Feel like such an idiot. So depressed :(

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 11:11am #1

Ok, this is probably quite long so bare with me. I'm crying as I write this

I think I should just start from the start

I'm 19 years old, female and bisexual. Never been with a woman but always was more attracted to them than guys. I started going online to this sort of social network site, mostly full of americans but there was people in the uk and ireland there too. Tbh, I did it just for a bit of fun and when I was bored to chat and meet new people. Sad, I know, but work with me here.

I NEVER thought I'd find ANYONE on there that I'd actually want to meet. But then I met this girl. She was amazing, beautiful and so on my level in terms of personality, likes and dislikes, the way she talked etc. We talked on the site and on msn for months. Pretty much every day, usually all night til the early hours of the morning (once we stayed up til 8am and i went straight to work with no sleep!!). Everything was great and she really felt like the one. She lived in the UK but we were going to work around it.

Now when we talked frequently online, or even everyday, things were great. But then now and again she'd disappear for a few days with no warning. I didn't want to make a fuss about it or seem needy so that was fine. Then she'd disappear for a whole week and when I couldn't cope with that I knew she was the one. I really needed her.

I wanted to speak to her on the phone. Firstly, she didn't have a phone. Then it seemed she kept putting it off until I kept saying it to her and she said she'd buy one. When she finally went to the store, she paid for one but they didn't have it in stock. This wasted another few days until she finally got it. Then we texted for about a day but she didn't feel like talking because she was ill and stressed out and tired a lot of the time. THEN, her signal went completely and none of my texts deleted or calls would go through. I thought this girl must have the worst luck in the world!

That's not where it ends. She recently told me she got her car stolen, complete with laptop and phone in it! So not only could she not text or call, but she wasn't online as often either as she had to borrow friends laptops etc.

Now this isn't the first time there's been excuses. Back in January she was supposed to come over and meet me and had supposedly booked accomodation and flights with me here waiting and waiting for her to come over. Then her friend was in an accident and she had to stay in hospital for her.

So now last week it was my turn to go over and see her. Last time I talked to her online was 5 days before my flight over. She didn't talk to me since and I had no mobile number or address for her!! The morning of my flight I checked online to see if she had left a message to say she'd be in the airport to meet me (I had sent her my flight details). Not only was there no message but her profile could not be found i.e. deleted! It was then that I had to make excuses to my parents for not going over to see her (I had told them i was visitng a friend that i already knew of course)

So I'm sitting here, feeling like a complete idiot. I've just wasted not only my money on flights but also my time - months and months of talking to her thinking this was going somewhere. From the story above you may think I'm an idiot. I guess I am. But trust me, I'm not one of those people that 'falls in love' with anyone and everyone I meet online. I never thought it could happen but I actually loved her. But now it seems she was messing me about from the start. But it just doesn't make sense why she would bother. Why would she waste so much of her time talking to me if she had no intention of it going anywhere? And when we talked she seemed so genuine. She had an amazing personality. You can't just make that up and it was clear we had a connection

Is it a case of having the worst luck in the world? Or was she having cold feet? Or was she messing me about from the start?

I can't stop crying now and I've been suffering from depression for years and this is just tipping me over the edge. I dunno how I'll recover

Denerick · 03-03-2011 11:37am

To be honest, you may have a lucky escape. Either she is someone struggling to come to terms with her sexuality (Doesn't actively want a Lesbian relationship) or she is someone who has no moral center and doesn't mind messing people around. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Fittle · 03-03-2011 11:41am

Ok, well I'll be the first to say it but I doubt this person is actually who you think she is OP. The excuses about not wanting to speak to you are the biggest giveaway to me. From what you are saying, I would almost guess it was a man (because if she were female, why not speak to you??) or at the very least, in a committed relationship. I presume the msn was just typing - did you ever skype her? Did you ever actually see her in the flesh (apart from photos?)

The internet is a weird and wonderful thing OP. You need to be very careful and while you're old enough to know that not everyone is who they seem to be online, it can be hard when you get taken in like this.

My advice would be to put it down to experience. Try to get yourself out there and meet people in your real, everyday life.

Depression is an illness OP, I would suggest you go to your GP and try to get it treated (if you are not already doing so). I am sorry you are feeling this way, but in time, you will learn from it and put it down to the bad experience that it was.
Best of luck OP.

AnonoBoy · 03-03-2011 11:50am

All lies.

If things start seeming suspicious then there's a reason. Not talking on the phone is the biggest give away.

And for your own safety OP - DO NOT fly to meet an unknown person without telling friends and/or family who you are meeting and where.

gerryk · 03-03-2011 11:57am

Relevant

Unfortunately, people can be anyone they want to be on the internet.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 12:08pm

I know it's very easy to deceive on the internet but the ironic thing is, I can spot fakes quite easy. I had plenty of fakes approach me on the same site and I told them to get packing. But with her it was different

As for the phone thing, I agree and it pissed me off. Even IF she was telling the truth and her signal was ****ed, and then the next phone got stolen...even if that's true she could've called me for 5mins from a pay phone or borrowed a friends phone. She knew how much it meant to me.

On msn, we both turned on our mics but her mic was really crappy and we didn't speak on there. I could hear her breath/cough/sneeze etc. and it all sounded fairly girly (I know, stupid right..)

Furthermore, she sang for me (we're both big into our music).

After all this messing around, my first impression would be now that she's fake, or that she's a man. BUT another mutual friend of ours on the site said that he bumped into her at a gig about a year ago and that she is who she says she is. Could he be lying? Maybe..

I'm just so upset by all of this, I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her and thinking of ways to find out whats going on. If she's real and who she says she is, then why did she mess me about? Why did she waste so much of her time (til 5am every night at some stages!) talking to me, getting to know me. We both knew each other so well (unless she was giving me a fake personality). Even little jokes, tv references etc. We were just perfect for each other.

She even told me she was making plans to do a postgraduate degree in Dublin so she could live near me

Miss Fluff · 03-03-2011 12:15pm

sodepressed wrote: »

She had an amazing personality. You can't just make that up and it was clear we had a connection

An amazing personality can actually be made up very easily hon, IM and emails are a total mask for people to hide behind. You don't even have an address for this "girl", who's to say this person is not some 50 year old, thirty stone, sweaty perv called Nigel who actually lives in a caravan in Utah? You don't actually know anything about this person and that's actually dangerous. Even more dangerous is that you were going to go and visit "her" without actually telling a soul about it. I'm not going to give you a bollocking here because I think you feel bad enough about this as it is but please in future exercise some caution.

I think you would really benefit from posting on the Lesbian, Gay Bisexual forum here on Boards and find out if there is a support group or social group for people taking their first tentative steps coming out. Now is an important time in your life and you should surround yourself with support and "real" people rather than seeking out "friendships" online. I think you're vulnerable right now and don't let one bad experience with a lying freak (hell, could have been A LOT worse) put you off exploring your sexuality. All I'm saying to you is do it in the real world. It's a lot safer and will be a lot more rewarding for you.

Don't bemoan the "loss" of this weirdo a moment longer. You've really had a lucky escape.

Miss Fluff · 03-03-2011 12:21pm

sodepressed wrote: »

We both knew each other so well

You're not going to be able to move on from this if you actually believe that.

You didn't know this person at all. Online is not real life, it's escapism and its also a very big mask for freaks who want to get their kicks with vulnerable impressionable people like yourself. This person has time and again proven themselves to be a pathalogical liar so you can't believe anything they told you.

You need to delete yourself from the site and block their IM address.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 12:30pm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

An amazing personality can actually be made up very easily hon, IM and emails are a total mask for people to hide behind. You don't even have an address for this "girl", who's to say this person is not some 50 year old, thirty stone, sweaty perv called Nigel who actually lives in a caravan in Utah? You don't actually know anything about this person and that's actually dangerous. Even more dangerous is that you were going to go and visit "her" without actually telling a soul about it. I'm not going to give you a bollocking here because I think you feel bad enough about this as it is but please in future exercise some caution.

I think you would really benefit from posting on the Lesbian, Gay Bisexual forum here on Boards and find out if there is a support group or social group for people taking their first tentative steps coming out. Now is an important time in your life and you should surround yourself with support and "real" people rather than seeking out "friendships" online. I think you're vulnerable right now and don't let one bad experience with a lying freak (hell, could have been A LOT worse) put you off exploring your sexuality. All I'm saying to you is do it in the real world. It's a lot safer and will be a lot more rewarding for you.

Don't bemoan the "loss" of this weirdo a moment longer. You've really had a lucky escape.

I know if the tables were turned and I was replying to someone on here with the same problem I'd be saying the exact same as what you are

I'm not some clueless person...I could read the signs and I was always on my guard just in case, but then when we talked everything just melted away because she was perfect.

She talked about her area so I do believe she lives there...and the fact that this other guy said he met her at a gig like a year ago. I don't have an address for her but she did show me her street on google maps one day ages ago on msn. So I could've gone there to find out once and for all.

But then I copped myself on the morning of the flight and didn't go - I know I shouldn't have put myself in that situation in the first place and I hate myself for it.

I don't know what to do because I've been suffering from depression for years but I've managed to keep a lid on it without anyone knowing. But after this, it's tipped me over the edge and I can't see myself hiding how hurt and upset I am anymore. I don't want anyone to find out about this embarassing stupid situation.

I can't come out for various reasons. And I can't tell my parents about this depression. My brother already suffers from depression and is gay and I don't want my parents having to deal with another child like this. They'll think they failed as parents.

I've had really rough times with this depression but this is the first time I've felt so fragile and so hurt and I haven't stopped crying since 6am this morning. I think I need to talk to a professional but I can't afford going on anti depressants

I also don't want to go on them because I won't be able to drink

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 1:22pm

You were too needy and you alienated her. I have done the same thing as your friend so this is what probably happened from the other side. Made great friends with a man online and then after a RL meeting I realised he was not as he first seemed.
He was obsessive, needy, never stopped talking about himself and was totally smothering. I knews from the way he decribed past relationships that he would not take kindly to being told the truth. So I had to just avoid him online and cut him off.

You didn't see the hints she was trying to give you. She clearly got cold feet and backed off as soon as you started becoming intrusive and trying to meet up.
I can't believe you believed she had no phone and all the other excuses. They were clearly white lies. She probably didn't want to hurt your feelings but was totally out of her depth by that stage and had to just blank you. She either got cold feet or met someone else or else was just into an online thing and nothing else.

You keep saying you are great at reading people but look at your story. You had so many warning signs and you just ignored them or failed to pick them up. You said exactly what the man I met never stopped saying to me. "We have SUCH a connection", well we had a bit but he totally eggagerated it in his own mind. I couldn't deal with all his anxiety and dependancy. Constantly wanting to meet up. Always self pitying and trying to guilt me into caring for him. I'm sorry but I feel something similar has happened to you. All you can do is learn from it. Also it is much better to meet RL friends.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 1:57pm

Smothered One wrote: »

You were too needy and you alienated her. I have done the same thing as your friend so this is what probably happened from the other side. Made great friends with a man online and then after a RL meeting I realised he was not as he first seemed.
He was obsessive, needy, never stopped talking about himself and was totally smothering. I knews from the way he decribed past relationships that he would not take kindly to being told the truth. So I had to just avoid him online and cut him off.

You didn't see the hints she was trying to give you. She clearly got cold feet and backed off as soon as you started becoming intrusive and trying to meet up.
I can't believe you believed she had no phone and all the other excuses. They were clearly white lies. She probably didn't want to hurt your feelings but was totally out of her depth by that stage and had to just blank you. She either got cold feet or met someone else or else was just into an online thing and nothing else.

You keep saying you are great at reading people but look at your story. You had so many warning signs and you just ignored them or failed to pick them up. You said exactly what the man I met never stopped saying to me. "We have SUCH a connection", well we had a bit but he totally eggagerated it in his own mind. I couldn't deal with all his anxiety and dependancy. Constantly wanting to meet up. Always self pitying and trying to guilt me into caring for him. I'm sorry but I feel something similar has happened to you. All you can do is learn from it. Also it is much better to meet RL friends.

I don't believe when we first met I didn't 'go for her'. We were just friends. She was the one to first start liking me because I just didn't think I had a chance with her. She was the one who first suggested meeting up and was always telling me how much she cared about me. She was the first one to ask 'Do you think you could ever love me' after only a few months of knowing her online!!! I thought this was crazy talk but I realised I was so mad about her.

I'm just so confused because on the one hand, her personality MUST be real because she's so passionate about her interests - music, sport, fashion..she knows so much about it and we talk so much about it.

Similarly, I would've thought she can't be this beautiful girl. She must be a fake. A man. But then this other friend has said he's seen her in real life!!

I'm so confused and upset

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 2:33pm

not to kick you while you are down, but say this was who you think it was, and you think you had a connection. As far as she is concerned, you weren't even worth a phone call......

Chalk it down to life experience, you'll get over it just fine.

Maple · 03-03-2011 2:49pm

sodepressed wrote: »

I've had really rough times with this depression but this is the first time I've felt so fragile and so hurt and I haven't stopped crying since 6am this morning. I think I need to talk to a professional but I can't afford going on anti depressants I also don't want to go on them because I won't be able to drink

Your logic here is so beyond flawed that it's mind boggling. You can afford to drink but cannot afford antidepressants? And you'd prefer to keep drinking, alcohol being a known antidepressant, than seek medical help for a condition that you claim is depression. That's utterly ridiculous. Antidepressants aren't so expensive that you'll have to sell your soul to the devil to be able to afford them. In my experience, a month's supply costs less than 4 pints down the local.

It's really unfortunate what has happened with this person, but look at it as an opportunity to actually step up and deal with the bigger issue. Put some self worth on yourself, decide to take the first step to getting happy and go speak to your GP.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 3:02pm

maple wrote: »

Your logic here is so beyond flawed that it's mind boggling. You can afford to drink but cannot afford antidepressants? And you'd prefer to keep drinking, alcohol being a known antidepressant, than seek medical help for a condition that you claim is depression. That's utterly ridiculous. Antidepressants aren't so expensive that you'll have to sell your soul to the devil to be able to afford them. In my experience, a month's supply costs less than 4 pints down the local.

It's really unfortunate what has happened with this person, but look at it as an opportunity to actually step up and deal with the bigger issue. Put some self worth on yourself, decide to take the first step to getting happy and go speak to your GP.

I work in a pharmacy so I know how expensive they are. €45 per month would be around the cheapest possible option for me. I don't spend €45 per month on drink. I'm sorry. I did put out the wrong impression there that I didnt want to give up drinking cos I was some mad alcoholic who spends loads on drink lol.

The reason I don't want to give up drinking is that it's the only socialising my friends do really - the whole pub/club thing. I think if I stopped that (despite the fact that I'd prefer to just hang out and chat, go cinema etc.) I'd sink into further depression

Maple · 03-03-2011 3:19pm

And I've bought them so I also know how expensive/inexpensive they are. You don't know that E45 is the cheapest option for you. You haven't spoken to a GP, you haven't been diagnosed, you haven't been prescribed anything.
You don't know and to say you do is an excuse not to get help.

With regards the socialising, if they are your friends and proper friends, then they'll understand and support you seeking help. And if it's a case that you don't want to tell them then you can always use a line like being on antibiotics for something long term, my friend was on anti-d's and told us at the time she was seeking treatment for her skin, we didn't question it nor did we think she was weird.

You can keep coming up with excuses as to why you can't do X or Y, but the only person you're making unhappy is yourself.

Vicxas · 03-03-2011 3:24pm

First off i think you need a hug. *hug*

Second i think that not meeting this girl was probably a good idea, if she acted like this at the first sign of intimacy it probably wasnt a good sign for the future. I know you're upset but you have to pull through, there will be other people, trust me on that.

ibarelycare · 03-03-2011 3:43pm

OP I'm really sorry to hear your story and I really feel for you.

I do think you've been incredibly naive though. As soon as I read that she didn't have a phone, alarm bells started ringing. What girl of in or around 19 (presuming she's around your age) doesn't have a phone? I really think this is someone pretending to be someone else.

As for the "mutual friend" who says he met her before...how do you even know that he's who he says he is? It could be the same person who perhaps pretended to be the girl.

You need to talk to your parents. You shouldn't worry about them feeling like failures. They have already dealt with your brother being gay, so presumably they'll be able to deal with the fact that you're bisexual. Even if you don't want to talk to them about your sexuality, you really need to talk to them about feeling depressed. They're your parents and they love you and I'm sure they will assist you in getting help. You don't need to suffer alone. Good luck.

AnonoBoy · 03-03-2011 3:46pm

sodepressed wrote: »

€45 per month would be around the cheapest possible option for me.

You're self-diagnosing. You should not do that.

Listen you didn't know this person properly. They weren't 'the one'.

You never met or even talked on the phone. As for the singing - they could have easily played a Youtube video of someone singing to trick you.

None of it makes sense, lies about not having a phone and not having reception - backing off when you wanted to meet.

The person was more than likely not who they said they were or else never intended for it to go so far. People are strange and you need to realise that even though you've convinced yourself that you were falling for this person you were in fact falling for the idea of a person you could relate to.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 4:18pm

Thanks for all the kind replies and words of wisdom guys!

I know you won't believe me but I actually am quite a sensible girl, for years people told me I was more mature for my age. I'm quite a cynical person sometimes so it's unusual for me to be naive. I know I was stupid for going along with this. But I just couldn't risk it when I thought she was the one.

I guess I did take a lot of excuses for her. While I was always suspiscious, I never left her because, like I said I was crazy about her.

The thing I don't get is why she even bothered. We spent so much time talking - what on earth was the point in her doing that if she was fake? I'm talking about months here, talking pretty much every day and most of the time for hours on end til the early hours of the day.

We had great conversations about music, sports, politics, culture, every day life..and she helped me a lot with a lot of personal issues, as I did for her. She was very kind, affectionate, extremely clever and funny.

Why would she bother if she was messing me about from day one? And if she was a man, as people think on here, than how to explain on msn with her mic on, her laughs/sneezes etc. (singing, i'll give ya cos could've been anyone i guess). Also, the other guy who said he saw her at a gig would have to be lying or would be indeed her. Which doesnt really make sense either.

On top of all this, she made plans to come over to see me first. And she was always the one talking about the future for us.

Anyway, thanks for all your help. I guess I'll never solve this mystery and always be confused!

Vicxas · 03-03-2011 4:24pm

Look i guess you were here test paper, to see if she actually was gay/bisexual. Im sorry you were hurt i know how much it sucks, but talking about it will help, even to us board members. i know it helps me

Taltos · 03-03-2011 4:36pm

OP
I look at this a few different ways. Will try to break it down logically.

1. Anti-depressants
Sorry but without a diagnosis this is just crazy talk, even with a diagnosis I think I would prefer a 2nd opinion.

2. Her intent
None of us know, we can all guess. Personally I think it is this mutual friend or indeed a close friend of theirs, maybe even with malicious intent...

3. Your feelings of loss / despair
You know - stop beating yourself up over this. So what if you never met her, as far as your mind & hormones are concerned this was a valid relationship with possibilities of a future, you never had a reason to think otherwise. Right now you are going through all the emotions of a break-up, though one mixed up by your gut feeling that you have been duped.

What to do going forwards?
Treat it as you would any breakup. Try not to let it put you off meeting other folk - but get out there with some friends if you can and when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed force yourself to put this person out of your mind - imagine that every time you get upset they win a little - and you can't let them win anymore...

Do try to be careful online though, there are many sharks out there and while you might be lucky and meet someone decent - well it doesn't always work out that way. Just use best judgement and be prepared to walk away if you get a bad feeling - like all her games around the phone...

Best of luck OP.

aidan24326 · 03-03-2011 5:10pm

sodepressed wrote: »

The thing I don't get is why she even bothered. We spent so much time talking - what on earth was the point in her doing that if she was fake? I'm talking about months here, talking pretty much every day and most of the time for hours on end til the early hours of the day.

Unfortunately you'll probably never know. But in your moments of pining for her, just think back to all the lies, the endless excuses, the way she has messed with your emotions. Is that really someone you would want to have a relationship with?

And to be honest it's hard not to be very dubious as to whether this girl is who she says she is. Whether she is or not, it's a harsh lesson to get messed around like this but it could be a valuable one in the longterm, to be careful of who you interact with online and to watch for obvious red flags. My advice would be don't beat yourself up over this, you've been treated cruelly and even if you did behave a bit naievely you'd hardly be the first person to do so where matters of the heart are involved.

Vicxas · 03-03-2011 5:20pm

aidan24326 wrote: »

Unfortunately you'll probably never know. But in your moments of pining for her, just think back to all the lies, the endless excuses, the way she has messed with your emotions. Is that really someone you would want to have a relationship with?

And to be honest it's hard not to be very dubious as to whether this girl is who she says she is. Whether she is or not, it's a harsh lesson to get messed around like this but it could be a valuable one in the longterm, to be careful of who you interact with online and to watch for obvious red flags. My advice would be don't beat yourself up over this, you've been treated cruelly and even if you did behave a bit naievely you'd hardly be the first person to do so where matters of the heart are involved.

I agree with this, in some ways this will stand to you in the future, you'll know the sings and know exactly what to avoid.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 5:51pm

sodepressed wrote: »

The thing I don't get is why she even bothered. We spent so much time talking - what on earth was the point in her doing that if she was fake? I'm talking about months here, talking pretty much every day and most of the time for hours on end til the early hours of the day.

She bothered because she probably liked you at first, but perhaps by the time she realised you two were incompatible she was in too deep and had said she wanted to meet up etc.
That's what happened to me, when I met him I realised he was clingy and draining and I didn't want to see him again or even talk to him any more. But by then I had said things I wouldn't have said if I knew the real him and it was too awkward to tell the truth. So I just vanished from the site and blanked him

sodepressed wrote: »

We had great conversations about music, sports, politics, culture, every day life..

So what. You didn't even know her address.

sodepressed wrote: »

and she helped me a lot with a lot of personal issues, as I did for her. She was very kind, affectionate, extremely clever and funny.

This is what set alarm bells ringing for me. She helped you with personal issues. Maybe you were too dependant and needy. That's what made me run a mile and blank my online friend.

sodepressed wrote: »

Why would she bother if she was messing me about from day one?

She probably liked you ok but as soon as you coming over became a reality she got cold feet. It's very easy to be friends online but it doesn't mean you necessarily want that person to come into your life. Or she could have just met someone else.

sodepressed wrote: »

On top of all this, she made plans to come over to see me first. And she was always the one talking about the future for us.

She made plans which she broke with the phoney excuse of the friend in hospital. That was as obvious as the nose on your face right there.

sodepressed wrote: »

Anyway, thanks for all your help. I guess I'll never solve this mystery and always be confused!

It's not a mystery. You just got carried away.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2011 7:34pm

Thanks again guys. I guess there is the positive of chalking it down to experience and being careful in future

But on the other hand, this has ****ed me up even more than I was before. I'll never be able to trust anyone again. Things have happened in my past that made me distrust men and be uncomfortable sexually around them. Now, because of her, I won't trust women either

Ironically, all the issues I had that she made disappear - issues to do with low self esteem, confidence, looks, sexuality etc. When we talked she helped me through all that and now I feel like I'm not only back to square 1 but what she did has made it even worse. Back to square 0 you might say.

So where do I move from here? The hardest part is I can't talk to anyone about this. None of my friends would understand. I just have to keep all this hurt inside me.

She was the one thing that made me feel happy. I have plenty of friends but none that are 'that' close - they all consider me 'great craic', 'good fun', 'sound' etc. But I feel any close friends I had are growing apart, and I only have friends for socialising i.e. pubs/clubs and not for when I need them .

So anyone have any tips for a happy life...:(

Taltos · 03-03-2011 9:13pm

OP - I am a bit confused here.
From your last post you are painting this person as more of a cousellor than a potential partner or friend...??..

Let me be frank here -
> if your self worth is so dependent on one other person - there is something wrong.
> if you are unloading all your ills on a friend - you run the risk of losing that friendship in most cases except for those friendships that are well established and are in for the long haul.
> if you see a friend as the person to "fix" you - again there is something wrong there.

I think it might be best if you seek professional counselling - or if you have tried this and it has not worked - seek a 2nd counsellor or even something like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to train yourself out of these thoughts.

While I was not fully agreeing with the anon poster earlier - your last post has me thinking that you may have over-burdened a new friendship and painted yourself as a high-maintenance person - rightly or wrongly. It could just be that this girl has her own issues and simply got scared at apparantly being held responsible for how you see yourself. Do you not see how scary that is for anyone - let alone someone you have effectively just met?

Don't let your other friendships fade.
Seek some real help here - maybe talk to your GP first.
Learn not to rely too heavily on others all the time - a partner is someone for you to lean on in the bad times - but someone also who can lean on you - if it is all one-sided or just too much too soon - well that is just not fair on either of you.

Try to step back from this right now and resolve to learning how to be happy in yourself for yourself. Then when that person male/female enters your life they will add colours to your life that will really cheer you, they will not however define you or make you less of a person by their absence.

Best of luck OP.

Feel like such an idiot. So depressed :(

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