He isn't stepfather material....

LegacyUser

Hi all, I was on here before about BF emigrating.....we broke up last year as I have teen who I won't uproot from his other parent, family school etc, to go abroad. Also I am a returned emigrant so went through a lot to get home some years back.
Long story short BF asked me back , made no mention of emigrating at time but now he says he is leaving in few weeks time..we had massive rows over it during which he blew up over silly things like my son eating a choc bar whilst waiting(hours) for Christmas turkey ..I must point out BF doesn't live with me.
The last time I saw him was few weeks back when he got plastered drunk and angry at me for saying I have to stay in Ireland...he verbally abused me and made my son feel uncomfortable.
We haven't seen each other (he is 2hours away) and for several weeks he stopped calling just sent odd text. Then when we did talk he said he was leaving for sure as is job is gone and he has kids in another country he has to support. He said sorry for drunken carry-on ,said he was missing his own kids when he was around mine. Then he said we shouldn't wait for each other but date others whilst he is away. That upset me at the time as before all this job uncertainty we were great together for a year, and know each other 20years.
After a few days of no phone calls I thought I would get out and socialise and in the past few weeks I have got on fine and several male friends have asked me out whenever I am ready to date.
Now all of a sudden BF is back saying he has changed his mind, wants me to wait for him and he will be back in a year..he wants me to visit him over there in 6months but to be honest I cannot afford it as it is very far away. He wants us to meet up, he is ready to leave and is acting all normal. However I keep thinking about the silence of recent weeks, I was very ill recently and he knew, he never called or came to see me.
Any opinions or advice? Thanks and sorry for novel!

Smashhits

OP as far as i can see from your post is he wants to keep his options open. If he was genuinely interested in making it work with you why stop contact? Is it he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to want you either?
TBH i'd start concentrating on myself and my son (who is probably the most important person in your life).
Will he stay faithful to you if he's in another country? Would he wait for you if it was you moving?
Too many questions I know but I think he's just keeping his foot in the door.

Taltos

As per above he just wants a safety blanket...
To be honest with the way he behaved even if he was staying I would be telling him to sling his hook. It is not like he can suddenly change into a nice bloke.

Take his move as the opportunity it is - one to close this chapter of your life for good and to get out and meet other people. Wish him all the best but tell him you really don't want to hear from him again, even when he comes home. Think you know already exactly where you stand with this fella - so you owe him nothing, you do owe yourself a lot more though.

jimmycrackcorm

Sometimes personal circumstances simply don't suit the continuance of a relationship.This seems to be the case here. It may be difficult but the best situation is probably to move on.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all the replies. It just seems like he wants to believe that I will move over there eventually..he has said that he wants to get married but only if we live over there, that he felt his proposal was rejected and that is one of the reasons for reduced contact..we did text each other that never stopped but in comparison to the hourly phone calls we used to have it was a big drop in contact.

I know his ex taking his kids abroad has drastically altered his behaviour..and he cries when he is drinking.

Everything is just too much drama, and I have to put my own teen first. I have rarely had him around my son as that is something I wanted to take slowly , this would be the case no matter who I am with.
After my last phone conversation I think he is scared to let me go, but I think it is selfish to hold onto another person when you can't be definite about returning and I really can't see him back here with nothing but the dole queue.
I know him a long time so I know he is a good person, but I can't see us working long term after the behaviour I witnessed.
Thanks again

ManOfMystery

If he really wanted to marry, it wouldn't matter what country you're in. I agree with the others that he's seeing you as a safety blanket. I think you should cut your losses at this stage, the guy's head appears to be all over the place and unfortunately you have to suffer the fallout while he tries to decide what he wants.

Fittle

The title of your thread is 'he's not stepfather material..' and yet you don't go into much more detail about that particular issue in your post.

If your gut reaction is that he is not stepfather material, then while I don't think any of us should give up our lives for our children, how can you settle with this man knowing how he feels (or doesn't feel, as the case may be) for your child/ren?

Given all the other issues, my advice would be to cut your losses also. It seems to me like he's keeping you in reserve - like someone he knows he can always come back to when it suits him. But what about you? What about how you feel?

But apart from the fact that he appears to be using you when it suits him, as a mother myself, I couldn't be with a man long-term who I knew treated my child unkindly.

booboo88

I personally think he's being quite selfish, to not bother seeing how u were for several weeks, knowing u werent well. better off without him

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies, I have read them and they pretty much reinforce my gut reaction.

@Fittle: what I meant by "not stepfather material" is how he kept going on about the choc bar..he never said anything to my teen but said it to me , over and over for 2 days..made me think that he would pick on every little thing the child did and blow it out of proportion..there has been very little contact between him and child as I make it policy to be careful of too many people in teen's life.....but I never felt he would have any great interest in my kid, it is as if he missed his own kids so much it was preventing him bonding with mine.

@ManOfMystery: you hit the nail on the head...his head is all over the place and what you said about marriage is word for word what my reply was to him

@booboo88: thanks, it was very selfish of him..just the icing on the cake really.

@jimmycrackcorm, Smashhits, Taltos : thank you for common sense replies..it helps just to
have someone point it out ..my head was wrecked but now I know what I have to do.
Thanks

ash23

There shouldn't really be a "terms and conditions apply" in a proposal of marriage.

He seems to just want you around when he decides. And he doesn't seem to put you or your child first. So you have to do that.

Your child needs a man like this in his life like he needs a hole in the head.
They don't have a relationship and as you've said yourself, he's seen this man verbally abuse you and this man wants you to uproot your teen away from the life he knows, his other parent and his friends and to a land far, far away just because it suits him.

I think you're caught up in the drama of it all and need to start seeing it for what it actually is...doomed.

To be honest, I'm not sure why you're even still in contact with this chap after he verbally abused you in front of your impressionable teenage son. If your son grew up to treat his partner like this man is treating you, would you be proud? Of course not. You want your son to grow up into a man who respects his partner and treats her well and is kind and loving. So why settle for anything less for yourself? You lead by example.

sbsquarepants

You hardly need strangers on the internet to point out that this bloke is a muppet!
Forget him and move on!

metrovelvet

This sounds like a guy who wants to emigrate but doesnt want to pay the price for that, he wants it on the cheap by trying to hang on to ties and attachments while he goes west and takes what's his.

It could also be seperation anxiety and people do all sorts of weird things when it emerges.

As for the chocolate bar, did you just tell him to 'drop it?" It sounds like picking on some obsessive detail to displace anxiety.

Either way, you just have to ask yourself if he is worth it to you and you have your answer right there.

It also sounds like with job issues, kids in another country, that is overcommitted and cant stretch any further.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies..
@Ash 23..just to clarify: he didn't verbally abuse me in front of my son, this happened when we were by ourselves ..but you are dead right I can't put up with it and it is time to move on. Thank you ,you speak a lot of common sense.

@metrovelvet :you hit the nail on the head, he is strung out and stressed and just picked an arguement as a result..he doesn't want to pay the price as you pointed out.
I spoke to him on phone and said exactly that to him, thank you for putting into words what I needed to say to him.

Thanks everyone.

Mods could you lock this thread please?