When a child takes hours to eat

johngalway

An unhelpful comment I received earlier prompted me to post this. Goes against my better judgment posting it tbh.

My girlfriend has a 6 year old girl. Consistent direly slow eater at every meal save for honey roast ham - which she'll eat (we think as it's a little salty), but won't eat what's with it if she can get away with it. She will bitterly complain about each meal and often take hours to finish. She has thrown food in the bin behind our backs. Receives lunch at school on school days, almost never eats it.

Dinner is the biggest problem. Examples:
Shepards pie, Coq au vin, beef stew, roast chicken, honey roast ham, home made burgers, fish & chips. Accompanied usually by mash & veg.

We're both able to put together decent food, so it's not tasteless or offensive. Herself and her brother (8) don't get adult sized portions, not sure how to describe the difference really.

This has been a problem for some time and I'm unsure how to resolve it. We've tried bribery (treats after dinner) , we've tried tricks (certain food make your hair grow shinier etc.), we've tried "no TV/play/dance class if you don't eat".

She'll eat junk until it comes out her ears if she's let, but seems to despise tasty decent food

She's not unhealthy, she is happy, and does well at school and has progressed from me reading her a story to her reading me one But, the food thing, and the comment I got today :mad:

Thoughts, ideas? (helpful ones please)

ATB,

John

Edited to ad:
She has developed an arsenal of delaying tactics:
I'm tired, I'm itchy, I need to stretch, My chin hurts, My tooth hurts, I'm sick. 99% of the times we hear these phrases, she's sat at the dinner table. It's also the same story the very odd time we might go to McDonalds etc. But, will polish off popcorn, chocolate, junk at the cinema.

mike65

How old? you left out a number methinks.

johngalway

mike65 wrote: »

How old? you left out a number methinks.

Thanks Mike, I did indeed She's 6.

Lucyfur

Personally, I wouldn't push it. Don't make a big deal out of her eating/not eating and soon she should see it as something everyone does, 3 times a day, instead of seeing it as a time where you may get a little frustrated at her not eating.

I know it can be worrying but try not to worry, especially if she's happy and healthy. My 9 year old never ate and now demolishes whatever I put in front of him:)

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps she's not a meal eater? I have a grazer and he's now six and only just started eating meals but prior to that we had horrendous issues trying to get him to eat a meal - same excuses, same thing about eating junk but not wanting a decent meal. So we took meals off the menu for a while - we left bowls of crackers, fruit, nuts, etc...regularly offered home-made garlic bread and home-made nuggets or home-made sausage rolls or the like and he just grazed through-out the day and ate far more than us trying to jam a dinner into him with far less stress.

I think it's important to remember that barring medical conditions it would be highly unusual for a child to let themselves starve. I remember reading somewhere that the only things kids have any degree of control over is their eating habits, sleeping habits and toileting - and that's why those are the most common issues parents have with kids...it's about control. Take a battle of wills out of the equation for a while and see if that helps matters?

Does she help cook at all? My wee man has yet to turn his nose up at a dinner he prepared and cooked himself. We now let him help choose the weeks meals, write the shopping list, help with the shopping and help prepare and cook some of the meals. Not sure if you'll have the same result but once it stopped being something he could hold over us and control our behaviour and get attention from - it ceased to be an issue.

All the best! :cool:

namurt

I used to do the stretching thing when I was young. If I wanted to finish I'd start stretching. I wasn't a fussy eater but I used to get bored eating too much of the one thing e.g. omlette was all the one thing so I wouldn't each much of it but if I had it with something else I'd be fine.

I also used to say I was full if everyone else was finished eating because I didn't want to be still sitting there eating when everyone else was finished.

I only started eating normal portions when I grew up and moved out. Even then it used to take me ages to eat but because there was no-one else there I'd keep at it. Now people wonder how I manage to eat so much without putting on weight.

Basically, I don't really have any advice, but I turned out ok so maybe just try not to make an issue of it. Also, maybe you could try to give smaller portions than you think you should and keep a bit back so if she wants more either then or later in the evening it's there.

Moonbeam

I wouldn't push it.
Feed her if she doesn't eat it then keep her at the table until everyone is finished then let her go but do not give her snacks or desert unless she eats it or most of it.
If she comes back hungry later on then have it waiting for her in the fridge unless itis something she genuinely does not like.

littlebug

My 6 year old is a grazer and ridiculously fussy. 8 year old on the other hand will eat anything that's in front of her and will wolf down huge dinners. I go through phases of worrying about him but he's healthy, happy, good at school etc. We don't make a fuss, I think you can do more harm than good by focusing too much on it. Food is something to be enjoyed, not struggled with, so we let him enjoy what he likes (within reason of course) and though we always offer him the other foods when we're eating them, we don't push it. Every so often he'll just decide he likes something new. I think having lots of chat and fun at the table without it all being focused on the child finishing their food also helps... sometimes he'll keep eating almost unknown to himself when we're generally having good banter!

Don't mind what anyone says to you, as long as the child has access to good food and it isn't being replaced by junk then she's ok.

Fittle

This has very little to do with food johngalway, and everything to do with control and attention.
Kids try to control their lives in whatever way they can. In your girlfriends daughters life, it's controlling the attention she gets from her mum and you, through food/eating habits.

They all do it, in various degrees. Children strive for attention in any, and every aspect of their lives. Hey, even negative attention is attention right? (I am assuming there are some squabbles at the dinner table).

I posted here recently about a problem my son was having falling asleep night after night (for years!). He would shout down the stairs to me for hours, and could not, for the life of him, fall to sleep unless I had also gone to bed.

Slowly, I began to realise that he was indeed, trying to control me, in a very subconscious way. Once I took back the control, ignored his shouting down the stairs, praised him to high heaven, took the advice from fellow boardsies etc etc, it changed. And here I am, at ten past ten on a monday night with a child who's asleep since 9pm:D:D

So I won't try to tell you and your girlfriend what you need to do, because you already know it - if she eats junk, she doesn't have a problem with food. She eats junk because she eventually is given junk because she isn't eating the stuff that's good for her (I'm not condemning, we all do it).

Consistency and perseverance are the keys to creating good food habits for her. At 6, she's still young enough for you to create a whole new routine around mealtimes for her...you give her the same length of time as the rest of the family to eat her breakfast/dinner and tea. If the plate's not empty, it gets taken away and she doesn't get junk in between.

Best of luck OP - there is nothing worse than constant stress at mealtimes.

johngalway

Lots of food for thought there guys, I appreciate the constructive, helpful, and insightful comments I was wary of posting on this issue concerned I may have received a slating I'm appreciative that I haven't!

I'll read it all again and talk it all over with herself

RichMc70

Hello John,

Have had similar problems myself in the past with my 6yr old girl.

From my perspective it eventually worked itself out. Once in a blue moon it crops up again but not enough to call it an 'issue'. Rather than bribery with treats or banning tv etc. I just made it clear there would be no junk food 'ever again' unless she would eat the healthy foods.

The meals you mentioned seem reasonable every day type food to most and far better than feeding them chicken nuggets and chips every day. Her brother doesn't seem to have a bother with the same complaints so I'd guess it's not the food that's the problem. It is frustrating at the time, but stick with it and I'm sure you'll get there eventually.

Best of luck

pickarooney

I have one of these as well. Takes an hour to eat a meal and then only under duress, unless he feels like eating and then he'll gobble down the very thing he "doesn't like" on other days. It's really hard to just let him not eat as he's underweight and it's hard to see him so skinny. The worst thing is I was exactly the same when I was a kid and I feel like a real hypocrite when telling him the downsides to not eating.

I'm a bit curious to know what comment you mean, OP, and why you expected a slating?

paperclip2

My 4 year old boy was exactly the same and it drove me demented.He's always been a fussy eater, even as a baby he had to be syringe fed as he wouldn't take enough by breast or bottle.
A couple of weeks ago I heard a paediatric dietician on the radio. She advocated putting a time limit on childrens eating, 30 mins for a meal and 15 for a snack. When the time elapses take away the food and don't engage with whining or bargaining and don't allow any other food till the next meal.
I've been doing this ever since and its really improved my boys eating. Yes it was tough at first and there were lots of tears but its really been worth it.

pickarooney

Does anyone else get this at 4 AM

"I'm hungry!"

stimpson

Fittle wrote: »

This has very little to do with food johngalway, and everything to do with control and attention.
Kids try to control their lives in whatever way they can. In your girlfriends daughters life, it's controlling the attention she gets from her mum and you, through food/eating habits.

They all do it, in various degrees. Children strive for attention in any, and every aspect of their lives. Hey, even negative attention is attention right? (I am assuming there are some squabbles at the dinner table).

I posted here recently about a problem my son was having falling asleep night after night (for years!). He would shout down the stairs to me for hours, and could not, for the life of him, fall to sleep unless I had also gone to bed.

Slowly, I began to realise that he was indeed, trying to control me, in a very subconscious way. Once I took back the control, ignored his shouting down the stairs, praised him to high heaven, took the advice from fellow boardsies etc etc, it changed. And here I am, at ten past ten on a monday night with a child who's asleep since 9pm:D:D

So I won't try to tell you and your girlfriend what you need to do, because you already know it - if she eats junk, she doesn't have a problem with food. She eats junk because she eventually is given junk because she isn't eating the stuff that's good for her (I'm not condemning, we all do it).

Consistency and perseverance are the keys to creating good food habits for her. At 6, she's still young enough for you to create a whole new routine around mealtimes for her...you give her the same length of time as the rest of the family to eat her breakfast/dinner and tea. If the plate's not empty, it gets taken away and she doesn't get junk in between.

Best of luck OP - there is nothing worse than constant stress at mealtimes.

+1 to this post.

We haven't had any food issues with our little man and I put it down to consciously not making an issue over meal times. He has always been given good variety of things to try. He doesn't always like things first (or second or third) time, but that's OK and the same thing appears on his plate a few days later and he gets used to the taste of things at his own pace. Anything he doesn't finish is taken away without any fuss. And we never made a big deal about him making a mess while eating - it's all part of the fun.

As with all things related to raising children, our attitude is: Make a big fuss when he's good, ignore it when he not. Practical things work really well. Like making a chart and giving her a star when she finishes a meal, with a treat when she gets X number of stars.

All that's required is a bit of patience and consistency. Best of luck.

Mr. Presentable

My daughter was like that too, and can still be on occasion. Making a fuss about it only upsets everybody and won't help. So long as she is getting enough food - and that can vary greatly from child to child - she's OK.

I'd stop going to MacDonalds and reduce the snack foods to near none.

One other thing that might be pertinent - is the TV on in the room during meals?

CrazyRabbit

I was a terrible meal eater as well when younger. I still only eat small meals today. I've always preferred snacking, but most snack foods are junk, so it's always been a struggle.

I'd suggest cutting out the snacks altogether, reducing the food portions, and let the girl have more input into what food is bought/made.

tinkerbell

I'm not a parent myself but I think that you should have a no-junk-food policy in your home. If she's happy enough eating junk food, then she'll fill up on that and so won't be bothered eating her dinner. If she's got no junk food to eat, well she'll be hungry then so she'll eat her dinner, no?

amiable

tinkerbell wrote: »

I'm not a parent myself but I think that you should have a no-junk-food policy in your home. If she's happy enough eating junk food, then she'll fill up on that and so won't be bothered eating her dinner. If she's got no junk food to eat, well she'll be hungry then so she'll eat her dinner, no?

If only it were that easy.
I'm not putting you down but its not always black and white.
If you are lucky enough to be a parent sometime you'll find that out.

Kildrought

Fittle is spot on, it's about control.

You need to stop the bribes/threats etc., etc., as you've found it doesn't work anyway.

You can easily give your child(ren) control and choice over what they eat, but it's about choosing between what's on the table for dinner - not between the entire contents of the fridge/freezer/cupboards.

So serve the meal in separate dishes on the table and let the children help themselves to what they want. Then it's quite simple

a. what's on the table is what is for dinner & nothing else
b. take as much or as little of anything you want
c. anything you put on your plate must be eaten (so take a small amount first!)

So for example, tonights dinner is pasta with meat sauce, grated cheese for topping and some bread rolls. Each item is on the table in a separate dish.

One person can have pasta with cheese, another pasta with meat sauce and another could make a cheese sandwich if they wanted. Everyone is choosing their own food, everyone is eating, everyone is happy and there's only one meal being cooked.

If your child doesn't want to eat anything on offer - she can leave the table, but there's nothing to eat till the next meal time! This is probably the hardest bit so box clever for the first while and make sure to include at least one thing that you know is popular but still a healthy choice.

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

If your child doesn't want to eat anything on offer - she can leave the table, but there's nothing to eat till the next meal time! This is probably the hardest bit so box clever for the first while and make sure to include at least one thing that you know is popular but still a healthy choice.

That's all well and good but what if that doesn't bother the child?
What if the child is quite happy to eat nothing at all?

Kildrought

What if the child is quite happy to eat nothing at all?

An otherwise healthy child will not starve.

pickarooney

Kildrought wrote: »

An otherwise healthy child will not starve.

Perhaps not to death, but he/she will lose weight and it's extremely difficult for a parent to watch a child waste away.

metrovelvet

My solution to this is not everybody's but I vowed not to turn eating into a battlefield because eating should be a pleasure.

I cook one dish for both of us. He eats it or he doesnt. If I am making something spicy or something that I cant expect him to like to eat, I will make an alernattive for him,

When he was 2-3 I left the dish on the table for him to graze later. I dont do that now that he is a bit older. It goes in the bin.

But I also do a light supper, snack a bit before bedtime, even if its a bowl of cereal or some custard, something I know he will eat so that he sleeps well and if he sleeps well, I sleep well and we are all around a lot happier.

Forcing someone to eat is like forcing them to have sex imo. It should be a pleasure not a power struggle.

Is it any wonder so many of us have food issues?

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

An otherwise healthy child will not starve.

Are you sure about that?
I know a child psychologist who says different.
He says a stubborn enough headstrong healthy child will starve to get what they want sometimes.

Kildrought

he/she will lose weight and it's extremely difficult for a parent to watch a child waste away

The only case where I have known this to happen (and this is only based on my personal experience) the child in question had 'borderline' autism.

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

The only case where I have known this to happen (and this is only based on my personal experience) the child in question had 'borderline' autism.

Well that's your experience and i've known it to happen to a child with zero mental issues

Fittle

Kildrought wrote: »

The only case where I have known this to happen (and this is only based on my personal experience) the child in question had 'borderline' autism.

I was just about to comment on your theory that an otherwise healthy child won't starve Kildrought.

I've a friend with a 10yr old who eats plain pasta, morning, noon and night. That's all he'll eat. Oh, and Mcdonalds:rolleyes:

Back in the day when she was bringing him to any and every doctor in Dublin, one of them mentioned that he could be on one of the autism spectrums...my friend didn't pursue this any further because she didn't want him 'labelled' (which I think was silly, but that's a whole other thread).

So she goes through stages with him still, of denying him his bowl of plain pasta and he will not eat...he went for almost 3 days with nothing but water last year...until she caved and went back to his plain pasta for breakfast.

It's the weirdest scenario I've ever seen but even in school, the child brings a container of pasta for lunch. He is technically 'healthy' as she gets him checked regularly...but he is pasty faced, lethargic and in constant bad form.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention that a child can possibly go into ill-health when they don't eat, but in this instance, there is an underlying problem.

Wantobe

Our four year old ( nearly five) is a terribly slow eater too. She's not especially fussy about WHAT she eats, just very, very slow. I blame my mother-in-law's genes as she is the slowest eater in the known universe. :P

Nearly every meal time she has to go to the toilet as soon as she sits down, talks non stop and takes tiny, tiny bites. I was getting a bit frustrated as she was taking so long it was getting late, near bedtime etc. So I changed the dinner time to half an hour earlier. A very simple change, but it now means I'm not watching the clock, and we can all sit down and chat while she finishes hers. It was harder at first because I needed to preplan the dinners a bit more so that I could start to cook straight away after coming in the door but it works for us. Now meal times are actually a nice time when we can all sit down and linger and chat.

Kildrought

child with zero mental issues

I know I'm not qualified to make that assessment about anyone, are you?

But again, it comes back to control and if an (otherwise healthy) child is desperately trying to wrest control by this behaviour it points to another family dynamic going on, and that's a different kettle of fish.

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

I know I'm not qualified to make that assessment about anyone, are you?

But again, it comes back to control and if an (otherwise healthy) child is desperately trying to wrest control by this behaviour it points to another family dynamic going on, and that's a different kettle of fish.

And the professional child psychologist dismissed that too.
As you said you are not qualified but the profession i spoke to is

Kildrought

"Doctors differ, patients die!":)

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

"Doctors differ, patients die!":)

What's that supposed to mean?

Kildrought

It's an expression: two guaranteed facts if you like

doctors differ - i.e. disagree on diagnosis/treatment/cause
patients die - self explanatory I think?

pickarooney

Kildrought wrote: »

The only case where I have known this to happen (and this is only based on my personal experience) the child in question had 'borderline' autism.

In the two cases I know of, neither child has/had autism. Maybe 'waste away' is not a good description, but when a child hasn't gained a gram in 12 months despite growing over 10cm I don't know what is.

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

It's an expression: two guaranteed facts if you like

doctors differ - i.e. disagree on diagnosis/treatment/cause
patients die - self explanatory I think?

So the other doctor is?

The child in question i've been talking about has seen several doctors and there was no mental issues.
All came to the same conclusion.
Maybe its time to accept you were wrong with what you said that no healthy child will starve themself.
The child was also assessed for autism so its not like people are in denial and afraid to think it may be a mental issue.

Kildrought

Oh dear me.

You don't have to keep battering to prove yourself right or anyone else wrong you know!

It's rather like the 'rules' of spelling - 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' and a bright child promptly points out the word science contradicts the rule. They are quite correct, but that doesn't negate the usefulness of the rule!

amiable

Kildrought wrote: »

Oh dear me.

You don't have to keep battering to prove yourself right or anyone else wrong you know!

It's rather like the 'rules' of spelling - 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' and a bright child promptly points out the word science contradicts the rule. They are quite correct, but that doesn't negate the usefulness of the rule!

I haven't battered anything.

You just mentioned something factually incorrect and have failed to acknowledge it because it seems you think you are still right.
Fair enough. Go on and think i battered you. Not much help to the OP.


OP may i suggest a visit to your GP and your district health nurse.
It doesn't mean your partners little girl is nuts, it just may mean you and your partner get some advice and help.
Things have a habit of getting out of hand.
Childhood is very short and none of us want to see it passing by our little ones with us getting annoyed over what should be a normal every day thing.

Best of Luck OP

January

Kildrought and amiable, please take the bickering to PM and stop pulling the thread off topic.

James Jones

Make her hungry!!!

Next time you want to feed her, bring her for a swim or a big long walk on a beach or just go to a playground for an hour AT DINNER TIME so when you she gets home shes starving. If you normally have dinner at 1 o'clock, then take her off when you would normally be sitting down to dinner. If you have her active for a couple of hours, when she would normally be eating, she will likely be starving by the time she gets home. Important not to even mention the meal or eating or anything connected to food.
When you get home and start preparing dinner, that will help her hunger. It only has to work ONCE for you to realize that she will eat.

It worked for me by accident!(bad planning)