theres this girl

LegacyUser

This will probably seem trivial to most.

I met a girl at a party over the weekend. We are both in our late twenties. I met her just once before through mutual friends and she didn't much seem interested in talking to me that first time.

Very late in the evening last weekend, herself and her close friend were chatting. Her close friend is someone I'm reasonably friendly with but we have other mutual friends but none of which I'm very close with.

I approached them both just to suggest to our mutual friend that we could share a taxi when leaving later. We live close to each other. Our mutual friend introduced us properly and I wasn't expecting anything more than a couple of pleasantries, tbh.

However, she turned her focus to me at that stage. She shook/ took my hand and she seemed a little awkward but smiled and drew me into a conversation. She practically elbowed our mutual friend out of the way! I don't like to dance but she stood up and took my hand again and insisted that we dance, which we did! She inisisted that people take our picture and she kept throwing her arms around me. This was all wonderful.

She got dragged away at one stage and I sat down. She returned and threw herself down right against me. We had a really close/ intimate chat and she she really shared with me. There was lots of eye contact and we were so close, we were practically just whispering.

It was all really sweet... except for one thing. She has a bf. He's abroad and has been for some time. She was pretty drunk at the time and I was completely sober. I'm worried she just wanted to spend the evening flirting but she's a really upmarket, classy lady and doesn't seem the type to mess around for the hell of it.

I think she might be considering finishing with her bf. I'm worried too that she maybe liked me but worried she'd made a fool of herself (she was fairly drunk)? Or maybe she sobered up and discarded the beer goggles? She kind of seems like the shy neurotic type (just my type!).

I'm not hideous but she was the prettiest girl there. I could see the other guys glaring at me. This doesn't happen to me. There were lots of nice, single guys there but she 'chose' me. But what can I do now.

I'm not really close enough to any of our mutual friends to 'suss' her out but I don't think that it seemed like trivial flirtation for the sake of it. What can I do to pursue her without coming across as a stalker. We hadn't casually bumped into each other ever before. It was the second time I'd met her in almost a year.

mood

Don't do anything. She has a boyfriend and it could have been harmless flirting after a few drinks.

Azureus

^ +1. A lot of girls flirt after a few drinks, even the 'upmarket classy' ones... A nice chat with a man after a few scoops does not a skank make.

She probably feels a lil lonely with a long distance boyfriend and wanted a bit of harmless chat. She didnt make a move on you, and even if she did I would say leave it, because she is taken. Be the bigger man.

You say you think she is considering finishing with the boyfriend? What evidence do you have for this? It sounds like very little. Leave well enough alone and if she becomes single great, if she doesnt and you make advances towards her, you are asking for one of two things-rejection or a hell of a lot of drama.

Avoid.

tawnyowl

what can one do? wrote: »

This will probably seem trivial to most.

I met a girl at a party over the weekend. We are both in our late twenties. I met her just once before through mutual friends and she didn't much seem interested in talking to me that first time.

Very late in the evening last weekend, herself and her close friend were chatting. Her close friend is someone I'm reasonably friendly with but we have other mutual friends but none of which I'm very close with.

I approached them both just to suggest to our mutual friend that we could share a taxi when leaving later. We live close to each other. Our mutual friend introduced us properly and I wasn't expecting anything more than a couple of pleasantries, tbh.

However, she turned her focus to me at that stage. She shook/ took my hand and she seemed a little awkward but smiled and drew me into a conversation. She practically elbowed our mutual friend out of the way! I don't like to dance but she stood up and took my hand again and insisted that we dance, which we did! She inisisted that people take our picture and she kept throwing her arms around me. This was all wonderful.

She got dragged away at one stage and I sat down. She returned and threw herself down right against me. We had a really close/ intimate chat and she she really shared with me. There was lots of eye contact and we were so close, we were practically just whispering.

It was all really sweet... except for one thing. She has a bf. He's abroad and has been for some time. She was pretty drunk at the time and I was completely sober. I'm worried she just wanted to spend the evening flirting but she's a really upmarket, classy lady and doesn't seem the type to mess around for the hell of it.

Two reasons I'd advise against trying to meetin up with her:
1. She has a boyfriend. Trying to date someone who's already spoken for will not end well.
2. She was drunk at the time. She mightn't act like she did when not drunk.

I think she might be considering finishing with her bf.

I'm not sure where you're getting this from.

I'm worried too that she maybe liked me but worried she'd made a fool of herself (she was fairly drunk)? Or maybe she sobered up and discarded the beer goggles? She kind of seems like the shy neurotic type (just my type!).

I'm not hideous but she was the prettiest girl there. I could see the other guys glaring at me. This doesn't happen to me. There were lots of nice, single guys there but she 'chose' me. But what can I do now.

I'm not really close enough to any of our mutual friends to 'suss' her out but I don't think that it seemed like trivial flirtation for the sake of it. What can I do to pursue her without coming across as a stalker. We hadn't casually bumped into each other ever before. It was the second time I'd met her in almost a year.

Don't pursue her - I doubt if it'll work out for you.

Overheal

tbh - if you were in such an intimate position with her as

threw herself down right against me. We had a really close/ intimate chat and she she really shared with me. There was lots of eye contact and we were so close, we were practically just whispering.

... and you felt that at that time it would have been the wrong thing to advance with her/kiss her - what makes you think its a wise choice now? Sounds to me like if it was something worth pursuing it would have been pursued right then.

thats not why you wrote the thread though so I will just say that if you want to follow up with her why not call her and ask her to hang out or go to the next session. Nothing stalk-ish about that.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

tbh - if you were in such an intimate position with her...you felt that at that time it would have been the wrong thing to advance with her/kiss her - what makes you think its a wise choice now? Sounds to me like if it was something worth pursuing it would have been pursued right then...

When I call her "upmarket", I don't mean she's a 'posh bird'. If I know anything, I know people. My friends always come to me for relationship advice. Casually flirting after a few drinks is not this girl's style. Definitely not.

I'm never delusional. In fact, my friends kill me for concluding that a particular girl wasn't into me when they thought she was. I would always know if a girl was into me. The majority of the time, they're not and that's that. I'm a realist and I'm not interested in humiliating myself, ever.

She was fairly up front about the BF. She spoke about him in a dispassionate manner, IMO. I heard subsequently that he is "more crazy about her, than she is about him- that's obvious". Another friend suggested "why else would she let him leave the country without her?". She wasn't going to kiss me and I wasn't going to try to kiss her knowing there was someone else. I'm not afraid to put myself out there but I decided that it wasn't the time to be forward and if anything were to ever happen it would require biding my time, unfortunately for me.

Overheal wrote: »

...thats not why you wrote the thread though so I will just say that if you want to follow up with her why not call her and ask her to hang out or go to the next session. Nothing stalk-ish about that.

I have no problem being a plan B but I don't want to wait another year before casually bumping into her again. I understand that she only has her closest friends on FB. I didn't ask her for her number. It wouldn't have been appropriate. As I've already said, we don't have mutual friends that are close enough to give me an accurate viewpoint.

The biding my time is the question. Is there anything else I can do apart from going to Hell? Can I avoid things going completely cold without being inappropriate?

LegacyUser

She's a user. Using her boyfriend for all he can offer and using the attention of other men to feed her ego when he isn't around. Nothing classy or attractive about that IMO. Be careful you don't allow your obvious crush on her to cloud your perception of what she really is OP

Colonel_McCoy

Back off.......................if ye ever got together,,she is likely to do the same to you

seachto7

She's doing it to the current BF, she'll probably do it to you as well if you got together........... steer.clear.

LegacyUser

Hate to sound like a know-it-all, but I've seen this happen before.

that's pretty much it, what's been mentioned.

Her boyfriends away, and she's a bit lonely, and she's no doubt a little paranoid he's doing the same thing.

You can forget about it, or you can have a good time with it.
Just don't expect anything too serious.

She prob still only wants her boyfriend, but just someone to "fill in" in the mean time.

If she doesn't do it with you, she'll prob just find someone else to do it with.


Trust me, girls never fall into your lap, just like that, unless somethings up - so as I said, enjoy, but certainly don't get attached or something.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input. I've decided to put the whole thing behind me. It's unlikely our paths will cross any time soon if ever again and it's unlikely that we will meet and have randomly synchronized.

It's hard not to hang onto things when you've been alone as long as I have. I've lost a little weight and friends have commented how good I've been looking and I thought that it might have been this dog's day, finally.

I do stand over the fact that she wasn't playing games and wouldn't have done anything no matter how drunk or rebelious she was feeling. I do stand over the fact that she is of exceptional good character. As one friend suggested, she is one of those people who chose to be in the wrong relationship rather than be alone. I'm choosing to believe that I may have been the one who opened her eyes for a little while. But maybe I'm talking crap.

I never thought she would have had any interest in me whatsoever. For me, it was a single beam of sunshine in an otherwise bleak landscape. Ho hum. Back to the grindstone...

mood

Thread Carefully wrote: »

She's a user. Using her boyfriend for all he can offer and using the attention of other men to feed her ego when he isn't around. Nothing classy or attractive about that IMO. Be careful you don't allow your obvious crush on her to cloud your perception of what she really is OP

God, where are you getting that she is using her boyfriend?

I think everyone is being very hard on the girl and taking it all too seriously. She was drunk and flirted with the OP. That doesn't mean very much. It doesn't mean she used him for attention, it doesn't mean she would cheat on her boyfriend, it doesn't mean she want to end her relationship. It was probably just harmless drunk flirting. It happens all the time and most of the time is harmless.

mood

what can one do? wrote: »

She was fairly up front about the BF. She spoke about him in a dispassionate manner, IMO. I heard subsequently that he is "more crazy about her, than she is about him- that's obvious".

Maybe this was because they had a fight or she is finding the long distance hard. It doesn't mean she wants to end her relationship. Even if she did it doesn't mean she would want or be ready for a new relationship.

OP I really think you are reading way too much into this. Put it behind you and find a girl who IS AVAILABLE.

mood

what can one do? wrote: »

Another friend suggested "why else would she let him leave the country without her?".

For one we are in the major recession. If he had to leave to get work he had little or not choice and her 'not allowing' him to go would be unreasonable and would up major strain on their relationship if not end it. Maybe she has a good job and would have been very foolish to give it up if she or they intend living in Ireland long term. I was listing to the radio yesterday and loads of people e-mailed/texted in saying their partner (mostly husbands) had to leave the country to get work. This is married people leaving a husband or wife and kids for work. Your friend isn't being realistic at all.

LegacyUser

Most of this has been asked and answered above.

Friendliness being mistaken for flirtation is one thing. No one is more for being genuinely friendly than me but if you’re in a healthy permanent relationship, you shouldn’t ‘casually flirt’ with strangers whether you’re male of female. To admit openly to flirting with other guys is beyond the pale, IMO. Unfortunately, this is a sign of the times. How would you feel if your partner was casually flirting in clubs behind your back?

Every guy gets sucked into ‘harmless casual flirting’ with an attached lady sooner or later. I can see these girls a mile off. I think it’s despicable and every time I’m sucked into this confidence boosting exercise, I will turn my back. I have no time for women that do it.

*Whatever happened and for whatever reason was not ‘harmless casual flirting’. Fact.* I have some reason to believe (along with a little wishful thinking I'm sure) that her relationship might be on the rocks. In a way, it explains (but doesn’t really justify) the behaviour. If there had been any more to this story, I would have no interest in her at this stage.

It is a moot point at this stage as I have accepted that more should or will be done about this.

mood

what can one do? wrote: »

To admit openly to flirting with other guys is beyond the pale, IMO.

I'm not admitting to flirting with other guys when in a relationship. I never have but loads of people (male and female) do and more so when drunk. When I say harmless flirting I mean flirting with no intention of it leading to anything which I think is the case here. Maybe I'm wrong but from what you have said that's what it sound like. Sorry if I'm being too blunt but I though you wanted honest advice.