3yr old meeting Dad ... Help !!

greengirl31

Hey Folks,

I'll try to keep it brief cause time is of the essence ...

My Ex left before our DD was born but he's had little or no contact since she was born - his choice not mine. She's 3 now and he hasn't seen her since she was 18 mths. She started asking questions in the last few weeks so I asked him if he'd see her just as a one off - cause I know he has no interest in being part of her life and as much as I know it's not right, it suits me just fine(this issue is a whole other thread). Anyway, weekends don't suit him but I called his bluff and said I was on a half day on Wednesday if he wanted co see her then. I really wasn't expecting it but he's said yes !!
No part of me is terrified that he'll let her down and cancel at the last minute but at the same time, I can't just spring Daddy on my DD so my question is how do I prepare her - Do I just mention it casually that we may go to see daddy later or do I sit her down for a more in depth chat ... So far, I've answered the questions she's asked - Do I have a daddy - yes, where is he - Down the country. I hope this isn't opening a whole can of worms !! Any tips or constructive advise would be very welcome

Thanks

A

metrovelvet

I faced this at two and a half. I consulted the GP and a child psychologist about it.

What they said is that it is a huge deal to prepare a three year old for this [they said this after I decided not to warn him for the reason that I was afraid he wouldnt show up or that something would happen that would make it not happen]. They said show pictures and prepare in advance as much as you can. Also prepare her for the fact that he is just coming to meet her so she can see what he is like but he is not going to be in your lives like a regular daddy so that she knows this wont happen again.

When he comes to visit, take a picture so that she has something to look back on for the day she met her father. She will probably forget him as time goes on, but she might want to go back to it.

Hope that helps.

Fittle

Can I ask why you asked him to meet your child for one day, as opposed to asking him to develop some type of relationship with your child?

I cannot fathom how meeting her father for one day will have ANY benefit for your child.

I would imagine that there's a part of you that hopes that when he does see her, he will love her as much as you do. Be prepared that this probably won't happen OP.

My child (boy) met his dad for 2 hours when he was almost 4. A judge had 'advised' his dad to develop a relationship with his son at a maintenance hearing and he agreed to a date and a time to meet him.

He spent two hours with his hands in his pockets, practically ignoring his son while he yelled 'daddy, daddy...look at me on the swings' etc. It was heartbreaking for me to watch, but even more heartbreaking was the fact that after that meeting, he choose not to meet his son again.

To this day, my son has a vague memory of a man who had little interest in him in a playground..a man who stood with his hands in his pockets and ignored him. Now, as an older child, he says he reckons his dad was just a bore and lazy. Foolishly, I 'prepared' my son for this meeting, also on the advise of a professional.

And I regret that 100%, because my son realised that his dad wanted nothing to do with him after that. Had I not told him this man was his dad, he would have been no wiser. It doesn't seem to have had a detremental affect him though, thankfully.

Your child is still quite young OP, and I doubt will be hugely affected in her life if her dad only meets her the once. But please be realistic, with yourself if no one else, about your expectations from this meeting for one day.

MagicMarker

Massive mistake, if this is just a once off then just forget about it tbh. I really fail to see the point.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

Can I ask why you asked him to meet your child for one day, as opposed to asking him to develop some type of relationship with your child?

I cannot fathom how meeting her father for one day will have ANY benefit for your child.

I would imagine that there's a part of you that hopes that when he does see her, he will love her as much as you do. Be prepared that this probably won't happen OP.

My child (boy) met his dad for 2 hours when he was almost 4. A judge had 'advised' his dad to develop a relationship with his son at a maintenance hearing and he agreed to a date and a time to meet him.

He spent two hours with his hands in his pockets, practically ignoring his son while he yelled 'daddy, daddy...look at me on the swings' etc. It was heartbreaking for me to watch, but even more heartbreaking was the fact that after that meeting, he choose not to meet his son again.

To this day, my son has a vague memory of a man who had little interest in him in a playground..a man who stood with his hands in his pockets and ignored him. Now, as an older child, he says he reckons his dad was just a bore and lazy. Foolishly, I 'prepared' my son for this meeting, also on the advise of a professional.

And I regret that 100%, because my son realised that his dad wanted nothing to do with him after that. Had I not told him this man was his dad, he would have been no wiser. It doesn't seem to have had a detremental affect him though, thankfully.

Your child is still quite young OP, and I doubt will be hugely affected in her life if her dad only meets her the once. But please be realistic, with yourself if no one else, about your expectations from this meeting for one day.

Fittle,

You did not make a mistake. You gave your son the chance to make up his own mind about his father. And he did.

I know one visit seems worse than nothing. But it is better than a lifetime of ambivalent peek a booing fathering.

Your son knows what his dad looks like and was able to see for himself what his dad was.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Fittle,

You did not make a mistake. You gave your son the chance to make up his own mind about his father. And he did.

I know one visit seems worse than nothing. But it is better than a lifetime of ambivalent peek a booing fathering.

Your son knows what his dad looks like and was able to see for himself what his dad was.

With respect Metro, as far as I'm concerned it was a mistake.

I should have allowed them to meet, yes, but without my child knowing who he was. Then when he walked away, I'd have saved the boy 6 months of questioning about when he was going to meet his daddy again:(

Anyway, it's in the past now and as I said, he hasn't suffered for it.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

With respect Metro, as far as I'm concerned it was a mistake.

I should have allowed them to meet, yes, but without my child knowing who he was. Then when he walked away, I'd have saved the boy 6 months of questioning about when he was going to meet his daddy again:(

Anyway, it's in the past now and as I said, he hasn't suffered for it.

Sorry but you did the right thing not lying to him. You cant lie to kids, they know when you are doing it and they wont like you for it. So you did do the right thing even if you have some regrets about it now. You had to try, and it didnt work out, but you had to try.

IF the child asks when s/he will see the father again, you tell them the truth, which is never.

Even if you did not introduce them he would have been wondering that anyway, a day would not have gone by without him thinking about it, but he got to see for himself who his father is. THe worst has to be the wondering.

sparky89

Hi

I am a 21 year old girl and my pairent split up when i was about 4 and i didnt see my dad for 4 or more years
It was never explained to me as a child where my dad was and when would i see him and it left me very confused as a child

I started to see my father again and the age of 9 and he was a strainger to me and it took me a very long time to get used to him again and i stayed with him every odd weekend
my relationship isnt great with my father i now see him about 4 times a year thats with me making the effort

So my advise to you is, make sure your child knows about her dad and where he is and sit down with him/her and explain why mammy and daddy dont live together and why he has been away for a long time.
because it was not explained to me correctly as a child in my teenage years it affected me and i became very resentful
atleast if he doesnt bother and lets your child down your child will grow up knowing that you always made an effort to explain about her father and ye will have a much better relationship

Hope this helps and good luck

metrovelvet

^ In relation to this I think the father should explain to the child why he is not in his/her life.

Kids start thinking very young that it's their fault.

spurious

metrovelvet wrote: »

^ In relation to this I think the father should explain to the child why he is not in his/her life.

Kids start thinking very young that it's their fault.

+1
Make sure that if he does choose not to see her again that she knows and understands it is not because of anything she did or said. Try as far as possible to not rubbish him either if this is what happens. She'll make up her own mind later on.

Fittle

I've explained to my son from as soon as he was old enough to understand, that his dad didn't want to be a dad when i was pregnant. That he doesn't know him, and that it's not HIS dad he doesn't want to be. But that if he knew him, he would love him as much as I do.

I haven't yet told him about his dads 3yr old son (my lad is 9) and current partner...have no clue when I'll tell him about that one:(

greengirl31

Thank you for all the replies ...

I think there is no right and wrong answer here ... wether she sees him or not there's always going to be a downside to any scenario that could arise because her dad is not going to be a full time dad and there's no changing that ....
the reason I asked him to see her was because she's mentioning him alot of late - Like where's my daddy, what's his name etc. I've answered the questions she's asked honestly but without going into too much detail. I've shown her a couple of photos but I thought meeting him might satisfy her curiosity.
From a purely selfish point of view, I'm glad he has nothing to do with her cause it means I don't have to see him and I know that sooner or later he'll let her down. Visions of him being smitten by his long lost daughter are well and truely gone ....
As it turns out - the meet is not going ahead. I told him that prepare my little girl and once I told her that there was no going back. So he came back and said that he wasn't sure if he could arrange cover for work so best not to mention it just in case ...So problem solved - or postponed for the time being anyway ...

Fittle

You couldn't possibly have hoped to satisfy a 3yr olds curiosity by one visit.

This was more about your own curiosity OP as far as I can see. You really need to seperate how/what you feel about this guy, from how you hope he interacts with your child.

Look, we all want our children to have loving fathers in their lives. But to ask him to see her just the once, knowing full well that he might back out. And then to 'threaten' him with you preparing her...which in your own words 'once I told her, there was no going back' just isn't putting your child first in my opinion.. That really is nothing to do with what your child needs at all. For whatever reason, you almost dangled a chocolate bar in front of her, and then took it away.

I hope you haven't already prepared her.

metrovelvet

I did it for my son's curiosity. Seriously, that is the only reason I agreed to it. I knew a relationship was not going to be formed for many reasons but that is why I did it. So I get where the OP is coming from, but maybe she should not have said anything to the child yet. Mistakes get made. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown as you know.

Was it a mistake? Maybe. It openned up a can of worms but not the ones you might think, the worms didnt come from the child wanting more worms.

Fittle

Metro, none of us can feel our kids 'curiosity' no more than we can feel our children's 'pain' at the rejection of another parent. We can feel our own pain and fulfill our own curiosity, but not a 2.5yr olds. At 2.5, there's no way your childs curiosity could have been fulfilled by meeting his dad - think about it. At this young age, to ask a father to meet his child ONE TIME (I'm talking about the OP here), would do nothing other than to fulfill the other parents curiosity.

I did it because a judge 'advised' it. Having said that, the door will always be open but not if it for was one visit. That would be in nobody's best interests - not the childs specifically. And certainly not the mother or the father.

metrovelvet

Maybe not Fittle and you are probably right, but at the time that is what I was doing. I still think you should meet your father at least once if you can. THe worse is wondering if you have one and what they look like, so I dont think it was the wrong thing to do, although in these situations there is no right thing to do, because the circumstances are so compromised whatever you do will be wrong.

Fittle

But surely to ask your child father to meet her ONCE, is wrong? It serves no purpose for the 3yr old child whatsoever?

greengirl31

Fittle from reading your post to this thread I can see that your experiance with your sons dad wasn't a good one which is a shame for your little boy but like you said you love him enough foe mammy and daddy so he's a lucky boy But for what it's worth I think you did the right thing despite the fact that you feel you should have done things differently.
However, what I will say is this ... Every child is different. my daughter isn't asking about her dad all the time but often enough for me to want to do something to perhaps answer some of her questions. I know meeting her dad isn't the right thing to do but I also know that not trying to satisfy her curiosity is wrong also, as would lying to her be. Like I said, there's a downside to every scenario you can think of here ....
And yes I have separated my feelings for my ex to that of my Daughters. I know exactly what he is like and i know if he ever does decide to be a part of her life that sooner or later he will let her down - he can't help himself. And no matter how much I try to stop that from happening I can't - but I will be there to pick up the pieces.
The reason I told him that once I had told her he couldn't back out was so that I wouldn't prepare her and he wouldn't let her down this time ...I never told her that she'd be meeting her daddy so there was no chocolate bar dangled in front of her and she's none the wiser.
I think I'm acting in my the best interests of my Daughter who is the light of my life and not out of some morbid curiosity to see how she and my ex interact

greengirl31

I wasn't asking him to just meet her once ... Like Now and never again ... It was just that I wasn't going to ask him to commit to a long term arrangement - I wanted to see if they met up would that be enogh to stem the questions for the time being ....Maybe it wouldn't, Maybe it would do more harm than good but as I've said, there's a downside to every way to deal with an absent parent ...

Fittle

OK Greengirl, I completely and utterly remember and understand the emotion of having a 3yr old who's dad is not in the picture. I found it incredibly difficult - almost impossible - to accept that this man, who made the child with me, didn't love this child in the same way that I did.

So perhaps it's because I'm further down the road than you.

I remember when my lad was your child's age, and people would say to me 'How can you even want that a&&hole in your sons life' and I could never really explain it. Other than I had this desperate 'want' in me that my sons dad would love him even half as much as I do.

Anyway, I'm getting emotional now - I'm not saying what you're doing is 'wrong' necessarily - I just don't think it's in the best interests of your child, by asking him to see her for one day.

Bring him to court and get maintenance from him - that would serve your daughter well.

metrovelvet

Its such a magical golden age and that coupled with the hard stats that if they are not in their lives by four, they never will be, I think sets in a last chance saloon feeling, because it is the last chance saloon.

greengirl31

Fittle, I understand the feeling of not being able to understand how my daughters father doesn't lover her as much as I do but I've also come to realise that I never will understand it so I've stopped trying ... .... Like you say, your further down the line with this than I am so perhaps my views will change in time.I wouldn't say I wanted him to be part of her life but the fact of the matter is that he is her father and no matter how much I'd like to change that, I can't - he's part of her, and therfore our life now wether we like it or not. It remains to be seen how big or small a part he is ... He does pay substantial maintenance so that's not an issue.

RichMc70

greengirl31 wrote: »

She started asking questions in the last few weeks so I asked him if he'd see her just as a one off - cause I know he has no interest in being part of her life and as much as I know it's not right, it suits me just fine

I really wasn't expecting it but he's said yes !! No part of me is terrified that he'll let her down and cancel at the last

So far, I've answered the questions she's asked - Do I have a daddy - yes, where is he - Down the country.

Hiya Greengirl,

First of all, not an easy one so I wish you the best of luck on what ever you decide.

You say 'he has no interest' and I take you at your word. Therefore why is he agreeing to meet his daughter on a 'one off' basis'. Not trying to be devils advocate here but why has he agreed to this bearing in mind (imo) the heartless/selfish attitude of not being interested.

I sincerely hope he doesn't let you wee girl down, but if he does, I also hope that it doesn't have any long term effect and on the other hand, if he doesn't, that she's not pining the rest of her life for a daddy she only met once when she was three. Seeing as it's a one off.

An alternative case scenario for me would be that he commit to a planned regular contact. Whether that be once a month, bi-monthly or even twice a year (e.g. birthday and christmas). Not sure how that's sits with you but from your daughters outlook she would at least, over a long period (but minimal contact) of time, have some feeling of dual parentage.

As I said before, best of luck and hope all goes well.

greengirl31

Thanks again for the replies and input ... As I predicted, daddy backed out of the meeting but at least he had the decency to do it before I told my little girl. I was hoping that by meeting him face to face - even if it was only for a short time - it would give her the opportunity to put a face to the name, so to speak, and perhaps by doing that it may sort a few things out in her head - for the time being at least because at the moment she's just looking for information about him not why is he not here etc. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do - I don't know but it was worth a try.
In terms of having regular access, which I agree, would be the Ideal, I've tried this since she was born. For the first 2 years I practically begged him to spend some time with her and get to know her and her him - as fittle said, I couldn't understand how he couldn't love my little girl as much as I did. But as it approached her 2nd Birthday I decided enough was enough. I met up with him and told him that I was going to stop asking, that the door was always open and it was never too late. But if he did decide to see her it had to be regular and consistent. She was getting that bit older and I didn't want to confuse her by sporadic visits. I know that this sudden one off meeting is a bit of a turn around but a year and a half ago, I didn't know what way she'd be about her father.
At the end of the day, I know he has his reasons for staying away (which have nothing to do with my daughter) but frankly I don't think they're any excuse. I think he's weak but that's the way he is and I've given up trying to change him. If he ever did decide to get a backbone and want a relationship whit his daughter, I would never stand in the way but my daughter and her happiness and wellbeing is my main priority. We have a strong family network around us so I don't think my daughter is lacking a male figure in her life and there's no shortage of love for her. I hope one day in the future, that he will want this but until then we'll manage without him.