Lost

LegacyUser

Yesterday we got our internet and phone bill for the month of January it totalled around €200.

The calls totalled around €65 euro and there was around €100 unpaid on the December bill, which was added onto the January bill.

The bill came in around three weeks ago, my mother got the bill and hid it. Yesterday our internet was suspended because the bill wasn't paid either fully or partially.

So my granny (whose name the bill is in) asked me to phone the internet/phone company so I did and in the end my granny ended up paying the whole bill over the phone.

Now, my granny never uses the internet and rarely makes phone calls, so realistically she shouldn't have to pay anything towards the bill.

What's annoyed my granny most was, the bill came in three weeks ago and my mother got the bill, but never said anything about it, not one word, not even a hint the bill came in.

My mother normally pays the bills since she's the one who uses the house phone and the internet most.

Since yesterday (since my granny found out about the bill and paid it) my mother has been in a really bad mood.

Snapping at both of us.

She informed me I should be paying something towards the internet as I use it - I have many, many times in the past offered to pay something towards the internet bill and each and every time she has always said no, if I leave money lying around for my mother for the bill, it's left there for a number of weeks until I eventually take it back.

Yesterday she hit me with "you earn more than me yet you've never paid towards the internet" - I have offered, I've left money out for her to go towards the bill, but it's always left there.

I am in college on get BTEA - I get €188 per week while my mother earns €157 per week. I pay €100 for my rent/bills each week and am only home at the weekends.

After all my expenses (bills/rent, food and travel) are paid, I have very little left for myself, so all I can afford is €10 per week for the internet, the internet/phone (they are a package) cost €46 per month (usually) so if I pay €10 per week I am paying nearly the full bill. I don't mind paying towards the bill as I do use the internet and occasionally the phone (it's not often I use the phone, maybe once a month).

Yesterday, my mother said "I'll do away with myself with the wages I earn" and has been very quiet since yesterday.

I know my mother has credit card debt - how much I don't know. I know before she told me she owed just over €5k and but has been paying it off every month so her payment have been reduced as she has paid a certain amount. She informed me yesterday she is behind on her credit card payment, she didn't say how far behind she is or how much is left to be paid.

She had VHI and it was costing over €100 per month, last night she said she cancelled it, but to be honest, I am not sure if I believe her. She has said this before that she cancelled it and then suddenly she had the money for it again (less than a month after she apparently cancelled it). Maybe she has cancelled it, I don't know.

I have depression and my family don't know and I can't tell them as if I did then they would feel sorry for me and pity me and I don't want that, as well as that, anoter family member is ill and everyone is worried/stressed about that person's health (understandably) and three, my dad and siblings live in a different country and I know they wouldn't be happy if I told them over the phone and I cannot go to see them due to college and finances. And I can't exactly tell mam and her side of the family and not tell my dad/siblings and dad's side of the family, it wouldn't be fair.

I am seeing the college counsellor to help with my depression and so far have had one visit last week and won't see them again until we go back after mid-term.

I am finding it difficult enough to cope with day-to-day life and my finances and to be totally honest, I am barely coping as it is so when my mum gets into a bad mood (for whatever reason) and takes it out on me, I find it even more difficult, especailly when she lashes out at me.

She gets into bad moods over the slightest things, if she burns toast or puts too much milk into her tea/coffee she will use a variety of colourful langauge and will snap at myself or my granny if we dare to open our mouths to ask/say something regardless of what we want to say/ask.

She drinks evvery night, maybe 3-4 vodka and cokes and if she doesn't have drink, she stays in her bedroom tidying/reading and will come into the kitchen maybe once or twice for a glass of water/cup of tea, she has constant headaches (every 2-3 days).

If either myself or my granny ask her opinion on anything she gives us a negative opinion rather than positive.

If I buy myself something new (clothes, earring, dress or a even a take-away) she just says "'well for some". Whenever I get my legs waxed (every 2-3 month and I save to get it done, I don't just wake-up/get-up and decide "I'll get my legs done today") when I do get my legs done/get something new/get a take-away, I find, it makes me feel good about myself, which to be hoenst, isn't often.

Since about 2-3 weeks before Christmas (2010) I was picking up littles bits and pieces of grocery shopping for her and last week I totalled it up and it's come to almost €120 euros. I know she has picked up a few groceries for me over the past few weeks and I have asked her countless times to add up what I owe her so I can start to pay her back and she keeps telling me "I'll do it soon", "soon" never comes and to be honest, I am sick of waiting for her to do it. She has the receipts so I can't total it all up without them.

I have no self-confidence, self-esteem and self-belief. I am not academically gifted and it takes me a while to grasp/understand most things. I try my best, but constantly feel like I am a failure. I am doing my leaving cert and while I am trying my absolute best (I was away from education for a few years before going back to do the LC) I am not doing well, my family have an idea I'm not doing well, but they don't realise how badly I am doing. I have spoken to my college tutor and she has said if I want, I can reapeat this year she feels I could do better next year so I have decided to repeat the year and when I told my mum she just said "hmm".

When I was younger, I didn't have the greatest of relationships with my mum and I remember once when she told me "she wished she aborted me". My uncle was living with us at the time and she was an alcoholic and he caused a lot of rows between my mother and my granny and a few times he hit me and I would ring my mum or auntie crying and my mum would come home and tear strips of him (verbally). I remember once when when I was about 14-15 I phoned the local clnic where social workers are and hung up before anyone answered. From the time I started secondary school I had a very difficult time, I was bullied, psychologically and physically so I had a troubled time throughout my teenage years. When I was about 14 I took an over-dose, luckily there was no damage done. The Dr in the hospital asked my mum if I needed to speak to a child psychologist, mam said no, but looking back now, she should have said yes. Because I did need to speak to someone, I realised the OD was a cry for help, it's only recently I realised this. I left school at 16 and only went back last September. I am in my early twenties.

I have no friends so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Sorry for the long and muddled post, I just needed to get this off my chest.

LegacyUser

Lost6464 wrote: »

she was an alcoholic

This should say "he was an alcoholic", my mother wasn't an alcoholic my uncle was (and presumably still is, he is no longer a part of our lives, so we don't know what he's like now).

LegacyUser

You offered money to pay some of the bill.......your mum did NOT accept the money......then she gives out to you for not contributing money. This is crazymaking behavior on her part.

Nothing you can do is right. Its called a "Double Bind" look it up, its a term used in psychology, if you learn how to recognize these situations for what they are i.e crazymaking situations you will go a long way to prevent yourself from getting serious depression or mental illness.

Try and get some counselling. Like yourself more, stop accepting **** from people.
Actions speak louder than words, a rule I use is tell twice and if the behavior doesn't change, just act e.g. leave.

Another technique is called "broken record" look this up too, someitme you may have to repeat something to someone three times in a row to get the point home, use calm non emotive tone.

Learn how to spot and deal with "crazymakers" and you will make life a lot easier for yourself.

good luck. Managing your depression should be first and foremost, very important, dont make the mistake of talking with someone who wont listen e.g. your mum. Get to a councellor. I speak from my experience. I learn the hard way!

Guestbear

tenchi-fan

If I were you, I'd take my €188 and move out. You could get digs in a house that includes electricity and internet for as little as €60 a week from someone who will be glad of the extra cash. Your depression probably stems from the negative environment you're living in together with the constant & unwarranted criticism from your mother.

I lived in a similar environment with my dad. He didn't have financial problems but he was a control freak and used the high phone bill as an excuse to fly off the handle. The bastard never even paid it - I'd pay my share with my part-time job and my mam used to pay the rest. When I was over 18 things got worse, he criticised me even more and I had no self confidence and hit a few "all time lows" between ages 25-28 when I felt the best years of my life were already gone and I'd spent them being bullied and feeling miserable. I'm 29 now and despite all my dad's hot air about everything he's done for me, I just feel like I've been robbed of years of my life and have nothing to show for them.

You need to move out of home. Leave your mother to stew in her own unhappiness.

Chuchoter

I'd take your money and leave, €100 a week is a hell of a lot if you're only there on weekends and you have to pay for food and travel yourself. You are doing more than you owe them, they honestly don't sound like very nice people and seem to want to make you feel like crap so you won't have the confidence to leave and take your money with you.

LegacyUser

guestbear You are right, managing my own depression should be first and foremost. I just find it so difficult and wish I had someone at home (family/friends) I could talk to, but there's no one, not one person.

I once spoke to a family member about my mum's drinking and all she did was go back and tell my mum everything and it ended up with my mother and granny not speaking to each other for a number of weeks (almost three months).

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If I were you, I'd take my €188 and move out. You could get digs in a house that includes electricity and internet for as little as €60 a week from someone who will be glad of the extra cash. Your depression probably stems from the negative environment you're living in together with the constant & unwarranted criticism from your mother.

I lived in a similar environment with my dad. He didn't have financial problems but he was a control freak and used the high phone bill as an excuse to fly off the handle. The bastard never even paid it - I'd pay my share with my part-time job and my mam used to pay the rest. When I was over 18 things got worse, he criticised me even more and I had no self confidence and hit a few "all time lows" between ages 25-28 when I felt the best years of my life were already gone and I'd spent them being bullied and feeling miserable. I'm 29 now and despite all my dad's hot air about everything he's done for me, I just feel like I've been robbed of years of my life and have nothing to show for them.

You need to move out of home. Leave your mother to stew in her own unhappiness.

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'd take your money and leave, €100 a week is a hell of a lot if you're only there on weekends and you have to pay for food and travel yourself. You are doing more than you owe them, they honestly don't sound like very nice people and seem to want to make you feel like crap so you won't have the confidence to leave and take your money with you.

I should clarified, I have moved out and mod-week live away from home for college. I am only at home Friday evening -Sunday afternoon.

I will still have to come home at weekends as my granny lives here so I like to make sure she is OK as when I am away for college, it is only my mother and grandmother in the house.

My grandmother and I get on very well, there is never, ever a word between us. Sometimes I think my mum is jealous of that, but then I think I am being silly.

When I am home I do some cooking/cleaning as I can't afford to give me granny rent so I do other things for her around the house.

I have about €30 per week for myself after I pay for food (for my rented house and home), travel, rent.

The house I rent is the cheapest I've found for location and convenience for getting to college, I have looked for other houses in the area and again looking at my own house and rent, it's worth the struggle financially.

The house next door to me has a single room for rent for €500 per month excluding bills. Mine is a double room, all bills included for €400 per month. And looking closer to college, my house is still cheaper.

tenchi-fan

try not to come home every weekend.

LegacyUser

tenchi-fan wrote: »

try not to come home every weekend.

As I said before, my family visit my grandmother every few weeks, so when they aren't over I like to go home and check on my granny and check she is ok.

Thanks for your advice.

kerash

I'd just like to tell you that you sound like a great person and fair play to you for putting up with all of that. You should be proud of yourself for getting help with the depression and not letting your mum drag you down.
My advise would be to please put yourself first, I know you want to look after your gran but you need to look after yourself before taking on anyone else.
If you could only go home every 2nd weekend maybe - it would give you a break. You've been through a lot and you are doing great.

As you get on well with your granny could you talk to her about how you feel?

LegacyUser

kerash wrote: »

I'd just like to tell you that you sound like a great person and fair play to you for putting up with all of that. You should be proud of yourself for getting help with the depression and not letting your mum drag you down.
My advise would be to please put yourself first, I know you want to look after your gran but you need to look after yourself before taking on anyone else.
If you could only go home every 2nd weekend maybe - it would give you a break. You've been through a lot and you are doing great.

As you get on well with your granny could you talk to her about how you feel?

Thank you.

There's no way I could talk to my granny, if I told her, she would tell my mum and I don't want that.

The past two days (today and yesterday) my mother has been in and out of bad moods like I don't know what. One minute she is fine and the next she'd turn on you.

She's just turned on my because I asked her to pass me the heater, I was stuck behind the table and couldn't get out, so she moved the heater a little closer to me then I asked her to move it closer as I couldn't get it and she slammed it down on the ground in front of me and called me "a little bitch".

The other night I was having a glass of wine (1 glass) and she turned to me and said "do you not think your drinking a little too much?" I don't drink every night, maybe once every weekend or once every two weeks (depending on my mood) and usually only one or two glasses. She drinks every night and has about 3-4 vodka & cokes or whatever alcohol she has in. I drink west coast cooler so not leg I get legless.

I am sick to death of the abuse and don't know how much more of it I can take before I snap and tear strips off her!!

I wish to god I had some friends right now just so I could talk to them or hang out with them and take my mind off this, even for a few hours. Will it ever change?

LegacyUser

A few developements since I last posted in this thread

Today I asked my granny if I could turn the oil on to heat the water as I wanted to go for a shower, she said yes. So I turned the oil on (it takes about an hour to heat the water) so while it was heating I decided to make some food (cooking pancakes, the mix was already prepared). I was in the middle of eating my pancakes and about 5 mins after I sat down to eat them my granny asked me if I was going for my bath, I said yes, but not for a few minmutes I was eating my food. About 10 minutes later she asked me the same question and I gave her the same answer and added in "I am finishing my good before I go for the bath" I was polite and then my granny said to me "because your so important", I sat quiet said nothing, continued eating. About 5 minutes later she asked me if I was going for my bath again and I said yes, but not for a few minutes as I am finishing my food so she said "I am turning off the oil and it is not being turned back on" and she turned off the oil. While my mother was cooking dinner for herself and my granny my mother turned on the oil (without asking) to heat the water to wash the dishes after dinner. It wasn't even on 20 minutes when my granny turned it off.

My granny turns off the heating all day, every day, so we have to use a small fan heater to keep the place warm.

If we want to turn on the oil to heat the water to have a bath/shower/wash dishes/was our hair we have to ask my granny and if she says no, we cannot use it. If she does allow us to have the oil on, it's never on for more than 30minutes, unless she is in bed for a nap/has an early night and we turn on the oil for an hour or two.

Someone phoned here and I answered the phone as my granny was in the store having a cigarette the person who phoned was looking for a store in town but had the wrong number. After that my granny today told me I am not to answer the phone anymore "as it's not my phone to answer".

This evening I was going into town to meet my mother as we had to get a few groceries. I was just going when my granny asked me to get her some cigattes and gave me some money for them. When I met my mother I gave her the money to get them and when we came home my granny asked me if I got her cigarettes and I said "no, I gave mam the money and she got them" and then my granny said to me "you did that deliberately to me".

It feels like I am living in a prison. Tomorrow I am going to my Dr as he thinks I may need anti-depressants. I am on a waiting list to see a psycologist and I will be waiting for another 9-14 months as I cannot afford to go private. Over the past week I have become very depressed, it feels like I will never ever be happy, everything is negative for me with little or no positivity and I am sick of it.

I never, ever thought I would have depression, but I guess what they say it true, you never think you until it happens to you.

LegacyUser

hi op you mentioned that your in colledge im sure there would on campus concillers you can go and see in the mean time also i might add that seeking help is a sign of strenght your gp can also be of help it sounds like you need to talk tru these issues there might be some way of fast tracking an appointment with the psycoligist

cafecolour

OP I'm a little confused by your last message.

In your previous messages, you stated that your mother was the problem - and the only reason you come home on the weekend is to help your grandmother.

Yet in the last post, your barely mention your mother at all, and it seems to be your grannie giving you all the grief.

If they're both giving you grief, why come home on the weekend at all?

LegacyUser

need some advice 4 life wrote: »

hi op you mentioned that your in colledge im sure there would on campus concillers you can go and see in the mean time also i might add that seeking help is a sign of strenght your gp can also be of help it sounds like you need to talk tru these issues there might be some way of fast tracking an appointment with the psycoligist

I do see my college counsellor every week which is helping.

cafecolour wrote: »

OP I'm a little confused by your last message.

In your previous messages, you stated that your mother was the problem - and the only reason you come home on the weekend is to help your grandmother.

Yet in the last post, your barely mention your mother at all, and it seems to be your grannie giving you all the grief.

If they're both giving you grief, why come home on the weekend at all?

It is usually my mother is the problem but the last few days my granny has become like this.

I don't know if it is just a phase she's going through or not.

Usually my granny is fine and it is just my mother.

Maybe someone can delete this topic please.

tenchi-fan

Lost6464 wrote: »

Usually my granny is fine and it is just my mother.

Maybe someone can delete this topic please.

Op, it's time to start living your own life. No more excuses, that home isn't good for you. Take the advice on this thread and stop burying your head in the sand.

Ainekav

I don't understand why you are still coming home to this abuse from both your mother and your grandmother - You said originally that you and your grandmother get on very well, but then you say that she doesn't let anyone turn on the oil for long etc etc. which sounds like an on-going problem, not just a "couple of days" thing.

You are making your life so much harder by continuing to visit these people and letting them get you down - I don't understand why you don't just stay in your rented accommodation and try and get on with you life.

You need to see the wood from the trees here and stop letting your family members make your life miserable.