full of guilt and Grief

ziltwo

Hi all, after reading a lot of your stories and feel, maybe if I write something down, it may take away the pain I have in my heart at the moment. I lost my Husband 10 days ago; the family are devastated. I was separated from my husband and we have two beautiful kids. I tried so hard to keep the family together but his addiction got two much for him to cope with his life and his family. the kids found it hard when he left home, but I always gave them hope that there dad may get better. Now he is dead and it has left me with so much guilt, and all the what ifs and of course all the happy memories are over-coming me. I no that we all have to grieve and that each day it will get easier. My Daughter is in huge denial and my son is trying to cope the best way he can.
thanks
zil

ChewChew

Ziltow, sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. no matter what your situation was, he is still your husband whether you were separated or not and he is the father of your children. that's not an easy thing to just forget so the pain in your heart now is very understandable and normal. You and your husband separated at the time because that was the best thing for the 4 of you at that time. His death is not going to change that, however, I can understand why you would feel guilt because you most likely think you should have made more of an effort where deep down you know there was nothing you could do. It's only been 10 days and your kids will both deal with this differently but you will need to be there for them, and they will find their won way to be there for you. You haven't let them down.. you haven't let your husband down, and most importantly, you haven't let yourself down. Your daughter's denial is just one stage of the grieving process as is whatever way your son is trying to cope. You need to cope too but it's ok to cry. To miss him and to feel guilt. When we lose a loved one, we all feel guilt for something or other. remember the beautiful, wonderful memories you have of the man you built your family with. You'll never forget him.
Take care, and mind yourself.

axel rose

Chewchew more or less said everything I would have done. The fact that you were separated doesn't change that you both fell in love and had a family together.

I was widowed 19 months ago leaving me with a 15 month old son.

Speaking from experience, it's only been 10 days, its still very fresh and barely raw for all of you right now.

Guilt is very much part of grief, but you do know that you cannot change people, sometimes love is just not enough. You had to put your children ahead of your husbands addiction. I doesn't mean that you abandoned him. You did what you had to do-then life dealt your family this.

I don't know how old your children are, but there are organisations to help you process grief as a family. If you speak to your public health nurse she should be able to help you. (assuming they are children).



I'm so sorry this happened to your family.

ziltwo

thank you very much for you kind replies; my son is almost 17 and my daughter will be 10 next week; I understand that it is very soon; but I wish it didnt hurt so much; I know it will get easier with time; but there is so many memories that keep flooding me and all the bad times have left me leaving me totally flooded.

many thanks

Doogieboogie

Ziltwo, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband almost 13 months ago; Axel Rose is right , 10 days is no time at all, you are bewildered and hurt and confused and all over the place, I imagine. I couldn't even get dressed properly at 10 days.

Guilt, IMO, is one of the most useless and destructive of emotions. It saps so much of your emotional energy, and no matter how many people tell you not to feel guilty, you still feel it. It will fade with time, please trust me on this. Your husband's addiction was not your fault, neither was his death. You did your absolute best, for him and your children, and you knew that you had to put your children first.

Time does help, it doesn't heal, but it lets you learn how to live with your loss. Be as kind to yourself as you can, now is the time for you and your children to hunker down together and start to weather the storm. Be in no rush, don't worry that you aren't going at a pace that others think is appropriate, don't worry that you aren't greiving 'properly' - it will come, in it's own time.

I'm sorry that this has happened. Take care x

LegacyUser

ziltwo wrote: »

Hi all, after reading a lot of your stories and feel, maybe if I write something down, it may take away the pain I have in my heart at the moment. I lost my Husband 10 days ago; the family are devastated. I was separated from my husband and we have two beautiful kids. I tried so hard to keep the family together but his addiction got two much for him to cope with his life and his family. the kids found it hard when he left home, but I always gave them hope that there dad may get better. Now he is dead and it has left me with so much guilt, and all the what ifs and of course all the happy memories are over-coming me. I no that we all have to grieve and that each day it will get easier. My Daughter is in huge denial and my son is trying to cope the best way he can.
thanks
zil

Ziltwo,

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You've been through an awful lot, and it shows that you are a good person in the way that you talk about the happy memories and the hope that the kids dad would get better. I too have someone close to me with addiction issues and after 5 long years of supporting that person, I have had to cut contact for reasons I won't go in to.

You can't let the guilt eat you up, in cases like this it really is down to how the addicted person behaves and only that can really change the situation. You can't go over the what ifs. I recall once calling gamblers anonymous and the advice they gave was the change had to come from the addicted person and this couldn't be forced by others.

You have to think of yourself and your kids now. You have to look after yourself and your kids now. I am so sorry for you and the heartache you have.

Think of the good times and the memories and remember your husband in that way.

Be kind to yourself, I'm sure he would want that for you. Take support from family and friends and don't be nervous about asking for it, I'm sure people close to you will want to help you.

ziltwo

unregistered wrote: »

Ziltwo,

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You've been through an awful lot, and it shows that you are a good person in the way that you talk about the happy memories and the hope that the kids dad would get better. I too have someone close to me with addiction issues and after 5 long years of supporting that person, I have had to cut contact for reasons I won't go in to.

You can't let the guilt eat you up, in cases like this it really is down to how the addicted person behaves and only that can really change the situation. You can't go over the what ifs. I recall once calling gamblers anonymous and the advice they gave was the change had to come from the addicted person and this couldn't be forced by others.

You have to think of yourself and your kids now. You have to look after yourself and your kids now. I am so sorry for you and the heartache you have.

Think of the good times and the memories and remember your husband in that way.

Be kind to yourself, I'm sure he would want that for you. Take support from family and friends and don't be nervous about asking for it, I'm sure people close to you will want to help you.

Thank you all for your kind replies; the kids are doing better than me... I just can't believe that he is dead. He had so much to live for; I do talk to him now and ask him to look after his children; I no it is still very early days because my heart still aches and my chest is so heavy. Just wish that it could have been different. I have a wonderful family and great support.
thanks again xx

IamtheWalrus

Sorry to hear about your loss ziltwo. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're right, it will get easier.