In love with two women and expecting child

nsane

Hmmm… I’ve been all over the net on this, and told some of my good friends and a family member.. but honestly I’m torn in two!
Some say it is impossible to love two people but that’s not what I’m experiencing.
The story…
I met my wife more than 10 years ago, at the time we were both teenagers. We went through a lot together, but gradually drifted apart. About 6 months ago she initiated a split and I left our house, I travelled to India on business, and met a european girl working out there. We became close. So close, that within two months she moved to Ireland to be with me, there was endless hours of skype etc. before that, and honestly, in my thirties I had abandoned any concept of love, being in a “tolerating” relationship for years, but this girl, well we connect on so many levels, work, interests, hobbies… everything!
Shortly after she arrived over I was contacted by my Ex to say she was pregnant. Although a loveless relationship, we did infrequently have sex, like maybe 3-4 times a year in the past few years.
Anyway, this really started wrecking my head, and she asked that we see a mediator / counsellor to see how we would deal with this new situation, she didn’t / doesn’t know that I am seeing someone else. So wanting to be there for my child, I went along to try to form some sort of working relationship with my ex.
Anyway…. Xmas I visited my girlfriends parents, my ex had moved out of our house and in with her father as the pregnancy was difficult.
In the end of January, I went up to the house and dealt with some repairs, there I walked in and my ex and I spent some time talking, after all the councelling maybe I guess I started to remember how it used to be. This really messed with my head.
Not ever having envisaged being a man who would walk out on his kid, I after some talks with friends resolved to end my relationship with my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart, in order to have space to get my head straight.
I left her in late January, well tried to I guess? My ex had been suffering from depression and in early February I started to stay over ina spare room, helping her out, but growing close again? Both of us consumed with the future child.
A couple of weeks after breaking up with my girlfriend I helped her move place, and one thing led to another… I feel that I cant really live without her.
So now I’m in the hell of all hells, interacting frequently with my ex, feeling the impact of becoming a Dad, unknown to my girlfriend, same time spending time with my girlfriend unknown to my ex.
I tried to kid myself saying what I was doing was trying to have a working relationship with the mother of my child, but I do love her, nothing physical, and we don’t share a lot in common except time and understanding which although two words is a hell of a lot!
My girlfriend is a truly beautiful person, with out all this complication I would have no hesitation in spending my life with her.
In other words, despite what I have read elsewhere, I now KNOW that it is possible to love two women, kinda wish I was in a society where that was possible! I know its selfish, but I cant deny the feelings. Added to this both women are the same age, and body clocks and all come into it! Obviously I feel I’m messing them both around. Right now I stay with friends and a family member who know what I’m doing, and they have told me that I need time alone if I’m ever going to figure all this out. But with a kid on the way time is not on my side. It amazed me that these friends were not surprised when I left my ex first, they all thought that relationship was bad, but since all of this she has not changed but returned to the person I loved / love?
So I’m thinking both relationships are basically in a honeymoon period in effect? Although one has years of history, and the other well after 7 months, it’s a long honeymoon period, I left thinking will I ever be able to close the door on either without always looking back with regret!
Totally lost…. Would appreciate all opinions!

Abi

To be fair to both of these women you're going to have to make your mind up and fast. I think that if the baby wasn't in the equation you would never have never considered going back to your ex. Throughout your post you don't really have many positive things to say about your ex, and speak enthusiastically about this new woman.

The fact that you will have a son or a daughter on the way is confusing you I think. You can still be part of your son / daughters life without being involved with the mother.


I could be completely way off, but the above is what I've read from your post.

metrovelvet

Contrary to what most people on this board think, love is a choice, not a feeling.

You are an ass between two haystacks.

Stop hamletting around before the choice is made for you.

LegacyUser

You need to tell your girlfriend that your going to be a father. Since your stringing her along at this point she deserves to know that. If your ex is under the impression the two of you are now a couple again you need to come clean to her about seeing someone else behind her back. Your being very selfish not allowing either of these women to make their own minds up about what they want from you based on all the information.

Your not in love with two women. You care about your ex because youve known her a long time and now shes pregnant with your child. Its pretty obvious from what youve written you wouldnt want a relationship with her if not for the pregnancy. I dont think you can have a decent relationship with whichever one you choose without being honest about the whole situation.

Peanut2011

OP,

While your commitment to be there for your child is admiring, everything else you are doing is damaging.

If you consider the reason you and your ex split up is due to you two drifting apart, than the only reason you are finding yourself in this point again is due to the child. Unfortunately that is short lived. Sooner or later you will realise the you two have nothing in common as you already pointed out, apart from the child and your relationship will take the same dive it did before.

Guess what, IT WILL BE DIFFERENT, as this time there will be a child stuck in the middle of the unhappiness. The child deserves to be loved and cherished by both parents and I am glad you are willing to be there, but starting to rekindle the relationship just because of it will not be a good thing.

Secondly, you ex does not know you are seeing someone else. What do you think she will say when she finds out? Also, what will your new GF think about you having a child with your ex?

What if she is not ready for that and by you not telling her that she will lose trust in you. After all, it takes 9months for the child and you two are 2-3 months together from what I can get. This will mean you knew this all along and never told her that.

You need to decide who you want to be with as NO1, as NO2 you have to come clean. From what I see you want to be with your GF and you should leave your past in the past. By all means be there for the child but you do not have to be there for the ex.

Oryx

I think you already know the answer to your dilemma but youre stuck because you dont want to hurt anyone, and you want a simple arrangement for parenting your child.

The first thing you need to do is be honest with both women. Right now youre lying to both of them, so neither really knows who you are.

The advice youre getting to leave both alone is the right advice. The reason you cant take it is because of your need for the emotion and your fear of losing both of them. You need to take that risk, or you may end up making a very muddled decision based on your high state of emotion now.

nsane

Thanks guys! I appreciate all your advice, its a lotto think about. BTW, my GF does know about the child, wants it in our lives and all, she doesn't know that I meet my ex as much as I do, but knows my head is in a mess over it all. I've asked for two months space, to figure out everything. My heart is broken!

Seres

it sounds like you trying to keep both women happy at your own expense , you do need to make a decision or it will all come crashing down on you , which would be a terrible pity cause it really sounds like your acting in good faith . Maybe the best approach it to explain all to your new gf as your wife seems very fagile at the moment and then when she is a bit mentally stronger tell her exactly how you feel . Best of luck !

LegacyUser

Uh sorry to highlight this but I reckon you should get a paternity test when the baby is born, to rule out that there could be another father to your ex's child.

Idealy every person on this planet i'd say would want to be a family if they have a child, but unfortunately reality sucks and sometimes it really works out for the best to be apart and co-parent.
Communicating fully with your ex about the routine you will have when the baby is here is very very important. Be friends too, it makes everything so much easier for everyone aswell.

DO NOT feel you can sleep with your ex anytime you want or everytime your relationship with your girlfriend goes rocky. It will slowly and surely turn things sour and you'll be in one big mess. Stop dilly dallying and stop being a coward and tell your ex that it's over and your with someone else, she needs to know that it's over properly.
Your ex is going to always be around as you are going to share a child together. don't abuse that.

best of luck and hope it all works out.

metrovelvet

Also - when you are pregnant you are out of this world horny and emotional and scared and all these things can combine to make you well...I dunno but tread carefully.

It makes it STINK to be dumped when pregnant. THe worst in the world. Just so you know what you are facing.

nsane

Thanks guys for those recent posts, that capture a lot of what's going on! Just now I'm in my house with my ex in a separate room. There is no chance or desire of a physical relationship in the future for sure, to reply to the post on such. But I've just taken a "walk" to go out and phone my GF. She's wanting me to be there finding it har to sleep etc. I love this girl sooooo much! And you are right I'm aware how vunerable my ex is, especially now we are weeks away from birth.
My thinking is exactly that... I'm trying to be there for my ex during this time an at least a few weeks after for recovery. My GF kinda guesses what I'm at, but hates when I spend time with my ex... I can't bring myself to tell her the extent of contact... Like I've been over to assemble cot, paint room, get pram etc etc.... And I can't help thinking about the future an my sons interpretation of all this???
Someone said it will end up the same way if I was to go back with my ex for real and I can see that. I feel like I have a real and maybe only chance of happiness withmy GF but I cannot traumatise my ex now at this stage... Your right about pregnancy... The hormones and not seeing thongs clearly.... She now thinks because I'm around that we are working things out, which isn't the case, and I feel that instead of being there to help her and show I will always be there for my kid I've given her false hope? So although we had split up, now it seems like I have to do all that again and I can't when she's like this! All the time I risk losing my GF, they say th truth sets you free, but also there's something about a woman scorned? So I don't feel I could tell either the whole story... It might bring things to a head? But I think it would simply destroy any future in truth, so guess I'm seeking the lesser of two evils...
Not to mention the financial realities of mortgages etc...

metrovelvet

Whatever you choose will not work out well. Sorry.

You are confusing your ex, hell Im confused because reading it doesnt seem like she is an ex, it seems like you are seeing two women tbh.

If you break off with your ex, she will be very mad with you as during pregnancy this is a deep rejection that doesnt heal easily. You probably will not be at the birth, she will need time to get over the relationship too.

Babies are demanding. If you choose to help out with the baby, your girlfriend will not like it because babies are incredibly time consuming and stressful. So you will piss her off too.

Oh...I forgot about the lying you are doing. This will bite you in the ass if it isnt already because you are with someone you cant be honest with and this girlfriend has no idea who she is really with, she is living with a mirage.



All in all this baby will be born into a foundation of loss and hurt because of your putzing around and stringing along two women.

Blumentopf

I'm no expert really, but everytime when people try to fix a relationship by having a baby it is more or less doomed from the start. So given that your baby is arriving after the relationship is already broken makes it even less "fixable". You say you still "love" your ex, and in a certain way you probably do. All the history, the good times, knowing the person and her family and everything that comes with it. From what you're saying it sounds like you turned more into friends than lovers over time, and it's hard to give all of this up, especially now when you are about to have something very much in common. It's scary letting something go you know so well and you're so familiar with, we all like our routines and creature comforts. I think you need to sit down and seriously think about what you're afraid of by (totally) leaving your ex. Regarding the new GF, you need to tell her everything, because once the baby is born you're not only going to be out shopping for the pram, you'll probably be pushing it around a good bit, too. And chances are your ex will not want your GF anywhere near the baby, there will be a lot of anger and jealousy going round, and she will blame your GF for your "unavailability" to her if that's what you're going to do. I think what us women all have in common is that we absolutely hate being lied to and it makes us feel that men think we're total idiots. Total honesty goes a long way and if you love your GF as much as you say, you have to come clean. Maybe the ex needs the truth in smaller doses given the circumstances, but to keep up this charade is going to make you ill and end up hurting them more than needs be.

LegacyUser

No babies involved but I spent nearly 3 years in a triangle between loyal and longterm husband & lover & I'm in your age group so maybe I can offer some insight. We also had breaks involving foreign countries... one of them was India though that's incidental.

First off, yes you can love two people & I don't think you are a bad guy. Timing sucks. Maybe this baby could have kept your marriage alive at a different time.

To share my experience... ultimately I've stayed with my husband. Partly because my guilt about my other relationship blinded me to reality of our relationship (and this is huge) and partly because the other man had been through enough and walked, and I've been left to salvage what I can at a time in my life when there is a small window of opportunity left for having babies. But my relationship with my husband is on its last legs now, or beyond that. Please understand that whatever I say is subjective but I do understand how messy things can get and what a long process it is to pick up the pieces.

One time someone suggested to me that my marriage would fall apart without the third leg of my lover. That means without the passion that the lover brings the marriage would be empty. At the time I dismissed it, but there are a lot of people in the world facing their late thirties and forties and fifties in sexless marriages of convenience. Now, if I stay in my marriage, I'm one of them. Look at the colour the new person has brought to your life, and with that comes some drama to your old relationship.... none of us like to admit that we like drama but when you're in a triangle everything is heightened and that makes both relationships & everyone involved seem extra alive - and that feeling is addictive, even if we don't like to admit it.
It was easier for me to fall back into my marriage than live my new life because nothing is as addictive as familiarity. When I say the 'lover' I mean my ex lover or myself... because the new situation brought that out in me, as I'm sure your new GF has brought you to life as well. There's a brilliant book calls 'Dark Nights of the Soul' that talks about love triangles. It's ultimate message is that no matter how messy or painful, life is leading us in ways that promote life and growth... you sound like you have found that (or found it in yourself) with your GF. The book doesn't push leaving the mrs/mr for aomeone else but it does challenge to see what life wants for/from you...

Right now, you are in turmoil and it's so, so easy to make the wrong decisions. Act in haste, regret at leisure. It's impossible to avoid hurting everyone here. I don't have kids myself (yet) but I know from friends experience (including a friend who was dumped while pregnant) that's it's a time of extreme vulnerability. You also have to remember that your GF is also a childless lady in her thirties and for most women, that hurts too, especially when you're having a baby with someone else... what I have noticed from my friends with babies (with or without men) is that they're gaining in life when they have a baby... falling in love with their baby. Your wife is a lucky woman to be having a baby at this stage is life, with or without a man... what, right now, is your GF gaining? She's prepared to take on a man with a pregnant woman... lets spare a thought for the vulnerability of her situation.

When you're in a triangle and you're the one with the choice to make, you get deluded into a false sense of ultimate responsibility pumped up by guilt. Do not underestimate these women. They are just the same as you. They will get through things. You are not gonna 'break' anyone here, no matter how it seems.

So here's my 2 cents. Go with the GF. Stop trying to be all things to all people: you can't and it's delusional egotism to think you can. Have faith in the women in your life. Your wife will fall in love with your baby - and also she may well fall in love with a new new in a year or five - don't take that from her because of an egotistical sense of responsibility/wanting to take comfort in familiarity/guilt. Please understand I'm not trying to belittle your feelings for your wife - far from it. But I know what a headache it is when you're trying to add everything up and it all just about adds up but there's one thing missing.... put it this way, when I was seeing my lover, even after nearly three years, I was like a dog wagging it's tail when I'd know I was gonna see him.... who makes you feel that way?

You may wonder why I was in that headwreck for nearly three years. It's because it's easy to get 'stuck'.. and also because other people (the other two in the triangle) are shockingly resilient when it seems like there's a 'prize' at the end of it. But us trophies loose our polish if we spend too long afraid to jump off the shelf! Meantime, it's amazing what hell good people can put other good people through... and those people will take.

There is also a very practical side to handling your emotions and committing to your choice which is going to sound harsh but it's true: you will feel close to whoever you spend time with. I recently had a pregnancy/miscarriage with my husband that made us feel incredibly close. But after that we reverted to type, as I believe we would have eventually if we'd had a baby. It would be easy for me to say maybe it would have been different if I'd never had an affair/he's never known about it, but too late. The door was opened; can't be closed.

Just my 2 cents. I wish you a great extended family x

Darthhoob

i think, in all honesty, it could be the the baby you love, not your ex? you seem to be rather confused about the way you really feel about HER, sort of contradicted yourself a few times. whereas your girlfriend...you do not seem confused about. i suspect a parge amount of guilt and worry about leaving baby without a dad comes into play here too. it's like you want to love her, but dont if you know what i mean?
whatever you chose to do...do not do it for the baby. yes two parents is ideal, but it's not exactly a requirement...as long as you two as mother and father can be civil there is no reason to think the baby will be left without a dad. you could have shared custody to some degree. ofc if you get back with the girlfriend...if she wants you back after knowing all this, that will make things kinda complicated. if you stayed with ex simply for the baby you will probably end up regreting it which is not good for you, her or baby....especially not the latter. resent could come into play.

my brother was in the same situation...only he was seeing two girls at once..at time of conception :rolleyes: course one became pregnant...with twins!! and so he chose her...simply cos he'd always wanted to be a dad i think...he was pushing 40 (she is slightly older) she lost one baby early one...she lost the other, a baby boy they named Dean, at 20 weeks ...it's horrible that that happened (they would have been my only nephew or nephew and niece so it's hard for me yet alone the two of them) and trust me, although they were on a bit of shaky ground to start with...this made things worse. they have hardly ever spoken to eachother about it. my brother especially, though he complains she doesn't. they are still together some 6 years later!! but are they happy? hell no...i don't even know why they are still together. my brother goes off on one every so often and dumps her for good, then takes her back cos he cant do being single and i think he 'settles' for her (though i'm rather of the opinion she puts herself down and settles for him)...then slags her off for being moody and quiet all the time and other disgusting comments(even at times she bloody well deserves to be, like a cancer scare she had recently)...poor lady doesn't know if she is coming or going...he never talks to her. i think he resents her so much...cos he felt he had to stay with her...ESPECIALLY after losing the baby...he's become a prize arsehole (we're not close i however think the world of her...) i mean he was a bit of one to start with, his brain may be in his pants but least his heart used to be in right place

so think carefully...do you really love the ex or just wanting to love her? dont just 'settle' cos you feel you have to due to baby. you can still be there for baby...without a possible poisonous relationship on top

btw i'm not saying the above WILL happen, it's just something i think you need to be very aware of. it's seemingly quite common i've found

course this is under the assumption that either lady will want you after they know about eachother and the baby etc.,.....