. The decision rests entirely with you...... and it would seem that regardless of what logic might be applied, it is your instinct which will tell you what course to follow.

Be at peace,

Z

rebel10

C2 wrote: »

Hi rebel10

I always thought that I'd have a child but never met mr right.....then I meet mr right but there can be no child. I'm afraid I'll resent him down the line if I don't have a child......but I don't know.

As for his reasons, he had a very stressful marriage and when they split up he got the kids. They're great but they are a handful and he says he just sees a light at the end of the tunnel and the idea of starting again is too much.

I did see a councellor but they said I needed to follow my instincts......I'm still stuck. I was hoping that in asking here someone might have a different perspective that would help me think better.

Thanks C

Ok, I assumed the two children were yours, sorry. I think Zen65 has said everything I would have said. Which do you yearn for more, a loving partner and his children or your own child? Sadly, there is too much at risk here to even comment, but it is a situation that only you can judge and act on. Hope whatever route you take, you will be happy.

Blumentopf

Well, not sure if this helps but I have yet to meet a woman who regrets having children, but I've definitely met some that regret not having them. So if you want children, then don't waste anymore time in a relationship that does not give you what you want. You only have the ONE life.

I am a friend

Would you consider using a sperm donor. That way he is not the father but would be in the same position as you - living with someones child and you have both him and the child ....

Firetrap

Sorry to hear about your situation. It really is a no-win I can understand where your other half is coming from. I work with guys who are around his age who have teenage/grown up kids and when the issue of other people having babies comes up, they do tend to say things like "Thank god I'm finished with all that". As I'm sure you know, having kids does wreak havoc in people's lives, especially in the early years and your OH will know this only too well.

It really boils down to whether you want a kid or want a relationship with this guy. There is no easy answer I'm afraid and nobody can give you one

dellas1979

Your partner is not looking after your needs, because he doesnt want to (for his own reasons).

Are they selfish reasons? Depends how you look at it.

The bottom line is that you want a child, or the opportunity to have a child.

If it is something you feel very stongly about (which I suspect you do), then the decision is on whether to give yourself opportunity you are being denied or get over it and move on, and always wonder (which you will do). If you can live with either of the above, I think you've solved part of the puzzle.

MagicMarker

I am a friend wrote: »

Would you consider using a sperm donor. That way he is not the father but would be in the same position as you - living with someones child and you have both him and the child ....

Seriously? He said he doesn't want a child, I'm not sure how you missed that part.

lynsalot

Thats a tough one OP. I definitely see why you're concerned that the opportunity to have kids will pass. And you love him and the idea of breaking up must be killing you.

Would talking to him again about how important it is help? I'm sure you've done all of this but does he realise you might leave? I'm sure he considered this fact when he met you considering its his second time around.

I met a guy over a year ago whose younger than me. I was married previously no kids but I plan to have kids over the next few years. We discussed it quite early on because it is important.

There's nothing wrong with wanting children and questioning the relationship over it. Not to be smart but relationships end every day and having children is a completely different type of love altogether.

Definitely a decision you need to make but I certainly do understand the importance of this to you. I tihnk if it were me, and he wouldn't budge I'd need to be considering leaving it be.

I wouldn't worry about meeting someone else when it boils down to age. I believe you can meet people at any stage in your life - when the times right and all that.

diverdad

I know this might sound a little off the wall....... what if you were to present it as a 'done deed'. If you were to suddenly announce that you were pregnant would he leave or breakup?

Considering he's 51 it may not be likely he'ed get a relationship going with another woman. Certainly not one as young perhaps?
In a sense his clock is ticking too.

It wouldn't be the first time that a woman has gotten pregant without the partner agreeing. Usually it may be a case of a young woman tying down a man and saddling him with a kid (happily in a lot of cases).
I know that this idea may draw a lot of flack and putdowns but consider this; you don't even know if you can ever manage to get pregnant without trying.

Lets say you break it off with this guy (who is 'the one') and find that for any reason you can't get pregnant, at all, ever. Where do you stand then?
Alternatively, if you do break up and work at getting pregant with another bloke (assuming that you don't want to go to a sperm bank as suggested) and you succeed. Will it be a happy event or would it put enough pressure on another relationship that it might fall assunder? You just don't know. You'd be left 'holding the baby' but with the possibly added entanglement of a weekend Dad.

If you got pregnant with your current guy and it caused pressure you'd still have your baby and perhaps a supportive dad (with experience).
From my own perspective I'd hate to be raising kids at that age but there would be a large amount of male pride in knocking up a younger woman and the statement to the world at large that I've 'still got it'. Male egos..eh?

You haven't mentioned if you would be prepared to raise a child on your own if push came to shove. Could you afford it? Is there enough family/friend support to even engage such thinking?

Just a thought......


*sits back and waits for own crucifiction*

LegacyUser

OP I gotta hop into this one. First I'm 36 & have been trying to get preg since 33 so I'm down with the statistics & everyone should know.

Age 29, one in ten women are naturally infertile.

Age 35, one in four are infertile.

By 40, 1 in 2 women are still able to have a baby.

Realistically, clean living & having had a baby before seem to increase the chances of fertility at a late age... but there's no true way of knowing whether you're fertile or not except for trying...

So those are the facts.

Obviously, I am a woman on the baby hunt so whatever I say is subjective - the same as what anyone here will write. I was intent on having a baby and rejected relationships in my late twenties/early thirties because the guys weren't into having babies... only to find I had fertility issues on account of age anyway... but what ya gonna do?

I'm now facing into a second round of ivf with my husband.

In my worldview, if having a baby is something you hold close to your heart then its something you have to follow. As an above poster said, I've yet to meet a woman who regretted having a baby. I would also question a man who realises that this is something important to you which he will not take on. I'm not saying he doesn't love you but he has had this experience in his life; he has had something you haven't, but you have accepted this need and realisation (in the form of kids) about him - why won't he accept this about you?

If I don't have a baby then I will thank myself for trying. For my single friends, mostly around age 39, they too are trying for a baby by trying to meet someone... if I (or they) don't end up with kids to love, I will pat myself on the back and say I gave it everything... and for me that desire comes before men (although men are integral and we all subconsiously choose men because of the potential future), I realise it is not that way for everyone.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want.

Have you been assertive about you want? Does he realise how deep this need is? What are his fears around having another baby?

Is he prepared to let you go because of this? I would suggest to him that if he doesn't want to be the father of another child, how would he feel about a sperm donor? (and how would you feel about it? - play with the issue in your own mind too). You will learn alot from his answers if you ask in an assertive but not a needy way. Play with this issue with him. Sound it out in every way going; you have every right too. I also realise it's a gamble at this age because the fertility might not be there (for you or him) and the road of fertility treatments is very tough physically and mentally. But the payoff is also huge.

I'm a hardliner. I wouldn't stay with a man who not accept and share my deep desires. But you have obviously got this far in life without baby chasing? Maybe having a baby is not such a deep desire for you? If it is a deep desire, maybe this is a good time to find out why you got involved in a relationship where babies weren't on offer? - because this situation didn't arise yesterday - what's going on with you that you accepted this man?

Time is short. Give yourself a cut off point - say two months from now (or in the language of fertility, two cycles/three periods) and decide what matters most to you - trying (a huge high risk/ high gain gamble) or sticking with that man. And his teenage kids.

And be a brave girl. Show him this thread, no matter what it throws up - because it will show him how deep this goes with you, and it's a sounding board for discussion.

I know that what I hope you for is the same I hope for myself - that if it's what you want, you have the courage to ask for it and to try and ultimately that in the next two years you will be holding your baby in your arms.

ToniTuddle

diverdad wrote: »

Lets say you break it off with this guy (who is 'the one') and find that for any reason you can't get pregnant, at all, ever. Where do you stand then?

Deliberately trapping a dude by getting pregnant is NOT real love. It's beyond selfish. That's all I'm going to say on that matter.

The one point I did pick up on was the bit of your post I included here.
OP it would actually be a good idea to go to the doctors and get whatever tests done just to see if you are actually able to have kids. Just in case there could be issues you never would have realised about on your own.

That would at least be something practical you could do first?

LegacyUser

ToniTuddle wrote: »

Deliberately trapping a dude by getting pregnant is NOT real love. It's beyond selfish. That's all I'm going to say on that matter.

The one point I did pick up on was the bit of your post I included here.
OP it would actually be a good idea to go to the doctors and get whatever tests done just to see if you are actually able to have kids. Just in case there could be issues you never would have realised about on your own.

That would at least be something practical you could do first?

I posted already but just read through posts now so what the hell....

First off as someone on the fertility medical journey a doctor can't generally tell you whether you can conceive without expensive, invasive & time consuming tests & even then its rarely a sure thing.

Secondly, how selfish is staying with a 39yr old woman who wants kids when you don't? Ok. so it's the woman's choice to leave... but life isn't always that cut and dry. We don't know how long this couple has been together or what her issues are, all we know is that she's taken on a man well into middle age & she's taken on HIS kids.

What I will say is that year after year, a fresh crop of 32yr old women in my circle 'accidentally' get pregnant with their live in boyfriends. It's funny how 32 happens to be the most dangerous year for accidental pregnancy but there ya go... the wonders of biology? Generally these are middle class women with careers and long term live boyfriends who didn't want kids or didn't want them 'yet' - and generally the men are seen a year later, happy as larry, pushing buggies around IKEA and gushing about little Fiachra or Max. Now let's not judge the accidental pregnancies of the 30 something middle class lady as many of our younger posters (post 1980 in fact - ironically the year of legal contraception in Ireland!) might not be here posting out their angst otherwise... I know its not morally spot on but neither are people and generally we muddle on anyway with so-so results...

Judge a woman for an accidental pregnancy and you're probably judging half your family (no offence)....

And the irony is that the OP - at 39 - has probably never done anything so devious in her life and that's partly why she is where she is now - though I'd say she also has issues with asking for what she wants?

I'm not condoning it. I've never made that choice myself. I hung out for the marriage & ended up infertile at 33.... but I've seen mates of mine make that choice. Few have admitted it, but eitherway, I've seen that those that have an 'accidental' pregnancy end up either happy or alone depending on the strength of the relationship to start with. Those with a workable relationship got on fine, and those with a dodgy relationship went on having a dodgy relationship... or ended up alone... with a lovely child.

I'm only talking from experience here... not 'morality'.

MagicMarker

diverdad wrote: »

I know this might sound a little off the wall....... what if you were to present it as a 'done deed'. If you were to suddenly announce that you were pregnant would he leave or breakup?

Considering he's 51 it may not be likely he'ed get a relationship going with another woman. Certainly not one as young perhaps?
In a sense his clock is ticking too.

It wouldn't be the first time that a woman has gotten pregant without the partner agreeing. Usually it may be a case of a young woman tying down a man and saddling him with a kid (happily in a lot of cases).
I know that this idea may draw a lot of flack and putdowns but consider this; you don't even know if you can ever manage to get pregnant without trying.

Lets say you break it off with this guy (who is 'the one') and find that for any reason you can't get pregnant, at all, ever. Where do you stand then?
Alternatively, if you do break up and work at getting pregant with another bloke (assuming that you don't want to go to a sperm bank as suggested) and you succeed. Will it be a happy event or would it put enough pressure on another relationship that it might fall assunder? You just don't know. You'd be left 'holding the baby' but with the possibly added entanglement of a weekend Dad.

If you got pregnant with your current guy and it caused pressure you'd still have your baby and perhaps a supportive dad (with experience).
From my own perspective I'd hate to be raising kids at that age but there would be a large amount of male pride in knocking up a younger woman and the statement to the world at large that I've 'still got it'. Male egos..eh?

You haven't mentioned if you would be prepared to raise a child on your own if push came to shove. Could you afford it? Is there enough family/friend support to even engage such thinking?

Just a thought......


*sits back and waits for own crucifiction*

I'm sure the OP would consider this, if the OP were a scumbag of course.

You should be banned just for suggesting it tbh.

ToniTuddle

thegirlwhopostedearlier wrote: »

First off as someone on the fertility medical journey a doctor can't generally tell you whether you can conceive without expensive, invasive & time consuming tests & even then its rarely a sure thing.

Well I wasn't sure of the exact details of how you go about checking if you were able to get pregnant so was just a suggestion to at least maybe discuss it all with her doctor.
Maybe talking to some professional will help her in some way or they can give her the advice she needs.

Secondly, how selfish is staying with a 39yr old woman who wants kids when you don't? Ok. so it's the woman's choice to leave... but life isn't always that cut and dry. We don't know how long this couple has been together or what her issues are, all we know is that she's taken on a man well into middle age & she's taken on HIS kids.

You could easily say how selfish is it to stay with a man who you know you will resent 10 years down the line....works both ways.
He is staying with her because he quite possibly loves her?
Same as why she is with him.
But the issue of kids has come up and he has every right to feel the way he does, same as she has every right to feel the way she does.

Yes she has taken on his kids and got involved in their lives but she choose to do that because she loves him and no doubts loves the kids too. Doesn't mean he has to go against his wishes and give her a kid just because she wants one and was soo good to put up with his kids. Life aint always that cut and dry as you said. Plenty grey areas and issues to deal with.

Judge a woman for an accidental pregnancy and you're probably judging half your family (no offence)....

If someone gets pregnant accidentally then why on earth would I judge them...it was an accident?
If someone DELIBERATELY sets out to get pregnant when they know their other half doesn't want children then that is wrong in my view. Just because a load of females do it all the time doesn't make it right. It's completely selfish and beyond unfair-in my view.

I was responding to the poster who suggested she consider going ahead and getting pregnant anyway and disregard her partners feelings about the situation.

Doode

I was in a very similar situation to you; in a relationship with a man older than me who had children from a previous marriage and got custody of them. He said he didn't want anymore children, however he negleted to tell me this until a couple of years into the relationship, when I had assumed that we would have children of our own. I have none. His children would have been in their teens then, and I think he saw light at the end of the tunnel once they would reach an age that they were no longer relying on him so much. He didn't want to go back to the routine of a baby/young child.

He was so adamant about not wanting anymore that he went and got a vascetomy! If I stayed with him my choice to have a child was removed.

It was a major decision but in the end I did the right thing in ending the relationship. At the time it felt like I was choosing between him and the possibility of having a child in the future, not knowing for sure if I ever would, however I realised that if I stayed, the choice would never be there. He could have had the vascetomy reversed but I knew that it was not what he truly wanted. And I didn't want to have a child with someone who was doing it just to please me.
In fact he more or less pushed for the relationship to end because he felt that I would end up resenting him. He used to say that one day the urge to have a child might be so strong for me that it could tear us apart.

Three years later (mid thirties)...I know I made the right decision. Because now I know that I would llike to have a child and if I had stayed it would have eaten me up inside.

I can understand where my ex was coming from. He didn't want to go down that road again...and yes letting go of the "one" can be hard to move on from, but I have no regrets in letting go of him, but I know I would regret not having the choice to have a child.

It's very hard for anyone to give you advice because your answer has to work for you, but in my experience, I found that trying to picture myself in 10 years time and where I would like my life to be helped me make that decision.

C2

Hi guys

Thanks for all the replys- really they help in every aspect. Just to reply to some of you- re diverdad (who I think is male?), I don't think that he meant anything bad by implying I accidentally get up the duff. I know a few situations where that has happened (would be denied if asked) and as another poster said the guys are so happy now. Sometimes guys are reticent but once the situation comes alone as one male friend said it's the 'best thing ever to happen to him'. Having said that I'm too honest to do it which I think sometimes hasn't necessarily done me any favours. I feel that it would be a bad start to get off to.

@tonituddle- I actually decided to have some tests done at the end of last year, they weren't great results (but not the end of the road), that was what made me pursue the issue further with him. I had said it to him CLEARLY several times over the last two years that I wanted a child but he kind of dodged the topic and I though that I was pushing things too fast. I suppose in a way, I feel a little hard done by because I was honeat about hw I felt way before this week and things progressed in a manner that I felt indicated acceptance of my needs for eg moving in together etc. In the time that I have been living there, I have become an alternative mother to his kids and I took it on wholeheartedly. I thought it was going to be 50:50 because of that- nieve .

Really at the end of the day, apart from avoiding this issue, he is great - he brings me breakfast every morning, cooks, cleans, takes me out regularly and is really attentive but still, i feel i do my fair share and the baby issue is really destroying us. He told me this week- he is adamant- no more kids. That’s what prompted me to post, because you are all objective and I'm so far from it. Really, I’m lost but I feel I have to go and its so hard because as I said before hes ‘the one’……minus one.

Thanks all.

ToniTuddle

Maybe when he dodged the issue he wasn't too sure how he felt about having more kids himself or maybe he knew all along but was afraid of loosing you. Only he knows the answer.

But I get the feeling from your posts that you will end up leaving him and fufilling your wish to have a child at some stage.

I'm genuinely really sorry you have to go through all this C2 can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling x