Sister is having an affair

Janet1986

I just found out that my sister is having an affair with a married man!

The thing is my sister is in a long term relationship herself but is unhappy.

She confessed all to me about an hour ago and told me this guy (married guy)

Plans to send his wife and kids back to their country.

He has also on several occasions asked her for money to help him do this or he would as far as I'm concerned make up stories where money is needed.

My sister fancies the ass off this guy but I feel he is very bad news and will destroy her.

I am very concerned that she will get very hurt in the end.

chicken fingers

What married guys tell their girlfriends is rarely the full truth, and they rarely leave the wife and children.

Anyways he sounds like a loser. Try to make your sister see sense.

Ickle Magoo

As your sister is an adult I'm not sure there is an awful lot you can do bar share your fears and be there to pick up the pieces...you don't say what your reaction was at hearing to news, have the kind of relationship where by you could tell her exactly what you think and she'd listen?

The other point to bear in mind is that although you may feel very angry and disappointed but it might be worth keeping a lid on your feelings lest you alienate her and she's left in even more vulnerable position.

All the best

LegacyUser

Janet1986 wrote: »

Plans to send his wife and kids back to their country.

Can I ask if he happens to be a foreign national from a poorer country? If so that should send alarm bells ringing that hes willing to send his wife and kids back to poverty for his own convenience. I would talk any relative out of any relationship was such a cold person and for your sisters sake I think you should too if that is indeed the case.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage your sister to tell her partner and support her no matter what. Advise her to be weary however, a lot of men promise their mistresses everything under the sun but rarely follow through..

IrishEyes19

I totally agree with ickle Magoo, because if it does blow up in her face she's going to need her you, her sister to be there for her. I do think though married men/women rarely leave their wifes/husbands in the end. But all you can do right now is casually voice your concerns, maybe even ask her what she plans to do if he doesnt leave his wife and will she be ok. As Ickle Magoo said, dont end up having her alienate you because she feels you are against her.

Janet1986

Thanks for the replies.

My sister met this guy because he is friends with her boyfriend and that's how they met.

I was furious when my sister told me who he was because I briefly met him a few weeks ago and I did not like him.

He texts her at all hours of the morning and is very demanding of her, wants sex and for her to drop everything and meet him now! Kinda thing.

skooterblue

Oh dear OP,
Your sister has put you in a right dilemma.
She is going to be conned out of money she has cheated on her partner and there is going to be no good ending to this.
She has noone to blame when this goes sour. The best thing is to keep as far appart from this as you can. It is very unfair of her to burden you with this terrible secret. Its like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If you intervene you will be viewed as the worst person in the world, if you do nothing and when her boyfriend finds out you will be the worst person in the world. This is your sisters responsibility and it will be a learning experience for her.

Lady von Purple

Hey,
Tread carefully on this one. You should definitely suggest that she's making bad decisions here, and maybe warn her off giving him money. The thing is, you don't want to get caught up in a 'shoot the messenger' situation, so be very careful. Keep an eye out for when/if she's starting to get annoyed with your advice.
This is inevitably going to end badly. As another poster has pointed out, married men often say they'll leave their wives but then don't. This is likely. He's borrowing money from her. Also not good. So this will probably end badly, and if I were you, I'd want to be in a position where your sister can still talk to you about it (without being afraid that you'll say I told you so or anything like that. A common fear when this kind of affair goes bad.)

If you don't want her to get annoyed at you, and if you don't want to end up in the dog-house even though you've done nothing wrong and have her best interests at heart, be wary in how you approach this.
In your position, I'd focus on helping her fix/get out of her long-term relationship, because it sounds like she wouldn't be having this affair if it wasn't for her own unhappy relationship.

Then again, if you think you can make her see sense, then by all means, talk to her about it. Just, y'know, tread lightly. Best of luck- it's an awful position you're in.

LegacyUser

OP if you really want to do something right in all of this I'd tell her partner to be honest. The fact that shes cheating with his friend is downright horrible. Personally even if it was my own sibling I would still tell the partner. My conscience simply wouldn't let me keep things quiet. From the sounds of things this guy is a nasty individual. Cheating on his wife with kids and cheating with his friend's partner? Horrible. Txting at all hours and demanding sex means hes using her and doesn't care an ounce about her. Shes going to get burnt and be responsible for absolutely destroying her partner's trust (its his friend ffs) whilst breaking up a marriage with kids involved. I honestly think you should be furious with your sister and let her know that. I wouldn't talk to my brother or sister for months if he or she did something like that.

LegacyUser

HI OP,

I am wondering what country this man is from? If you can put it here it may help.

I am well aware that in many eastern cultures that polygamous relationships are of acceptable fashion, they may not necessarily require marriage to be allowed continue but the wife may well be of dutiful acceptance of her husband being involved with someone else. If he would have the ability (which I don't think he would to be frank here) to "send back his wife and kids" then I would assume he is of a non-western culture.

My advice: Inform your sister that being involved with a different culture is one thing, but being involved with a liar who is bound to do the same thing to her as he has done his wife, is bad news. I advise a clean break and a change of telephone number wherever possible.

MsMaryMc

Jeez that story could be out of a magazine, i would advise her not to part with any money, its unfortunate that she has got into this situation because it sounds like she is goijg from the frying pan to the fire. She is however an adult and may resent your interferance if you tell her partner.
I'd say try and discourage the money and just offer her a shoulder to cry on as i suspect she will be hurt

Janet1986

Thanks for your relies.

The country he is from he is allowed one wife only and his own wife certainly
Would not approve of the affair.

The story gets worse the more I learn about him. my self and my sister looked up his face book!

Anyway my sister wants rid of him now.

Lady von Purple

Janet1986 wrote: »

Anyway my sister wants rid of him now.

Fantastic! You should try and make sure she blocks his facebook, deletes his number and tries to minimalise any contact with him. And have a chat with her about her own long-term relationship, so the same issues don't come up again. Best of luck! Delighted this didn't go far enough to end too badly.

JimmyCrackCorn

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

As your sister is an adult I'm not sure there is an awful lot you can do bar share your fears and be there to pick up the pieces...you don't say what your reaction was at hearing to news, have the kind of relationship where by you could tell her exactly what you think and she'd listen?

The other point to bear in mind is that although you may feel very angry and disappointed but it might be worth keeping a lid on your feelings lest you alienate her and she's left in even more vulnerable position.

All the best

If you try to get between them you'll just push them together.

Id say no more than think about what your doing carefully and leave it at
that.

She is an adult and must make her own decisions even if you don't agree with them.

Janet1986

This guy isn't on my sisters face book she had searched for him but couldn't find him (he was under a different name).

It was when she went into a friend of her boyfriends facebook that she saw this guys face book and it opened her eys. (face book came to good use for once)

He lied about how many children he had and she has seen pictures of his wife who had been ill at some point (she had lost all her hair).

It made her sick and it makes me sick to think there are men out like this. Shocking stuff :mad:

LegacyUser

Whilst its great your sister has learned what some men are like I really think she owes it to herself to have a good hard look in the mirror. She cheated with her partners friend which is unforgivable. I really hope she knows this? It just seems that neither of you care about someone who is much closer to your sister and you than this guy and his wife and children are. Try not to forget about the closest victim in all this.

Janet1986

She is with her partner 8yrs. She met him when she was 16yrs.

He would never cheat on her and is a lovely fella.

This is why I'm so angry with her.

I must point out that this is her first time cheating and yes she feels very guilty and will have to live with this guilt for the rest of her days.

The affair is over but I can't see this married guy let her go so easily.

LegacyUser

Janet1986 wrote: »

She is with her partner 8yrs. She met him when she was 16yrs.

He would never cheat on her and is a lovely fella.

This is why I'm so angry with her.

I must point out that this is her first time cheating and yes she feels very guilty and will have to live with this guilt for the rest of her days.

The affair is over but I can't see this married guy let her go so easily.

Can you honestly say she would have stopped the affair had she not found out this guy was lying though? Is she going to tell the guy and try work throught it? Lesson learned I hope.