Depressed girlfriend

Spud_Monkeyy

Hi guys.
This seems like the last place my girlfriend would find a post like this so anyway here it goes..

My girlfriend suffers from depression. I know this for a fact, so there's not much point in anyone saying she's self-centred or selfish or anything along those lines. I only found out she was suffering from it last week, and it makes so much sense because of the way she acted sometimes. She'd get randomly moody and I always felt that I was to blame but she told me I'm not straight-up.

There are reasons for the depression that I'd rather not discuss on here but I will say that it is a constant, random process. School seems to be one of the main things getting her down as she tends to stress over her work a lot. (She has no need to, she's a grand student)

When she's not feeling down, she's the nicest, happiest person in the world. But when she is, it's like she's a completely different person.

I love her very much and I try to help out as much as I can but we don't live close so I can't exactly call around every time she's feeling down. I know that maybe therapy, counselling or even medication are possible options to get her out of this stint but I know that if I say anything to her about that, she'll refuse.
She says she's been dealing with it for 2 years now and that nothing can help her out of the moods when they start. This is what confuses me as the next day she'll be as right as rain.

I don't want the relationship to end by any means, I love her to bits and I only want the best for her but this situation seems to have gotten the best of me..


I'll leave it there as I can imagine people won't want to read all this.

LegacyUser

Wow, I could have written that story myself, except from the other side. I have been suffering from depression on and off for a few years now, and when things are good, they're great, but when they're bad, I take it out on everyone around me. From my personal experience, the best thing you can do is let your girlfriend know you still love her and want to be with her, and that you are there for her if she needs you. However this is something she needs to sort on her own, she should go to counselling or at least see a GP. I know talking to my boyfriend about it gave me the push I needed to get things sorted, and things have been much better since I started back getting the help I need.

Talk to your girlfriend, don't shut her out, tell her how this makes you feel. The most important thing is that you are both open about each other's feelings and that you can trust each other in that sense, that's how you will both get through this.

How long have you and your girlfriend been going out OP?

Spud_Monkeyy

dont_worry wrote: »

How long have you and your girlfriend been going out OP?

Thanks for the feedback guys. We've only been together a few months but it's recently I've discovered this and I want to get it sorted for the sake of her moreso than me, which I hope you can see.

LegacyUser

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. My boyfriend and I are together about 6 months, and it all came out after a few months together. It is a lot to take on after only a few months together, and a lot to try to take in.

Whatever you do OP, do not feel like you are responsible for her mental health and her wellbeing. As Sunflower said, it is something she has to do on her own, and people like that can be emotionally draining. Although she is going through some issues, she cannot expect you to continue in a relationship like this when she is not going to do anything about it. I know I wouldnt expect my boyfriend to do the same for me, which is why I had to go and get help. Even if she wont do it for herself (and she should, she cant enjoy being unhappy all the time, I know I didn't!) she should want to do it for you. But if you are keeping quiet about it all and just being there for her she won't do anything. You can't be a doormat either OP. Sit her down and tell her how it is affecting you, that it is driving you apart, and while you love her, you cant continue in a relationship like this as it is emotionally draining you (or whatever wording you would prefer). It may give her a boost to do something.

I know that's what worked for me anyway. I hope I've been of some help I can at least see it from the other side. I can try to give you the other perspective but I'm realistic too and don't expect my partner to put up with my mood swings.

LegacyUser

Ive been in this position and a lot of the above advice is very good, sometimes Im very impressed by some of the advice here. Im not sure if Im in a position to advise as I find it difficult to articulate and still am not sure what I should have done but you need to give her care and attention but just as much to yourself, it can be exhausting knowing that someone might be going through hell and not being able to do anything and trying everything......completely helpless. Get her to open up to someone though, maybe not yourself but she needs to talk openly without fear and get help when she needs it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I see where you are coming from.I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl who
has been down alot ever since we started going out.(Over 2 years ago)

After a long time I had to confront my girlfriend with how her condition was making me feel and the strain it puts on our relationship.Having suffered from depression myself I could see clearly the signs of it in her and the effect it was having on her confidence and self-esteem.
I've asked her to speak to someone about it but so far she has not.I feel she is scared to open up and also reluctant to reveal the true source of it.
Recently she is much improved.I've no answer for you really but plenty of sympathy.
Like yourself,I just hope she can overcome it for herself as I can see such a huge difference in her when she's good compared to the shell she becomes when it gets on top of her.
All you can do is offer love and support.But do remember that as a previous poster said:
Her mental health and well-being are not your responsibility and ultimately only she can change her situation.It seems to me alot of us spend our twenties sorting this stuff out.
It takes time and the will to change.
Rambling now,sorry,I hope something I said helps or is of comfort.
Good luck

G86

I have immense sympathy for your girlfriend, but I have just as much for you, because it's not an easy situation to be in. It's not easy loving someone who can't always love you back.

She needs to get help if your relationship is going to work out, because it's not fair on you to have that responsibility alone. I realise that you love her, and I know how you feel, but you can't have a relationship with someone who's emotionally unavailable - and when she's depressed that's exactly what she is. The problem is that sometimes the 'ups' can be misleading and seem amazing when you're with someone suffering like this, because the 'downs' are so bloody bad that you're thankful for any day that's even half normal.

She needs to have support systems in place to enable her to deal with this disease, and yes that can include your support, but it should only be one part of it.

IpreDictDeatH

Well i know you said you are sure it is depression, but id investigate that more first of all. You said it is random but constant moodyness. Sounds like it could be bad PMS. Trust me, im with a woman who has very very bad PMS, to the point were we had to go to the doctor and get it sorted. Before we just thought she was depressed or crazy or something. But there is a reasn and a solution for everything. If its depression, she can get a tablet to solve it, and also if its bad PMS she can do likewise. Id try and document when these random but constant episodes happen, try find a pattern. Then VISIT A DOCTOR. It wont go away itself. If she wont try and help herself, then id walk. But dont give up on her just yet. It could all be solved after a quick visit to a doctor, and you'se be back to your happy normal self.