How to know a relationship is right for you?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll try keep it short and hope some can offer advice.

Its basically about relationships. How do you decide when its right and when to walk away for the best. I find it very difficult to know.

I'm with my girlfriend around a year now. She is very beautiful, very smart, very loving, very kind to me, more so probably than anyone I've gone out with before.

Without overloading you with details though, we are very different people. She's from a different country, she probably grew up a lot different to me, has different interests, values, etc... While I love her dearly and she is a great person, sometimes I feel like we aren't on the same wave length.

Now I know relationships are about give and take. I try to do my best to put her first and think of what she'd like. It's just that sometimes, or even a lot of times, things she likes to do or the type of interests she has just aren't the same as mine. I just find a lot of occasions where she would like to do one thing and I might like to do something else. I might like to go somewhere or go out or something and dearly wish she could come too but she isn't as interested.

Does that make any sense? I guess my question is this. While relationships are all about give and take and sometimes you really do have to put the other person first and try to do things they like or do things for them... where is the balance that makes you stay vs. leave?

I find myself a lot doing what makes her happy. She's not controlling or anything like that but if given the option I want to make her happy as she's such a great person I find it hard to say no or make her unhappy. At the same time when this happens it bothers me a bit because I sometimes wish she shared my interests more or could join me in things more.

I don't want to sound selfish. I'm just wondering. In the long run would it begin to bother me more and more. What if we moved in together or got married. Would I just get more and more bothered if I had to give up things I enjoyed though I am with a great person. I don't know. I'm sort of torn. As a person she is truly the nicest, sweetest, most loving and beautiful girl I've met. For that I feel like she is great for me as I was in so many other relationships which were not so good I know these are all hard things to find all in one package. She makes me very happy in this regard. On the other hand if we are just different people and enjoy different things will it become more of a problem? Where is the balance?

I obviously don't want to hurt her and she's a great addition to my life in the past year. I just can't seem to weigh it all up in my head. I don't know if love should conquer all and since she makes me happy to be with, that this is just part of relationships or whether I will become unhappy changing how I am or how I act and what I do longterm. I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound really really selfish, thats not my intention, I hope you all understand what I mean by all this.

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

My partner and I are the same as you. I'm from a different country, and we have major differences in the way we were raised. My interests are quite different to his and we do sometimes clash over these things. But after 8 years together, its our differences that keep us separate people and our similar interests that bring us together...if that makes any sense.

We manage to do things on our own (sometimes sucking it up and going with our partners to something that would bore me to tears) and sometimes doing the things we love with people that also enjoy them (friends and family). Its all about balance.

Once in awhile my boyf would suggest we do something that I know hes not at all interested in. Or else I would suggest something that I would like to do and he would oblige, purely because I have asked him and would really like him to experience it with me. He does the same.

It was annoying at the start, it felt like all I was doing was going to his things and that he wasnt really interested in doing my things, but then I discussed it with him. He wasnt even aware that I was getting annoyed, until I talked to him!!

We do have somethings that we are both passionate about. We make the most of our similarities and try and organize a time where we do just that stuff.

Remember you are 2 separate people. Your not always going to agree & there is some give and take and there are times in your relationship where you can be selfish, but as long as you communicate this with your partner and compromise with them, then I dont see the problem in being completely different. Its worked for us anyway.

If she is all the things you want in a women, then talk to her and explain how you are feeling to her. She may not have a clue that you are feeling this way, and that she might need to make more of an effort on your things. If she is aware and just cant be bothered then yes it may become a bigger problem for you and you may have to think about your future with her.

Goodluck

captain123

From how you have described this girl she sounds as though she would be very much open to compromise if you sat down and discussed these thoughts with her. She might be unaware that her not taking part in your specific interests are causing you these feelings.
She may have had a different upbringing to yourself & have different values to you but at the end of the day surely the core values of being a very loving & very kind person should outweigh anything else. So in that respect maybe love can conquer all.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

While love conquering all is a lovely sentiment - in my experience it's communication and compromise that makes relationships last. If you aren't happy in any way shape or form then you have to say so. You have to let your girlfriend know what your wishes, your hopes, your expectations and your boundaries are - and you have to make sure she knows what would make you happy. You lay all your cards on the table, ask she does the same and then you muddle through trying to make sure you both get as close to the absolute best out of life that you possibly can while not compromising the trust, balance and respect within your relationship.

I think when things become too one sided or out of balance, resentment starts to build and that will eventually destroy your relationship. You need to spell out now what your vision for your ideal relationship is and see if your current girlfriend is able to contribute enough to your relationship to make you really happy, long term.

All the best.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship. I would advise simple communication. Get your stories and wishes and dreams and outlook all aligned up, and you can best figure from there.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks all,
I still don't know though.

Some examples of things:

Last night I had a friend from home in town who asked me for a few drinks. I of course asked her along. We haven't hung out since last weekend, work is busy for both of us. It was cool of her to come and I'm glad and appreciate that she did. But at the same time she just seemed like she had no fun at all. It is midweek so it's not like we are going partying but she came as she wanted to see me but wouldn't have a drink or just relax a little. I'm glad she came but if she's not having fun, I feel like I'm not having fun, does that make sense?

For valentines I decided to ask her to come away for the weekend and I booked a hotel. She agreed and was happy to go. The thing that annoyed me a little was, while we had fun out and about during the day, she wanted to be home in bed by 8. I went along with it as it made her happy but you know... after going away for the weekend and it being valentines, I'd like to do something like have dinner and a few drinks or something and then go home. I often think about surprising her with a trip away somewhere like that, but I just don't know. I like to go away places and go do things, see the area, get dinner, stuff like that. But it's like I feel theres no point in spending so much, we'll just end up staying in, we could do that at home. I know that sounds silly but makes me wonder how compatible we are. Like in the future, if I'd like a holiday and she just has no interest, something I thought couples do from time to time. Will it bother me more.

Another example. She's an animal person. Her family has 3 dogs and a cat and there are 2 cats living in her rented apartment. I don't know. Her family home is a few hours away and she likes me to come and stay sometimes. I'm not a big animal person. She has 3 very snappy little dogs always barking, scratching, trying to bite. I just don't want to be there as much as it makes her happy I do. Same with the cats. I hate staying in her apartment with the cats. They just swarm around looking for food, climbing on the table trying to eat anything I have, jumping on you. I didn't really grow up with pets and to be honest the idea of cats running around on the table where I'm eating or nibbling at the food I'm eating just feels ick to me. She wants dogs though. I just don't. I don't really like animals in doors, they're just messy. I also don't know what to say but her apartment smells of cats. I hate saying it but it makes me not want to stay there. Sometimes her clothes and stuff can smell sort of catty from letting the cats run around the house probably into her room and around her stuff. Again, its not something you can really say to someone but its a real turn off.

I don't really get where she lives. Her rent is a bit cheaper but she lives in an awful area. Its not the safest of area. She also lives with a single lady in her late 30's who owns the cats. I mean she's nice and all but going over there it's like going to her mom's apartment or something. I'd rather she lived with people her own age in a safer area and possibly away from a load of cats but she doesn't really agree. I'm not gonna force the issue or anything, it's up to her but it's things like that I just don't get sometimes.

I probably sound really selfish now and I don't mean to. I really think I do a lot of things that would be more her preference. She is good enough to join me sometimes but usually feel she doesn't enjoy it. It seems silly. As I said, she's a lovely girl, very pretty but there's just these niggly little things. If it was one little thing you'd get over it but its just lots, the things above are just a few examples where I don't quite understand her.
I'm really confused. I'd be very sad to lose her but other things just make me think I'll end up very frustrated in the long run.
I just don't know what is the right thing to do. I feel very selfish even writing this even.

Snatchy

Dude, the simple answer is that in all likelihood those little niggles will eventually build up and really start to p*ss you off. The reason they haven't done so yet is because you have only been with her for a year and, given your description of her, it sounds like you're still in the honeymoon period but one which is quickly approaching its end. When that period is over (you'll know it when it is) you'll gradually stop seeing so many positive aspects of her personality/looks. Not that they'll disappear but that the "niggly" bits will come to the fore more and more and I'm sorry to say it, they will drive you away eventually. It doesn't matter how hot/nice she is. Your one chance at salvation is laying it all out on the table and asking her for her opinion. If she's at least willing to change some of the things that get to you, and makes an honest effort at doing so (which doesnt include sitting in a bar beside you and your mate with a sour puss) then she is a keeper. If she pulls the "I am, who I am/love me or leave me" line or makes feign attempts at reconciling your differences (a la bar scenario depicted in your post), then forget it man, you've had the good times with her so just move on and if you find it hard, just visualize you and her, 10 years down the line, with a kid or two picking cat-hair out of their breakfast cereal!:pac:

whirlpool

OP I really feel sorry for you. It sounds like you're having the same troubles I'm currently having, which is basically the pure confusion of not knowing what the point of a relationship is exactly, how you're supposed to know when it's right and when it's wrong, and whether differences are a pro or a con. I find it all very confusing and it's wrecking my head trying to work it out.

I feel like I've absorbed this confusion from my environment, though. As far as I've always been concerned, all that matters in a relationship is: (1) You love them (2) You want to make them happy and keep them safe (3) You want to be close to them and it hurts when you're not. To me, those things are all that matters, and nothing else should come into it.

I feel like the only reason I'm questioning this theory of mine now is because of (a) witnessing the relationships of others around me fall apart, (b) other people telling me about their wildly different theories about what should keep a relationship together, (c) other people's bitterness and to some extent my own.

From your first post it sounds like you originally had similar basic requirements for a relationship and you've waited this one out and are now having doubts because you're not sure if those original requirements are enough to keep a relationship going.

My advice would be this: If she makes you the happiest you've ever been, then the relationship is right for you. However, if you can imagine yourself being happier, then the relationship is not right for you.

Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Advice to you whirlpool and to the OP.

There is no way, no matter what any of the posters tell you here, that you will know what the "right" thing is to do. Obviously, you have to be happy in your relationship.But the decision does have to come from you.We can't give you the answer.

These are all little niggles OP, but are they permanent niggles? I mean the apartment location - how permanent a thing is that? And the fact she's from a different country - there are always going to be problems with 2 cultures like that. I have a close relative who was in a relationship with a foreign girl for quite a long time, and eventually broke it off...it was just too much.Now there were other things going on in the background, but when he started going out with an Irish girl, his description to me was "it's just so easy - she just gets it.I don't have to explain everything to her". By which he meant various cultural references etc. He also found it hard that she was a bit clingy and unsure in social situations.

They weren't the reasons he broke up with her, but they were things that got on his nerves a bit.Now equally there are plenty of couples from 2 countries that don't have any of these problems.

The other thing you need to remember is that it's ok to do things seperately.You don't always have to do everything together. In fact some people would think it can sometimes make a relationship healthier if you each have your own interests, and can go your own ways, and most importantly - that you can both be OK with that.

As to you whirlpool, I agree with the important things you've listed. I'm shortly to be married and having the odd "oh my God, am I doing the right thing" moment - even though this is what I've wanted more than anything else for several years now!!!!The only conclusion I can come to is that you never know whether you're right or wrong. You could stay perfectly happy with a person for the rest of your life, or you could break up, move on and meet someone else - or conversely, never meet anyone as good.There is no right thing.Everyone has all sorts of theories, depending on their own experiences in life - some advise taking the "risk" of breaking up, because it worked out for them, others say "the grass is greener, stay put". You don't have to keep all those people happy, the only person you have to keep happy is yourself. I agree with what you say with absorbing the confusion from your environment - I had a few wobbly moments over my OH in the recent past, and found myself scouring the internet, asking people's opinions, reading constantly about relationships - all to find "the answer", and to see if he was "the one". Except all I got was tremendously confused, quite upset and even more clueless than I had been!!So I switched it all off, stopped asking questions, stopped reading about relationships and tried just being quiet and listening to myself for a couple of weeks. The answer is in there....you need for yourself and everyone around you to shut up for long enough for you to hear it.

That's my 2 cents. You can spend the rest of your life torturing yourself with wondering what the future holds, and whether you're with the right person, or you can listen to your natural common sense and feelings inside you, and see if you get an answer. That, however, involves only one person, and that's you.