Daughter stealing

LegacyUser

Hi,

Not sure why, but my 6 year old daughter has started stealing - 3 times in over a week. Once from our house, once from a hardware shop and once from a friends house. Last thing she stole was an Ipod :-(

I am soooooo upset, she stole a lock in the h/w to keep her 5 year old brother out of her room and the Ipod, because it was cool and she wanted one.

What do I do ? I have made her bring everything back and say sorry and I have tried to ask her why she stole and all of that - but it is very difficult.

This is not the first time we have had a problem with her stealing, it started when she was 4 she stole chewing gum and I was so mad I brought her down to the guards to put the fear of god into her and that seemed to work until now.

Please PLEASE .... Any advice would be great, and I swear if anyone says she is only 6 I will scream.

Thanks

January

I've moved this to the main parenting forum, you'll get more answers out here.

Maybe it's time for another trip to the Garda station or a call to the community garda to come and chat to your daughter and explain that stealing can get you into a lot of trouble.

RedXIV

Hi OP,

Hope this helps but when I was about 11 I turned into a bit of a kleptomaniac. I stole magazines, toys, sweets, all kinds of stuff. I was really good at it too, I used to be able to steal from shopkeepers while having a conversation with them. I eventually got caught as my stash was huge and my parents wanted to know where I got it all from. I got the worst lecture I've ever had in my life (really hate the guilt lectures my dad used to give) and he marched me back to every place and apologise. The manager in Tescos gave me a blistering lecture too.

But the one that killed me was my dad decided that if i was gonna take things from others, he'd take things from me. He made me walk to the games shop as he traded in my playstation and games (belonged to my both me and brother and he nearly killed me) and put the cash we got into a local charity.

That was the deal breaker for me, Once you understand that your stuff will be taken away, that's the best incentive to take. And It may be hard to do it OP but if you're going to do it, don't use a toy she hasn't played with much, it needs to mean alot to her for the message to really kick in.

Hope this helps!

wolfpawnat

Have to agree with January. Ring/call in to your local station, explain to them in advance what is happening and they will use the correct amount of sternness with her.

Thieving at that age is solely about attention and as you said, to get what she wants. I don't know your style of parenting, but the punishments for what she has done should be harsh. Not beating her or anything, but grounding and removal of privileges! She has to see this behaviour will be tackled head on and that everyone around her will not tolerate it! Sorry if that seems harsh, but you are clearly worried about this behaviour escalating.

There are few things in my home that will get such harsh punishments, but this would be one of those times!

seamus

I think Red illustrates a good method of getting the child to understand why stealing is wrong. When the child experiences the pain of something being taken away from them, they will understand why it's wrong to take things from others.

It's a harsh thing to do sure, but I think it's very important early on to demonstrate the seriousness of what the child is doing.

Cat Melodeon

RedXIV wrote: »

But the one that killed me was my dad decided that if i was gonna take things from others, he'd take things from me. He made me walk to the games shop as he traded in my playstation and games (belonged to my both me and brother and he nearly killed me) and put the cash we got into a local charity.

That was the deal breaker for me, Once you understand that your stuff will be taken away, that's the best incentive to take.

This is quite possibly the brilliantest parent I have ever heard of. Class.

RedXIV

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

This is quite possibly the brilliantest parent I have ever heard of. Class.

I'll pass that on to him

We get on great now but on that day, in my mind, he was a homewrecker

Penny Dreadful

When I was about 8 or 9 I went through a phase of stealing too. I'd take money from the change jar my granny used to keep and steal sweets and crisps from the local shop. I'd then give them to other people in my class and they'd be nice to me. That was the real reason, I wanted and needed friends as I felt I didn't have any.
I was a year and a half younger than all of the other people in my class at school and by the time I was 9 it was really telling in a social sense and I was feeling really left out and thought that people would want to be my friend if I had nice things to give to them. I didn't understand this for what it was at the time only when I was older and I had never told my parents any of this.
Everything came to a head when I got caught stealing a packet of crisps in the shop and they told me that they had been watching me for a while. I went home in floods of tears and told my mum what had happened but I never told her why I had done it either (not sure I fully understood it myself). The shame I felt stopped it dead though.
My folks kept me back a year at school that year and although I hated it at first it was the best thing ever for me.

Morag

Time to teach her about respect and boundaries.
If that means getting her to turn out her pockets before you leave anywhere and embrassing her to teach her a lesson each time, then it's worth it in the long run.

Penny Dreadful

Sharrow wrote: »

Time to teach her about respect and boundaries.
If that means getting her to turn out her pockets before you leave anywhere and embrassing her to teach her a lesson each time, then it's worth it in the long run.

Indeed, however I also think you could do worse than see if there is something else happening in her life that you are not aware of that could be the trigger of this. For me, I wasn't stealing for the fun of it but for other reasons.

PCPhoto

was in Liffey Valley Shopping Center (Dublin) last weekend and a lady marhced in her son and handed back a toy of some sort .... and just told the child explained to the child what they did was wrong and they must apologise.

the shopkeeper didn't know anything was taken until the mother handed it back and in fairness to the mother , she explained to the child rather than giving out to the child.... who seemed almost in tears.

so following on from that .... try talking with your child

Cat Melodeon

Thinking about this, I wouldn't go the route of getting the Gardai involved. You might just make her think that stealing is wrong because she'll get in trouble if she gets caught, rather than thinking that stealing is simply wrong. Like Penny Dreadful said, there may be an underlying problem you're not aware of or maybe she just doesn't understand yet that stealing hurts other people. Firm and consistent action is definitely needed now or you may well run into bigger problems when she's older.

Penny Dreadful

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

Thinking about this, I wouldn't go the route of getting the Gardai involved. You might just make her think that stealing is wrong because she'll get in trouble if she gets caught, rather than thinking that stealing is simply wrong. Like Penny Dreadful said, there may be an underlying problem you're not aware of or maybe she just doesn't understand yet that stealing hurts other people. Firm and consistent action is definitely needed now or you may well run into bigger problems when she's older.[/QUOTE]

Totally agree. My parents went up to the shop I had been stealing from and apologised and reimbursed them for whatever the value was of the things I had taken. Then I had to work that debt off with them by doing jobs around the house and I wasn't allowed to look at tv, had my radio taken from me (hah look at my age no iPods back then:)) and as my dad was a guard he told me all these stories about people who go down that road and can never find their way back...........

Ash.J.Williams

Stealing wrote: »

Hi,

Not sure why, but my 6 year old daughter has started stealing - 3 times in over a week. Once from our house, once from a hardware shop and once from a friends house. Last thing she stole was an Ipod :-(

I am soooooo upset, she stole a lock in the h/w to keep her 5 year old brother out of her room and the Ipod, because it was cool and she wanted one.

What do I do ? I have made her bring everything back and say sorry and I have tried to ask her why she stole and all of that - but it is very difficult.

This is not the first time we have had a problem with her stealing, it started when she was 4 she stole chewing gum and I was so mad I brought her down to the guards to put the fear of god into her and that seemed to work until now.

Please PLEASE .... Any advice would be great, and I swear if anyone says she is only 6 I will scream.

Thanks

incidently the trip to the police as a child is what inspired Alfred hitchcock to become the great film maker he was!

byhookorbycrook

Marching a child into a Garda station is passing the buck, a parent needs to be the one who takes action. If a child learns to fear gardaí ,how would they ever approach one for help??

Wolfe Tone

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Marching a child into a Garda station is passing the buck, a parent needs to be the one who takes action. If a child learns to fear gardaí ,how would they ever approach one for help??

I wouldnt look at it that way, they would think others fear em too, who better to have on your side!

January

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Marching a child into a Garda station is passing the buck, a parent needs to be the one who takes action. If a child learns to fear gardaí ,how would they ever approach one for help??

They're not learning to fear the Garda and I didn't mean march them in and tell them to lock them up. Community Garda are trained for this sort of thing and would sit the child down and have a chat with them about it.

It's all well and good making them turn out their pockets leaving a friend/relatives house but what if they steal from a shop, chances are if they're caught the parent can be blamed on this and prosecuted, and that would be some fun, wouldn't it?

seamus

January wrote: »

chances are if they're caught the parent can be blamed on this and prosecuted,

Not really. The shop would need to prove that the parent was complicit in the crime - i.e. they sent their child in to steal, like some parents do.

There is practically nothing to fear about marching the child into a shop to admit theft and apologise. Even if the shop got a bee in their bonnet about it, the parent cannot be charged with a criminal offence, the Gardai are extremely unlikely to pursue a complaint, especially if the goods and/or cost of the goods have been returned, and a civil suit from the shop would get little or no money out of you.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the response. I appreciate it.

I have been sitting my daughter down and explaining to her that stealing is bad, not that she is bad, but the act is bad. Both my husband and I have told her how disappointed we are in what she has done and that she has upset us and that we are sad. That it is wrong and we are asking her what if someone stole her toy, how would she feel.

I have brought her back to the shop where she stole and made her give back what she has stolen and made her explain why she has stolen and apologise to the man in the shop - who did lecture her about how much stealing costs everyone, and believe me - that is hard, humiliating for me and very upsetting.

I have withheld her favourite toy for one week at a time as a punishment to show her what it would be like it someone stole her toy, so that we she could understand that if it is stolen, it is gone and she can't get it back.

We have been working with the green, silver and gold stars to show how good she can be and praising her for every good thing that she has done, trying to focus on the positive and not the negative.

I am going to burn in hell, but I did even smack her I was sooo frustrated and that is not something that I believe it, and that is something I believe I will never do again :-(

I am being honest, I blame myself, I have been asking her how she is, how is her day, is she happy, has anything happened, how her day went, if she is frustrated, sad, angry, unhappy etc, seeing what is going on in the back ground, and I feel I am failing her - I feel I am failing my 6 year old daughter.

I do not know what to do at this stage. My doctor says it is just a phase, I have sought medical advice, I am being told give her loads of praise, we do that already, I am worn out.

So what next ?

Penny Dreadful

Stealing wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the response. I appreciate it.

I have been sitting my daughter down and explaining to her that stealing is bad, not that she is bad, but the act is bad. Both my husband and I have told her how disappointed we are in what she has done and that she has upset us and that we are sad. That it is wrong and we are asking her what if someone stole her toy, how would she feel.

I have brought her back to the shop where she stole and made her give back what she has stolen and made her explain why she has stolen and apologise to the man in the shop - who did lecture her about how much stealing costs everyone, and believe me - that is hard, humiliating for me and very upsetting.

I have withheld her favourite toy for one week at a time as a punishment to show her what it would be like it someone stole her toy, so that we she could understand that if it is stolen, it is gone and she can't get it back.

We have been working with the green, silver and gold stars to show how good she can be and praising her for every good thing that she has done, trying to focus on the positive and not the negative.

I am going to burn in hell, but I did even smack her I was sooo frustrated and that is not something that I believe it, and that is something I believe I will never do again :-(

I am being honest, I blame myself, I have been asking her how she is, how is her day, is she happy, has anything happened, how her day went, if she is frustrated, sad, angry, unhappy etc, seeing what is going on in the back ground, and I feel I am failing her - I feel I am failing my 6 year old daughter.

I do not know what to do at this stage. My doctor says it is just a phase, I have sought medical advice, I am being told give her loads of praise, we do that already, I am worn out.

So what next ?

When you told your daughter that you and her Dad were really disappointed in her for her behaviour how did she react? Did she say anything and give any idea as to why she might be doing this? Could it possibly be an attention thing?

flowerchild

It sounds like you are doing a lot already. Make sure that you get enough sleep and exercise so that you are a positive resourceful role model for her. I wouldn't take her to the garda. Have you considered using restorative justice principles? My son who is six was talking over key restorative justice questions with me last night (he has been learning about it at school). If you are interested I can find the card and give you the (4 or 5) discussion starters. It looks like the focus is on helping the child develop empathy for what was happening for the other and what the potential impacts were for the person harmed. Also getting the child to think through what the fix-up process should be.

Taking away toys etc is still the adult being in charge. It sounds like your daughter would benefit in being the one to think of ways to restore/make good her behaviours.

And that's a brilliant life lesson to learn.

Wolfe Tone

I am going to burn in hell, but I did even smack her I was sooo frustrated and that is not something that I believe it, and that is something I believe I will never do again :-(

Dont be beating yourself up over that tbh

Victor

You know the way that some kids like to collect stickers and badges? Aged 8, my friend used to do that, collecting the badges from the neighbours cars.

I have to admit that at the same age, I took small amounts of money, probably totaling no more than two pounds over a few months. I did it out of jealousy / desire to have what other kids had, not realising the right way to do it was to ask.

I worked in retail for a while and I caught two boys of a similar age trying to pass a dud €10 note* - on the instructions of an older boy, who stayed outside. That they knew to try to rush me as I was dealing with another customer, suggested that this was something that was contemplated and perhaps rehearsed. I phoned the Garda (as much on child protection grounds as anything) and told the other kid to get a parent and told the two of them to sit down. One was convinced that he was going to be sent to a home. When the two gardai arrived, I dealt with one, while the other gave them the Nth degree (while the rest of us were trying not to laugh). One of their fathers came down and supported them, as they were becoming emotional and he said things would be sorted, but it was very clear that that responsibility had to be taken.

Sharrow wrote: »

Time to teach her about respect and boundaries.
If that means getting her to turn out her pockets before you leave anywhere and embrassing her to teach her a lesson each time, then it's worth it in the long run.

Be careful of the embarrassment - don't go for humiliation. Embarrassing the child potentially just breeds resentment and another behaviour will be carried out behind your back.** Rather than march them back to the shop and embarrass them in front of everyone, possibly arrange things with the manager or community Garda such that there is the third party awareness, i.e. the child knows the third party knows, but not the outright humiliation.***

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Marching a child into a Garda station is passing the buck, a parent needs to be the one who takes action. If a child learns to fear gardaí ,how would they ever approach one for help??

Not fear - the child needs to know that actions have repercussions beyond what they can immediately see and that the garda is an important authority figure (not just parents, teacher). I imagine the approach the community gardai take is first to reprimand and them to build a relationship.

* Moderate to good quality to the eye, but an obvious fake under the UV light. They claimed they had found it in a garden, but with the older boy involved, I'm not so certain that was completely true, e.g. they could have been told it was found in the garden and wouldn't have known to question that assertion.

** Me, age 15-16 getting the "Who's Rachel?" conversation interrogation from my mother simply resulted in me not discussing relationships with my parents.

*** Me aged 4 having my mother change my trousers in the school corridor, instead of the toilets that were only a few meters away and being seen by one of my classmates who stuck her head out the door.

s3129

When I was 7 or 8 I stole a wedding ring! From my friends house, it was his moms. When I went to school the next day I gave it to my other friend as a present! I dont know what I was thinking.. anyway, obviously it got found out, and I will never forget how embarrassed I was when I had to go back and apoligise to my friends mom. I made sure never to do it again!

If your daughter steals from some one else, make her face up to that person. Maybe, like me, it will be enough for her to never do it again.

Victor

Stealing wrote: »

I am going to burn in hell, but I did even smack her I was sooo frustrated and that is not something that I believe it, and that is something I believe I will never do again :-(

Not ideal, but we all get angry, that is perfectly natural. Rising above it is what is important.

So what next ?

The next step is to encourage her to earn things. Having to work for something much reduces the tendency to be flippant about property (if only adults could learn this). It also demonstrates that if you desire something that you don't have that there are other ways of getting it than stealing.

Queen-Mise

My son (9) went though a week of stealing things - I caught him the three times (he wasn't very good). Each time we went back to the shop and handed the items back.
He was most offended in Sam McCauleys though: he had taken a pack of Lucozade sweets and had eaten about a third of the pack. I went in paid for the pack - and asked the girl to throw them in the bin. Even though I had paid for them it still was not ok. He was mightily offended :D:D

I am inclined not to take much notice of it - I did a load of stealing sweets etc when I was a kid. I stopped as I got older when I realised the shame I would feel if I got caught or if my parents were called in.

The day with my son & Sam McCauleys, it was about 10 days before his First Communion - and I buying his necklace for it. I still went and bought it - he had his punishment in the shop, it was done then.