TNA IMPACT REPORT 2011-02-24

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We open with a recap of last week as Jeff Hardy pinned Rob Van Dam on TV and Ric Flair returned to TNA and betrayed Fortune to the shock of nobody, leading to AJ Styles challenging Ric Flair to a match we'll be lucky to see...TONIGHT!

Ken Anderson comes out for our opening promo, bringing a steel chair with him and sitting on it in the middle of the ring. He doesn't care who's calling the shots around here, whether it's Hogan, Bischoff, Dixie Carter, or the network, because the contract says he gets a rematch and he's going to do a sit-in in the middle of the ring until he gets it. He doesn't know why the network doesn't like him, and wonders if it's because...(crowd chants asshole as he seems lost for words)...if it's because he's an asshole, and then he says asshole about ten more times. He says if that's the case, then Rob Van Dam isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen, and...oh wait, RVD's music hits and he comes out because I assume he has something to say to Anderson. Anderson stands up and goes face to face with RVD, who says that he wants to make sure his hearing isn't distorted, and wants to know about the laws of morality and about someone feeding one of his friends to the sharks. He knows Anderson had huge plans when he came to TNA and he knew that those plans might never happen once RVD came to TNA because he knows RVD is better and he's never going to get anywhere near the TNA World Title as long as RVD is in the company. Anderson may be formidable with a mic in his hand, but he's no match for RVD in the ring and now he's going to screw Anderson any way he can. Anderson doesn't care about anything other than getting his rematch for the title, but before they both do something they're going to regret, let's-

RVD doesn't wait to hear what Anderson's got to say before punching him in the face and starting a fight with referees and security coming out to pull them apart. Here he is, Eric Bischoff's music hits and he comes out with Immortal and says it looks like he's got his main event for tonight, because he was going to give Anderson his rematch...Anderson and RVD start fighting and need to get pulled apart again...Bischoff was going to give Anderson his rematch until he saw the sheer ratings draw in front of him, so instead of the rematch, we're going to get Ken Anderson vs Rob Van Dam tonight. Jeff Jarrett whispers something in Bischoff's ear and Bischoff loves it, so since the network loves ratings, it's going to be Anderson vs RVD vs Kurt Angle in a three way dance.

Later tonight: Scott Steiner vs Rob Terry in a posedown and AJ Styles takes on Ric Flair!

We go backstage to Scott Steiner, who has been training all week and is now stopping to enjoy some James Storm beer. Eric Young is posing behind Steiner, and says that he's been working on his muscles and asks what he thinks. Steiner says he looks terrible and kicks him out.

We go to a video package where a...flamboyant fashion designer shows Jeff & Karen Jarrett different dresses that Karen might like to wear when they renew their vows next week. Jeff gets tired of looking at the guy's crappy dresses, so he pours wine for Karen and himself to take the edge off.

We go backstage where the Mysterious Cameraman asks Kurt Angle what he thinks about what the Jarretts are doing, and he says giving Karen away isn't going to be a problem because he couldn't give her away fast enough. As for Anderson and RVD, no disrepsect to them but he's in a bad mood tonight.

Let's go to the ring for our opening match...

Orlando Jordan & Eric Young vs Gunner & Murphy

Beer Money join Mike Tenay and Taz on commentary for this match. Murphy tries to charge Young so Young dodges and Jordan rams Murphy's face into his crotch, so Gunner tags in and criss crosses with Eric for about 20 minutes, then Eric dropped down, then they criss-crossed again and Gunner blew up, so Jordan grabs Gunner's ass from outside the ring. They criss cross some more and Gunner takes a shot at Jordan, then lays Young out and tags out to Murphy so he can dish out some punishment. Young hits a chinbreaker, then pulls his pants down so Murphy kills him with a clothesline and then has one for Jordan. Gunner & Murphy hit a Demolition Decapitator for what I believe to be their first win ever.

Winners: Gunner & Murphy

With this win, Gunner & Murphy will challenge Beer Money for the TNA World Tag Team Title on Impact next week...which is actually being taped right now!

We go backstage where Angelina Love is trying to talk Velvet Sky out putting her career on the line against Sarita. Angelina says it's not her, it's Sarita, but Velvet says she needs to be alone now and kicks Angelina out.

We go back to the Impact Zone, where an emotional Brother Devon comes out to apologize to his boys, because a father's worst dream is being unable to protect his own kids, and that's what happened at Against All Odds. The boys loved him, looked up to them, and called them uncle, but he put his hands on them. He wants to apologize to the family, but most of all the boys because he wasn't there to protect them, and he promises them that this will not go unanswered. Bully Ray appears on the video screen and calls him a weak piece of crap. He's beating up a backstage hands and asks how the boys how they're doing after he put one of them through a table and gave him a concussion, then gave the other one whiplash. Just so Devon doesn't forget what he did to his little bastards, he's going to put this BROTHA through a table to remind him that he was always the leader of Team 3D and he was just a follower. He goes to pick the kid up, but Tommy Dreamer comes out of nowhere and attacks Bully Ray, beating him out to the Impact Zone and onto the rampway. Devon grabs a chair and takes a wild swing that Ray dodges, and Ray gets away as security comes out to break it up. Devon tries to break free and takes another wild swing and accidentally punches Dreamer in the face. Devon gets pissed when he realizes what he just did, but we barely have time to take it in before...

We go backstage to Madison Rayne & Tara, and Madison says she is tired of people saying she can't keep her title without Tara's help, so no matter who accepts the open challenge tonight, Madison wants her to stay in the back.

Earlier tonight, AJ Styles said he's not standing in anyone's shadow any more because he built this company, so he's going to step out of Ric Flair's shadow and take care of business like only AJ Styles can.

Back to the ring...

Brutus Magnus vs Crimson

Magnus grabs a mic before the match and tells Crimson that he's great in a lot of ways, though none of which as much as him. The difference is that he's not carrying Kurt Angle's bags around. Crimson responds by ripping his head off with a clothesline and hits a T-Bone Suplex. Crimson with a three quarter nelson and a kneestrike to the face, then turns it into a rolling neckbreaker. Magnus snaps his head down on the top rope and hits a big boot to the face and goes for the MDD, but Crimson reverses to the Red Alert for the win.

Winner: Crimson

Rob Van Dam is backstage, and he's not sure what this match tonight is about: entertaining Bischoff, evening the score with Ken Anderson, or moving back to the World Title. Either way, he's coming out on top tonight.

Rob Terry is backstage, and he's...LUMBERING!

All right, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for...

Super Posedown: Rob Terry vs Scott Steiner

Rob Terry says he doesn't know who the hell Scott Steiner thinks he is, but he's going to prove that he's the best built man in the history of the business and the real Genetic Freak of TNA. Scott Steiner comes out in a suit, and he says that the best thing for Rob Terry is that he's in a good mood, but he better not call himself a genetic freak because there's only one genetic freak and it's him because he's been a Genetic Freak since he was **** ******* ***** his mom's ****** ******. He says he looks more like a chemical disaster than a Genetic Freak, and he came from the bodybuilding world and tried to come into his world, but he's not going to come out in Speedos all oiled up. Rob Terry asks him if he's afraid, but Steiner says he's going to go get in the back, put on his wrestling gear, and if Rob Terry's still out here when he gets back, he's going to kick his ass. Terry says it's just like an American to run away when he sees someone bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter. Steiner comes back in and gets ready to show Terry how Americans do things, but Terry instead show how the Welsh do things by nailing Steiner from behind and choking him out with his jumprope thing. Actually, that's not fair to say about the Welsh, since Terry Jones is awesome. Okay, I'm cool with the Welsh again. As for this match, let's call it...

No Contest

Velvet Sky runs into Winter backstage, and Winter asks if she has better things to worry about than her, and says now that they're friends, people around here doubt her abilities and don't think she can get the job done. She'd love to see her go out there and get the job done like when she and Angelina won the Knockouts Tag Team Title. Velvet says that when she's done with Sarita she's coming for her ass.

Ric Flair is backstage, and he's...WALKING!

We catch up with the Jarretts again, this time at the church speaking to the priest who's going to perform the ceremony. Karen says they actually got married a few months ago, but they want the whole world and especially Kurt to see their love. The priest doesn't know who Kurt is, so Karen says it's her ex-husband and she wants him to hand Karen over to her big daddy and the King Of The Mountain. The priest is aghast because this is blasphemous, and Jeff argues that it doesn't matter because the church is non-denominational.

Back to the Impact Zone where Ric Flair comes out to say stuff we'll remember for the rest of our lives. He says it's hard to be humble when you're the Nature Boy, and he tells some skank at ringside that he's going to give her a ride on Space Mountain. He knows AJ Styles is backstage because he saw him all day long, and he wants him to come out here, get down on his hands and knees, and apologize. AJ joins Flair in the ring, and AJ says he was avoiding Flair because he wanted to beat the piss out of him and peel his head like an onion, but he's not going to do that because he won't let Flair get to him. Flair says that Fortune doesn't do anything without Flair giving the okay, and AJ says they didn't tell Flair what they were going to do because Flair would try to talk them out of it. Flair says he had been trying to teach them how to walk the path of greatness, and now he's going to teach them about respect and he slaps AJ. AJ flips and attacks Flair, but Hernandez comes out of nowhere and attacks AJ from behind, wraps his t-shirt around AJ's neck, and tosses him across the ring. He takes a charge at AJ but gets backdropped to the floor and AJ goes back after Flair. Hernandez grabs AJ again and grabs AJ in a full nelson, but AJ lowblows both of them in one fluid motion and then hits a Pelle Kick on Hernandez, then tears Flair's pants up. AJ takes Flair to the floor and rams him into the guardrail and...you guessed it, Flair bladed. Flair tries to escape back into the ring but AJ follows him in and beats him up some more, so Hernandez gets back in the ring AGAIN and kicks AJ to the floor and then press slams him face first onto the apron. Hernandez rolls AJ back into the ring, but AJ baseball slides him and hits a dive to wipe Hernandez out and then goes back after Flair, tearing his pants completely off and then going after his shirt as well. Flair does the Flop, but AJ is undeterred and goes for the Styles Clash but Hernandez comes back in and clotheslines AJ, then tackles him hard into the corner and the two of them now start to work AJ over until the rest of Fortune runs out to make the save. About time they showed up! Matt Morgan runs out and nails Hernandez from behind and then beats him all the way to the back of the Impact Zone.

Ken Anderson is backstage and says that Bischoff has been stacking the deck against him for months, but now he doesn't care about anyone or anything but regaining the TNA World Title.

We look at what I think is the same video package from last week where we recap everything from Hulk Hogan coming to TNA all the way up to Dixie Carter serving Hulk Hogan with an injunction that put him out of action since Thanksgiving. Next week: Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter come face to face as we hear the verdict that will decide the future of TNA!

Back to the ring for Madison Rayne's Open Challenge, and Madison says that every time TNA has set up an opponent for her, she's taken great pleasure in knocking them down, so she knows her opponent for tonight is backstage and wants her to come out now and face her. Hey, look who it is!

Madison Rayne vs ODB

ODB tackles Madison Rayne and slams her hard, then takes her to the corner and unloads with a series of hard chops. ODB goes for the Bronco Buster but Madison dodges the move and gouges the eyes, then does her move where she humps ODB's head into the mat over and over. Madison ducks a clothesline and hits a lungblower, but ODB fights back and runs Madison over with shoulderblocks. ODB with a fallaway slam and a kip up and then hits the Bronco Buster, but Madison gets her neckbreaker with a knee thing and gets the win.

Winner: Madison Rayne

We go backstage to Velvet Sky, who is sick of people talking **** about her, so she goes into Sarita's locker room and accept Sarita's challenge to wrestle her next week. Sarita makes sure her career is going to be on the line and Velvet says yes, her career will be on the line. Sarita is really impressed with her, so she gives her word that she's not going to pull any tricks and it'll be the two of them one on one next week. They shake on it and Velvet leaves, then Sarita and Rosita crack up when she leaves and Sarita says she's going to screw her so hard she'll have trouble walking.

Our main event is up next! And I bet we'll really have more video packages and stuff before we get there!

Matt Morgan is backstage gloating about kicking Hernandez's ass, and as his former partner, Hernandez knew how much the World Title meant to him and that's when he chose to return out of nowhere and take it from him, his wife, his father, and his mother, so what we just saw was his comeuppance. The Mystery Cameraman asks what Morgan's going to do on March 3rd, and Morgan says he's going to give him a North Carolina ass whupping, because payback in a mother******.

We go back to the Jarretts on the move again, and Jeff is getting measured for his tux and wants Kurt measured for a tux as well, especially his big fat head. Karen wonders what Kurt is going to think when he hands her over to Jeff next week, and Jeff says he's going to realize that Jeff took his bride and now he's going to hand her over to the King Of The Mountain.

We take a look back at October when J Woww showed up on Impact and beat the crap out of Cookie. Next week, Angelina from the Jersey Shore will be on TV to call out J Woww. I can't wait.

It's main event time! Looks like I was right about those video packages, huh?

Rob Van Dam vs Ken Anderson vs Kurt Angle

They circle each other and then RVD and Angle beat up Anderson, then Angle gets knocked to the floor so RVD continues working Anderson over with a monkey flip and a spinkick in the corner. RVD hits a clothesline on Angle and hits Rolling Thunder, but Anderson nails him from behind and hits a spinning neckbreaker. Angle comes in and nails Anderson and hits a snap suplex and then rips Anderson's head off with a clothesline. Angle and RVD face off and Angle goes to the ropes, but Anderson pulls the top rope down and Angle tumbles to the floor. RVD goes after Anderson but Angle grabs Anderson by the ankle and drags him out to the floor and they fight it out until RVD hits a somersault dive and all three men are down on the floor as we go to commercial.

We're back and Angle and RVD are duking it out in the ring and RVD hits a spinkick and goes for a monkey flip, but Angle turns it around and sits RVD on top, RVD kicks him out and loses his footing, then recovers and hits a top rope jumpkick for 2. RVD backdrops Angle to the floor and Anderson comes in and hits a really ugly back suplex on RVD and a running kneedrop for 2. Anderson goes to a top wristlock, but RVD fights his way out and kicks Anderson in the face and then hits a springboard jumpkick. Angle pops back in and starts laying out both men with clotheslines and gives RVD an overhead belly to belly and then hits the Rolling Germans on Anderson and follows that up with a full rotation German on RVD and the Angle Slam on Anderson. RVD finally breaks Angle's momentum with a superkick right to the jaw and then goes for the Five Star, but Angle suplexes him off the top rope and RVD rolls to the floor. Anderson goes for the Mic Check, but Angle counters and DRILLS him with a T-Bone Suplex. Angle goes for the Ankle Lock, but wedding music starts playing and the Jarretts come out to distract Angle and allow Anderson to hit the Mic Check for the win.

Winner: Ken Anderson

The Jarretts kiss and give Angle an evil smirk as they head to the back and Mike Tenay and Taz hype the big show next week in North Carolina that's being taped now, and we'll see Angelina from Jersey Shore, Bart Scott, Hernandez vs Matt Morgan, Beer Money defends the TNA World Tag Team Title against Gunner & Murphy, Velvet Sky puts her career on the line against Sarita, the Jarretts renew their vows, and the verdict in the case of Carter vs Hogan will be announced! Oh wait, we have some footage in the production truck, and it's...a guy in a trenchcoat and boots walking around in the rain, ending with the inscription 3/3/11. How original!