Promiscuous Friend

LegacyUser

One of my closest friends has been 'sleeping around' for the last couple of years- at least one guy a weekend if not more. She goes out and gets really drunk and is shamefully forward, throwing herself at guys, who she usually ends up bringing home. She makes it clear that she is not looking for commitment because she doesn't want to look desperate but it just gives these guys license to walk all over her. Sometimes she even sleeps with guys she doesn't even LIKE because she is so drunk or because she thinks that they fancy her. She also has no discretion about who she talks to about her exploits and has gotten a reputation. I know that she would really like to meet someone and have a relationship but her behavior is stopping that from happening. Good friends have tried to show her that she is letting herself be used and becoming a bit of a laughing stock but she is very stubborn. She surrounds herself with false friends who don't really care about her but egg her on so they can have a good laugh.

I am worried about her physically and emotionally- physically, that she will end up with an STD (has already happened), pregnant or raped, and emotionally, that she will ultimately end up lonely and a figure of fun.

I would like to ask posters, first of all, if this is acceptable behavior, am I out of line? If she is happy as she is should I just leave well enough alone? and if its not how do I get through to her?

Thanks for your help.

Zeouterlimits

If you've spoken to her about your concerns as a friend, I'm not sure what you're really entitled else to do.
How do her other friends feel about her? And her family?

Firetrap

Apart from speaking to her, there's nothing else you can do. She's an adult and has decided to ignore what her friends have told her. It's her choice to do what she's doing.

Does she have any family members - a sister for example - that you could approach?

Taltos

Firetrap wrote: »

Apart from speaking to her, there's nothing else you can do. She's an adult and has decided to ignore what her friends have told her. It's her choice to do what she's doing.

Does she have any family members - a sister for example - that you could approach?

+1
The other thing is after your last chat with her tell her that you are no longer comfortable being in her company. That her behaviour is not the type of behaviour you find acceptable nor want to be associated with - guilty by association and all that. Let her know that it is hurting you too much to see what she is doing and that while you have many great memories you can no longer be there enabling her behaviour.

You may have to accept that she just won't change OP in which case you may be best moving on with your friendships...

mpdg

concerned friend wrote: »

One of my closest friends has been 'sleeping around' for the last couple of years- at least one guy a weekend if not more. She goes out and gets really drunk and is shamefully forward, throwing herself at guys, who she usually ends up bringing home. She makes it clear that she is not looking for commitment because she doesn't want to look desperate but it just gives these guys license to walk all over her. Sometimes she even sleeps with guys she doesn't even LIKE because she is so drunk or because she thinks that they fancy her. She also has no discretion about who she talks to about her exploits and has gotten a reputation. I know that she would really like to meet someone and have a relationship but her behavior is stopping that from happening. Good friends have tried to show her that she is letting herself be used and becoming a bit of a laughing stock but she is very stubborn. She surrounds herself with false friends who don't really care about her but egg her on so they can have a good laugh.

I am worried about her physically and emotionally- physically, that she will end up with an STD (has already happened), pregnant or raped, and emotionally, that she will ultimately end up lonely and a figure of fun.

I would like to ask posters, first of all, if this is acceptable behavior, am I out of line? If she is happy as she is should I just leave well enough alone? and if its not how do I get through to her?

Thanks for your help.

Why is your friend having multiple partners and non-monogamous sex is wrong? As in of itself, it isn't morally wrong as long as all partners are consenting.
Is she is a willing, assertive participant who genuinely wants to have sex with them, how does that make her be walked all over or used? Because she ought to be looking for a run-of-the-mill relationship instead?

I think there are alarming issues which should be separated from non-committal sexual relations - the issue is not the sex, it's with your friend's view of herself.

For example, why does she drink to the point of oblivion? Her friends do? Habit? It's what she needs to enjoy herself?
Is her reasoning behind having sex, as you said, not pure? Does she feel bereft without feeling loved and is trying to make up for that? This has nothing to do with her sex life, it has to do with emotional problems.
What you have mentioned about her friendship group indicates, to me anyway, that she is seeking refuge with anyone that will take her in.

I reread and it sounds more cruel than I meant it.

Katgurl

Taltos wrote: »

+1
The other thing is after your last chat with her tell her that you are no longer comfortable being in her company. That her behaviour is not the type of behaviour you find acceptable nor want to be associated with - guilty by association and all that. Let her know that it is hurting you too much to see what she is doing and that while you have many great memories you can no longer be there enabling her behaviour.

You may have to accept that she just won't change OP in which case you may be best moving on with your friendships...

I am totally lost as to why any of the above would be necessary. How is this girl not being a worthwhile friend?

Op I understand you are concerned about your friends health, safety reputation but there is a slight hint of judgement from your post. Has your friend actually stated she doesn't enjoy her current lifestyle and is anxious to be in a relationship? And so what if she is open about her choices, if she isn't ashamed why should she lie about it?

On the other hand if she is a bit naive about how she is presenting herself I would suggest speaking in her company about some fictitious person who has gotten themselves stuck with a reputation she can't shake an now everyone is laughing at her and no man takes her seriously. Just be clear that while these double standards and prejudices aren't fair, they do exist.

I'd leave it at that though. At the end of the day it's her life and unless she's not being a friend to you in some way you haven't stated then it is really none of your business and you should respect her choices.

Denerick

Either don't be so judgemental or stop hanging around her if it bothers you so much. You've made it clear what you think, to be frank you can't micromanage her life. She is sovreign over her own body and her own life choices and you have no right to treat her like a wayward adolescent.

LegacyUser

op here. thank you for your responses.

there is no way that i would abandon the friendship- in every other way she is a great friend, loyal, trustworthy, caring.

other 'real' friends have brought it up with her but she won't listen. she is still happy to meet up with us sober but is avoiding nights out, i suppose because she feels that we are judging her behavior. her family is totally in the dark and approaching them is not an option.

i AM concerned about being judgemental- do not want to foist my values on her. if this is how she truly wants to live her life then i would support her BUT what makes me think she is unhappy is that often after she has one of these one night stands she is so excited waiting for the guy to call, wondering is this 'the one' only for it all to fall apart- and then its the 'real friends' who are mopping up the tears and the drinking buddies are nowhere to be seen. often a guy is interested and then suddenly drops her. i know for sure that on a few occasions this is because he was warned off or slagged off by his mates. she has already had this pointed out to her, subtly, nicely and bluntly but dismisses it as old fashioned b*ll*x, but as katgurl says, the prejudice does exist, its not fair but it is realistic.

would be interested to hear opinions from any guys out there- would you embark on a relationship with a girl who has this kind of reputation?

i cringe for her when she will tell a pub full of people about her latest drama- she thinks she's great cause they're in stitches but a lot of them are laughing at her, not with her.

my biggest fear is that something horrible is going to happen to her when she's p*ssed one night, especially since she has stopped going out with the people who really care about her and do not 'look after her' when she's unable to look after herself. i really hope that this is not what it will take to get through to her. if it wasn't for this i would be happy to let the whole thing lie, which is what i have been doing in practice.

LegacyUser

look when i was in my early 20's i went through a phase of going out and having one night stands/one night snogs. i drank, i smoked, i had sex with people. i wasn't disturbed, i wasn't disgusting, i wasn't being walked over, i wasn't being naiive, i didn't want a relationship. i just liked having sex. the only difference between me and people who were slapped on the back for 'sowing their wild oats' was that i was a woman. i had zero interest in being tied down in a relationship until years later, and if i saw a guy i was sexually attracted i made it quite clear what was on the table. i didn't care about people who made ridiculous comments about 'reputations' because that whole concept of what is and isn't acceptable is just so ludacrous. who are they to judge?

i think, despite your concern for your friend OP, that you in some way think this behaviour is wrong. that's not your right. you can express your concern for her, but ultimately what she does is none of your business, unless it directly affects your personal safety, which i'm not sure how it even could?

Azureus

I have a friend very similar OP, and while I dont agree with her choices, there is nothing more that you can do but say it to her. Sit her down once more and chat about it; dont criticize her choice, because that is hers to make, but let her know everything that you have mentioned in your posts (how you think she is being used by friends etc).

She might just need to get this wild phase out of her system. Do you know for sure that she wants to settle down? This could be something she needs to do before getting involved n a relationship; there is no point in her getting a commited boyfriend if she is going to crave freedom and one night stands three months down the line.

Personally, I distance myself a little from friends like these especially on nights out. I'll still be the best girl friend on a day-to-day basis, but I dont wanna be lumped in with that kind of behaviour because its a reputation I dont want associated with me (and you will be tarred with the same brush, rightly or wrongly). Each to their own once she is honest to herself about the reasons behind her behaviour.

In response to the poster above, it is not the OPs personal safety that she is concerned with, it is her friends (which I think is honourable). You might not have been naive, but if this friend is going out and getting STDs which the OP has stated she has, then her friend definately is naive, if not stupid.

There is nothing more you can do but be honest to you friend and express your concern for her safety. Let her know how you feel about it and that youre not being prudish, but that you think she really should take the neccesary precautions and maybe be a little pickier about the men she chooses for fear of getting used and abused.

greengiant09

sowhatnow? wrote: »

look when i was in my early 20's i went through a phase of going out and having one night stands/one night snogs. i drank, i smoked, i had sex with people. i wasn't disturbed, i wasn't disgusting, i wasn't being walked over, i wasn't being naiive, i didn't want a relationship. i just liked having sex. the only difference between me and people who were slapped on the back for 'sowing their wild oats' was that i was a woman. i had zero interest in being tied down in a relationship until years later, and if i saw a guy i was sexually attracted i made it quite clear what was on the table. i didn't care about people who made ridiculous comments about 'reputations' because that whole concept of what is and isn't acceptable is just so ludacrous. who are they to judge?

i think, despite your concern for your friend OP, that you in some way think this behaviour is wrong. that's not your right. you can express your concern for her, but ultimately what she does is none of your business, unless it directly affects your personal safety, which i'm not sure how it even could?

sleeping with people your not even attracted is not a good sign at all.....fair enough if you're attracted to them but if you're not, it suggests deep personal issues.

Miss Fluff

Of course it's her own life, as are the choices she makes. My concern would be the fact that she is getting hideously drunk and then making bad choices. Does she use protection every time? Does she go home with these randomers or do they come back to hers? If she wants to ride rings around herself and is bein sensible about it all then I guess there's not a whole lot you can say but if she is putting her own sexual health at risk (hell, putting her life at risk come to think of it) then yes, you need to really have a chat with her and tell her to cop herself on. I'd also tell her that she's become a laughing stock, maybe show her this thread OP.

James400

OP, let's be honest what she's doing is reckless not to mention dangerous for a variety of reasons...with getting pregnant and God forbid ending up with the wrong type of guy, top of the list.

Also some people would argue that she's showing almost zero self-respect.

Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous carry on.

Not to mention creating (if she hasn't already) the wrong sort of a reputation for herself. Not good, she needs somebody talk to, if it continues i'd nearly consider she goes to see a counsellor.

Wagon

Talk to her and express your fears if you haven't already but beyond that, there isn't anything you can do. If she wants to be a slapper, she can be. There isn't anything wrong with it and the only person she might be damaging is herself.

I'm sure she's old enough to take responsibly for her actions. You don't have to, so don't get involved. Trust me, it's easier.

LegacyUser

This girl is going on nights out without you, so you're not part of it & she's not embarrassing you there. I wouldn't worry too much about 'reputation' - we get 'reputations' for lots of things, not all negative. The men might well not be judging her as harshly as your female circle. If you're uncomfortable with the 'why hasn't he called?' end of the deal, then express your views on promiscuity when she's asking. But if she's loyal, trustworthy & all these other things as you say, then she's not a complete trainwreck and no doubt she'll learn the other lessons in her own time... or she might find love. I had a one stand with a man... and now he's my husband. We all take 'detours' along the way. Ultimately you only have to look after yourself, and other people are often more capable of looking after themselves then we give them credit for.

Firetrap

Someone once posted in here a guy's view on one night stands and a lot of blokes chimed in and went "me too". It's a pity I can't find it because it might of been of some enlightenment to your friend. While it undoubtedly takes two to tango when it comes to one night stands and if a woman wants to have them, that's fair enough, there is a double standard when it comes to guys looking for girlfriends. They'll happily have sex with girls if it's offered to them but rarely do these turn into meaningful relationships. Guys do tend to differentiate between one night stands and girlfriends, the logic being that if a woman is willing to go home with a guy she barely knows, she's not girlfriend material. Perhaps this message hasn't registered with your friend, if you are right and she actually wants a boyfriend and not a series of notches on her bedpost.

Partizan

concerned friend wrote: »

One of my closest friends has been 'sleeping around' for the last couple of years- at least one guy a weekend if not more. She goes out and gets really drunk and is shamefully forward, throwing herself at guys, who she usually ends up bringing home. She makes it clear that she is not looking for commitment because she doesn't want to look desperate but it just gives these guys license to walk all over her. Sometimes she even sleeps with guys she doesn't even LIKE because she is so drunk or because she thinks that they fancy her. She also has no discretion about who she talks to about her exploits and has gotten a reputation. I know that she would really like to meet someone and have a relationship but her behavior is stopping that from happening. Good friends have tried to show her that she is letting herself be used and becoming a bit of a laughing stock but she is very stubborn. She surrounds herself with false friends who don't really care about her but egg her on so they can have a good laugh.

I am worried about her physically and emotionally- physically, that she will end up with an STD (has already happened), pregnant or raped, and emotionally, that she will ultimately end up lonely and a figure of fun.

I would like to ask posters, first of all, if this is acceptable behavior, am I out of line? If she is happy as she is should I just leave well enough alone? and if its not how do I get through to her?

Thanks for your help.

OP, your friend is like a slow motion train wreck waiting to happen. If she continues down this route, she will come out of it very badly with either getting pregnant/STD or being blacklisted as a loose woman. There is very little you can do for your friend who sounds quite frankly emotionally insecure and immature. A person who behaves like this has very low self esteem and has virtually no respect for herself or others. I would stay well away from her and when she comes to grief which she most likely will, have nothing to do with her and point out to her that she had been warned many a time before. People like your friend will learn their lesson the hard way.

bubbaloo

OP - you sound like a good friend. I don't think you come across as judgmental - rather that you have very real concerns for your friend. And imho I think you're right to have those concerns.
However, I would think your friend's behaviour is a direct consequence of her own state of mental health. She undoubtedly has a very low opinion of herself and craves the attention of these men, but ultimately what she is really looking for is love.
This does not have to end badly, if you, or someone close to her, can speak to her honestly and openly.
In reality, she is probably aware of the negative impact of her behaviour and would love to change, so she may be willing to open up and speak truthfully about her behaviour, given the opportunity.
Perhaps you could suggest a "girl's night in" and after a glass or two of wine bring up the subject.
If she is unwilling to discuss it then you would probably be best to leave it. She will not change until she is willing to do it for herself.
You can only be there as a friend for her if the worst happens.
Good luck.

iguana

Firetrap wrote: »

Guys do tend to differentiate between one night stands and girlfriends, the logic being that if a woman is willing to go home with a guy she barely knows, she's not girlfriend material. Perhaps this message hasn't registered with your friend, if you are right and she actually wants a boyfriend and not a series of notches on her bedpost.

Or perhaps the last thing the OP's friend would ever want is a relationship with a hypocrite?

OP, without knowing the ins and outs of the situation it's hard to know exactly how justified your concerns are, but you are coming across to me as judgemental.

Lots of women enjoy one night stands for all the right reasons and rather than having a lack of self-respect for doing so, they are actually showing that they are confident enough to follow their own desires no matter what others think. The fact that your friend seems to be getting extremely drunk when engaging in this behaviour, however, is worrying, as if she needs to get drunk then she's hardly brimming with confidence. If you want to bring this up with her again, I'd be focussing on why she feels the need to drink so much if she's really doing things she consciously wants to do.

However whatever the two-faced idiots who are snickering behind their hands at her think shouldn't worry you. And it's when reading your comments about them that I pick up the most judgement from you. You care about what these people think. It bothers you that they laugh at her not with her. Your friend doesn't seem bothered, so that nobody's issue but yours.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Guy here. If I heard about that kind of behaviour pattern I'd have zero interest in her.

Sleeping with guys she doesn't like because she wants to feel wanted? Would run a million miles. If thats her mindset she'd still want new guys when in a relationship.

Also wouldn't want to even sleep with her, she's probably riddled.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat as the friend of the OP to some extent.

I have alot of one night stands, not every weekend, but often-ish. I tell myself and others that I just do it for fun and because I enjoy sex and don't even want to be tied down in a relationship, which is what most others like me would say. People have an image of being promiscious as it being fun and passionate and great, but in reality, it's usually not that great. I think I really just want to feel wanted and loved. And this is the complete wrong way to go about it, because as people have said, guys wouldn't really be interested in relationships with the kind of girl who sleeps around. They probably think that to me each of them are just another meaningless sexual partner, which most of them are, but once or twice I've met guys I genuinely like and would be interested in getting serious with, but it never happens because they know that I'm promiscous and don't belive I like them.

I would never admit it to my friends or anyone that this is how I feel about my behaviour because it is embarrassing and desperate.

Maybe your friend feels the same. She wants to be loved and is just going about it the wrong way. She would probably love to have somehow to talk to about it in a nice and unjudgemental way, you should do just that.

Katgurl

Partizan wrote: »

OP, your friend is like a slow motion train wreck waiting to happen. If she continues down this route, she will come out of it very badly with either getting pregnant/STD or being blacklisted as a loose woman. There is very little you can do for your friend who sounds quite frankly emotionally insecure and immature. A person who behaves like this has very low self esteem and has virtually no respect for herself or others. I would stay well away from her and when she comes to grief which she most likely will, have nothing to do with her and point out to her that she had been warned many a time before. People like your friend will learn their lesson the hard way.

I am quite frankly, aghast at some of the replies on this thread. If a woman wants to go out and behave in a way that is damaging to no-one except potentially herself, why on earth would the OP have nothing to do with her, abandon her & completely insult her?

To the OP, i did misunderstand your original OP & think it somewhat judgemental but after you updated I completely changed my mind and see you are just concerned for your friend which is really admirable.

If you really believe she is making herself unhappy then do have a chat with her but tread very carefully as she is likely to be defensive. You could start by asking her how the lovelife is & any interests at the moment. Then ask her if she'd like to have a boyfriend at the moment or sees herself settling down with anyone in the future. You know, just general chitchat. Hopefully she will open up to you and it might pave the way for a frank talk and she might reveal some insecurities that would surprise you. I know when i went through a promiscuous stage it was a way at avoiding relationships because i was worried about someone getting close to me. It could be somethign like that.

If she's adamant that she is having fun then, unfortunately you have to take her at her word or it will drive a rift between you. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then perhaps you could find a way to leave the door open in case she does ever want to broach the subject - as the previous poster suggested she might be dying for a non-judgemental supportive chat.

Again to all the posters suggesting you drop her like a hot potato before her reputation rubs off on you or otherwise, i am truly disgusted. That is not what friendship is about.

prinz

Katgurl wrote: »

Again to all the posters suggesting you drop her like a hot potato before her reputation rubs off on you or otherwise, i am truly disgusted. That is not what friendship is about.

Neither is it about holding your tongue and standing by while your friend engages in risky and potentially damaging behaviour (to herself or others).

SarahG91

I have a high sex drive and understand how sometimes you just *need* to do it... and yes I've had one night stands for that reason. But I'm under no illusions when I'm looking for a taxi at 8 in the morning with my knickers balled up in my handbag that it was ever going to lead to candlelit dinners and bridal gowns and babies, because it wasn't *about* that....

Some people are defending her right to sleep with whoever she wants, and of course she does have that right....its a free country.... but if she gets a reputation from going to bed with multiple men in a single weekned, it will stick. Condemn it or call it old-fashioned if you will but there's still a strong culture in this country of the 'self-respecting' type of girl who is 'wife material', and that's not the girl who gets hammered drunk and goes home with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Her friend is in a difficult position. If I was her I would tell her straight up that if she wants a relationship she has to cool her jets, stop drinking so much, and look for a guy who wants more than a roll in the hay. She also needs to know the risks of having sex with strangers while completely drunk, because some guys wont use a condom if you don't make them.

LegacyUser

OP here. Looking over the posts here and back on the situation it does seem that the big issue here is actually the drinking and not so much the sex.

Her behaviour changes so radically when she's had a few too many, she is like a different person and I'm sorry to say that her self respect seems to go out the window. Not just because she is jumping into bed with whoever will have her but because she is extremely lax in her regard for her own personal safety, which is MY biggest issue with the situation. She pretty much leaves contraception to the discretion of the guy, as I realised when she DID contract an STD and tried to figure out who gave it to her and who she may have given it to. She uses the morning after pill frequently, a situation that I fear will only get worse now that it is over the counter, and I am worried about its impact on her reproductive health.

She also gets herself into dangerous situations due to being drunk- like inviting strange men into her home (I feel really sorry for her flatmate, who has taken to stashing stuff like her ipod and phone in her room on weekend nights cause of the through traffic) or going back to theirs; or leaving all her friends in pursuit of some guy and being left wandering around alone, legless, when it doesn't work out.

A few people have pointed out that it could be just a phase, something that she needs to get out of her system, and something that a lot of people go through in their twenties. I would agree with this to an extent but I think that society in general is a lot more forgiving of this kind of behaviour in younger women, less so in thirty-somethings. My friend spent the majority of her twenties in a relationship with a guy that everyone, her included, thought she would marry. It turned out the guy was two timing her, the 'other woman' got pregnant and he ended up making an honest woman of her. Obviously she was pretty traumatised by this and her trust has been damaged.

She couldn't even let a guy chat her up for years and when she eventually started the current pattern of behaviour we actually encouraged her- thought it would be good for her to get back on the horse until she was ready to move on. But this has been going on for a couple of years too long for it to be just a phase. Its nearly ten years since she broke up with the guy and the closest thing she has had to a relationship is having a fcukbuddy of sorts, ie a guy who rings or texts her at the end of the night if he hasn't had a better offer. The few times she's gotten into this situation is really heartbreaking because each time she treated it like it was the start of a relationship, wondering should she invite him as a plus one to weddings etc when it was crushingly obvious if the guy only ever texted her when he was hammered and looking for a shag but had no interest in meeting up with her outside that then he clearly wasn't looking for a relationship, with her anyway. This usually ends with they guy saying 'we can't do this anymore' and he has 'met someone', and her world falling apart. This, to me, looks like her being used, or allowing herself to be used. I think she is so terrified of being cast into the role of the woman on the wrong side of thirty with their biological clock ticking that she overcompensates by coming across like she's just in it for the sex.

Also, she is perfectly lovely when we meet up for coffee and gossip mid week but if she does do something with us as the weekend she acts totally differently. Like if we're having a meal and we're all having a glass of wine she will be knocking back the spirits, not really able to relax, on her phone texting, pretty much looking for someone to go out on the town with. Its almost like the behaviour of an addict looking for a fix. The other girls are a little bit sad about it, that we're not exciting enough for her anymore (not really up for going to places where the music's too loud to talk, or you have to be off your face to dance to it, also don't have the disposable income to spend on going out). But I don't think she really likes those kind of places either, certainly not the music- its just a place for her to pick up men, usually unsuitable, often younger. I hate that she is being thought of as a 'cougar'. I'm really not bothered by how it reflects on me or that I will be tarred by the same brush. Myself and most of our friends are married and settled down now and I am too old to be worried by what the bunch of two faced b1tches who pretend to be her friends think of me.

I also know that none of my husband's friends would go near her, not because of her 'reputation' but because they know that it would be broadcast all over the local and made into the latest funny story. To my mind this is not on, it shows no respect for yourself or your sexual partner. People make out that its a gender issue but I would be equally unimpressed by a man or a woman who kissed and told like this. Its all well and good having a giggle with a few of your close girl friends but to let everyone know what you get up to between the sheets is just poor judgement if you ask me.

sorry, this is a bit of a rant, just needed to get it off my chest!

Taltos

Wow - this paints even a sadder picture than before. Look at it this way - if she consistently shows so little respect for herself - how the hell can she expect any self-respecting guy to show her any respect either.

Personally speaking I would steer well clear of someone with her reputation, for a number of reasons. One, because I don't think I could ever trust someone like her to remain faithful (her self-worth seems so wrapped up in sex that at the first fight I would expect her to get hammered, sleep with some knacker and then blame me), and also because I don't fancy being on the receiving end of one of her unknown STDs - not all show symptoms.

I would still spell it out to her one last time. Clearly she is using this behaviour as a crutch - maybe if she can see that she can begin to change it - however if she continues to act like this then I still think the best thing you can do is walk away (provided of course you cannot just switch off your judgements/concerns at her lack of concern for herself).