Is it possible to love & hate my fiance at the same time

LegacyUser

hi all,i've been with my fiance for 3 yrs, i've just given birth to our 1st baby and ever since baby was born we've done nothing but fight. it's resulted in me crying myself to sleep several times and i don't think i can take much more of it.
we have both different personalities, i'm relaxed & easygoing, he's not, he likes everything done a certain way... we muddled along happily thru the pregnancy, got on well but now it's changed
.. it seems like he is being completely controlling - his list of rules is growing by the day... for example we decided on breastfeeding but after numerous attempts for 2 days with the help of nurses in the hospital it didn't work (for physical reasons). so i gave her a bottle... This infuriated him and he actually yelled at me in a room with 3 other new mums & nurses all within earshot, that i was doing it on purpose that i was too lazy to breastfeed etc. etc.
my mam has offered to come and stay downstairs with the baby for a night to let us get a full nights sleep but he refused point blank, went mad that i even suggested it... accused me of being "tired of the baby" and doesn't understand why i'm even looking for a full night sleep when i have all day to sleep while i'm on maternity leave....Told me that i did nothing all day anyway. (even tho i'm expected to have house clean/clothes washed/food ready etc)
every evening he's throwing comments at me, nagging about the breastfeeding, he's starting to dictate that i can't have any visitors (my mam included) after 9.30 at night cos he needs to go to bed early..
he's done 2 night feeds since i came home.
i also realise that a baby completely changes your life so there was bound to be arguments while both of us adjusted to it but it's really taking it's toll on me... please help anyone who has been in this situation, i don't want to have a failed relationship with the father of my baby. as bad as the above sounds i do love this man and he is a brilliant father to our child.
i just can't take being so controlled i'm turning into a horrible person, we're snapping at each other daily and i can't sleep at all thinking about it...
please tell me if his behaviour is normal of a man adjusting to a new baby? am i being overly sensitive?

Milkmaid

Hi OP, firstly congrats on the new baby;)
This is without doubt probably one of the most life changing events of your life..it's happy/ stressful/ exhausting all at the same time! Give yourself and your OH a break..you are barely home from the hospital after all.
Remember too that years back new mums got a week to rest at hospital and bond with baby, and fathers got those few days to get a full night's sleep.
You know the first few weeks with my first baby I just was so up one minute then down the next, and I craved a full night's sleep (I can remember looking at visitors and being jealous that they had slept 8hours:D)

About the breastfeeding, it didn't work for me either but that is a personal choice.There is nothing wrong with EITHER. I found with last baby that the swing towards breastfeeding made it Un-PC to say "no, I actually like bottlefeeding because I can see how much baby has had to feed, and baby is on a regular feeding schedule with intervals in between".....people were horrified! The funny thing is both my kids are healthy and tall (one is 6ft 5in)..I think it is the mum's choice, sounds like your OH is just worried that baby is having the best..maybe bring him to your GP or local baby weighing clinic to reassure him baby is growing well.

About the night feeds..if he won't allow your mum to help then make him do at least one night a week by himself, let him see how tiring it is. As for the house well the one thing the Public Health Nurse will say when she drops in to see you and check baby is that they get scared when the house is too tidy, this is because the mum has to tend to the new baby so much in first couple months that a very tidy house means the baby is coming second to housework.
Take all the advice and help offered to you especially from your mum....mine was brilliant and had the baby on a sleeping/feed schedule in no time..they are pros

Jenneke87

I'm going to be very blunt here but the way your husband behaves is appaling. You gave birth to your first child and all he does is making up rules and insane demands, yet at the same time bars you from getting any help.

Is he unable to cope with the newborn? Most people who set strict rules for themselves to so in order to create security and to oversee their day to day situations. Your finance going overboard with all these " new rules" would have one think he's trying to grasp the situation in his own way but failing??

Any which way, you're going to have to discuss this with him. It needn't be complicated; a newborn baby creates chaos and stress enough without him adding petty rules and criticizing you. I'd say "like it or lump it"

metrovelvet

Your fiance is being a dick.

I know with sleep deprivation its a crazy time but the last thing you need is someone critisizing you,putting you down and accusing you of being sick of the baby because you need some help. It is quite abusive and the last thing you need when you are adjusting to having a new born around.

If you have this in your life it could affect how you see the baby and your bonding with the child.

If he cant change then Id move into your moms for a while where you can get some peace.

What a jerk.

Neyite

It would be so tempting to leave him to cope with the baby, the housework and all for a few days to see how he likes it! but chances are he would only use it against you in another argument.

How well do you get on with his mother? Could you invite her to stay a week or so - she would be the perfect person to put manners on him which he is sorely needing.

Its worth pointing out that in every single nationality and culture, and also in the animal kingdom, the females come together to support and teach the new mum what she needs to know and to help her cope. You need that support right now, so set him straight on this one.

If you cant get his mother on side to sort him out, I would second the suggestion to go to your mothers, and inform him that you are not some chattel to be given rules to obey. By the way, you are working full time - your baby is a full time job at the moment and will be for several months, so offer him a choice - you go to your mothers with the baby, or you stay and his 'rules' cease.

Are there other new dads that he can connect with, maybe he might see from speaking to them where he needs to improve.

Firetrap

Is your fiancée normally this controlling? I know you're only writing down what has happened since your baby was born but if similar things were happening at other times in your relationship, it would be red flags all the way.

The first thing you need to do is go talk to your mum and get some help from her. You need some help badly - even if it's a decent night's sleep - and to sit your fiancée down and set ground rules. He has absolutely no right to treat you like this and to be frank, it's worrying behaviour.

SheRa

His behaviour is shocking alright, very controlling.

I have to say tho, he also sounds like he's scared witless about bringing up a baby, like hes afraid that hes not doing things the right way. Would you consider counselling with him?

How Strange

Op, I'm a first time to a 5week old so I know how hard it can be at the start; we're still in the middle of it ourselves.
First off yes he is being a dick but it sounds to me like he's terrified himself and his need to control things is his way of coping. I'm not excusing him but just offering a possible reason.

Last Thursday my little lad was a cranky so and so all day. I hardly got time to eat and the place was a mess. By the time my husband came home I was tearing my hair out. On Saturday he was cranky again and my husband commented on how you could do nothing when he was like that to which I replied 'now you know how I feel sone days'.

You need to sit your fiancé down and explain clearly to him that he's being completely unsupportive and you can't tolerate his behaviour any longer. This should be a happy time in your relationship while also bringing new challenges which you have to work through.

Regarding breastfeeding he's being a total ar5e. It's a very tough thing to do successfully and as a mother you have to do what's best for you and your baby. There's no point in trying to do something if it stresses you out. I'm breastfeeding but I've gone through many times when I almost sent himself to get formula. He has no concept of how hard it is especially at the beginning with latching and establishing supply etc so really on that one I'd tell him to sod off.

I hope you work it out but you need to tell him exactly how you feel and change the current dynamic of him setting the rules for you all to follow to everything being agreed together.

How Strange

By the way, Op it might be a good idea to get this moved to the parenting forum where you'll get advice/feedback from other parents.

common sense brigade

If i were you i would pack up your things now and go stay with your mam for a few weeks. tell him you refuse to come back until he thinks about things and reaslises what he has lost and how he has treated you. he is behaving like a scumbag. do you want your child to pick up his disgusting traits? he needs to make big changes. i wouldnt go back until i saw him going to counselling and making these changes.

Janet1986

The baby is number one now!

This could be the problem.

Your partner is now in second place and maybe he feels he needs to have all these rules in place for him to feel he is in control.

I agree with the other posters with regards to you going to your mothers for a few days.

LegacyUser

feddup wrote: »

hi all,i've been with my fiance for 3 yrs, i've just given birth to our 1st baby and ever since baby was born we've done nothing but fight

A new baby is a huge change. There is bound to be difficult periods where a lack of sleep and a new routine take hold and patience wears thin. It's a massive undertaking for you as a new mum and you should be supported by your fiancé. My wife has had three kids, the latest of them one week ago, and I appreciate how difficult it is but your fiancé needs to work harder at improving his attitude towards you and fatherhood.

feddup wrote: »

it's resulted in me crying myself to sleep several times and i don't think i can take much more of it

Its so basic but you crying is neither good for you or the baby and your baby will pick up on your mood and feelings too. You crying is the complete opposite of how you should be feeling. You should be feeling loved and cared for.

feddup wrote: »

This infuriated him and he actually yelled at me in a room with 3 other new mums & nurses all within earshot, that i was doing it on purpose that i was too lazy to breastfeed

You are not lazy! Breastfeeding does not work for everyone. Your fiancé yelling at you in public shows a lack of respect for you and an ignorance on his behalf to breastfeeding. My wife breastfeed our first child, couldn't breastfeed our second child and is now breastfeeding our third child.

feddup wrote: »

every evening he's throwing comments at me

What he is doing is emotional bullying and its again wrong and not the norm. Throwing comments at you is not how he should be behaving.

feddup wrote: »

please tell me if his behaviour is normal of a man adjusting to a new baby? am i being overly sensitive?

I usually breeze in here and read and move on but your post has my attention. My first point is an answer to your question is your fiancé's behaviour normal? It's not and it's got nothing to do with adjusting to a new baby. Your fiancé sound immature and a bully to boot. As above me and my wife have three boys, the latest a week old and its tough but how your fiancé is behaving is out of line. It would appear to me he knows exactly what he is doing by not allowing you to have your mum over because if she was witness to his behaviour she would not be impressed either.