Explaining death to a young child

Greystoner

We lost three very close relatives last year over a period of 5 months and somehow managed to keep it from the kids, as it was not appropriate for them to attend the funerals etc. My eldest is 4, and today he has put two and two together and realised that one of the people (My Aunty, I was very close to her)is not around so I had to explain very gently that we can't see her anymore, because she died. I said that when plants die, we don't get sad, but when people do, we get sad because we miss them and he was ok, but his behaviour was a little strange after and he was full of ' I love yous' in an insecure type way for the whole evening. He is a very bright little boy and very sensitive.

The problem is that I planned to deal with explaining things as they arise and now I am realising how upsetting this is going to be for myself and him. He will soon realise that Grandad (My partner's Dad) is not around, and then my brother, (His Uncle and Godfather who adored him). I am still dealing with all this myself and I am going to find this very hard.

Has anyone got any advice for how to cope with this and examples of the questions the child might ask, so I can be prepared. I think keeping it simple is the best I can do, but if he realises those 3 people are missing, he might get scared and think that everyone around him is dying and that might affect his security, thinking that we might leave him!

Also any hints on nice gentle ways of remembering people? (without going OTT as he is only 4!)

Thanks.

Moonbeam

I have no advice but
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1363
There might be some good advice on the Bereavement thread.

littlebug

That must have been a really tough time for the family Greystoner Losing 3 close relatives in such a short time can't be easy.

My youngest was just short of 5 when his great grandmother (my grandmother) died. In the few weeks afterwards I would make a point of talking about good things the kids remembered about great granny, which was fairly simplistic.. the toy snake in her house, ALL the biccies she would give them, the hugs and kisses etc... so rather than talking about her being gone we talked about the good things from when she was here. I didn't sit them down for big serious conversations or anything, just occasionally mention her. They were at her funeral though which I think helped.
If a heaven is part of the belief system he is being raised in then that can help too.

Could you bring him to the grave(s) to bring flowers and say goodbye?. I think you're better to be honest and tell him rather than waiting til he figures out that people are missing. At 4 he's starting to figure a lot of the grown up stuff out and I would be concerned that not telling him would lead to him getting very confusing messages.

Cat Melodeon

Jeez Greystoner that is rough for you and your family. I hope you're coping.

Barnardos have some excellent free-to-download publications to help explain death to children and how to cope with bereavement (both for parents and children). I highly recommend them. I've given you the link for the main one, but if you find it any good there are a few more on the site, have a browse through and you'll find them.

http://www.barnardos.ie/information-centre/publications/free-publications/death__helping_children_understand.html

It may help you if you get this out in the open with your children. At their age they will be fine, if a little confused at first, but it probably hasn't helped you cope with your own grief by keeping it from them. I know you are trying to protect them, but look after yourself too.

oh well , okay

I've a 4yr old boy at home and last year he lost his Granddad and just before Christmas he lost one of his (baby) twin sisters.

The only advice I can give from our experience is not to hide it from him any longer and get things out in the open , like you say he's a bright little boy so you need to tell him the truth as he is sure to notice these people missing from his life .

You say telling your son will be upsetting for you both and this is true . Dealing with my sons questions about his sisters death has been very difficult but it has to be done and if you cry or he sees you sad well that's fine , it's Ok for him to see you cry it might make him feel better about his own feelings . I won't lie - some of what my son says is heartbreaking but I really do feel it's better for him in the long run if we tackle it now .

He'll have questions and I think you're best to answer them simply but honestly . I find our lad asks little but often , he'll ask 1 or 2 things then change the subject and come back in a day or two and ask some more . Don't rush him let him ask at his own pace but try to answer him as best you can , he'll know if you're lying about something . Once you start telling him you'll be surprised at how insightful a 4 yr old can be .

If he's at a crèche or attending school it's probably best if you inform them as well so that they can keep a closer eye on him and maybe be more understanding if his behaviour changes as he comes to terms with what has happened . Our lads school and child minder have been invaluable to us since our daughter died , the care they have given our son has really helped him (and us) to cope .

Like has been mentioned look at the barnardos website , they have downloads specific to your situation and offer some great advice .

We attended bereavement counseling before and after our daughter died and the counselors have always advised us to tell our son the truth . If I'm honest I would have to say that attending the funeral was a great help to our son and in your situation I would look into maybe having a family "ceremony" in the garden or even just a tree planting ; just something so that he can mark the memory of these people and have some closure .

I know you're dreading the thought of stirring up everything inside yourself and upsetting your son but 4 yr olds are resilient little beings and I have to say as heartbreaking as it's been to see my own son go through his own little grieving process he's been a great help to my wife and I as we come to terms with our loss . He's forever full of hugs and little pearls of wisdom that make me so proud to be his Daddy .

Wantobe

oh well, okay- So sorry to hear of your loss.

I think that is the best advice- talk about it. Our two lost someone very close to them a couple of years ago- he was like a granddad to them- he saw them every single day and our youngest was particularly attached to him.

Then last year their great granddad died and we went to his funeral. We were very open about the deaths, and yes they were anxious at times about my and my husbands mortality and we had millions of questions but they accepted it. WE had to 'post' letters to heaven and they were sad and there were tears, but children are very resilient and they have moved on well. They still miss both of them, but they're fine.

Greystoner

Thanks for the advice.

I feel a bit of a weight off my mind that we have explained one of the absences now, but think it might be best to just talk about the other ones as and when they come up rather than bringing it all up at once?

I felt at the time and still do, that not taking them to the funerals was the right thing. Both kids were at an age where they would have been running around and fidgeting, and other relatives were also not happy for them to attend for this reason. My brother's funeral especially was very long and intense, and myself and the rest of the family needed this time for grieving. The kids went off with my friends and their kids and had a great time.So that worked out well. It was just personal choice, and appropriate when taking everything into consideration. In the future, it may be appropriate, but it just wasn't these times.

My Aunty was cremated, so her ashes were scattered in a special place, which we will visit later this year.I think this helps. I don't know about visiting the graves, because I still find this very hard to do myself. I think I may leave it until my own pain subsides a bit. Also, do children get freaked out by the idea of someone they love being in a coffin?or is it best to explain a grave as somewhere you can think about that person and take flowers etc?

I am permanently stressing about it all. I think because it is so raw for me still, I just feel like I want to protect my little boy, not so much from the harsh reality of life and death, but also from my own pain. I feel I have to suppress so much, but I am in bits. He has seen me crying, but he seems to get frightened by it.I cuddle him and say that sometimes grown ups get sad too, but he says that he 'doesn't like Mummy crying'.

Do you think that just talking about it as and when it comes up is better, or to mention it sooner?and how?..(Oh yes, your great Aunty is dead and by the way so is Grandad and Uncle) Like I said before, I don't want him to think that everyone is dying around him and that we are next!

Please don't think I am being overly precious. I am aware that my grieving is probably a factor in all this, and I don't want to wrap him up in cotton wool, but I just don't know the best and least painful way to do it.

barbiegirl

Nearly two years ago we lost Daddy very, very suddenly. His 5 grandsons and little granddaughter had all been up to see him for fathers day so it was like one minute he wad there and the next gone.
We handle things in a very straight forward way. The children aged 10 to nearly 2 were told and when he was brought home to be waked they could come and go from the open coffin as they liked. They didn't seem overly upset at the body in the coffin just that he couldn't ever be there again. There were tears and questions answered as they came up and they each brought up a gift at his funeral. I should explain all the families live on one road so the kids were extremely close to him.
The aftermath also had explaining. Daddy essentially died of a nose bleed which was not properly treated in a hospital allowing him to drown. So when one little lad (7) accidently madr made the 5 year olds nose bleed they panicked until it was explained again that normally people don't die of nosebleeds.
You did and do what feels right for you and in all fairness you've had a very hard time but don't under estimate their ability to understand.

Shellygoose

OP I'm sorry to hear about your loses...tough time. Could you maybe ask a close friend to speak to your children? Someone who wouldnt necessially feel the emotional tug of taking about the deaths and could possibly answer some of the questions they may have. They could explain that you're feeling sad about it but assure them that they can speak to you at any time.

3DataModem

There was an excellent, and contraversial, episode of Sesame Street where Mr Hooper died, and Maria explained it to Big Bird frankly and truthfully, using the words "dead" and "died" rather than "passed away" etc. It was felt by the CTW that this was the best way to handle it for children.

Good luck with whatever you choose, and condolences to all in this thread.

calibelle

Hi just to add my few cents.... in my daughters 11 years we have lost many relatives, the most recent being my grandmother 3 weeks ago who we were very close to. She is a good bit older than your children but the first person (her uncle) died when she was 2.

As each person died I explained to her that they had been unwell and the doctors couldn't make them better even though they tried very hard and they had died. Their bodies weren't as strong as mine or hers and they had gone to live in a new place where we couldn't see them anymore.....my daughter wanted to know where that was so I showed her the north star - the brightest star in the sky. She accepted it better when she felt she still had some connection to them and could see something, to this day if we are out at night she'll look up for it and say thats where my family who died went. I think she knows by now its just a star but it makes her happy!

I encouraged her to discuss them in a natural unforced way, when we were cooking I'd start talking about the person's favourite food, driving their favourite places and so on. I feel its very important for them to know its ok to talk about them - she had lots of questions about what happens when you die - to the body, coffin etc and I answered as truthfully as possibly without shocking her.

Lastly I accepted I was upset and didn't try to hide it from her - we're all human and I didn't see any reason for my daughter to think I didn't grieve, it helped her to grieve too.

Hope that helps!

LegacyUser

I'm sorry for your losses OP.

Just to explain my own experience of death and a young child.

We had a rabbit when my son was 4 and it died one night - he was devastated to say the least, but I explained death to him in a very simple way. We 'buried' the rabbit in a shoe box and my son said goodbye and he cried that night, but the next day he was very accepting, and to this day, he often mentions that the rabbit is in heaven and sometimes he dreams about him.

Anyway, last year a neighbour of ours died - he was elderly and my son loved him like a grandad (he has no grandparents - all deceased) so I brought him to the house for the wake. At this point, he was 8. He really wanted to see this neighbour one more time, just to say goodbye to him (his own words) so I asked the wife if she'd mind if he went into the room where the neighbour was being waked. She was only delighted to bring him in herself. Afterwards, she told me he chatted to her husband in a way that none of the adults at the wake had. Yes, he was sad, but he really understood what death was and he even 'asked' the neighbour to say hi to his rabbit for him :-). The wife told me (and still does) that she got great comfort in his words that day...

I think honesty and openness are the best ways to approach this OP. I would bring up the subject of the other person who has passed...and slowly make your child aware that that the person is also gone. Grief affects us all in different ways, but children are must more able to cope with it than we give them credit for.

I have a 29yr old nephew who to this day, bemoans the fact that when his grandad died when he was 6, he couldn't go to the funeral (my sister didn't think it was appropriate). He says his grandads death affected him more than it should have, because he felt that things were being hidden from him, and he felt very excluded from everyone elses grief.

Again, sorry for your loss OP, unfortunately, death is a part of life that we all have to face sometime.

Penny Dreadful

My brother died when he was just a little short of his 5th birthday and there was myself (who was 2 going on 3) and my two older sisters (who were 8 and 9) at the time.
I don't remember much, if anything, about that time at all really but growing up we all knew that Jamie was our brother and he was looking after us in the special way that people did when they were dead. He was always a part of our lives and my parents continued to tell the funny stories about things he did when he was alive and so he was part of our lives in that way forever. Mum and Dad never made him out to be the perfect child or any such thing, just a real little boy who got sick and died. My Dad used to take the lawnmower up to the grave to cut the grass and plant flowers, etc and I'd head off with him and decided to call the grave "Jamies Garden" and it stuck. Mum and Dad have said since that it was the lovelist thing for them to be going to Jamie's Garden rather than his grave.

Jamie has been part of my younger brother and sister's lives too although they weren't alive when he died and for my nieces and nephews too and its lovely really. It did mean that the idea and concept of death was something that they were made aware of early on but because it was done in a Jamie lives in heaven and keeps a special eye out for all of you way it wasn't odd or serious in any way. It has been very special for my parents to have him remain in the family's life in this way.
I do remember seeing my parents upset at certain times over this (my Dad in particular had a particularly rough time, he lost his father, brother and son in a 12 month period and can be prone to depression anyway) but when I asked why, they'd say it was because they missed Jamie and that it was ok to be sad sometimes but they'd feel better soon.

Greystoner

Thanks for all the advice, all taken on board! Sorry about other people's losses as well, I am so grateful you could share to help me, you are kind people.

I especially like the idea of viewing a grave as a 'garden', I think I will go for that one for my brother's grave, as I know my parents have been planting flowers and maintaining it on a weekly basis.It's in the UK and I will visit when I next go over and take the children on another day, when I am a bit calmer (I think the first time I go that week I will be too upset myself, but a few days after I think I will be better, and able to make it a positive experience for the children).

I am going to drop the news about Grandad and Uncle as SOON as I get the opportunity, because I feel that thanks to everyones' help and suggestions, I have to be ready. I really took on board the fact how resilient children can be. Having my children with me when we were over in UK after my brother died and the 4 weeks of hell that followed before we could bury him, they saved my sanity without even knowing it.They are fantastic little people.

It's hard to explain about loved ones passing with a lump in the throat, but I managed to talk about my Aunty and that feels like a burden lifted. I feel like I can handle any more questions that arise now, with a bit more calmness. Maybe now I will be able to talk about these people in a way so that the children can remember them in their own ways. One day I will healed enough to get out the photos and maybe make a little album about the children with these precious people.So sad that they will not have a relationship with them, but I guess that's just the harsh reality of life and death, all a big learning curve!

gaeilgegrinds1

One thing, don't lie.
I had an experience with death as a child in that my bestfriend drowned. She had been playing in my house that day and when she went home drowned in the river while playing with her brother. It was so so sad.
However, my other friends were told she had gone away. We were only five. My father brought me to the river where she had died and we planted a tree with some of the other little girls. Some of their parents liked the idea, other little kiddies were not allowed near it. I liked the idea. He showed me the video All Dogs go to Heaven and told me my Grandad was minding her in heaven. I always remember how well he dealt with the whole thing and how truthful he was.

Roselm

Greystoner wrote: »

He has seen me crying, but he seems to get frightened by it.I cuddle him and say that sometimes grown ups get sad too, but he says that he 'doesn't like Mummy crying'.

I remember seeing my mother quiet and sad for days when I was about 23. This was really unlike her and I got really worried she was seriously ill. It turned out my parents were in the process of separating.
But I just wanted to highlight that your son has no doubt picked up on your sadness. He may have reacted as he did to seeing you cry because he was confused and didn't know what was wrong.
I agree with the other posters that you need to let him know whenever you are able so that he can make sense of things.

Dilbert75

There's no right or wrong answers. I'd agree not to hide it but the information has to be age-appropriate. I agree with not bringing the child to the funeral - you want what memories they have to be of a person, not a box. Personally I wouldn't be fond of bringing them to the grave for the moment, certainly not as a "big thing", as in "this is where Grandad is now". It depends on your spirituality but you could consider telling the child that when Grandad died, he went to heaven: he left his body here and its buried in the graveyard and we can go there with flowers to remember him.

The only experience I could offer is of miscarriage. We lost a baby in the first trimester, before anyone knew we were expecting. We explained to our older fella the reason we were sad as "the baby in Mammy's tummy got sick and the doctors tried to make it better but they weren't able to. God brought it back up to heaven to live with him there". There was no use of the words "died" or "dead" but it was the best we could do at the time.

Best of luck OP - hard enough going through that without trying to look after kids going through it too.

Kaybe

My mum died 3 months ago, and my 4 year old and 2.5 year old attended her wake and her funeral mass and burial along with Mam's 20 other grandchildren - mostly under the age of 7, but ranging in ages from 2mths to 14 years.

Being open and honest and telling the kids that I was sad because my mammy had died was the best approach I found. Even when I had tears streaming down my face I just told them that I was sad but that a hug would be lovely, and they were only too eager to oblige. I (personally) think they would have been more frightened to be ushered out of the room, even though they could clearly see that the adults were crying.

Rather than being frightened by the funeral, or by seeing their parents upset, all the kids were fascinated by the proceedings - some of the small lads nearly fell into the grave after the coffin when they were tossing their flowers in, they were so eager to see into the hole in the ground

I think also that kids can help to lighten the moment. My mum had been unwell for some time after a stroke, and couldn't walk. The day she died my 4 year old said very dramatically "God will get a knife and chop Grandma open now, won't he Mommy?" I was a bit taken aback, as you can imagine, with the gruesome nature of the question and asked him what he meant.... "Well, he has to cut her open so he can get in and fix her legs and make her walk again".
I just started to laugh through my tears at the innocence of it.

Anyway - in your situation, I think I would casually let drop into the conversation that Grandad had died and just follow their lead - they will tend to look for as much information as they can process and then move on and come back at a later stage for more information.

Sorry for all your losses - a very tough time for you and your family I can imagine.

caprilicious

Kaybe wrote: »

I think also that kids can help to lighten the moment.

I agree with the above, my mum in law passed away a few weeks ago. Our daughter is far too young to understand (she's 1).
I wasn't going to bring her to the funeral, but her presence there was a Godsend for my husband & for much of his mums close family.
It lightened the mood having her there at what was a very difficult time for the family.
Hopefully you will be able to take solace from your own child's understanding of death & it might make it just that little bit easier for you to get through this difficult time.

Sometimes their innocence helps lighten the mood & help you remember happier times with your lost loved one instead of the sadness of losing them.


I'm so sorry for your loss & that of the other posters on the thread x

RandomnoobIII

[snip]

Mod: Worthless and irrelevant post

Penny Dreadful

RandomnoobIII wrote: »

To show the horrors of war to children, one should consider showing images of soliders in Iraq and Afghanistan, this will also aid you in explaining death

I would totally disagree with that. Its one thing to be explaining to a child that people die, sometimes because they are old and others because they get very sick and deal with that... why on earth would you expose a young child to the full on horror of war by showing them the images of dead soldiers and civilians given that they almost always have been mutilated by bombs and the like.

Orion

You wouldn't do that to a child of course. Let's avoid that road and stay on the original route. RandomNoobIII won't be travelling with us I'm afraid.

maameeo

Children are so resilient, we always want to protect them, we dont realise they see life differently.

I've had to tell my daughter of a few deaths, including her dad. She was six then, she cried just as long for her dead fish.

I tried to hide some of the circumstances of his death as they wernt nice and i realised i shouldnt have. While playing out on the road some older kids told her stories and this upset her more, the fact that she didnt know the whole story.

So i agree with those who say the truth is the best way

best of luck op

cynder

My dad died 2 years ago, the kids knew ages 9, 3 and 2. my 3 year old now 5 will point at the photos and tell me his grand da is dead, but when he speaks to my mom he will ask her if grand da is coming with her to visit us. I then gently remind him grand da cant come to visit because he is dead.

I find it quiet funny and my dad would too if he was around. My kids didn't go to the funeral as he didn't have one, he was cremated in the uk and ashes scattered in loop head, my eldest came with us to scatter the ashes. Which blew everywhere we had a great time laughing. Dad would have been over the moon that we werent crying.

Think my point is that some young kids accept things as they are. Im sure as time goes on he will start to ask questions and when he does i will answer them as truthfully as possible, the heaven thing is an issue as im not religious so i will explain what other faiths believe and i would also say that i think its nice to believe that grand da is looking over us somewhere out there. When he is older he can make the choice what he believes. My dads dead and gone but i still feel him in my heart. My kids have picture of him holding them when they were babies so they can picture what he looks like. my 5 year old even talks to the photos and says hi to grand da.