Seperation.

thomaseye

Hi all,
First time poster here and all replies will be much appreciated.

At Christmas my wife of 3 years left our home and moved into a flat of her own.We have been together for a total of 9 years and lived together for nearly all of that time.We have a beautiful 5 year old boy who we both adore.
I don't believe my wife was seeing someone else behind my back nor was I behind hers.
We have not been getting on for a while and the slightest comment from either of us could cause the stupidest of rows.
We were in a sexless relationship for a long time, I'd try to start something and be pushed away.I could only take rejection so many times when I stopped trying to do anything. For a married man, the last time we were intimate was last October.That's shocking when you see that written down in front of you.
I am the 'stay at home' parent in our relationship and my wife is the bread winner.I think she finds it hard to be the 'earner' in our house and I think she resents my position both at home and the time I have with our son and yet she says she'd have to work.
The bottom line here is that we are now a broken family. We haven't been getting on for this long while and my wife says that its better we part now than 10 years time when we're in our 50's.
My wife is a beautiful woman, in my eyes anyway, but has a temper that you would really go out of your way to avoid. She could be the moodiest person on the planet and as I said sex, even when we were putting an effort in to our sex life it was boring and dull.
When I asked her to go to couples councilling with me she refused outright saying she would not talk to a 'stranger' about 'sex'! Heaven forbid.A trained couples councilor could save our family!! I think that's what hurts the most in all this, her lack of effort to try and repair our marriage and our sons family.
So, here I am, on my own. My son is up stairs in bed and I'm down here totally miserable.I miss my wife so much it hurts more than I can describe and I can't understand why I'm so sad.What am I missing? I'm as alone now as I was when she lived here. Maybe its simply that I'm the one being rejected. I really don't know.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for the poor penmanship.

Milkmaid

OP sorry you are going through this tough time. I went through it some years back, but it does get better.
Like Sunflower said you are young yet, life begins again.For me and many others in the 40+ age group we have found contentment and a new beginning. It is very hard the first year and there is a grieving process that has to be gone through. In a lot of ways for the main child carer it is hard because they invested their whole life and career and the other person has left but their life appears to stay the same as before. But you know what, the child you look after will have a very strong bond with you and I found that years later my kids and me were like a team and my Ex is the outsider..he has terrible regrets whilst I am happy.
Like you I tried and tried to get counselling help but he wouldn't hear of it. I went by myself and it was very healing..perhaps you could go? It is a painful process and you have to be kind to yourself. Also if you are the main carer make sure your child gets his maintenance, this can be done through Legal-Aid. Get legal advice if you haven't and set up a visitation schedule as it is both parents' responsibility to look after the child...if she wants a divorce then she can share the child-rearing.

Smashhits

Hi OP, so sorry to hear your story. Reading it i kept thinking this was my life up to recently. I split with my OH last year after 18 years together. I know how it feels to be the one that's rejected. You will have so many nights where you feel so lonely and alone but take comfort in your child. He will give you unconditional love and hugs. He is the most important person in your life right now.

It's hard to keep going but take each day as it comes. Deal with the mundane of life it will help. I know it's a cliche but time does heal. Good luck.

LegacyUser

much the same boat op but there was stuff going on behind my back. we have been together for so long its really breaking me up. only for my child I would be outa this country tomorrow. nothing for me here now really. dont/cant see how we can tell our child as it will be a major shock.

thomaseye

Thanks a million for taking the time both to read my post a reply to it.
I am going to a councilor and I do find the sessions very helpful. Even the councilor found it odd that my wife wouldn't. go but I'll keep going.
I have been dumped before and I know that time is a great healer but man does it hurt when you are going through it.
My wife is nothing but great when it comes to money for her family so that's not an issue, thankfully.
i don't want to sound like that my wife is the only reason for our split, there's 2 of us in this and I am far from perfact.
I do miss her, I miss her touch and I miss the way we used to be together but your comments have helped me no end.Thank you all again.
This must be for the best, it has to be, you can't toss away your sons family without it being right,right??:(

Dougal O

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that OP is better off without.

Obviously I don't mean to be judgemental (and I'm in the middle of my own awful situation, so I guess this could be a biased comment), but separating and breaking up a family should, IMO, really only be considered a valid option after ALL other possible avenues have met with brick walls. Shouldn't it?

Those avenues should or could include counselling/therapy, reading up on your issues, changing from being closed & defensive to honest & open - whatever it takes.

It seems to me (and I intend this comment in no way as judgemental on anyone, either on this thread or anywhere else) that separating could possibly an "easy-out" for some people who just are tired or bored with their lot, or who aren't capable of, or willing to, address their own deep-rooted issues, and prefer rather to bale out - the pain of splitting up the family could be more comfortably borne that the pain of dealing with older, more deeply-rooted issues.

IMO (and I'm atheist), marriage is a pretty serious thing: disregarding a god, the vows - for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer - are actually really important.

Most marriage collapses in modern times (when your own begins to collapse, you seem to become aware of many others) seem to be a result of the dismissal of the "for better or worse" vow - "things are sh1te, I'm outta here", "I can't put up with your bad habits any more, I'm outta here", "you've let yourself go to pot, I'm outta here", "you don't make me feel special, I'm outta here" . . .

Shouldn't the first, and most thoroughly-explored avenue be "what's the real, actual reason for these feelings?" Then let's address that reason. It seems too common that the real root problems are left un-exposed, and the separation becomes real for no valid reason - if the real issues had been identified, separation may not have been the only solution. Isn't "family" the most important thing there is? Isn't that worth comprimise? Tolerance? Patience? Consideration? Effort?

Imagine separating because of the dismissal of the 2nd vow - "you have cancer, I'm outta here", "you were crippled in a crash, I'm outta here" . . .

Again, no judgement or disrespect to anyone, but the claim "I'm not happy with you, so we have to separate" just seems like a lazy ticket to me. If after a lot of two-way honesty, respect, consideration, effort and comprimise from both parties, things are still unbearable, at least we could concede genuine defeat, rather than forfeit.

Would we want our kids to stay in unhappy relationships when they grow up? Of course not - we want them to be strong and have self-worth & self-respect.

Would we want them baling out of every relationship because of skidmarks on the loo? Or because the milk bottle is always being put back in the fridge with the handle facing inwards? Or because the attic hasn't been cleared out for years?

By separating more easily, are we giving our kids the message: be strong & self-respecting? Or are we giving them the message that commitment isn't valuable? That consideration & tolerance are not valuable?

OP: try everything at your disposal to save your family. Don't give up till it really is undeniable that there is no hope. Rather than accept an end, search for solutions and address every issue you upturn. Find whatever it takes to help your wife see that counselling could help save your family. If she's intelligent & reasonable, and loves you and wants to save the family, she will find it difficult to refuse counselling, unless she simply wants out for her own reasons - why refuse help otherwise?

Sorry for preaching, and I sincerely mean no offense and am in no way being judgemental toward anyone.

Good luck OP.

thomaseye

I agree with you.
I don't think my wife is giving our family a fair shot here, I don't believe that there is any problem that we can't work out between us, be it in the bedroom or in the way we interact with eachother.
The bottom line here is that I love my wife and if it were me I'd do anything to give this family a fighting chance but she won't and will NOT entertain going to a councilor so what do I do? I've told her how I feel about this but no way.
I really don't know what to do.

Abi

thomaseye wrote: »

I agree with you.
I don't think my wife is giving our family a fair shot here, I don't believe that there is any problem that we can't work out between us, be it in the bedroom or in the way we interact with eachother.
The bottom line here is that I love my wife and if it were me I'd do anything to give this family a fighting chance but she won't and will NOT entertain going to a councilor so what do I do? I've told her how I feel about this but no way.
I really don't know what to do.

I really don't understand why you think there is anything you can do here. It seems she's made a decision, and unfortunately you're going to have to accept that and try to move on.

I don't mean to sound harsh, and you do sound like a lovely man, and that you would do anything to save the marraige - which is admirable. But unless two people want the same thing, and BOTH want it to work, you're going to have to accept that the marraige is over.

Im speaking from personal experience, as I was in your wifes shoes. Moving out of the family home isn't an easy choice to make, so this has been on her mind a long time. I think if its gotten that far, she's already made up her mind. I should have moved out a lot earlier, it confused my ex into thinking that we still had anything between us, even though any kind of intimacy was lonnnng gone, and we'd been sleeping seperately. As it happens, I now live back in the house we originally shared and he's moved back to his parents. I just wanted to be away from him, being in the same home just confused matters. I'm currently trying to get a seperation, but it is is far from an amicable situation, and he's making a lot of trouble for me. I did go to counselling with him etc, but that doesn't mean it will save your marraige. Throughout the sessions I just felt dead inside, and that we were really scraping the barrell - it was too late.

I suspect your wife might be on the same track. I think that counselling can still help you both in another way however, you have to keep the lines of communication open because most importantly, you are both parents. It's so important that you are getting on well, and both spending time with the child, and making sure that he feels loved by you both.

Dougal O

Without knowing anyone's situations, my point, and firm belief, is that separation seems to be an easier option than working on the relationship. And that's wrong.

Even if one partner made a mistake in getting married in the first place, efforts should be made to bend & accommodate & be flexible. Unless the relationship is destructive, abusive etc, shouldn't we just man-up & deal with our mistakes? There's not a perfect human on the face of the planet. There's no "one" for all of us - the thought that by the time my son is of an age to marry & settle, he may hook up with a woman that may eventually destroy his life simply because she "got it wrong", or that life isn't turning out like she hoped or expected, is horrendous.

I understand that probably sounds harsh, and I know there are some very valid separations, grounded on very real irreparable issues. My beef is this notion of baling out without addressing obvious issues - that's shirking responsibiity. You committed, you have issues - work on them, if they can't be resolved, then separation may well be valid. But to go from having issues to moving out & seeking separation without seeking help to address the issues is about as wrong as things get, in my view.

OP, my case is reasonably similar in many ways. I won't hi-jack, but to say I'm very bitter towards my wife using some of my failings as grounds to separate. These failings are open topics with her parents, my parents, all siblings on both sides, all friends on both sides, and the counseller we saw together. No-one seems to believe that the failings I'm being hit for are solid enough grounds for separating. But no-one is challenging my wife on it, except me. And that makes me look like a) I don't accept guilt & responsibility for my failings, and b) that I'm in denial that it's over.

My wife refused further counselling sessions (either with me or on her own) once topics she's sensitive about started surfacing. This isn't fair - I'm fully exposed for my failings (and want to willingly change behaviours & habits I know I need to - I'm continuing counselling alone), yet she won't concede any of her own. For whatever reason inside her own head, she simply wants out. She's guilty of nothing, and absolutely has to get away from me because I make her so angry. Simply by being near her. Whether I'm sitting quietly reading a paper, making a dinner, dressing the kids for school - my very presence brings on rage in her. And she reckons the solution is to separate from me, rather than get to the root of why this hate is so strong & uncontrollable. Even my failings that she's citing as grounds to separate aren't anything that a reasonable person would separate over. There is however, major baggage from way in our past, yet this is what's being vehemently suppressed, and not discussed, and certainly not being considered (by my wife) as even a possible factor.

OK, so I did hi-jack a bit - sorry. But my crap may help in some way.

Bottom line? I'm learning that no matter how unfair it is, I have no control over what's happening. It's sad, and frustrating, and it sucks.

thomaseye

I'm sorry you're going through what sound like a toughter scene than I am.
My wife and I are being very civil to eachother which is a big help. I'm very frustrated with our situation but all I can do is the day to day stuff and try to get on with things.I don't think she is going to change her mind nor do I think she is going to go to a councilor on her own,which she said she would do.
I think that I have to get used to my lot in life and accept that in time my wife will be telling me about her new fella, will be making our seperation legal and eventually will look for a divorce.
My wife was very good at telling me what was wrong with our relationship but not too good at actually working out the problems.
Quick, run and hide and everything will be fine!!!!........oh and you, I don't need you anymore.

Dougal O

thomaseye wrote: »

...oh and you, I don't need you anymore.

That's it.

And support, counselling, etc won't change that in my 40's, I'm facing renting whatever I can afford till I die, while my wife will probably continue enjoying the home that I literally built (extensions & conversions) myself, maybe with another guy.

I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to let go of the fact (as I perceive things) that my wife simply wants out, and no-one but me challenges her on it. Don't get me wrong when I say this - I'm not suicidal at all, but I can't say I have much vim for my future. It's the all-consuming sense of "this doesn't need to be happening - if only she'd be reasonable and responsible and mature".

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that there's already someone else in her life - it make some sort of sense of her determination to separate, despite my own feeling, and repeated comments to me from both hers & my own friends & family, that what she's claiming I've done (and I have let her down) simply wouldn't warrant separation for a reasonable person.

My solicitor suggested her resistance to continue with counselling could well be because she doesn't want another relationship exposed. I'll say this - if she is seeing someone else, the whole game changes - it won't be me leaving the family home. But I may never know.

Hang in there Thomaseye - one response I got on another forum suggested that the partner being "left", if they tried to fix things, or even wanted to try to fix things, can stand tall when the dust settles - it's the partner who left without trying that should be ashamed and judged.

thomaseye

I think your comment about not going to a councillor is a well made one.
My wife in both her home and work life is a very organised person. Everything planned down to the finest detail. That is her thing and would tell you that.
Doing what she has is out totally out of character for her.
Maybe she has a relationship going on behind my back,I hope there isn't. GOD I really hope there isn't!!!! But if there is what can I do? Nothing!!!
If I dwell on my wife going off with someone else then I would go off my game totally, so I try not to think about that AT ALL!!!
Man but I'm tired of this. I still can't sleep and I can't get it out of my head.
I'd do time for a nights sleep. I'm beat in every sence of the word.
As you can see the form's low today.

lynsalot

Hi OP,

I'm separated myself and its been over a year since the split. I too went through every conceivable notion in my head to save my marriage to the point of going to counselling alone as he wouldn't go with me.

I turned myself inside out to change to try to make it work. I couldn't figure out why he didn't want it. marriage is very important to me and the idea of being separated was hard to accept. It's easy for people who are outside your relationship to generalise and make sweeping statements about the covenant of marriage in these times but every situation is different.

What ultimately helped me was having to live with my ex for 3 months while separated because he wouldn't move out until the separation was final in case he lost his stake in the house (I know ridiculous eh?)

Anyway it helped because things were so so bad it made me stronger and coming out of it I was determined to take life full on. Right now things are low but after a while it will get better. You need to be kind to yourself now. This will take time and its perfectly natural to be upset over it. You might even have good days and it'll spring out of nowhere.

I can't comment on how happy you were and happier you will be but from reading what you've said its possible you might be happier with someone else, when you're ready. Focus on yourself for a while. Aren't there things you wanted to achieve before you settled down? Whether it was personally or professionally. Keep your friends around you for support.

You're certainly not alone. There's so many people who have gone and are going through this. If you're sitting at home and these feelings resurface call a friend or organise something. You need to pick yourself up but allow for these down times aswell, just mind yourself that they don't take over.

You have a wonderful son who loves you very much. This amazing little guy will help you get through it too. He needs you to be his daddy and you can't be replaced. You're so important to him and take comfort in that. This isn't the end. It's a hurdle to overcome but you will get there like all the other people who've gone through this. Just let yourself deal with the emotions and go through the stages.

mind yourself. Best of luck.

thomaseye

Thanks for the words of support Lyn, much appreciated.
Monday is councillor day so weeee!!!
Thanks again.

Dougal O

Thomaseye, consider seeing your doctor. If you're not sleeping, you'll be useless to anyone. Make no mistake, this is BIG stress, and it's not only your mind that will suffer. Take care of yourself.

If there was nothing in your mind about your wife having another relationship befor I posted, let it go from your mind now. Maybe people, even people we think we know well, simply crack sometimes.

Good luck.

lynsalot

Best of luck Thomaseye.

Definitely the way to go.

thomaseye

Thanks again guys!!!

mimi7365

From your wife's perspective:

Sometimes we marry the wrong person. We don't know this at the time we marry but it becomes apparent later on in the marriage. Usually we keep it to ourselves and keep ploughing on day after day, week after week, and year after year hoping that it will all turn out alright.

But there comes a point when we have to admit that it will never be alright. That if we stay, no matter what sort of counselling/life coaching we engage in, it will never be alright.

I hope you can accept that your wife is gone because if she had stayed, I think you would both be very unhappy.

thomaseye

I get that Mimi,I really do but not to even try???
Our sons family unit is the most important thing here.
I asked my wife to give us a chance over a year and we could try our best to make this family work, if after 12 months and things were not working out for her I would stand aside, no questions asked.
I don't think I was asking too much in that but I was shot down.
Her priorities are not on this family.
Like I said before, my wife was very good at pointing out things that are wrong in our relationship but not willing to work on the problems. You gotta work on a marriage or so I thought.
Give things a fair chance, thats all I want.

Smashhits

I tried the same with my OH, I also feel like he just walked away without giving me or his kids another thought. It's easy for the oh to blame everyone else, or to only see the negative in the marriage. It justifies their actions in their own head.

But i feel that there must have been love there for her to go through with the marriage and have a child so say that 'Sometimes we marry the wrong person.' in my opinion is a bit of a cop out.

That's just not good enough when your actions affect not only your ex but children and extended families.

As i said already OP please take comfort in your son and take everyday as it comes. You've done all you can, you tried to save your marriage but there are 2 people in a marriage and if one has checked out there's very little can be done. Good Luck.

Dougal O

I have to disagree on the "we marry the wrong person" comment. Not because I'm in a similar boat, Thomaseye, but because I have great problems with absence of reason. In any situation. That's not to say I can't be unreasonable, but when the sh1t hits the fan, reasonableness is absolutely vital.

To abandon anything without trying to save it is an indicator, to me, that it's not important, or that it's not the most important thing. And what's more important than family? I'm not more important than my family. My counseller got it out of me that my wife has basically emotionally abused me for years - venting anger that was rooted elsewhere, putting me down, insulting me - all basically because she's just an angry person. But I've loved her all the time. I let the outbursts pass, I know I'm not a bad person, I accept my wife has issues, I love her, so I just "put up & shut up". And I understand my wife has problems with me - I've let her down, I have behaviours and habits that she simply can't stand any more. I completely understand that she sees only an awful future for herself if she has to stay with me - as far as she's concerned, I'll never change. I'll maintain the behaviours and habits I always have because they're part of me. And maybe she's right - Real change is very difficult to implement when it's been part of your person for all of your life. But I'd do all in my power and means to at least try to change or even curb as much as I could, in order to keep my family unit intact.

On marrying "the wrong person" - there's an implication there that there exists such a thing as "the right person". For me, this is not realistic or enlightened. I really don't mean to be rude or condescending with that comment - please forgive me if it comes accross that way. But to me (and I'm atheist), marriage, more than any other relationship we as social animals enter into, involves far more comprimise, leniency, tolerance, consideration, acceptance and respect than any other. The next closest thing might be sharing a bedroom with a sibling when growing up.

People fart, our crap smells, we snore, we get BO, we scratch our butts, we have terrible laughs, we don't like all the same things our partners like, we can be careless & selfish, cruel, mean, we age, our behaviours & habits that were tolerable at the start maybe become intolerable, then that descends into "I can't stand you any more, I can't be with you any more." To me, that's simply not fair - your farts smelled all those years too, but I never baled out on the family. Your cruel comments & insults & put-downs changed my personality, but I never baled out on the family.

Maybe we should bale out to save ourselves. To preserve what we like about ourselves. To give ourselves the chance of a better life, of happiness. But should we do that at the cost of an intact family unit? Of course we should, if the environment at home is so bad that there's no option but to split up - regular groundless arguments/hostility/aggression, physical abuse, infidelity, unchecked addictions, deceipt, gross neglect - then of course separating is apropriate, but to me, the real crux of Thomaseye's, mine, and so many other people's situations I'm becoming aware of (where there's an aparrent absence of the extremes mentioned above), is that one partner simply tires of the things they don't like about their partner, and call it a day. With blank refusal to try to fix things. Or to even dig to get to the root cause. What's to lose by trying? To me there are only a handful of reasons to bale out while resisting attempts for repair - there could be another relationship waiting in the wings, or there wasn't any real love in the first place, or the fear that digging (in counselling, cognitive therapy, or whatever) may expose an issue that was intended to be suppressed right to the grave. Or maybe one partner wants out simply because they're bored, they got it wrong, their taste has changed - whatever - and attempts to repair the relationship will only serve to scupper the opportunity to get out.

Of course it's possible to marry a bad person, or that the person we married has changed so much, they're no longer even similar in any way to the person we married. But if it's us ourself that's changed, and it's our own change that's caused a shift in tolerance, acceptance, etc, then is it really fair to bring on the collapse of a family?

The phrase "put up & shut up" has been uttered a few times to me, and I don't believe it's fair. It presumes no actual change of, or intention to change, what's brought on the notion to separate. Facing separation (to me, separation, when there are children from the marriage, would be more accurately called "destruction of family"), I'd change my blood type to save my family.

Sorry, this went on longer than I intended - Thomaseye, I really don't mean to hi-jack & turn this into a thread about me. I guess your own case just strikes a very strong chord with me & has me incenced.

For me separating should simply be the absolute very last resort after every other alternative has failed.

Even if comments or discussions took place during the relationship, but nothing changed, we need to be asking ourselves "why was there no change?" Was it because our partner really didn't care? Or was it because we communicated in ways that our partner simply wasn't receptive to? Regularly shouting and screaming at me, for everything I did wrong or didn't do right, was never going to do anything other than turn me off giving my wife further audience. Sitting me down and telling me calmly, "I love you and I want us to be happy and have a happy & healthy family, but I feel lonely, you're no help with the kids, you're never romantic, you only do things you want to do: I need to see some change or I think I may be starting to resent you and lose any positive feelings for you" would have been closer to getting me to realise the truth and change.

All too late, it seems, I found the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I did the survey in it and found that one of my main languages was Physical Touch (no surprise to me - like most men, the physical aspect of a relationship is a big factor for me). What was a huge surprise was that I scored equal top with Words of Affirmation - aparrently I need to hear that she loves me, that I've impressed her, that she likes or apreciates what I've done. This was a real revelation - when I think about it, I agree with it. But my wife has regularly been verbally abusive to me, when my joint-top love language requires the direct opposite. Yet I never left her.

Anyone reading this thread - you probably have reason to be interested in that book: it's quite enlightening. I'm trying to get my wife to read it, and to do the survey in it. If we can reveal both our primary love languages and determine whether we've been speaking them to each other, we may be able to figure some of our problems out. And then begin communicating with each other in ways that are positively effective for each other.

Or maybe it really is too late, and it's already all over, and I'm just in very deep denial . . .

thomaseye

Bottom line, it's the lack of effort here.
The lack of priority for our family and to choose living away from us for whatever she wants to call this.
I'm done here guys,
Thanks for all the comments which I can honestly say were a great help.I hope my wife will have a look at what she's actually doing to our family but I won't hold my breath for any lightening bolts!
I'll keep reading on 'Boards' but my not comment

thomaseye

Sorry guys,
Was well pissed off yesterday, just had a really bad day.
But thanks again for all the support, all comments are very welcome regardless of the pint of view.
I'm not the first person in the world that this will happen to and I certainly wont be the last.
It's tough though!!!

aidan24326

thomaseye wrote: »

I get that Mimi,I really do but not to even try???
Our sons family unit is the most important thing here.
I asked my wife to give us a chance over a year and we could try our best to make this family work, if after 12 months and things were not working out for her I would stand aside, no questions asked.
I don't think I was asking too much in that but I was shot down.
Her priorities are not on this family.
Like I said before, my wife was very good at pointing out things that are wrong in our relationship but not willing to work on the problems. You gotta work on a marriage or so I thought.
Give things a fair chance, thats all I want.

Your son's welfare is of course paramount in all of this, but that's not to say that you shouldn't consider your own feelings here too, and your wife hers. The idea of ploughing on through a miserable marriage 'just for the kids' is a noble one, but I'd suggest the wrong one. For you, your wife and your child.

The last thing any child needs is to grow up in a household where his parents are constantly fighting and arguing, and the last thing you and your wife need is to waste away the rest of the one life you'll ever get in a soulless marriage.

You wanting to do everything to save your marriage is admirable, and if there was more people like you out there I expect the divorce rate wouldn't be as high. But you can only try so hard, and it seems your wife is in no mood to compromise. I imagine that for her, the marriage was over some time ago, that's why she's unwilling to try and fix it now because for her there's nothing left to fix. Could there be another guy in the background? Sorry to say it but my guess from what you've written is that yes there's a strong possibility of another guy (and of course I could be wrong it's just a hunch).

Smashhits wrote: »

But i feel that there must have been love there for her to go through with the marriage and have a child so say that 'Sometimes we marry the wrong person.' in my opinion is a bit of a cop out.

Problem is though, that what seeemed like the right person at the time might not feel like the right person x number of years later. People change, they grow apart, what they want from life can diverge. It's a big ask to spend your whole life with one person, given all the changes we go through in that time. That anyone manages it at all is probably the biggest surprise. Compromise is needed of course, and communication and working through the rough patches and all of those things. But it's ok to admit defeat too, and it doesn't make you a bad person to do so where all efforts to make it work have failed.

mimi7365

thomaseye wrote: »

I get that Mimi,I really do but not to even try???
Our sons family unit is the most important thing here.
I asked my wife to give us a chance over a year and we could try our best to make this family work, if after 12 months and things were not working out for her I would stand aside, no questions asked.
I don't think I was asking too much in that but I was shot down.
Her priorities are not on this family.
Like I said before, my wife was very good at pointing out things that are wrong in our relationship but not willing to work on the problems. You gotta work on a marriage or so I thought.
Give things a fair chance, thats all I want.

You've been together for 9 years and married for 3 of them - I'd call that trying very hard. I think it takes more courage to take the decision to walk away from a family unit than it does to stay as part of that family. The situation your wife found herself in was obviously intolerable for her.

thomaseye

As I said earlier,
I asked my wife to give our family a year. 12 months.
I also said that I would stand aside, no questions asked if she were not happy after that time.
She refused,as I said that during that 12 months we would have to go to a councillor and try to work on the problems that we have.She refused to give our family a year and would not to go to a councillor.
What does that say to me about her?
She's put her fear of what might actually surface at a councilling session over my childs family. To me she's taken the easy out and wouldn't give any effort to the commitment she made when we were married 3 years ago.
It could also come out that she doesn't like me anymore, if so, be it. I'm not afraid of trying to fix this, she might hate me but lets see. I'm not afraid of what surfaces here.
A year was obviously too much to ask.

thomaseye

Ye know Aidan,
I don't know if she is seeing somebody 'behind my back',
I could ask but honestly, I'd be afraid of the answer.
If she said she was it would totally break my heart. This is hard enough to go through without knowing my wife is having sex with someone else. That idea's just scarey.