Is He Over His Ex?

LegacyUser

Going 'undercover' for this one!

Ok so I've been going out with a guy for the last three years. He is not from Ireland but has been living here for the last few years. I dont know if it is my own insecurities or paranoia, but I never fully believe that he is over his ex

They were together for four years during college and had made all the plans to marry and have babies, got on well with each others families etc.

They broke up (according to my bf) when he came to Ireland (approx 5 years ago). The reason they did so was because he moved to Ireland for work and couldn't keep the relationship going. From what I know, it got a bit messy and he ended up cheating on her over here a few times. He told her all this and reckons he did it out of upset and was just all over the place - a desperate attempt to move on I suppose while still seeing if anything could come of the relationship- anyway his motives are not the reason I'm posting

When I met him first, there were nights where we would have stayed up talking sh1te till the early hours and a couple of these times he would have been telling me about her and how upset he was and that he would never meet anyone like her again. To be honest, the alarm bells never started sounding for me here because I wasn't particularly interested in getting into a relationship and I thought the poor guy could use some help. However, ended up falling in love with him and just not sure if he is even over her now

So I guess my main reasons for doubting whether he is over her are:

1. He told me he would never meet anyone like her again (accept that this was three years ago)

2. Up until a few months ago he was in regular(ish) contact with her. Twice a month kinda thing on msn

3. Whenever he was talking to her on msn he would hide it from me (so annoying). Minimising the window whenever I walked past!!!! This really upset and p*ssed me off - gave me a reason to doubt his feelings! After a few incidents of that I asked him not to contact her anymore and as far as I know he has not. Kinda regretting that now as I dont know if he is not contacting her outta 'duty' or because he genuinely does not want to - are the two the same? Does that even matter?

4. The few times I have wanted to talk about things with him he says that he does not want to talk about it

5. He told me that if he were still in his home country he would probably still be with her now

6. Since I asked him not to contact her she has emailed him a few times asking why he does not contact her anymore

7. His parents still talk about her infront of me (albeit in a different language, I have picked up enough to get the gist of it) and his father is friends with her on facebook, as is his brother and a few of his cousins

8. When we were just 'hanging out' at the beginning, he used to play songs which he said reminded him of her

So looking at it in black and white, I know the evidence is weighed pretty heavily against me but I know that my bf cares about me greatly and he is so kind and generous and good hearted and patient and I really do love him

I suppose I am posting here because I dont want to bring this up with him again as he has cut contact and I dont want to start sounding COMPLETELY paranoid (or even moreso than I may sound to ye!) and just want to get over this and continue to enjoy the relationship

Just to clarify - I know many may think I should have run a mile at the start, but honestly, I was just hanging out with this guy and having the craic and wasn't really looking for anything serious as I was young enough and enjoying single life. I also am of the opinion (be it naive) that, sure ya might as well be honest and be accepting of people and listen to what they have to say. That's how I would be with my friends and it'show I was with him, but now I know things that maybe I wish I didn't

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I guess maybe some outside opinions or if anyone can relate and how they overcame it

Thanks for reading

Azureus

I think ex issues are always gonna be common in relationships but lets analyse the reasons for doubting...


''1. He told me he would never meet anyone like her again (accept that this was three years ago)''

At the time, you werent dating. It was three years ago and he was probably still hurting. I know that I will never meet anybody like my ex, and stupidly I said this to my current guy of 3 and a half years while we started dating-I was still raw from the break up. Now, even though that statement still rings true, I wouldnt trade my current fella for anybody because I will never find someone like him either. Hard as it is to swallow, other people will always have a place in his heart. It doesnt mean he loves you any less.

''2. Up until a few months ago he was in regular(ish) contact with her. Twice a month kinda thing on msn''


I talk to my ex all the time. People can be friends with their exes.

''3. Whenever he was talking to her on msn he would hide it from me (so annoying). Minimising the window whenever I walked past!!!! This really upset and p*ssed me off - gave me a reason to doubt his feelings! After a few incidents of that I asked him not to contact her anymore and as far as I know he has not. Kinda regretting that now as I dont know if he is not contacting her outta 'duty' or because he genuinely does not want to - are the two the same? Does that even matter?''

Minimising the window is a lil annoying alright and would defo make me sketchy about his motives, but he could have jusy been sparing your feelings knowing it would make you uncomfortable. But if he stopped contacting her on your request, that shows that YOU are the priority, not her. The fact that he was willing to do it out of duty for you shows that your feelings matter. even if its not something he didnt want to do, he did it for you, and made that sacrifice for you.

''4. The few times I have wanted to talk about things with him he says that he does not want to talk about it''

This however sends alarm bells for me. Perhaps he is still sensitive about this girl and his feelings for her? I'd make your feelings known and say you NEED to talk about it. If he cares enough about you, he will.

''5. He told me that if he were still in his home country he would probably still be with her now''

When did he tell you that? Before or during your relationship? Before, see my response to point 1. After? Not cool.

''6. Since I asked him not to contact her she has emailed him a few times asking why he does not contact her anymore''

This is irelevant; his responses to this are what matters. Did he reply? If so, what did he say? How do you know abouit these emails? If he told you then hes not hiding anything-good sign.

''7. His parents still talk about her infront of me (albeit in a different language, I have picked up enough to get the gist of it) and his father is friends with her on facebook, as is his brother and a few of his cousins''

My mother is always asking about my ex. My exs parents do his head in always asking about me. Im friends with his sisters on facebook. It by no means says that I want to be with him. I would choose my bf hands down.

''8. When we were just 'hanging out' at the beginning, he used to play songs which he said reminded him of her''

See response to point 1 again. This was BEFORE your relationship. He was healing. If he listened to these songs all the time now that youre together I would get annoyed, but how he acted before you were together is completely irelevant imo. You should have dealt with this before getting into a relationship with him if it bothered you so much. Three years on and your bringing it up? Seems like youre very insecure and picking up on every little reason to doubt this guy...

LegacyUser

OP here

Thank you so much for your reply. You are right, I am insecure about this issue. I think it is important to say that these things happened during the last three years and were not all at the start of the relationship, so I suppose once something came up and I thought I had dealt with it, something else would then crop up which kinda made me doubt again and shake the foundations

I would be of the opinion that one cannot be friends with an ex. Fair enough you may have resolved issues and not have any bad feelings toward them but I think, especially in this situation, where the split was due to distance and not to lack of love, that there will always be chemistry and feelings between two people who used to go out and to maintain regular contact is to exploit that - perhaps with personal motives - be it 'keeping tabs' on someone, having feelings for them still or whatever

With regard to him not wanting to talk about it, I guess the last time I brought it up would be maybe six months ago and this was again his response.

He told me that he would probably still be with her if in the same country about nine months into our relationship

The couple of emails she sent him I found. He left for football and had left his fb account signed in so I went into his messages. (I'm definitely not proud of this). The message was unread and had just been received and after I read it, I deleted it. (It was either that or him knowing I had gone into his messages) Imo, if I had not heard from one of my friends who was living abroad, I would not send them a message asking why they had not contacted me and telling them how upset I was over it

I appreciate your responses and want people to know that this is something that I have tried to forget about. I'm never one for drama but at this stage, I'm having dreams about this!

metrovelvet

If you keep reading his mail and deleting it you will drive him straight into someone else's arms.

What does it mean to be over someone anyway exactly?

And to what extent can you control who is and isnt in his life as uncomfortable as it may be for you.

LegacyUser

Op, rest assured that you are not the only one to be going through this.

My situation is near identical.

It's very hard when you know your partner didn't break up with their ex due to lack of love.

You worry that one day he will return to his home country or such to visit friends and family and meet this woman, etc..

People will jump down your throat about you reading his facebook message, but Those people have never been in that situation and don't know how this feels.

I wish women like this would learn to back off and let their ex move on with his new gf.

My situation involves the ex constantly texting, etc.

We talked, I told him how sad it makes me and he's now after 2 years stopped replying, but she still keeps emailing, calling, texting. Being ignored never stops her. I'd never do this to someone else's man.

I don't have any answers yet as I'm still in the same place as you. It hurts.

Hang in there and hopefully someone who has got through this will reply, rather than those perfect souls amongst us who have never considered checking their partner's facebook messages from their ex while suspecting something is going on..

Azureus

Okay I wouldn't be proud of checking facebook messages/phones etc, but paranoia will do that to people-this isnt a place for judgement imo. I wouldnt justify it either; fact is if you cant talk about these things honestly, then snooping is not going to get you anywhere that you wanna go! What are you hoping to find out? You're leaving yourself open to things that could be misinterpreted. Trust is the basis behind any solid relationship and if you dont have that, you don't have much.

OP if you dont believe that exes can be friends then this situation must be killing you. From my experience, they can be. But that said, I know if my bf was friends with his ex I would not be happy (because of the circumstances of their break up, I would not feel comfortable). So I can completely see why you are so uneasy with this whole situation.

I know its not much advice, but the only thing I can say is talk it out. His refusal to talk it out with you is the one thing about your posts that worries me. He seems to be very open with you in how he confides in you (it was 9 months into your relationship when he mentioned he would probably still be with her if... so that to me, unless said in an argument/heated way, suggests that he trusts you and can be honest with you).

But at the same time if he is now not willing to discuss his previous relationship with you it suggests that he is a) hiding something or b) still raw/hurt from the fact that they aren't together. There may be other more positive reasons for his refusal to speak with you but fact is if you lay how you are feeling down on the line like you did in your OP, he should be willing to override whatever reasons these are and discuss it with you. As his girlfriend f 3+ years you have imo a right to know what his intentions are with you/with her (at the risk of sounding like an overprotective father )

Good luck.