It's very long but i really need your advice.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm looking for some help, over the last 2 years(ish) my family and I have been having more and more problems. Well at least when it comes to what I'm doing with my life. About 3 years ago I met my girlfriend and I'll be honest, until that point I didn't get out much. So once we started meeting up and going out I was out all the time with her and her/my friends and we had a blast. I finally saw what fun could be had outside the confines of where I was living. I lived in the country and just found it awkward to get out. So having met my girlfriend I finally had a place to stay and tbh we fell in love very early on.

All was going great but all the while my parents aired their "views" and "opinions" on what I was doing. Staying in a girls house overnight and obviously having sex and they clearly didn't approve. This wasn't too bad but they made it very clear that this wasn't the "done thing". I took no notice and pressed on because I loved her and I was having one of the greatest experiences of my life. Of course things all came to a head. One night we had an argument (me and her) and I went home in a huff and was a bit upset (which was foolish) and my parents saw me and were all worried and all that. So finally like two adults we patched things up over the phone and I went back in to town to meet her. It was just a silly argument and all was well with us. However next morning I get a call from my mum telling me that my brother was in hospital and she wanted me to come in to see him. I was worried of course and everything turned out fine in the end and he was grand.

My mum however seemed to pick this incident and somehow pin it on my girlfriend, almost as if our fight had caused this to happen in some bizarre twist that I have yet to understand.

So anyway time goes on and more disapproving comments and views are passed along to our annoyance.

next at my 21st birthday my mum managed to piss off my girlfriend. She (my gf) had arranged for a surprise party for me on the saturday night and we had a smaller family do on the friday. Turns out my mum was supposed to sort the cake for the saturday night as she insisted on doing but "accidentally" served it on the friday with everything else leaving my gf in a panic trying to find a cake on a saturday morning.

Next thing we know about 2 months later my gf is pregnant. Now was a big shock for us but we loved each other and we decided we'd go for it and give it our best shot. We both wanted to raise the baby. When we told my parents they had a freak attack, and not a nice normal one either. They got really nasty and started calling my girlfriend all sorts of nasty things and said they'd pay to take her to England. I was no help here, I just shut down and felt like a naughty child being scolded, I couldn't stand up for myself or her and I regret that to this day. Sure they were angry but what they said was just plain nasty.

As time went on things mellowed out and there was nothing major, and then our baby was born. This was a big event for us an we were thrilled. At this stage neither of our families had met and only exchanged formalities in the hospital. about two months later at the Christening things kicked off in a big way.

At the church we had finished up the ceremony and were doing photo's, next thing my mum says for myself and my two brothers to stand in for a photo and I was holding the baby, whom my gf had just passed to me because my mum pulled her out saying "just the boys" before quickly adding "Oh and "bro's gf name" you're family too, get up there with them" all the while my girlfriend and her family looked on, I immediately called her back because it didn't sit right with me.

On to the afters and about 10 minutes in my dad pulls me outside and starts on me saying that my gf wasn't letting my mum hold the baby and how she was very embarrassed and had gone into the bathroom all upset (which she herself later denied) and threatened to leave and go home. I was really taken aback and got a bit upset myself as I didn't see where the hell he got this notion. This was the tone of the entire day and most of it was spent fighting and they caused a massive scene. It was a big event for us that they ruined it and possibly intentionally.

We got engaged before christmas that year and tbh it was a bust with my family. When we called down the next day we announced it to a flat reception and a begrudging drink because they felt they had to. The rest of my family were really quiet about the whole thing and we were a bit confused by this.

The next time we met my brother and gf they said nothing and I was wondering why. I had expected them to congratulate us at least but they didn't even acknowledge it.it turned my mum had told everyone including my older brother (who wasn't there when we called) that I had given my gf a "promise ring". After this my brother and his girlfriend (of 5 years who was expecting an engagement ring) started avoiding us.

So then things quietened down except for occasional digs and then came my graduation. This was obviously a big day for me and I was really excited. (Up until now the two times my elder brother had graduated I had attended each time) On the day my older brother didn't show up to the meal afterwards. His gf didn't show up at all or at my results meal a few months back despite giving ample notice. My gf and I had attended his previously at the request of my parents and yet she didn't show for any of mine (and she hasn't missed any other family event) I thought this was really bad form considering how much notice i gave but at the time I felt they were ignoring us.

About two months on my brother and his gf started hanging around my parents house more (we call down every weekend so that they can play with the baby) and they became chatty and started asking us about our wedding plans and it was kinda nice, however next thing they got engaged, and the date they'd picked was 3 days after ours and on my birthday. I was really annoyed about this as they had been quizzing us on details and dates only the week before hand. Their excuse was that because we hadn't booked anything they figured they'd just plow on.

we had been discussing our wedding for over a year and had made everyone aware of what we wanted, where and when and were holding off till the new year to put down a deposit.

To be honest I felt betrayed, I had always looked up to my brother but this was just nasty. I didn't say anything at the time as I still figured they were entitled to enjoy their engagement. About a week or two later I met with him and voiced my annoyance, he somehow managed to talk his way out of it, he said that they hadn't meant to cause offence and they had no issues with us. I tried to argue my case but failed miserably. I was really annoyed with myself about this.

I should have been able to tell him where to stick it and couldn't. to this day it's just been bubbling under the surface and I just ignore as best I can if he's ever around when we call to my parents. They of course see no issue whatsoever with what those two are doing. But then they have always seemed to be the golden couple and it always feels like we're competing with them and I hate it. I'm angry with them for not telling my brother to cop on and change the date seeing as we had our plans made long before them, and I'm really angry with him for doing this to me. I hate the fact that I can't be happy for him and that he's taking all the fun out of my own wedding. I hate the fact that they all seem to have such little respect for me, knowing that I'm the quiet type who won't kick up a fuss in order to keep the peace.

I've talked to my friends and they can't believe what they're doing and neither can my gf's family. Nobody can understand it.

Another thing that grates me about it is just how my parents reacted to their engagement, they rang to tell them and we were there at the time. No sooner than thet had hung up than my mother was on the phone telling all and sundry the news, there nothing like this when we got engaged. They also threw an engagement party and invited her family down and my aunts and uncles. We never got a party of any sort, but then my parents made no effort to get to know my gf's family in any way and went out of their way to to offend them all the day of the christening.

I guess when it comes down to it, it seems as if my brother and his girlfriend will forever be the perfect couple who my mum proudly tells everyone about where as I was the one who knocked some girl up and we should be hidden from society. (I kid you not she actually asked my gf to get away from the window when she was pregnant in case someone should see her. )

All I feel like, is a big disappointment to them and i'll never be anymore than that. My family (my gf and daughter) are not important to them and tbh they barely interact with her as it is, I wonder why it is we call at all these days. I still seem to hold out some faint hope that they will develop a good relationship with her, but it's been a year and a half and there's very little to see. Everyone else seems to get on with her so well and go out of their way to play with her and help teach her new things. Almost all the new words she comes up with are after a visit to my in-laws. They have been fantastic with her and I feel ashamed of my own family for the lack of interest and effort they put in. It just seems to be a constant struggle. My mum plays with her a little but is almost always needing to do something else and my dad sits on his ass all weekend watching sport and pays no attention to her. He barely interacts with her at all.

I know I should probably tell them how I feel, but I've had words in the past about little things but they always take great offense at anything i say about serious issues and I'm always causing them "mental anguish" when I do. Its so hard to try and make your case when your parents guilt you into submission and I just find it so hard to fight this. I'm often ashamed of myself for not having stood up when I know I should, I always look back in hindsight and imagine the words I should have said the way I should have acted, but it never happens and it just bubbles under the surface and I get frustrated and have taken this out on my gf sometimes by being excessively cranky and distant, I don't like being this way and it's just so unfair on her and my daughter. They've done nothing wrong and I just seem to be hurting those who don't deserve it, myself included. I really feel like I'm actually doing damage to my own self and I know I need to act to stop it. Even if it means putting a lot of distance between me, my parents and my brother.

I just can't get past it though, why is it my own new family is not worthy of my parents and why is it ok to them for my brother and his gf to be absolute ass' about their wedding. I mean my mother didn't even know when our wedding was despite us trying to tell them about it so many times. Yet she knows when their's is. I think this a blatant dig to be honest. This whole thing just reeks of some sort of revenge or punishment for the choices I've made over the last few years, despite the fact we are raising an amazing little girl and despite all the pressures of money and having to finish out college with a new baby in the house, we still made it out the other side and are still standing strong together. But it just never seems like it's enough and that I'm fruitlessly searching for some sort of validation from my parents and above all, respect.

I'm just so angry right now, it's just been getting worse as time has gone on and now the biggest day of our lives is at risk of being ruined over this pointless crap, this should never have been an issue, they (my bro and his gf) should never have picked a date so close to us. It's just driving me nuts and I just want to scream at them at this point. It's come to the point where the fun of getting married is being sucked out of it and I'm very annoyed about it. This should be the happiest day of my life and they seem to be out to ruin it and cause hassle.

Overall I just feel like a mess inside and things aren't improving. I just hope I can keep myself in check for my own sake and for my gf and daughter.

LegacyUser

If I was in that situation I would either change the date of my wedding or elope.

Stop beating yourself up OP. Time to start living your own life and let your family look after themselves. They sound very selfish and mean.

mariebeth

OP, I really feel for you. It sounds like an awful position to be in. How does your gf feel about the way your family treats you?

I think parents should be happy if their child is happy, and your parents are failing miserably at that, they're actually making you unhappy. If it were me I wouldn't be visiting them every week, making myself miserable. You're taking your daughter in to an atmosphere that sounds stressful & negative every weekend, and that's not fair on either of you. It sounds a lot like you love your parents despite what they do, but you have to stop beating yourself up over it. If you want to keep seeing them, reduce the contact, maybe go once a month or once every couple of months.

And stand up to them. They're not only mistreating you, but they're mistreating your girlfriend and your daughter. And those two people are now part of your little family group, and to be honest, they're more important than your parents or siblings.

LegacyUser

OP, I really think it's time to cut your losses with them. There's no point feeling in competition with your brother; there's no point trying to gain the approval of your family - for whatever reason, they won't give it to you and you will never "win", so to speak.

Your main focus should be your fiance and daughter and making their lives as happy as possible. This is your family. If your parents/brother are distracting you from this, then I'd be winding down contact with them for the good of your own family unit.

With regard to your wedding, personally, I wouldn't bother inviting your parents or brother/his gf. If they seem put out, then just say, "oh, I thought you'd find it too much trouble to come, what with my brother's wedding just a few days away". If you find that would be a step too far, then just send them an invitation but don't talk about it with them. If they come, great, if not, then really it's their loss not yours.

Or just elope and have a great big party when you get back - with just the friends and family members who love and support you.

Life's too short.

ennis81

first of all just want to say that in the Jeremy kyle world we live in now... u rank as a top bloke for stepping up to the plate when u found out your girlfriend was pregnant. You've supported her and your baby, graduated from college and made a huge commitment to your family by getting engaged and setting a date for your wedding, and ur only young...hell i'm proud of ya;) and u should be proud of yourself.

To be honest ur parents sound like complete snobs and the brother and GF don't sound much better....the cheek of them to set a date sso close to ur wedding and causing scenes at ur babies christening....u've every right to be angry.

My advice would be leave them all to it, sounds like ur happier away from them....I'm not saying cut them out completely but stop bringing the baby up at the wkends and stop sharing ur plans with them, if they want to know something let them ASK, Take back control and play it cool cos it sounds like they are trying to get to u, don't let them win.

You have lovely partner and baby, and a nice future to look forward to. Dont let anyone ruin it for you. Theres nothing wrong wit ur life, its them with the problem.

Hope this helps a bit...........................

P.S Ur decription of ur mother reminds me of Hyacinth Bucket from "keeping up apperances"

LegacyUser

I don't know how you gf hasn't blown up already, I know my gf would have told my parents where to go if they said move away from the window or anything like it. Sounds like she's putting with alot from your family. I would sit her down, apologize for the times she endured and thank her too.

I presume your not relying on your parents for financial support at the moment?

Tbh, it sounds like your indulging your family too much. I think its time you broke away from your family. Stop running to their back and call. Let them come and visit you if they want to see their granddaughter. I wouldn't be visiting every week, I would be spending that time with my gf and baby (presuming your working all week). I You have your own family now and they come first. I understand you have the wedding and all, but you'll have to disregard your family (not make them the priority here) and make the day yours and your wifes. Ignore them completely if you have to, you don't want them to ruin your day like the christening. If it were me, I'd be like "It might be best if you don't come" as I will always put my immediate family first.

I think your brother is jealous of you and is trying to compete with you. That is childish. I wouldn't even think about him or his plans at all. Maybe I sound cold saying this but what I am trying to get across is that you are a father now, you need to do whats best for you and your family and when I say your family I mean you, your daughter and your gf. Thats your family now. You need to start not caring what others think of you, you got more important things to do now.

Calhoun

cutyourlosses wrote: »

OP, I really think it's time to cut your losses with them. There's no point feeling in competition with your brother; there's no point trying to gain the approval of your family - for whatever reason, they won't give it to you and you will never "win", so to speak.

Your main focus should be your fiance and daughter and making their lives as happy as possible. This is your family. If your parents/brother are distracting you from this, then I'd be winding down contact with them for the good of your own family unit.

With regard to your wedding, personally, I wouldn't bother inviting your parents or brother/his gf. If they seem put out, then just say, "oh, I thought you'd find it too much trouble to come, what with my brother's wedding just a few days away". If you find that would be a step too far, then just send them an invitation but don't talk about it with them. If they come, great, if not, then really it's their loss not yours.

Or just elope and have a great big party when you get back - with just the friends and family members who love and support you.

Life's too short.

I couldn't agree more with this post if it was me they wouldn't be invited to the wedding and i would cut them from my life.

They aren't worth the time your wasting on them and if you keep trying it will really damage your new family. I speak from personal experience i am the son of a guy in just your situation and unfortunately by the time my dad realised what he had it was gone.

Focus on what matters most which is your own family and to hell with the rest of them .

Queen-Mise

On no account even consider not having your own big wedding day because your family OP.

Two things spring to mind from your post. Firstly regrets for the times you did not stand up to your family. Acknowledge them, but leave them in the past, it is a skill to be learnt to be able to stand up to your nearest & dearest. You never mentioned if your girlfriend is at all annoyed with you over this events. If all of these are ok with her, and she understands why you froze, then leave them in the past.

Secondly the more time you spend with your parental family the more you allow them to put you and your family down. Your family is your girlfriend and child, they are your first priority. Don't make as much as an effort with your parents - you may never get the same approval of them as your brother does. It doesn't matter if that's unfair to you - that is the reality of the situation.

Your girlfriends family are nice - spend time with them. Plan your wedding and the full day - but take a step back.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks to everyone for your help, I think I really do just need to focus on my own family now. I've not seen my parents for about 2 weeks and have avoided contact via phone/text. I do feel a little better for it. Although I rang my brother on Sunday after my Uncle told me that my mother had said to him that my brother was thinking of changing his wedding date.

So I rang him hoping that maybe this was true and maybe he'd decided to do the right thing. All I got was an argument and the same crap I was subjected to the first time I tried to talk to him about it. He insists that they asked us when we were getting married and had asked so as not to have two weddings at once and that we never told them at all, but we DID tell him when. Even though we hadn't actually booked anything. When I told him this he denied the conversation ever happened. He claims that we had no plans of any sort in place. It was like beating my head off a brick wall and I just got sick of it and hung up.

I gave him a chance and he threw it back in my face and it makes me wonder what my mother is telling people if she told my uncle that he had been considering changing his date, when he clearly was not. She's obviously not above lying for him. To add insult to injury he accused me of lying and getting things mixed up. I'm not perfect but I'm not a lier. I remember that conversation we had way back when very well as it was one of the only (somewhat) genuine conversations about my wedding a member of my family chose to have with me.

As for my girlfriend, she's been great to me and very supportive. She's put up with a lot for the sake of me and to try and make me happy and I'm very grateful for that. It's what helps me realise that my own little family is where I should be focusing my attention and to try and escape the bad atmosphere that my family have created.

Thanks everyone for your help, this has been very helpful for me and I think even just getting some outside opinions has been a great help.