Short-Short Story

shefellover93

Right, well I said I'd throw up this considering it took me so long to write! Had to write a short-story over mid-term, and being the procrastinator I never got around it to it:rolleyes: So had to get it done on a Wednesday afternoon, the idea seemed good at the time but it was a struggle to write!

Tell me what you think anywho, there's no title as such

---

'Emmet? Emmet! Are you up?!' the once contently slumbering teenager wearily opened his eyes, surveying the cold early morning scene around him. Underneath the layers of duvets and covers he was warm, but seeing the steam rising from his breath promised a cold start to another boring school-day.

'Emmet!' His mother shrieked from downstairs 'This is the last time I'm going to call you!'. He sighed and mulled over all the reasons why he shouldn't get up, from the morning chill to the evening's work. There was one reason why he should get up though, and that outweighed all the others. Sarah Robinson.

Life in Belfast isn't easy for Emmet, or anyone else for that matter. It's April 1975, and Northern Ireland is buried in the troubles. It's been nine years since peace and around this time one year ago the 1,000th person died due to the sectarian disease. Now it seems that in-fighting has taken over. Both the main Catholic and Protestant groups have started taking each other apart in a series of assassinations. Whilst murders based on religion are still a regular occurrence on these streets.

Sarah is a protestant, but Sarah is far more then that. Her sparking blue eyes are the centerpiece, surrounded by a mane of flowing brunette locks, a perfect button nose and a smile that illuminated every place it graced its presence with. An intelligent, enthusiastic and well spoken young woman she has hopes to do Med in Birmingham when she leaves school, and Emmet is transfixed.

Keeping her in his thoughts, he slowly chewed over a piece of dry toast, not even noticing his mouth drying up as it tried to break down the fibre and carbohydrates. He grabbed his bag and headed out the door. The walk to St. Joseph's should only really take 20 minutes, but Emmet leaves an hour in time. It's either risk his life, walking through the Protestent estate and cut short the trip to school, or be safe and take the long road. Emmett didn't want to join the other thousand, an extra half an hour was worth it. It was the last 20 minutes of that walk that made his day worth the effort. It was there where he met Sarah on the corner.

Emmet had won the cup with Iveagh United FC the season before, a cross-community football team based in the west of Northern Ireland's capital. It was there he met Sarah, a sister of one of his team-mates William. 4 months, and hours spent together since that day the pair have spent nearly every morning walking the same 2 kilometer stretch on the way to their respective schools. He just can't get her out of his head, and the time to take things further has come.

In the grey, gloomy, concrete surroundings of inner-city Belfast Emmet's heart was pounding, even faster than usual in the company of the 5'7 girl. In his head an eloquent speech was to come. In reality, a few words sufficed;
'Fancy the Strand on Saturday?'
She paused for a moment, and her eyes flicked in thought.
'Yeah, why not?' and smiled at him, not a teethy grin, it was the sort of sheepish smile that almost gave Emmet a heart-attack in excitement. Suddenly the sky didn't seem so gloomy and school not so boring, every second worth living, taking him closer to her. He didn't confide his plans to a single soul though; as far as the Foley clan were concerned, Sarah was a Catholic; to the Robinson's, Emmet was just Billy's team-mate. The week dragged on, hours of schoolwork were briefly interrupted by training with United, and not a word from Billy, the chirpy midfielder would usually give Emmet a bit of a slagging over his sister but today he was unusually quiet.

They arranged to meet on the same street corner on which they had done so for the past 3 months, and Emmett was the first to arrive, a Bay City Rollers t-shirt clung to his skinny frame.

'You're the one girl in town I'd marry
Girl, I'd marry you now if I were free
I wish it could be.'

He saw the silhouette of his heart-throb in the warm April twilight, coming closer and closer. Her hourglass figure accentuated with a backdrop of the setting sun, this time he offered his hand, and she gladly accepted it. All of a sudden these murky streets seemed full of life and opportunity, every grey block a blank canvas in which to create something wonderful. Emmet opened the door of the packed Strand Bar, right in the heart of Belfast City, led Sarah in front of him and immediately felt the glow of the pub. He sat down opposite Sarah, and as he looked into her eyes what was clear conversation was now just a humdrum, all the other senses making way to allow him to capture every single detail.

The whole world seemed to slow down, but he managed to wrangle his attention away from her for a second, and look at the scene. He saw the faces, panic stricken faces, and grenade bouncing on the dance floor amongst the trample of footsteps. A bang and a shower of splinters were sent flying across the room, cartwheeling freely as they hurtled towards targets of human flesh. Emmet turned to shield Sarah but it was no use, her pierced heart wasn't the only one bleeding between the pair. Then, stillness.

Six people died that night in Strand Bar, in a combined grenade and gun attack, the responsibility was eventually claimed by the UVF.
Sarah Ann Robinson's funeral was held on Tuesday, 15th April 1975. Families from both sides of the divide paid their respects, including the Foley clan minus Emmet. She remains as one of the 3,526 people who have died as a result of the Troubles.
Emmet, who eventually awoke from a coma after two weeks, was left with only get well soon cards, shameful regret and a lifetime of bad memories.

tralalanin

to say that that was 5 mins of my saturday monring well spent is an understatement! well done!! are you leaving cert or college?? very talented either way!

EileenG

Lots of potential, but I felt it would benefit from some tightening.

Don't start with him waking up in bed. Unless he's actually in bed with Sarah, it's a waste of a scene. The first voice you hear is his mother calling him, but she has no place in the story at all. Why not start with him walking to school?

There's a lot of backstory. You could replace most of it with a newspaper headline about the 999th victim of the Troubles, and you've immediately set the time, place and situation.

I'd have liked to see more interaction between Emmet and Sarah. He says five words, she says three. Show them talking to each other and let us get to know them.

What's the significance of the silent Billy?

They're still at school, could they go to a pub? Even in 1975, there was an age limit to children in pubs in the evening.

pickarooney

The constant tense-jumping is really off-putting. The way you've constructed the first few paragraphs actually makes it sound like a film trailer with a bit of action and then the narrator's voice summarising the backdrop to the story. I'd advise you to pick a tense and stay with it and remove the 'voiceover', making the details stand out through the action and organic description of the events.

shefellover93

Thanks for all the positive feedback

tralalinin I'm in 5th year at the moment, and hoping to do English as a part Arts if/when I get in :pac:

Eileen G: I was trying to use the mother and bed tp set the kind of gloomy school morning scene, but I understand what yer saying. Billy is just there to show how they got to know each other despite the divide, I wasn't going to name him but after mentioning him twice I thought I might as well. Excellent points

pickarooney: It's really jumbled alright, I found it hard to write, and that's probably why it's not as coherent as it should be. I can see exactly what you mean though :cool:

EileenG

The thing is, in a short story, every single word has to earn its keep. In a full length novel, you might get away with stray characters and unnecessary scenes, but not in a short story.

It never occured to me to wonder how they met, they live in the same town, it's the fact that they managed to keep it going that is interesting, so keep the focus on them. I can see why he likes her, but why does she like him? How does the Troubles affect their relationship? Where do they go? What do they do together? Do their friends know?

H. Flashman

shefellover93 wrote: »

Right, well I said I'd throw up this considering it took me so long to write! Had to write a short-story over mid-term, and being the procrastinator I never got around it to it:rolleyes: So had to get it done on a Wednesday afternoon, the idea seemed good at the time but it was a struggle to write!

Tell me what you think anywho, there's no title as such

---

'Emmet? Emmet! Are you up?!' the once contently slumbering teenager wearily opened his eyes, surveying the cold early morning scene around him. Underneath the layers of duvets and covers he was warm, but seeing the steam rising from his breath promised a cold start to another boring school-day.

'Emmet!' His mother shrieked from downstairs 'This is the last time I'm going to call you!'. He sighed and mulled over all the reasons why he shouldn't get up, from the morning chill to the evening's work. There was one reason why he should get up though, and that outweighed all the others. Sarah Robinson.

Life in Belfast isn't easy for Emmet, or anyone else for that matter. It's April 1975, and Northern Ireland is buried in the troubles. It's been nine years since peace and around this time one year ago the 1,000th person died due to the sectarian disease. Now it seems that in-fighting has taken over. Both the main Catholic and Protestant groups have started taking each other apart in a series of assassinations. Whilst murders based on religion are still a regular occurrence on these streets.

Sarah is a protestant, but Sarah is far more then that. Her sparking blue eyes are the centerpiece, surrounded by a mane of flowing brunette locks, a perfect button nose and a smile that illuminated every place it graced its presence with. An intelligent, enthusiastic and well spoken young woman she has hopes to do Med in Birmingham when she leaves school, and Emmet is transfixed.

Keeping her in his thoughts, he slowly chewed over a piece of dry toast, not even noticing his mouth drying up as it tried to break down the fibre and carbohydrates. He grabbed his bag and headed out the door. The walk to St. Joseph's should only really take 20 minutes, but Emmet leaves an hour in time. It's either risk his life, walking through the Protestent estate and cut short the trip to school, or be safe and take the long road. Emmett didn't want to join the other thousand, an extra half an hour was worth it. It was the last 20 minutes of that walk that made his day worth the effort. It was there where he met Sarah on the corner.

Emmet had won the cup with Iveagh United FC the season before, a cross-community football team based in the west of Northern Ireland's capital. It was there he met Sarah, a sister of one of his team-mates William. 4 months, and hours spent together since that day the pair have spent nearly every morning walking the same 2 kilometer stretch on the way to their respective schools. He just can't get her out of his head, and the time to take things further has come.

In the grey, gloomy, concrete surroundings of inner-city Belfast Emmet's heart was pounding, even faster than usual in the company of the 5'7 girl. In his head an eloquent speech was to come. In reality, a few words sufficed;
'Fancy the Strand on Saturday?'
She paused for a moment, and her eyes flicked in thought.
'Yeah, why not?' and smiled at him, not a teethy grin, it was the sort of sheepish smile that almost gave Emmet a heart-attack in excitement. Suddenly the sky didn't seem so gloomy and school not so boring, every second worth living, taking him closer to her. He didn't confide his plans to a single soul though; as far as the Foley clan were concerned, Sarah was a Catholic; to the Robinson's, Emmet was just Billy's team-mate. The week dragged on, hours of schoolwork were briefly interrupted by training with United, and not a word from Billy, the chirpy midfielder would usually give Emmet a bit of a slagging over his sister but today he was unusually quiet.

They arranged to meet on the same street corner on which they had done so for the past 3 months, and Emmett was the first to arrive, a Bay City Rollers t-shirt clung to his skinny frame.

'You're the one girl in town I'd marry
Girl, I'd marry you now if I were free
I wish it could be.'

He saw the silhouette of his heart-throb in the warm April twilight, coming closer and closer. Her hourglass figure accentuated with a backdrop of the setting sun, this time he offered his hand, and she gladly accepted it. All of a sudden these murky streets seemed full of life and opportunity, every grey block a blank canvas in which to create something wonderful. Emmet opened the door of the packed Strand Bar, right in the heart of Belfast City, led Sarah in front of him and immediately felt the glow of the pub. He sat down opposite Sarah, and as he looked into her eyes what was clear conversation was now just a humdrum, all the other senses making way to allow him to capture every single detail.

The whole world seemed to slow down, but he managed to wrangle his attention away from her for a second, and look at the scene. He saw the faces, panic stricken faces, and grenade bouncing on the dance floor amongst the trample of footsteps. A bang and a shower of splinters were sent flying across the room, cartwheeling freely as they hurtled towards targets of human flesh. Emmet turned to shield Sarah but it was no use, her pierced heart wasn't the only one bleeding between the pair. Then, stillness.

Six people died that night in Strand Bar, in a combined grenade and gun attack, the responsibility was eventually claimed by the UVF.
Sarah Ann Robinson's funeral was held on Tuesday, 15th April 1975. Families from both sides of the divide paid their respects, including the Foley clan minus Emmet. She remains as one of the 3,526 people who have died as a result of the Troubles.
Emmet, who eventually awoke from a coma after two weeks, was left with only get well soon cards, shameful regret and a lifetime of bad memories.

I like it, you clearly have a decent story in there but with a bit of work you could certainly improve it.

1. It's a little wordy, for example "the once contently slumbering teenager wearily opened his eyes, surveying the cold early morning scene around him. Underneath the layers of duvets and covers he was warm, but seeing the steam rising from his breath promised a cold start to another boring school-day." Too many words all round.

2. Regarding all that back-story. Perhaps have his mother say something about "such and such are at it again" or she could dump a newspaper in front of him with a great big headline summing things up or it could simply be alluded to by him avoiding a certain area or whatever.

3. Show us don't tell us. That's actually a rule in its own way. Don't tell us she's a protestant show us, don't tell us about the troubles show us. The best paragraphs in the piece are the ones where things are actually happening i.e. when he meets Sarah, when they go to the pub, when they talk to each other; the least appealing are the 3rd person back-story paragraphs.

shefellover93

These are all great points lads, and I've changed it a bit to try to incorperate some of them into the story. There's a competition running that we've been encouraged to enter so I might throw it into that and see how I get on with it.

mari2222

May I suggest you remove adjectives/adverbs and see if the flow of the idea is improved, e.g. instead of "once contentedly slumbering teenager" would become "teenager".

Well done.