HELP WITH TROUBLING TEENAGERS

cordub

HELP , what do you do with your teenager that is constantly dissagreeing with you about everything?? What do you let go or what do you act on ???Whats the right type of punishment for a 13 year old and so stressed and she is number 1 girl of 3 dreading it cause she just ruins everything with her humours and outbursts!!!!HELP

yellowlabrador

patience, count to ten, accept that you know nothing because you are old, bite on your tongue, grin and know that when she's older, you'll be ok again.
i feel for you, my daughter is now 27 and we're the best of friends but as a teenager.... she was awful. as for punishments, don't forget, you hold the pursestrings and it's your home. I wouldn't tolerate bad language.

Morag

Firstly figure out what is hormoanes, and what is the normal part of growing up and challenging parents, esp the mother when a young woman is trying to assert herself.
And then figure out what is just bad behaviour and throwing her weight around.

There are books and classes out there which can help with this.
http://www.helpme2parent.ie/Teenagers.html

http://www.helpme2parent.ie/Teenage-Rudeness.html

Don't let her use upsetting the house hold or the other kids over your head, if you knock the corners of her properly then the other's won't go there when they are that age.

jm21

Hi Cordub, didnt want to not post a response after reading your thread.
I totally get where you are at, teenagers never cease to amaze me, with the attitude etc.
I have a 13 and a while back I had to take everything off him cause he wasnt listening to me and used to think I wouldnt do what I threatened to do. So I took phone, xbox, grounded him for a week and gave him no pocket money for a month. He learnt his lesson, he is an angel in the house now but I'm having serious problems with him at schoool.
The only thing I could suggest is to know in your own mind what you will or will not accept and stick to your guns.
That punishment was hell to put in action and its easier for me as there are only the two of us in the house, and I mean it was hell but it was worth it.

BengaLover

I also have a 13 yr old AND a 16yr old daughter..
Seems like NOTHING you say or do is right and they go into total overdrive over nothing!!
Tried grounding, taking off the ds/laptop etc
They just dont seem to care!
We (husband and I) HAVE lately realised after taking a step back and looking at our own behaviour that we need to not react as much when they flip out, sometimes getting into an argument just makes things worse, and we tend to let the unimportant little things slide.
Also, we try not to argue in front of them if we have any disagreements, it seems to make them argumentative and maybe its kind of our fault.
Lots of it with girls is attention seeking, and also you have to allow for hormonla changes.
Lots of times when my eldest kicks off she will come to us later and apologise and admit she doesnt know why she does it and that she doesnt mean it..
Teens are AWFUL..AAAAGGGGGHHHH
:o

cordub

THANKS A lot to the above posters nice to know Im not the only 1 going gaga. It seems ignoring somethings is the way to go , as you have said the arguements is what drives me mad and the I DONT CARE answer back just cracks me up will have to learn to count to 1000 haha what happened to my lovely angel ?? can i roll back the years please ???:rolleyes:

Justask

cordub wrote: »

HELP , what do you do with your teenager that is constantly dissagreeing with you about everything?? What do you let go or what do you act on ???Whats the right type of punishment for a 13 year old and so stressed and she is number 1 girl of 3 dreading it cause she just ruins everything with her humours and outbursts!!!!HELP

Hi Cordub...I was/am that mum. And I was seriously cracking up. No matter what I said there was an answer or some kind of back chat. If I said black he would say white.

So (i know this is very american but i was willing to try anything) I got a wooden spoon and wrote "im talking on it" We sat down for 30 mins a day and talked. who ever was holding the spoon was the only person aloud talk.
It took a bit of getting used to but it did work and it taught both me and my son to stop and listen.
its wont last forever wishing you the bast of luck

cordub

Justask wrote: »

Hi Cordub...I was/am that mum. And I was seriously cracking up. No matter what I said there was an answer or some kind of back chat. If I said black he would say white.

So (i know this is very american but i was willing to try anything) I got a wooden spoon and wrote "im talking on it" We sat down for 30 mins a day and talked. who ever was holding the spoon was the only person aloud talk.
It took a bit of getting used to but it did work and it taught both me and my son to stop and listen.
its wont last forever wishing you the bast of luck

thanks just ask am thinking if i had a wooden spoon I might JUST be a little bit tempted to use it lol any one i have asked that had sons say they are much easier on the head in teenage years, the mothers of girls say they are a nightmare haha have a few friends whoes girls are perfect and am just wondering how do they do it ??

opticalens

As they say - choose you battles, don't worry about the little things but come down hard on stuff you think is important, like say, staying out late, homework, etc. they do respect you in the end. oh and also explain your reasons why a no is a no. good luck!

Morag

They are not perfect, no family is, certainly no family with teenagers, esp girls.

Justask

cordub wrote: »

thanks just ask am thinking if i had a wooden spoon I might JUST be a little bit tempted to use it lol any one i have asked that had sons say they are much easier on the head in teenage years, the mothers of girls say they are a nightmare haha have a few friends whoes girls are perfect and am just wondering how do they do it ??

Whats that saying...

"Boys will wreck your house, Girls will wreck your head"

Boys have their moments trust me

BengaLover

UPDATE:
daughter age 16 has just come home with pirced eyebrow.
We swallowed our wrath and said 'thats nice dear' and left it at that.
a month ago she came home with a pierced nose and we didnt even bat an eyelid.
Within 2 weeks it was gone cos she couldnt be bothered keeping it clean so it got infected..Figure same will happen with this one..
No point wasting our wrath on the unimportant things.
Sometimes I think if she had piercings, tattos and pink hair I wouldnt care as long as she was nice to us!

cordub

Piercings OMG I wouild crack up !!Maybe im not up to this mothering stuff !!!!:mad:

liliq

Sorry, I know it's not in direct response to your original post OP, but I've been reading through this thread thinking how much of it was me...

BengaLover wrote: »

Sometimes I think if she had piercings, tattos and pink hair I wouldnt care as long as she was nice to us!

That was me but was still a bitch! :eek:

cordub

please tell me youve seen the error of your ways and how long did it take ???? liliq i mean

liliq

I just read what I wrote and realised I should have put in that I did see the error of my ways!
I was horrible when I was 16 (I honestly think I was an extreme case though), but by the time I hit 19 me and my mum were best friends, and still are! (once we have some breathing distance as well! )

Neither my mum or myself were ever great at talking to each other, especially when I was at that age, but she used to send me the odd text or leave a little note on my pillow just to remind me that she was there for me whenever for whatever I needed. No matter what strop I was in, it always softened me!

The punishments that always worked when I was out of line were stopping pocket money, not letting me use the internet/ house phone etc. I loved going to gigs at that age, so not letting me go to those was always effective!

wiger toods

cordub wrote: »

HELP , what do you do with your teenager that is constantly dissagreeing with you about everything?? What do you let go or what do you act on ???Whats the right type of punishment for a 13 year old and so stressed and she is number 1 girl of 3 dreading it cause she just ruins everything with her humours and outbursts!!!!HELP

Ah this takes me back! my poor mum and dad! i was a terrible bollox! sneaking out on school nights, dossing off school, borrowing my mums car and driving it backend into a ditch! suspensions from school etc.etc.etc, and them worrying about my education and more im sure(became a footballer in the end, education not needed in my case)! Just do what they did, grit your teeth for another 6 years or so and hopefully your daughter will mature a bit! If you havnt killed her by then, that is!:)

That actually makes me sound worse than i was!
I was the lovable messer type not the bad 'dont talk to that bold boy' messer type!
YEE ALL KNOW WHICH ONE YEE WERE!

cordub

WIgGER and liiliq , thanks you are helping me to see some light at the end of the tunnel even though the tunnel os just starting,Im sure your parents must be so proud of you both now as you seem to have turned out well and even with a sense of humour about the whole teenage thing , tell me your parents survived the experience lol. Yu have made me think of myself as a teen and i feel so sorry for my poor mother lol. I was a right cheeky brat so am thinking the acorn didnt fall far from the tree, thankfully I like you too turned out ok full of attitude but i suppose we cant complain about that really.I guess i will just have to grind the teeth and shut up more often lol, thanks for giving me some hope though oh and yes I do the text and note thing too lol so am glad your telling me that it worlks;);)

BengaLover

I was a total cow to my parents too.. I really felt like I hated them, and all they did was try to help me.. but sometimes i felt like they tried too much..
Does anyone ever tell themselves they will never parent their kids like their parents parented them and then find themselves saying the same stuff they did to you>>:D

cordub

BengaLover wrote: »

I was a total cow to my parents too.. I really felt like I hated them, and all they did was try to help me.. but sometimes i felt like they tried too much..
Does anyone ever tell themselves they will never parent their kids like their parents parented them and then find themselves saying the same stuff they did to you>>:D

YES YES AND ANOTHER YES , I swore that I would never shout and never say things that my mother did to me and sometimes i stop and think oh god you sound just like your mother lol Is that good or bad
Is that good or bad i wonder cause I turned out ok

AvAv

cordub wrote: »

YES YES AND ANOTHER YES , I swore that I would never shout and never say things that my mother did to me and sometimes i stop and think oh god you sound just like your mother lol Is that good or bad
Is that good or bad i wonder cause I turned out ok

Good! If you can honestly say to yourself that you turned out the way you can be proud of, then definitely good.

It helps to remember what it was like when you were that age honestly, and what way you wanted your parents to react to it.

I'm 18 right now and sometimes still get into a strop. When that happens its more of I don't understand why im feeling down then anything really being wrong and so when asked to explain what was wrong, I would get worse due to the frustration I felt in being unable to explain it to anyone else, so please account for that aswell.

Just put yourself in her shoes about what could you do when she says "I dont care" that could be effective.

In my case, when i used that, my mam used to tell me "thats nice". Used to infuriate me that i wasnt getting an argument, so i stopped pretty quickly.
Im pretty sure that I turned out okay.

You really care for her and that gets you through nearly anything. Good luck!

cordub

ah thanks avav gives me great hope cause at the end of the day all us parents want is for our kids to have a happy safe life and to turn out somewhat a good person !!

tfitzgerald

yellowlabrador wrote: »

patience, count to ten, accept that you know nothing because you are old, bite on your tongue, grin and know that when she's older, you'll be ok again.
i feel for you, my daughter is now 27 and we're the best of friends but as a teenager.... she was awful. as for punishments, don't forget, you hold the pursestrings and it's your home. I wouldn't tolerate bad language.

This post is on the ball I have four daughters last year we went thru tantrums and fights like you wouldn't believe we even went as far as locking all doors and windows at night to stop her sneaking out ,she is only 14 we held our ground and she has calmed down a lot this year, oh my mothers prayers might have helped

cordub

tfitzgerald wrote: »

This post is on the ball I have four daughters last year we went thru tantrums and fights like you wouldn't believe we even went as far as locking all doors and windows at night to stop her sneaking out ,she is only 14 we held our ground and she has calmed down a lot this year, oh my mothers prayers might have helped

Thanks god its great to know im proberly not doing anything wrong i hope am def doing the counting and will try the ignoring too i suppose when we are watching out for our kids and showing we care that deep down they kindof know your right even though "IM Stupid" as im told haha and know nothing either, what really bugs me is that she shows so much contempt for her 9 year old sister and is so jealous of her it drives me demented, I was an eldest myself but have gone delibratly out of my way to make my eldest feel special and take her places by herself and do things with just her but doesnt seem to matter at all she still despices her younger sister !!! nightmare !!

kevin99

And what's wrong with a good old fashioned over the knee spanking.
That would soon sort out their tantrums, bad behaviour.

liliq

kevin99 wrote: »

And what's wrong with a good old fashioned over the knee spanking.
That would soon sort out their tantrums, bad behaviour.

Haha... yeah... when I was 13 I was at least 6 inches taller than mother, and definitely heavier and stronger than her, and probably taller than my father as well. A "good old fashioned spanking" would have been hilarious to me, and definitely would not have sorted any bad behaviour!

yellowlabrador

Haha... yeah... when I was 13 I was at least 6 inches taller than mother, and definitely heavier and stronger than her, and probably taller than my father as well. A "good old fashioned spanking" would have been hilarious to me, and definitely would not have sorted any bad behaviour!

I remember having a chat with my daughter about her behaviour and cheek, she maintained that the best way to punish her would be a spanking, as I wasn't 'strict' enough. So the next time she played up, I told her I would spank her. She bent over and clenched her buttocks. The harder I smacked, the more she said 'that doesn't hurt. In no way was I willing to really hurt her but I did end up with a sore hand. Physical punishment doesn't work, what if she had enraged me and I ended up giving her a thrashing? and where do you draw the line? One of my punishments as a child was to be locked up in a cellar, I've never forgiven my mother.
jawjaw is better than warwar and a good sense of humour. Teenagers are so dramatic and extreme but those feelings are genuine, and they need help in learning to deal with their emotions more than anything.
I always made sure I was around in return from school time .

noah45

I have 2 teenage daughters 15 and 17 and yes they are gard work. They are ok most of the time. But HELL when they aren't.
You really do have to pick your battles otherwise it would be arguing 24/7

Mine see me as maid, taxi driver, bank, chef, etc etc

I find it hard at times.

I don't think there is lot you can do as people have said here pick you battles My daughter is 18 now and she was a nightmare at 14 it was such a shock because her older sister was so different when she was a teenager. The cure turned out to be nothing magical she just grew up a bit and now she is at the stage where she is slightly embarrassed about he way she behaved.

What I found very difficult was the conflicting advice I would get for example people would say things like at least she is not taking drugs but then her dad ( we are separated) would say .. so are we are suppose to thank teenagers for being normal and not taking drugs!...I tried everything talking to her, counselling for her, ect in the end a lot of it was sorted by he dad who has the attitude that my word is the law and she had to behave her self and stop upsetting everyone.

He found her and her friends smoking one evening after he followed them he took the smokes from her in front of her friends he then went to the Chinese shop where here and her friend were buying these cut price smokes and told him he was reporting them to the police, needless to say she had a massive temper tantrum and said we had ruined her life but today at 18 she dose not smoke and a lot of her friend do,