Work Issue

lynsalot · 05-03-2011 1:04pm #1

Hi guys,

Need some advice. Problems with my boss. I have a high level of absence which is improving now. To be fair the problem has been ongoing for some time but I will point out most (As in 90%) of my absences are certified. The issue has been dealt with within my HR department and I'm working closely with them to improve it.

That aside, my immediate boss has naturally been p'd off over my absence levels. Since the issue came to a head she's treated me differently to the other staff. Some that come to mind are mistakes that were made last year that she considered to be my fault. I had two mistakes which were my fault and caused ex gratias (Refunds to customers or payments from the company to fix up) However there were several others, one in particular which I could prove I'd done my job but she didn't believe me because the proof was on my records alone.

To explain I started keeping records of my own activities because my tasks don't follow check sheets and isn't confirmed by anyone so its just me. If I had printed and handed something to someone it was there word against mine. So I retained my own record of doing that. However when the other team claimed not to have rec'd it my boss told me my records were wrong. Anyway at my year end review I recd a lower mark than normal because of these ex gratias as she put it. I recd a very low bonus aswell because of it. If my marks continue at a low level I could face disciplinary action. On the advice of my flatmate i discussed it with her and she admitted she was pissed over my absence and felt the team couldn't rely on me and in her eyes I have to prove I am capable at my job before she'd consider ranking me the same as other people or promoting me etc

I had asked for more responsibility because i'm getting no training and I'm there 2 years but she refused. I told her I'd work hard to change her mind.

She's now twice publically humiliated me also because of my marital status. My marriage ended 2 years ago and I met my boyfriend around the same time. She was asking about it in front of everyone and I wouldn't answer her. Another girl said this new guy I was seeing was my bf. She asked when i met him. I answered and she shrieked "While u were married?" Every head in the place turned and stared at me.

Another incident occured few weeks ago. She shouted over to me that I'd be the first divorcee in the company (i'm separated) We weren't in a conversation. She'd recd a customer's divorce papers and I must have popped into her head. She was having a conversation with another supervisor and I could hear her mentioning my name. She then called me 3 times before I answered her and said "i was just saying you'll be the first divorcee in the company." now anyone whose anyone in my job knows my business but there were also new people in the job who didn't know and I was so humiliated.

So it was on my mind. I spoke with HR informally asking for advice. They said I should speak with her privately and she'd probably be mortified. I asked to see her for 5 mins. I told her i loved the jokes on the team, the banter we had and the dynamic on the team. I asked if she rmemberd the incident and she said kind of. So I said "Well you joked about me being the first divorcee etc etc" and i was embarrassed. I see how it was funny but it did cut close to the bone. I was going to leave it but I don't want something similar to happen again" she stared at me and then said she was very upset I felt like that and she thought I could take a joke.

I said "oh i can, i don't mean it like that, I meant there were ppl there who didn't know my business and it was embarrassing for me" She said if everyone went on like that we'd never speak to anyone" I was so upset. I felt like crying. I started babbling trying to fill the awkward silence. She said "Well thats fine, I won't joke with you anymore" I said "look i don't want anything to change, just on this topic it cut close to the bone" and she said "Fine I won't joke with you about THAT anymore" and that was the end of it

Why did I have to over explain myself. Does she not see what she did was wrong? So i spoke to HR. they said I can make a complaint. i spoke with someone else in the company in a support capacity who doesn't report back or anything.

I don't know what to do. A day later she changed my hours which annoyed me because my work is great. I meet all my targets. My work is completely independent to my work mates etc. I went back to her and asked could it be changed back and outlined my reasons. She said if I finish closer to the others i'd be more in sync with them. I went back to query that because to me it was a bull**** excuse. I politely explained my work doesn't impact on them and I prefered a longer morning because of the routine I have organised for myself.

She just wrote back, "I don't agree that there's a business need for your start time, and as I said you should finish nearer the time of everyone else" So basically telling me the decision has been made.

Now i will say she publically ridicules eveyone not just me but they don't have "pasts" like me lol. If i complain, I'm scared because I work under her and she intimidates me. If i don't i'm letting her treat me like this and possibly continue to bad mouth my work professionally causing problems for me down the line.

I've no idea what to do. What do u think? I'm so upset over it all. Came home last night and just cried for the night. I've had enough of fighting and being upset and the pressure she puts me under to impress and I never get any good feedback from her at all.

I hate going into the job. Really need advice on this. Thanks

Kimia · 05-03-2011 1:37pm

Lyn, I'm sorry to say, but you haven't done yourself any favours at all here. I don't know the reason for the absences but I'm surprised you think it's a good thing that 90% of them were certified, they should all have been certified or not happen!

From work's perspective, you are pretty much floating along, doing whatever you like. It appears that you have an appalling record, and you also march to the beat of your own drum by working completely separately from the team (different times etc).

I'm surprised you got a bonus at all from the story you've told here. You admit yourself that you've made mistakes that cost the company money, you have been repeatedly absent, sometimes with no reason and no cert, and you go to HR at the drop of a hat. You also argue about a reasonable sounding time change to align yourself with the team's hours. You have put yourself in this position.

Your direct manager sounds tactless and insensitive but it doesn't sound like bullying to me, if I'm honest. I think you sound a bit oversensitive actually and you need to toughen up a bit and become more professional. You also need to stop bothering HR all the time, it appears you've gotten a bit of a reputation as a moaner and trouble maker.

I'm sorry to say all this to you, and I hope you're not offended, that's just my opinion. If I were you, I would get stuck in at work and keep my head down, and get on with it. I'd work very hard and in time she will trust you again. Best of luck.

lynsalot · 05-03-2011 2:38pm

I should also also that unfortunately with the nature of our work mistakes do happen quite often. Others on the team had mistakes made earlier in the year. Mine were completely isolated to December. One was minor.

To answer some points from the previous post. My job description is such that the others on the team aren't involved in my work. That is not my fault. I work independently to them and meet my own targets each week. I'm not included in the team statistics for this reason and have my own which are assessed separately. This is the nature of the job I do. I've asked to be more involved with the team but i'm not allowed.

I am looking into applying for a separate role which may become available in coming months. Spoken with another manager who would be happy to take me on because of my proven track record in work. She did say that my recent absences were of concern but once there's a marked improvement she wouldn't be worried about it.

I work very very hard and have had reasons for the absences which I'm not getting into. They've included hospital treatment also. When I speak about non certified leave, I'm talking about 2 one day incidents where I didn't feel well but didn't visit the GP.

I have never brought an issue to HR in my life by the way. They obviously needed to see me about the absences and to organise time off for treatments. They aren't questioning the validity of my absence but want it improved from a business perspective so as I said I'm involved with them over it.

I went to speak with them over my absences one day when they had an open door policy and it was a non recorded chat just giving advice. I said I was very concerned about my leave and just got some things off my chest. I mentioned I had a problem with someone publically outing my personal life and how could I approach it without making it a big deal and they told me to speak with them. Afterwards I spoke to the same girl (Whose actually a facilities administrator who does admin for HR) and she said I could talk to a support colleague about options to take it further if i wished.

Aishae · 05-03-2011 5:25pm

i cant really comment on your situation as i feel you'd need to know more than should be disclosed here. leaving aside everything else:
as your manager she shouldnt be openly discussing/ gossiping/ joking about your personal life with others. having a good banter in a workplace is one thing but something like that is another.
unfortunately ive heard of managers like this several times.

Distorted · 05-03-2011 6:46pm

It all sounds very confusing to read. I'm trying to work out the facts. You have a high level of absences but you don't have an ongoing disability or major health problem (safe to assume this as HR would have raised it as a competence to do your job issue). You have also had a couple of days where you stayed off because you didn't feel well. You work different hours from your work colleagues and finish earlier and this is being changed to nearer to their times and you don't like this. The issue about the banter comments about your marriage honestly sound like you are trying to make as much trouble out of as small a thing as possible to entrench your position which you are worried about because of your level of absence. Mildly embarrassing, perhaps, but "public humiliation" - really?

You just sound like you're more interested in causing trouble than doing your job.

Tbh you sound a bit of a nightmare for a manager to deal with. You're not exactly making yourself popular at work or giving yourself a great reputation. Reading between the lines, you would rather not be at work. But is there something wrong with just keeping your head down and working hard and not causing trouble?

Your workplace actually sounds very lenient. I've worked in places where even small levels of absence were treated strictly, employees didn't stay off for all but the most major reasons and people got sacked for things like personal use of the internet at work.

lynsalot · 05-03-2011 10:32pm

Thanks for the replies. Very surprised at the responses I must say. (Not aisha's)

Its probably far too long winded to explain and more complex than what's stated already.

I'm clearly not over sensitive since my boss actually told me I'd pissed her off for being out so much and had been acting differently towards me since November. I sucked it up got on with it and her attitude changed towards me in January. It was very hard but I told her I took responsibility for the reputation I had in her eyes and we worked it out.

I'm an extremely hard worker and have worked there for over 4 years in two different teams. I unfortunately had medical reasons for absences over the last few months which in a 12 month period threw my levels of absence outside of the acceptable levels (They use the bradford factor) i was approached about it back in November and haven't been absent since. I attended hospital treatment 3 times a week for 8 weeks and make up the time in work each day out of my lunch hour and staying late. but the instance is still recorded on the books.

I find it strange that 2 people who don't know me at all think I'm looking for an excuse not to go to work at all lol you don't even know me.

There's a legacy of reasons why I feel my boss has been unfair towards me and I've only mentioned a couple. I even got on with it since last year but I draw the line at allowing her to shout and roar and laugh about my personal life in an open office within earshot of 30 people. Some of whom approached me afterwards not knowing my business to ask what she was on about. I thought by approaching her which took a hell of a lot of courage would solve it but she took offence and I felt humilated by her again because I want to impress her and want her to like me so I had to over explain myself and fill awkward silences and she told me I couldn't take a joke.

Yes i'll admit I'm very angry that I've worked so so hard to change her mind, stayed late, taken on extra stuff, given up annual leave to cover other staff and come to work since my absences had been high last year, and she showed such little respect for me that I wonder what it was all for. I don't want to cause any more aggro but I want her to ease off and give me a damn break. I'm doing my very best and she is putting me under too much pressure.

I appreciate the advice guys but if you are just going to call me a waster I'd rather you didn't leave comments.

LegacyUser · 05-03-2011 11:01pm

Kimia wrote: »

Lyn, I'm sorry to say, but you haven't done yourself any favours at all here. I don't know the reason for the absences but I'm surprised you think it's a good thing that 90% of them were certified, they should all have been certified or not happen!

From work's perspective, you are pretty much floating along, doing whatever you like. It appears that you have an appalling record, and you also march to the beat of your own drum by working completely separately from the team (different times etc).

I'm surprised you got a bonus at all from the story you've told here. You admit yourself that you've made mistakes that cost the company money, you have been repeatedly absent, sometimes with no reason and no cert, and you go to HR at the drop of a hat. You also argue about a reasonable sounding time change to align yourself with the team's hours. You have put yourself in this position.

Your direct manager sounds tactless and insensitive but it doesn't sound like bullying to me, if I'm honest. I think you sound a bit oversensitive actually and you need to toughen up a bit and become more professional. You also need to stop bothering HR all the time, it appears you've gotten a bit of a reputation as a moaner and trouble maker.

I'm sorry to say all this to you, and I hope you're not offended, that's just my opinion. If I were you, I would get stuck in at work and keep my head down, and get on with it. I'd work very hard and in time she will trust you again. Best of luck.

This is very unfair and based on some fairly wild assumptions.
Uncertfied absences happen, peple do have short-term medical issues that lead to unavoidable days off, which don't require a visit to a doctor.
Tactless and insensitive aren't excusable traits for managing people. You can't accuse the OP of not being professional enough, then allow for it on her manager's part.
HR are there for these issues, it's not "bothering" them to deal with them. You also can't just throw out a frankly silly statement about the OP getting a reputation, you have nothing but but an unsupported guess to base that on.
The OP may have made mistakes that cost the company money, but you have no knowledge of how much of her work has earned the company money. Virtually all businesses are aware of a margin for error. Never made a mistake yourself?
On the issue of the personal comments, the manager's only response should have been to apologise and say it wasn't malicious and won't happen again. To say she wouldn't joke with the OP again at all is a sulky, childish response and not the proper response of a manager, or even a mature adult. I manage a large, diverse group; if I behaved like this, I would expect frequent complaints and my apologies to sound increasingly hollow. People are entitled to dignity and respect in work.

Wompa1 · 05-03-2011 11:02pm

You may have overdone it with the absense to be allowed into her good graces at all I'm afraid. It's a pain in the ass but I could see why people would be cold towards you after being gone for so long. A woman where I work has been out for nearly 2 years, I'm not looking forward to her coming back because she will be a lean on the rest of us

lynsalot · 05-03-2011 11:15pm

My lord 2 years... I'm talking about 4 instances throughout the year a week each. and 2 one dayers.
Plus I had the hosp treatment which meant leaving a half hour before my lunch hour and returning an hour later and working a half hour longer in the day.

HR highlighted the 4 instances went above the allowed amount and called me to a meeting. Was taking off sick pay and told it had to improve which i'm doing now

Wompa1 · 05-03-2011 11:18pm

lynsalot wrote: »

My lord 2 years... I'm talking about 4 instances throughout the year a week each. and 2 one dayers.
Plus I had the hosp treatment which meant leaving a half hour before my lunch hour and returning an hour later and working a half hour longer in the day.

HR highlighted the 4 instances went above the allowed amount and called me to a meeting. Was taking off sick pay and told it had to improve which i'm doing now

Ohhh that's not so bad really I guess. every once in a while someones going to need that kind of time off, sounds like she might be unreasonable so

dellas1979 · 06-03-2011 11:47am

Your first post did not do you any favours in asking for advice.

If you dont articulate yourself properly, especially in work, and be seen as a team player, or friendly (ok - its a post-but you just dont come across as very friendly to work colleagues/managers/bosses), it leads to confusion and actually comes across as a bad attitude.

I dont doubt that what you've gone through medical-wise is genunine, and what your boss said should not have been said, but you've (or you are) sorting out the absences now, and youve said you peace to the boss, now leave it rest.

I think your boss thinks that you need to be taken down a peg or two (again from some of your posts and some of the reactions to your posts), and this is how she thinks she can do it. Fair play for standing up for yourself, but leave it now.

But it just seems you are drawing alot of this on yourself at the moment but you cant see that you are.

Kimia · 06-03-2011 2:10pm

Guessed wrote: »

This is very unfair and based on some fairly wild assumptions.
Uncertfied absences happen, peple do have short-term medical issues that lead to unavoidable days off, which don't require a visit to a doctor.
Tactless and insensitive aren't excusable traits for managing people. You can't accuse the OP of not being professional enough, then allow for it on her manager's part.
HR are there for these issues, it's not "bothering" them to deal with them. You also can't just throw out a frankly silly statement about the OP getting a reputation, you have nothing but but an unsupported guess to base that on.
The OP may have made mistakes that cost the company money, but you have no knowledge of how much of her work has earned the company money. Virtually all businesses are aware of a margin for error. Never made a mistake yourself?
On the issue of the personal comments, the manager's only response should have been to apologise and say it wasn't malicious and won't happen again. To say she wouldn't joke with the OP again at all is a sulky, childish response and not the proper response of a manager, or even a mature adult. I manage a large, diverse group; if I behaved like this, I would expect frequent complaints and my apologies to sound increasingly hollow. People are entitled to dignity and respect in work.

Well you have your opinion and I have mine, based on the information the OP provided. I stand by my post and btw both our posts are unsupported guesses because neither of us have knowledge beyond the op.

lynsalot · 06-03-2011 2:55pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

Your first post did not do you any favours in asking for advice.

If you dont articulate yourself properly, especially in work, and be seen as a team player, or friendly (ok - its a post-but you just dont come across as very friendly to work colleagues/managers/bosses), it leads to confusion and actually comes across as a bad attitude.

I dont doubt that what you've gone through medical-wise is genunine, and what your boss said should not have been said, but you've (or you are) sorting out the absences now, and youve said you peace to the boss, now leave it rest.

I think your boss thinks that you need to be taken down a peg or two (again from some of your posts and some of the reactions to your posts), and this is how she thinks she can do it. Fair play for standing up for yourself, but leave it now.

But it just seems you are drawing alot of this on yourself at the moment but you cant see that you are.

Hi Dellas,

I didn't realise my first post came across like that. I'm sorry if it seemed the case. And I was wondering why a lot of the responses where the way they were lol but it makes sense now. I am very annoyed over the whole thing so i'd imagine it's coming through in how I'm writing it.

Anyway thanks for your help. I have decided to leave it as per your advice. Spoke with my boyfriend over it the whole weekend because I have been very upset over it. I can see that I have my failings and I suppose felt I'd remedied a lot of them and then her reaction to my request to stop bringing up my personal life felt like the icing on the cake. See I've never been in trouble. I've always done well in things and been regarded as a nice person if u get what I mean. I also care far too much what other people think about me. So when i knew she have grievances with me I wanted so much to change her mind and worked hard. It was an odd situation because I was craving praise from her which she doesn't naturally give out. It was both frustrating but ultimately rewarding (A hard lesson to learn) and its definitely made me change my attitude towards the absences.

I never hold grudges and don't want my rep over the absence to create a legacy because I genuinely am a hard worker and I get great job satisfaction from my job, just from the routine , the pressure and having to be ultra organised because its an environment where the smallest error could create huge problems. As I've said I always have been regarded as a hard worker and this change in her view of me was completely new to me. My bosses have always found me reliable and trustworthy.

I am however proud of myself for broaching the subject about her joking around because this is the hardest and biggest thing thats ever happened to me and its taken a looong time to get over. The gas thing is I'd have no problem if she joked to me privately like that i'd have laughed but because other people stared at me and it brought attention and gossip to me I got very embarrassed. I thought she'd realise from my reaction (Very awkward and not really knowing what to say) that she'd stop but she's done it again. As hard as it was to approach her because she is intimidating to most people I am glad I told her it made me uncomfortable. I told her look whats happened has happened and while it was funny and I saw the joke it created an awkward situation for me. Her reaction shocked me and angered me (Because of what else has happened with her) If it was an isolated incident it wouldn't have annoyed me as much if that makes sense.

The reason I didn't want my hours changed was because in the mornings I sort out our post. From 8am post arrives (some mornings 5 bags) and I've to sort it out, assign to people on the team calculating lengths of time for each task and recording it. It takes an average of 3 hours per day because we're very busy. I was starting at 7.30 so I could have digital forms of post printed and assigned before the physical post arrived. It was a routine that suited me because it was quiet.

Other teams come to me with questions and complaints that I have to investigate and they start at 8am aswell so this was like my head start. My boss told me she wants post waiting for the staff on their desks when they come in (half 8) which I've been managing to do every single day. Since the change its all very rushed and hampers it somewhat. It was 10am before I got it out the other day and half 9 other mornings because I'm interupted so much in the mornings.

I've said this to her numerous times and she agreed there's too many questions so we set up a query log but people still come over. I've had to tell people i'm too busy to look at it now (Which really doesn't come naturally to me) and they've gone off to query it on the log but some questions don't require the query. It would be something like there's x on the phone looking for y which I've to source and they need it asap which we have to prioritise. It is very long winded and hence why I didn't get into it.

When I explained it to my boss and how my routine previously was better for me, she just said she didn't agree and the decision was made without discussing it any further with me.

Again that's fine I'll have to just try to work around it or come in earlier off my own bat to get it done.

As I said I have no problem admitting my failings and sucking it up as it where but I do think she expects a little bit too much and the pressure gets too much sometimes. Anyway I've taken tomorrow off as I've exams coming up which I'm studying for, for the job so that'll be the focus for the next while. I do find the work I do challenging and its another challenge in that respect so i'll be going in on Tuesday with that outlook.

By the way I really appreciate all the advice guys. I use boards as an outlet when I'm stressed to gauge others opinions from outside the box as it where. I do think some of the replies I recd are harsh and possibly unfounded but it based on opinion at the end of the day.

tbh · 06-03-2011 4:58pm

To give a quick answer - I'm not going to say what I think is right and wrong, because that doesn't matter you've told your story and asked what we think, well: your boss is pissed off with you for taking so much time off. She knows she can't do anything about that because it's certified so instead she's punishing you in her own way. She's not entitled to discuss any aspect of your personal life, there is no amount of banter about that which you should be expected to accept. It was tough to stand up to her, fair play. Again, she reacted to you standing up to her in the wrong way, by becoming defensive instead of apologising, probably because of your work history.

Personally, you've handled things the way I would hope to handle them, or how I would advise a friend to handle it. At the moment you are overshadowed by your absence record, but keep your head down and put it further behind you and things will get better.

lynsalot · 06-03-2011 7:33pm

Thanks tbh

lynsalot · 12-03-2011 12:41pm

Hi guys

I'm looking for some more advice please.

To given you some background on whats been happening since my last opening post, I wanted to apply for another job in the company. The positions were only contract so I asked the supervisor could I apply as a permanent employee. She asked HR and came back to me yesterday. The positions are only contract so whilst I could apply I'd put my permanency in jeopardy.

When I spoke with her we had a very frank conversation which I found very useful. We spoke about my absences. She knows quite a bit about me already. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and medicated for it. Tried different avenues first but medication was the only thing that worked. Mt absence levels have been on and off very bad over the 4 years. She asked me about it. I explained that believe it or not I've only pulled 3 sickies over 4 years - some of you will say I shouldn't be doing that at all. But it's already happened and I have to be accountable for it so thats the truth.

The way depression affects me is that I find it hard to cope sometimes. The difference the medication made to my life was incredible. Before the medication I had problems dealing with everything. Simple things that normal rational thinking would allow you to process and get over. For me any kind of stress was a big deal and I would be overly emotional and couldn't cope. I spoke with an old friend who I've reunited with over the past 2 years about it. She said in school it was very difficult with me. She'd cancel on me and I'd completely over react and couldn't see the wood for the trees.

This is completely true but when you're caught up in it you can't see it. U feel justified in how u feel because u wouldn't be so upset otherwise, would you? This made my relationship with my mam very difficult. When I was diagnosed she couldn't understand. She thought depressed people would be locked away in their room and didn't think I was depressed.

As soon as I started the medication I changed. They're not happy pills but when something goes wrong I can rationally get through it and cope.

When my marriage broke down it was an awful time and without these tablets I couldn't have gotten through it. I had a lot of responsibility to take on regarding the home and managing it. I know rent out a room. I'm responsible for the upkeep of the home, replacing things and paying for it all myself. It was part of the agreement. Before the tablets I relied heavily on other people and now I am so more independent its great. I don't think i'd have gotten through it otherwise.

My ex had been physically violent towards me and even though I knew it wasn't right and my mother had seen the bruises and was appalled I couldn't bring myself to leave. I didn't know how I'd cope without him. When I took the tablets I stood up for myself and learned to be independent and on my own.

Shortly after the separation (Which was a 1 year 4 months ago) my doc felt I was doing well and wanted to take me off the tablets so I started to cut down and come off them. The withdrawal symptoms were horrible. This is when my absences started up again (they were high before I got on the tablets) My mother was the first to notice the difference in me and she finally understood what depression was. After 3 months I went back to the doc and started taking the tablets again. The regular dose wasn't enough though and they had to increase them.

This all happened throughout 2010 and my absences crept up again. I'll tell you honestly hand on my heart what happened during this time. Something would happen in work one week, it would stress me out. I brought it all home with me every night and all weekend. I noticed all those feelings coming back again. I would get ill, maybe sore throat, or tonsilitis or something. Strangely always respiratory. I would get written out for a week and spend the week literally in the bed away from everyone. Where other people would've went back to work after the first/second day I'd take the week.

I hate that guilt returning to work. I just know that i've pulled the p1ss and my team mates know it and i've let them down. HR pulled me in and took me off sick pay and my absences got worse. I'm still not even entirely sure why. I just felt like a complete waster and couldn't face up to the reputation I'd given myself.

I know that i've brought this all on myself. I feel like I was a different person and I can't figure out why I was so stupid and couldn't have bucked up my ideas sooner. Why couldn't I have realised that I was making it all worse. The last few weeks I've tried to really figure out what is wrong with me that I keep doing this. Even though my absences have improved I still need to do this myself to stop it happening. I mean I'll never get anywhere with this attitude or outlook.

I told the supervisor all of this and she said I need to stay where I am on the team and talk to my supervisor. The thing is, the supervisor I spoke to yesterday is very approachable and a reall people person. I don't feel that I could explain this to my current supervisor without it looking like i'm making excuses which I'm not. I don't expect her to think I've changed or anything like that so if she asks what I want from her, what would i even say.

I want to turn a corner. I want my team to trust me. I'm willing to change myself to do it. I know from my absence levels, it'll be sept this year before the absences are back down below acceptable levels. I am so committed to making this happen but... that doesn't mean people's perceptions of me will change.

The supervisor yesterday suggested asking one member of my team whose quite diplomatic and approachable to meet with me. To ask her to have a think first about where she thinks i'm going wrong and to come and speak with me. She also said I should do the same with my boss. To first of all ask would she be willing to meet with me weekly for a while to tell me what i did well or didn't do well. What she wants from me and my opportunity to explain how I feel to her. The thing is at the moment I feel quite brow beaten as it is and I'm not sure I can really take anymore. As i said my boss has been pretty hard on me for the last while and I have worked hard to achieve those goals and I can see i'm getting back into the good books slowly but surely. I don't want to put a spanner in the works by aggravating the situation more.

I still stand by bringing up the personal jokes because outside of everything its something i just wasn't comfortable with.

I've read some things online for advice. They're advised to speak to the team on a whole and apologise to them. For the extra work I've caused them, for p1ssing them off. To promise to change and make a commitment to them.

I'm asking for some advice here guys. I don't know what the best thing to do is. Besides all of this, I still have the situation where my boss knows I wanted to apply for the other job and will probably expect me to explain why.

I just really want my superiors and peers to know that I get it. I know i've done the wrong things and I've created this mess. I want to explain to them that I am changing, or willing to change (I'm not sure what stage of the change i'm in because i'm still a bit raw and upset over things)

I feel a bit worthless at the moment if i'm honest. I know i have been worthless in their eyes because they've had to pick up the pieces. I can't even give them a proper explanation as to why some days I felt so **** i didn't come to work or didn't want to be there.

I spoke with a colleague and asked where she saw herself in 3 years., She said she was happy enough to just get paid every month and come in and go home. But I feel panicked to think I could be "stuck" doing this forever more. And I need to deal with that myself aswell. Its a catch 22. How can I expect to be moved on if i'm absent. Something I've created myself. It must sound nuts to the people in charge.

I just want to prove myself and feel valued in there. i'm not looking to blame anyone but myself. Everyone has stories and things gone wrong in their life. I'm sure i'm not the only person in the job whose had depression so why can't I get on with it like everyone else? I'm still trying to figure out why I did those things. I know that I want to change so I can get on well in work and be proud of myself because i'm not at the moment. But by looking at myself i'm quite upset at the moment and I'm not sure I can cope with getting more criticism without bursting into tears so i don't know what to do.

I don't want to ignore all thats happened like the elephant in the room but part of me wants to just keep quiet get my head down and do my work without bringing more attention to myself.

Can anyone offer some advice please? Maybe in 2 weeks or whatever i'll be more calm and I can then face those conversations but the main thing I want to portray is a responsible person. I genuinely know its my fault and I want them to know that and getting upset will only make it worse I think.

I know the post is quite long but if you've managed to read it all I'd really appreciate your advice.

ppink · 12-03-2011 1:08pm

OP I think you are stressing wayyy too much about this whole situation. I get the fact that you were off 4 weeks over 2 years and a couple of days.....this is hardly the end of the world. Yes it is hard for co-workers when this happens but this is life, sometimes these things happen and the most important thing above all else is that you get yourself sorted with your health.
I am sorry but your posts are very long and I may not have taken it all in. the fact is though you were diagnosed with an illness that needed treating. It was not like you went out looking for that illness!

I also missed a lot of work due to illness, not depression but another illness that was trial and error with drugs to get back to any normality. Now the people I worked with were not overly happy but i told them individually, i did not make a big drama out of it or tell them exactly what was wrong btu that I was sorry that pressure was put on them and that the docs were trying to help me, and if i could make it up to them I would.

These things do happen, more often than you think. Relax, concentrate on you and getting yourself back to feeling good, put your head down and get back to work.
I know of a situation where somebody was off for 9 months straight, put a lot of pressure on co-workers but that was life. HR were told what was wrong with them but noone else was told.

you have had a lot of stuff to deal with by the sounds of your last post. Are you speaking to a councillor about any of this? Sometimes unloading can be good for the soul;)

Best of Luck

lynsalot · 12-03-2011 1:23pm

Hi ppink,

Thanks for responding. The 4 absences were just in 2010. Previous to that there were other absences too before I was diagnosed. Things got better and then the separation happened and I made a balls of it in 2010.

I've tried counselling over the years for different things. I'm adopted and met my birth mother a few years ago and after a few years of knowing each other she stopped all contact with me without an explanation. So I tried counselling. It was ok but ultimately I needed to handle it myself at home

I went to counselling on my own for my marriage because he wouldn't go and i didn't find it useful at all.

I even tried studying counselling last year but found it brought far too many memories and things up for me that i'm far better helping people practically than emotionally. I over analyse things far too much.

Maybe i should revisit counselling but from my experiences always find the price doesn't justify what I get from it. Tried budget counselling before too and the therapist was a little loopy and I just couldn't bond with her.

Maybe a weekly counselling session would let me offload without bringing all my baggage into the job with me.

ppink · 12-03-2011 1:46pm

You are hung up on these absences I think;). they are in the past and you cant torture yourself with them. I am sure there are millions of people out there who have all sorts of stuff in their past worse than a few absences due to problems.
I think you could do worse than look into the councilling anyway. I did some and cognitive behaviour therapy after I got sick as I found it very hard to cope with having an illness.
The CBT is great but you need to find someone you bond with. I did a lot of research into "the right someone" and we had the discussion on the phone that we would meet up and see if both of us felt comfortable with each other and proceed from there.

Initially I was not too happy with spending the money but to be honest it payed me back tenfold. the therapist I found was private but did reduced rates for unemployed or those suffering with the recession too.

remember we are all allowed to have off times. 2010 was not your year but that does not say 2011 will not be totally different!

very important Lynsalot is you are going to find a councillor that you find one you are comfortable with, you wont click with everyone;).

LegacyUser · 12-03-2011 3:45pm

I understand if you have been finding work difficult. I mean, Jesus, you've been through hell and back. THat would knock anybody sideways. I went through something similar several years ago and the depression I suffered as a result led to me leaving my job, leaving university and basically doing nothing for 2 years. So I get where you're coming from and I applaud you for continuing to work despite all the **** you've been through.

Maybe you need to think about whether you're honestly stable enough for the commitments you have to make to your current job. From what I've read in your posts (I've read the whole thread and have seen you post around here before), you don't come across as being totally stable with regards to your depression. If you're finding work to be as stressful to you as it sounds, have you considered that maybe all that stress is exacerbating your depression, and maybe preventing your medication from doing their job? My anti-depressants are helping me the way you described - I can be rational and calm and think things through, they're not happy pills. But when there was a period of time where I was under a lot of stress recently, my medication didn't help at all because there was so much drama that it just piled up and overwhelmed me.

IF it's like that for you in work at the moment, maybe think about a change of career, or going part time?

lynsalot · 12-03-2011 7:41pm

Hi Cheesenomnom I love ur username lol its brilliant!

I've looked around for other jobs actually but i'm on a good wage and unfortunately moving to a different career isn't an option because i've no other experience and my mortgage is a huge commitment. It takes quite a large amount of my wages every month so maintaining that means I couldn't take a pay cut. To move to another job for the same wage would just be in the same industry anyway.

My role in work in annoying because while I work on a team, its a pro active role mostly and allows me time to plan out my day myself. However it means i've lost out on the product knowledge I used to have. So to move now wouldn't be a good idea. I can't gain back that knowledge because of my absence. It's holding me back from learning new things because my boss isn't overly impressed with me. I am doing exams outside in the field so that'll stand to me.

However when the divorce goes through, if there's a chance I might get out of the mortgage which is unlikely maybe then I can change careers. It's about 3 years away but from speaking with the bank and solicitors, it looks like the mortgage won't be going away anytime soon. The apt is only 3 years old, and has lost 100K at least since we bought it.

My current partner would be interested in taking it on with me in 3 years all going well. He's not on great money though. But like everyone is saying hold tight and ride it out. Maybe in a few years the property market will have improved and our options may be better then.

I definitely don't think i'm cut out for the job i'm in and maybe i need to be easier on myself and realise that i'm not cut out for promotions and all that. Just go in and keep the head down. I'm thinking bringing it all up again with my boss or team is a bad idea. I don't want to get into it all with them and I don't want to get more bad feedback from my boss because honestly I've had enough from her already lol it won't be anything new.

On a sidenote, she hasn't announced it but we think she's pregnant. about 2 and a half months. All the signs point to it. So we're 90% sure she is, and if she is, it means she'll be on maternity in a few months which will make the situation a bit better.

I'm glad you've been through something similar and know what I mean by the anti depressants. I really appreciate your advice.

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