Hate the person I have become

LegacyUser

I will try and not rant on to much here. I just need to know where to start fixing the problem.
I hate the person I have become. I am a user and am 2 faced.
I live a double life, one side is kind and caring but only on the outside as I do this to weasel my way through life.

I am a married man (6 months). My wife is a good woman who has had it difficult with relationships she had with other men. Most cheated on her but I havent, yet.
I realise I dont deserve her but leaving her would crush her and that is not being big headed, I just think she would hurt herself cause she would think that she is wrong for whatever reason.
I constantly fantaise about women I work with and even think I am falling in love with one inparticular. She is also married but she loves her husband so much that I would only lose her as a friend if I tried to tell her how I feel.
My wife does a lot for me but our sex life is not what i want and even though I have spoken to her about it, it just seems to fall back into the same routine after a week.
Friday nights a glass of wine and a quicky in the bedroom.
We have tried talking about things but she insists on only sex in the bedroom and usually missionary too.
I spend most days surfing the net for either porn or escort agencies. I dont think I will cheat and I probably sh1t myself should I ever do it.

I only contact my friends when I want something and dont try and meet them when they ask. Just being lazy is the only reason I can think of.
I once enjoyed going to work but its all just a bore now. And the idea of leaving and doing something else is not possible at the moment.
My family are even more of a chore to me. I am just so fed up with listening to all their constant bitching about eachother behind backs.

Last night I just wanted to drive away after work and not go home. I wanted to drive to dublin, get on a plane and leave all this behind me.
I know lots of people have it hard, much harder than me but I dont give a f"ck about them.
I hate feeling so selfish and want to change, but how?
Right now I feel as if both me and the world would be better of without eachother.
Sorry if I am wasting your time. Cause I feel like I am wasting mine.

liquoriceall

Not to be too blunt but <snip> go see your GP

Miss Fluff

You need to go and see a GP. Amateur diagnostics are counterproductive but I certainly think you need some professional help, doesn't sounds like you are coping too well right now.

kevin99

Firstly, you sound a very selfish. Stop thinking about yourself and starting giving to your wife, familiy and friends.
Get off your rear end and don't be brooding.
Life is not what it is cracked up to be.
I agree with the other poster, maybe you should see your GP.
But getting out of the country is simply an immature move and very selfish.
Maybe you need to start doing the growing up.
If y ou really love your wife you wouldn't be surging porn on the web. And if she is happy to have sex in the missionary position, respect her wishes and stop thinking about yourself and putting yourself first.

eddison

Hi OP,


I think you are a real man !! not because of your negative traits, but because you have the ba11s to admit to yourself, your negative traits. I know you don't GAF about what we think here, but to my mind, you have honour and nobility in wanting to aspire to something more.
First may I say, other women might look attractive but you know it will be over in a half an hour, then you probably feel you do not want them. Why? because you have the best kind of woman it seems.
What will you be left with if you go for an affair? a shallow memory, your tension relieved, but building again, and guilt that will last you your whole life. Once you take this step, there is no going back. Its a threshold, and a line in the sand. If you hope to become a better person, it will die knowing you wounded and hurt once again a person you love. I feel there is real love there, between you, except you cannot see the wood for the trees?
I would suggest you go away on your own, to see if you miss your wife. Go for a month maybe? to be alone? this will help you understand your feelings. Cheat if you wish, it is a free world, but only if you are prepared to live with disgrace, and shame, or completely ruin your conscience, so that you do not feel anything.
I'm not going to come on here and start judging you like yer a bad man lol! You have free will to do what you like. I think if you go away for a while, you will see how gentle a person your wife really is. Tell you what, list all her bad qualities, and list all her good qualities. Be objective. I bet you find the result will surprise you.
Regarding looking at pictures on the internet, this is an insecure thing. Once you have self belief, and self respect, and/or self esteem, you will find wanting weird sex will disapear, trust me.
Anyway, your wife may feel used in the bedroom, as a kind of unpaid youknowwhat. Why? because this does not seem a loving act, but one of sex, and only sex. Once you have self esteem, the need for cheap sex disappears. But with improved self esteem, sex become really wonderful, for both parties, and then there becomes rather allot of it to put it mildly!!!!! Like twice, three or four times per day. This is when one has self belief, one becomes irresistible.
Now you cannot change your wife, only she can do that. When you tell someone how important they are, allot of times, they will simply not believe you, although this is kind. What you can do is change yourself, and show her who you are. Deep deep down, you are a king. although you do not believe me, as I say, its difficult to tell others. But once you become the man you really are, your wife will be able to rest her head on the Lion, and feel safe. Your need to be tricky will disapear, as you will no longer need it, and your sex life will multiply a few thousand percent:)
There are no downs to this, only ups, and to get self esteem, is not easy, but it is not difficult either.

Ickle Magoo

As per the forum rules, please do not attempt to make an internet diagnosis - the only person that can tell the OP what condition they have is a medical expert who has both examined them and knows the OP's medical history.

Many thanks.
Ickle

MsMaryMc

Do you have a friend you could confide in? I think maybe talking to a friend or a Doc might be helpful. You might be just feeling down and lethargic and need a boost and maybe someone that is not involved in the situation but knows you may be able to help you???
try not to be too hard on yourself but i think having an affair or paying for sex will only make you feel worse

WhatWillBee

OP I applaud you for your honesty.

You seem to know yourself and have a good grip on your situation and recognise all the problems.

A lot of your problems seem to stem from your home life so I would suggest showing your wife your post or explaining it to her in just that way. Show her all of it, everything. (but do highlight that you would never cheat on her).

Its time to stop hiding how you feel, because I can guarantee you that if you do cheat/leave/divorce etc one of your wifes biggest wishes will be that you had talked to her first. No matter how hurtful you think it will be, its better than the alternative. If she was feeling this way wouldnt you want to know?

I would also agree about going to the GP and let your wife know you have taken that step and why.

LegacyUser

hi op again, thanks for all your help. Went to my doctor and she has put me onto a marriage consulor and some anti depressents for a few weeks. Talked to the wife about it too and looks like we have taken the first few steps back to happiness. It was great to be able to get all this off my chest and I would encourage anyone in a similiar situation to seek professional help too.

eddison

Hi OP,


It takes real strength to express emotions, I think this is especially true for guys- just my opinion.
To recap, so far you have shown:
Honesty... being honest with ones self is hardest of all.
Willingness to compromise..
Strength... asking for help, and discussing inner emotions with others
Love for your wife... you could have easily cheated and she probably would never have known, but you didn't you reached for help. if that is not
Integrity, then I do not know what is .

Talk talk talk to your wife, and keep talking. No one is expecting you to break down and bare your soul. But you sound clever, and there are lots of ways to discuss things, without coming right out and saying them. Example- about the pictures on the internet, and you wish to discuss this with your wife, you could say.. I don't feel like a very clean person sometimes, and I feel it has to do with my past, and sometimes this comes out when we are together.. And I don't feel right etc etc.
Once you tell somebody the way that you feel, you can feel it beginning to heal !! Who wrote those lines in a song?? You will hear them one day if you do not know now. Just remember to help others, as you were helped, when you asked for help.

So are you a bad person? Did your wife really get a bad deal? Maybe she has more faith in you, than you do in your self- sorry.