Not sure how to cope

LegacyUser

Hi all, i could really use some advise or suggestion on this matter, please forgive if i have any errors in this, as it will be rushed.

A couple of months ago, my OH found out that her step-dad has been confirmed to have Alzheimer's, in which they say he only has about a year left before he loses his self reliance.
To top this off, my gf's mother just told her a couple of weeks ago, that she will be losing her job due to the company she works in shutting down.

Now her parents are both in there 50's. so for this to be happening to them now is a nightmare alone. I can't even imagine the stress of all that on her mom, but its also effecting my gf dearly, and so causing more knock on effects.

The last couple of weeks have been hell, i'm doing everything i can to support my gf but its a downward spiral, i just recently found out that because of her mom losing the job, we will very likly have to move home, try to sell our current place and get a new place to live. In which her mother will be moving in so we can help support her and step-father...

I honestly don't know how to deal with that! I'm 27 and I've spent 10 years of my life in a depression which i am proud to say I've conquered and found a life, but the stress of all this is really putting me under to the point the ol heart is pounding hard enough to prevent sleep. *believe me this is a kick in the side*

I just don't know how to deal with this and I'm only on the side lines, I'm just doing everything in my power to support my girlfriend and try keep her up and as happy and as aware as possible through this but its getting so draining...

Has anyone been in any situation similar?

Neyite

I've been in a similar situation.
You are overthinking, and this is going to cause you to stress out. You need to take it one step at a time. Its going to be a long emotional road for you all, and you need to take it a day at a time.

Firstly, get in touch with the alzheimers association, they are brilliant, and will help you access the services you are going to need in order to care fully for this man. They might help you out with a carer to give your MIL a few hours break a few days a week, or book respite care down the line. The local old folks home might have a day drop in maybe one day a week. Find out who the local public health nurse is, and talk to her/him. All of these things you should look into now, not when he has deteriorated and you have no-one.

if there are other family members that would offer to look after him, then you all need to sit down and talk. In my family, one of us was able to get flexi time working from home, another was on shifts, which could be swapped, and others gave commitments for every second or third weekend

All of these things will add up to providing the care he needs, and no one person need feel overwhelmed with it.
You might not have to sell up yet. MIL might be entitled to redundancy, and also she should look into carers allowance, and other benefits they would qualify for. If they have pension plans, or a mortgage, she needs to find out where she stands now their circumstances are changing. you might find that there is serious illness cover in some of these that might allow you to hold off putting your own house on the market just yet.

If there are joint assets, now is the time to speak to the solicitor to ensure that MIL has power of attorney etc in the event that he is no longer able to make decisions for himself, or tries to withdraw cash or sell stuff.

with regard to handling him when he gets confused, try not to correct him, or point out that they have forgotton. this agitates the patient, their mind is fragmented, and they will only forget shortly after anyway. its common for them to lose years, perhaps thinking that their children are still small, or that they dont live there and want to get home to what may have been their former childhood home. Instead of trying to convince them for instance that they live here now, be agreeable, say something like, we are waiting for the taxi, or that you will go after a cup of tea etc. they will forget it in a bit.

they may also get repetitive, its frustrating, but try not to let it get to you. It is common for them to have inappropriate responses - eg. laughing when they are sad, cross when they are happy etc, this is a normal part of altzheimers.

It would be helpful for your MIL to keep a diary of the day to day of caring for her husband, things like eating habits, exercise, things they say, where they think they are or what year they think it is or side effects of meds are all easy to forget in all the things that go on in a week, but its really helpful when you are rushed into a 20 min appointment with the consultant and he is peppering her with questions etc. It also can detail if one carer has given him his meds, so he doesnt accidentaly get double, or show if he is particularly difficult/ not eating to someone else taking over the next shift.

Its a day at a time. Let your girlfriend and mum vent and cry, just give them lots of hugs and support. You might come in handy at times where he needs to be lifted or showered if he is infirm.

if i think of anything else, I will add it in another post. Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Neyite,
Thank you soo much for taking the time for replying, the information here is really helpful and I'll pass on alot of those tips to the MIL,

However the problem I'm having is this

Neyite wrote: »

Its going to be a long emotional road for you all, and you need to take it a day at a time.

I'm aware of this so much its tearing me up, I'm really really not sure i have the capacity to deal with this aspect YET!, I'm with my OH a year and we do live together and i will stand by her, but the thought of having to deal with this frightens the pants off me.. I only finished counseling before i met my OH, and really only managed to get a job in the last few months, and started paying off dept, i'm finally getting back on my feet after the so called "best years" of my life were lost to a nightmare, and now i seems like the next few years could already be planned out...i swear it feels like life is testing me.

Neyite

I was the same age as you when the diagnosis came into our family, and yeah, there were a few years of juggling our schedules or using up a small amount of holiday time to cover when necessary.

Also like you, I had completed counselling for depression and was looking forward to a new chapter in my life, when this happened, but it did not hold me back from returning to studies part time, changing careers, the other carers in the family bought houses, had babies (lots!), some moved countries to help care etc. Some even went travelling for several months. There were break ups for some and marriage for others. We all got to do what we wanted because we worked together on it. My brand new relationship at the time has developed into a solid lifelong commitment during it.

Your life, and the life you and your girlfriend imagined is not on hold. Far from it. You will still get to have your home, your own family /wedding, career, whatever you want. This will not stop you. Trust me. Caring for our elderly when the need us is one of the most hard work yet enriching things we can do as a person.

Right now, you are panicking, you had an image of your life that didnt really allow for something like this, and maybe feel that its ruined everything. Thats why I say take it a day at a time. You dont have to know you have the capacity to cope yet, or know all the decisions to make - and you cant make them- You just have to take it day by day.